Six aging Republican male state representatives (backed by two menopausal lady representatives) introduced pro-life legislation last Friday that would force physicians to describe to all women seeking abortions "the anatomical and physiological characteristics of the unborn child," as well as the "probable gestational age of the unborn child"—a move that would closely align all Washington physicians and the state Department of Health with a handful of right-wing nutbags religious pregnancy centers that use fake data and emotional scare tactics to dissuade women from having abortions.

Need more proof?

HB 2200, aka "establishing the woman's right to know act," also stipulates that physicians provide an explanation of "the immediate and long-term medical risks associated with the proposed abortion method" and alternatives to abortion. Physicians would also be legally required to inform women that their baby daddies are liable for child support and that "medical assistance benefits may be available for prenatal care, childbirth, and neonatal care."

But perhaps most disturbing about this bill—aside from lavish "unborn child" references—is that it forces the Department of Health to implicitly endorse a pro-life agenda by mandating that the department produce pamphlets describing the anatomical and physiological characteristics of fetuses "from conception to natural birth" and a video showing "an ultrasound of the heartbeat of an unborn child at four to five weeks gestational age, at six to eight weeks gestational age, and each month thereafter until viability."

Why is this overreaching morality of a few conservative men and menopausal women necessary, you ask?

The answer's in the legislation:

Women and girls often obtain abortions without a full understanding of the potential physical and mental health consequences to themselves and the unborn baby they are carrying... This act is necessary for the immediate preservation of the public peace, health, morals, or safety, or support of the state government and its existing public institutions, and takes effect immediately.

Too true! Most women order up abortions like they're unpronounceable cocktails—we don't care to know the details, just keep 'em coming and make sure to charge the shifty-looking dude in the corner. In fact, having an abortion is my favorite weight-loss secret for the holidays!

But it's more accurate to say that these Republican legislators don't have a clue, let alone a "full understanding," of the physical and mental health consequences of having an abortion*. So I propose that the sponsors of this bill be required to read this disclaimer before any and all discussions of the bill:

"I readily acknowledge that I am in no way equipped to get pregnant or nurse a child from my withered teat; Nevertheless I believe that, in general, pregnant women are too stupid to know what's best for their mental or physical well-being (unless they're planning on seeing the pregnancy through, in which case they're smart—for women! Hail Jesus!). Really, I'm seeking to limit women's access to comprehensive health care because I have a hidden sexual dysfunction and subjugating women is much easier, politically, than addressing the state's $1.4 billion budget deficit. Also, I am looking to score Big Points with the misogynist God I arbitrarily believe in. Praise Him!"

Just to keep things in perspective, you understand.

*The menopausal women might—but then that would make them Holy Rolling hypocrites, wouldn't it?