Michele Bachmann is giving what is reportedly a major policy address this morning. I'm going to summarize it for you. (Find the full text over here.)

Bachmann opens by reminding her listeners of her campaign's only real accomplishment to date—winning the Iowa Straw Poll. Then she tells us she was a federal tax attorney, before painting us a picture of America's Dystopic Present, teabagger-style: People roving in the streets, eating innocent little twelve year old girls for strength and burning the few worthless dollar bills they have for heat as winter approaches. Then she pinpoints what she believes is the problem:

“A vocal minority called Occupy Wall Street believes that the problem we face is capitalism or free markets. It’s not. The problem is government doing what both the constitution and decent morality prohibit, that is cronyism capitalism, or forcefully taking your money for the purpose of paying off a politician’s political friends...The problem is an individual tax code with 3.8 million words that’s too complicated for the average American to understand and a corporate tax code that makes America hopelessly uncompetitive at almost 40 percent when you add the federal and state taxes.

Bachmann says she's going to get "Washington D.C. out of free markets. I’m running for president because I understand the difference between free markets and Bernie Madoff style government." She rails against government programs like food stamps, the Department of Education, and the stimulus package. Then things get downright florid, calling the 2012 elections "the last exit ramp for regaining the American dream," in which voters must "end the tyranny of $1.8 trillion in costs of federal regulations on job creators."

"Events in Greece and Italy show the European style social-democratic model is a game that ends in an ugly crash landing," Bachmann says, totally ignoring our own crash landing in 2008 that she alludes to earlier in the speech. Then she digs up Steve Jobs and makes him dance around the room, saying "The Steve Jobs’ spirit still exists today." And guess who the Jobsiest candidate is? Michele Bachmann, motherfucker, that's who.

Bachmann kicks around the Post Office for a while and touts her American Jobs, Right Now plan, which is the same as every other Republican plan: No regulations, no government programs, free markets for everyone. She digs up Ronald Reagan and touts his "period of unparalleled prosperity." Bachmann says "it is only fair that everyone should contribute something to the core government services like national defense, our courts, our roads, and necessary infrastructure–our public goods," but "today we live in a world where only 53 percent of Americans pay federal income tax, 47 percent pay nothing. People who pay nothing can easily forget the idea that there is no such thing as a free lunch."

Bachmann calls for a flat tax, but then she doesn't say what her flat tax would be. That unspecified flat tax, paired with a repeal of "Obamacare" and Dodd Frank, which she cleverly calls the "Job and Housing Destruction Act," along with every regulation ever, will make everything great again. Oh, and immigrants are destroying everything. God bless America!

So: Let's take a look at what we're left with. We've got the bloodied corpses of most government programs littering the stage, zombie Steve Jobs waltzing with Zombie Ronald Reagan, and a bunch of question marks where a flat tax would eventually go, if Bachmann is elected. There is nothing new here. Basically, every Republican economic plan is the same as every other Republican economic plan. Way to unveil your major new policies, Michele. This will get you exactly zero minutes on the nightly news.