Slog

News & Arts

Line Out

Music & the City
at Night

« The Case for Closing Tax Loopholes | Lunchtime Quickie: The Best Hallowe… »

Friday, October 28, 2011

Sex / Media / Celeb Today in Abject Failure

Posted by David Schmader on Fri, Oct 28, 2011 at 11:39 AM

You know how some people are super good at writing in that hilariously in-your-face/tell-it-like-it-is style that seems so natural you assume maybe everyone can do it?

Meet Jenny Mollen Biggs, wife of American Pie actor Jason Biggs, who apparently noticed how Chelsea Handler made a grazillion dollars writing in an offhandedly graphic way about her sex life and decided to give it a whack. The result was published on the Playboy blog The Smoking Jacket and it's one of the worst collection of words I've ever encountered.

Some have dismissed the post as merely bizarre—see Radar's "Jason Biggs’ Wife Writes Bizarre Blog About Hiring A Hooker."

But it's so much more than that. From the extravagantly failed attempts at "edgy humor!" to the barely veiled misogyny that runs through the piece, it's a pile-of-shit masterwork. Truly, from the evidence of her writing, I can say that what Courtney Stodden looks like on the outside, Jenny Biggs looks like on the inside.

Read the whole awful wonderful thing here!

(Fun fact: Jason Biggs couldn't be prouder of his wife's accomplishment.)

Comments (26) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

Their marriage needed rekindling after a year?

Posted by care bear on October 28, 2011 at 11:51 AM

Not sure who any of these people are, nor why I should be interested in them. Did you write this for Huffington Post?

Posted by Ziggity on October 28, 2011 at 11:51 AM

That was pretty bad. And too long for me to get all the way through.

Posted by Schmapdi on October 28, 2011 at 11:55 AM

"Anderson Cooper is not gay" is a great secret phrase to choose, but I worry this will not do wonders for the Grant Cogswell story movie, assuming that's ever going to be released. Unless, is this just more pie-fuck distancing and will wind up making Biggs seem more legit?

Posted by gloomy gus on October 28, 2011 at 11:58 AM

I think she's been reading a lot of Cracked, too.

Posted by stuckie on October 28, 2011 at 12:00 PM

I found it entirely TL and DR.

Posted by TVDinner

on October 28, 2011 at 12:01 PM

SLOG joins the witchhunt in the pumpkin patch.

Hypocrites.

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on October 28, 2011 at 12:01 PM

I believe that is the first time I have heard a woman refer to another woman as "a pair of tits on sticks".

Posted by spaceapple on October 28, 2011 at 12:10 PM

Wow, that whole thing was dumb and weird. And a little confusing.

Posted by very bad homo on October 28, 2011 at 12:28 PM

Seriously, she refers to her call girl as "the whore" every. single. time. What a stinky diaper of an article. Bleh.

Posted by More, I Say! on October 28, 2011 at 12:49 PM

I'm actually finding it kind of entertaining. Certainly fascinating. It's bad writing, but not in a way that makes it unreadable, and there's something about the awfulness of the thoughts that went into it that is kinda making me want to read the whole thing.

This must be how it feels for a grown woman to want to read Twilight. You know it's terrible but you just can't help yourself.

...

Okay, yeah, I finished it. Just like the movie theater nachos you know you shouldn't buy, it was only compelling for one bite and now that I consumed it I really regret having done so.

Posted by balderdash

on October 28, 2011 at 12:51 PM

Too Lame, Didn't Read

Posted by Will in Seattle

on October 28, 2011 at 12:54 PM

Not just poorly written but also poorly edited. I'm sad I read it. :(

Posted by Regina on October 28, 2011 at 1:08 PM

Jason Biggs earned more than $5 mil this year. 1%er. 0.01%er.

Posted by Fnarf

on October 28, 2011 at 1:16 PM

13: I like how in the first sentence she uses dissolute as a noun.

Posted by David Schmader on October 28, 2011 at 1:16 PM

Another hate-fest I'm going to skip.

The article was too long, but I think Jenny Biggs seems cool.

Posted by seandr on October 28, 2011 at 1:23 PM

Maybe Jenny Biggs is hot. Or maybe she's just a whore.

Oh fuck. American Pie lives on??? Another fucking reprise!?!?!

Posted by heywhatsit!? on October 28, 2011 at 1:28 PM

I'd put that in the 'once you've seen it you can't un-see it' catagory. Couldn't read the whole thing, so now I can at least partially un-see it...

Posted by ballard dude on October 28, 2011 at 1:43 PM

I can't speak to the article, it's too horribly written for me to read the whole thing, but I do have to say, Jason Biggs is much nicer than one might expect. I was an extra on the Cogswell movie, and my interactions with him were much pleasanter than any of the other featured actors in the film. He actually treats extras like human beings, which is rare.

Posted by Geni on October 28, 2011 at 2:01 PM

@19, maybe he was recruiting you!

Posted by Fnarf

on October 28, 2011 at 2:13 PM

Also, what the fuck kind of story is "OMG we have so much money we can afford to pay two women to not have sex with us!"

This whole thing could have been replaced with that, tweeted, and forgotten. At least then we could have skipped the sexism, hypocrisy, and faux-street mishmash language.

Posted by balderdash

on October 28, 2011 at 2:22 PM

tl;dr version: they ended up with a hooker and Jason Biggs could not maintain his erection.

Bonus: a typo describing his sweaty hands as a "bi-product."

Posted by what_now on October 28, 2011 at 2:34 PM

That's a shame, I've always wanted to fuck Jason Biggs, but not if his penis has been in a vagina that vapid and idiotic.

Who am I kidding, I'd still fuck him to next tuesday.

Posted by brandon on October 28, 2011 at 2:45 PM

this was in jezebel weeks ago. old news.

Posted by scary tyler moore

on October 28, 2011 at 2:52 PM

@22, I wasn't reading too closely, but I got the impression his erection was just fine while the hooker was doing him, but he lost it when his wife took a turn.

Posted by Fnarf

on October 28, 2011 at 2:56 PM