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Friday, October 7, 2011

Small and Private Funeral for Steve Jobs

Posted by on Fri, Oct 7, 2011 at 1:50 PM


The funeral for Steve Jobs, Apple Inc.'s (AAPL) co-founder, is taking place Friday, according to a person familiar with the matter.

The funeral is characterized as a small private gathering, this person said. The person would not say where or when the event was taking place, citing respect for Jobs and his family's privacy.

Small and private gathering in an undisclosed location? This seems rather unfair for the worshipers of this man's products. A funeral fitting the level of emotion that has been expressed on blogs, Facebook, Tweeter, TV, and radio shows would look like this...


Comments (16) RSS

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Grant Brissey, Emeritus 1
Well-to-do liver thief.
Posted by Grant Brissey, Emeritus on October 7, 2011 at 1:56 PM · Report this
Dougsf 2
I'm sure even Khomeini had a private service in addition to this. Also, nerds just don't party that hard.
Posted by Dougsf on October 7, 2011 at 2:01 PM · Report this
This seems rather unfair for the worshipers of this man's products.

And that's everything you need to know about Charles. Nevermind the man's family, what's important here are the needs of the worshipers of products.
Posted by also on October 7, 2011 at 2:05 PM · Report this
crap bag 4
Charles, you've been kind of a dick this week. Please take the rest of the afternoon off. We'll see you again on Monday.
Posted by crap bag on October 7, 2011 at 2:07 PM · Report this
Cascadian 5
Conspiracy theory: he's not dead, but has just been cryogenically frozen for eventual placement in the spaceship that they're building in Cupertino (…) that will hold the Apple colony of true believers.
Posted by Cascadian on October 7, 2011 at 2:25 PM · Report this
OuterCow 6
@5 Well, technically, people in cryo, at least how it's currently practiced, ARE dead. Zero brain function.
Posted by OuterCow on October 7, 2011 at 2:34 PM · Report this
Zebes 7
>comparing Jobs to Khomeini, even in passing

Charles, normally I don't buy the 'Charles is just trolling' arguments, but you sure make it tricky sometimes.
Posted by Zebes on October 7, 2011 at 2:46 PM · Report this
rob! 8
A cryonically frozen person has no chance whatsoever of being returned to the life it formerly lived.

Even postulating a perfectly frozen and maintained specimen, you would need some sort of holographic microwave field to thaw it out—that is, virtually every cell in the body would have to receive the precise amount of energy it needed to go from preservation temperature to normal human temperature within probably about 30 seconds or less; no more energy, or the cell would start to cook.

Cellular structures are damaged by the slow creep of ice crystals at temps between the preservation range and 0°C, even if the cells have been successfully treated with cryoprotectant chemicals. So the transition needs to be made very rapidly. It's easy for tissue-culture cells, sperm cells, or early embryos; they're essentially single cells or very small agglomerations of cells in culture medium, and they can be awakened by swishing the vial in a warm water bath because the volume is so small. Nevertheless, there's some damage, and it takes time for the cell to recover and begin dividing normally. Even if you could thaw a whole human successfully, it would already be suffering from whatever killed it in the first place, with thawing damage on top of that.

The only imaginable hope for life extension of a terminally sick body is nanobots that can go in and repair the damage cell- by-cell, before death. Cryonics is a fraud.
Posted by rob! on October 7, 2011 at 2:53 PM · Report this
MacCrocodile 9
@8 - Conspiracy fodder: Apple has already produced said nanobots. They can only be seen under a microscope and hold 16 GB of music. Soon, once Jobs has been rebuilt, he will emerge as the "new" face of Apple.
Posted by MacCrocodile on October 7, 2011 at 2:59 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 10
Decorum doesn't really fit the US.
Posted by undead ayn rand on October 7, 2011 at 3:18 PM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 11
"...worshipers of this man's products"! What? Wait, I get it. You're saying, Apple is a cult! Wow. Brilliant. Brilliantly original. That explains why people buy Apple's stuff. Mystery solved!

You should announce this idea to the world. Apple is a cult! It explains so much.
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn on October 7, 2011 at 3:32 PM · Report this
They're probably trying to avoid the Westboro Baptist douchebags. Which I don't blame them for at all.
Posted by JenV on October 7, 2011 at 3:33 PM · Report this

I heard they're making him a lifesized one of these...…

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://_ on October 7, 2011 at 4:22 PM · Report this
tournant 14
@3--when I got to that sentence I knew I was reading a Chuckles post.
Posted by tournant on October 7, 2011 at 5:03 PM · Report this
Well, if the memorial service were public, some unpleasant person* would point out how much it resembled a similar sevice held at Xerox PARC in 1978, and that screaming at anyone who got their lines wrong were a bug, not a feature.

*probably me
Posted by Gerald Fnord on October 7, 2011 at 6:40 PM · Report this
But we've already had a great big exuberant public funeral for Steve Jobs. We had it in the most appropriate possible manner: we had it online and in the media. What could be more fitting, than to eulogize him using devices he helped create?
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on October 8, 2011 at 9:14 AM · Report this

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