Here's the deal: I'm breaking up with you. It's been a long time coming, even though I used to admire you from afar, like in The Office. I was like Jim—dopey but adorable—and you were Pam: oblivious. I wanted it to work out so bad.
And then it happened—we got together (cue When Two Become One). And guess what? It sucked. Oh sure, you taught me a few things, like how to regurgitate police reports, hate tunnels, and fear pit bull attacks. But what does any of that do for me? I even had to share you with another intern. (It was supposed to be our desk!)
And let's not forget—you sure as hell didn't pay me.
So thanks for the "fun" times, that weird rash, and this water cup with its "Official Seal of Excellence" you gave me on our three-month anniversary. This cup that you tried to pass off as something special, even though you were too cheap to buy me a real cup made out of something fancy, like plastic. I hear the Seal of Excellence wasn't even yours—some other sad Unpaid Intern left it behind after you broke her heart.
So, I'm gone. This is one piece of sweet Unpaid Intern ass you won't ever get another look at.