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Let us take a moment to admire the kind of action star Zoe Saldana plays in Colombiana. Cataleya, her character, is not one of those uses-her-sexuality-as-a-weapon female assassins we’ve seen in hundreds of action movies over the last couple of decades—instead, she’s a stone-cold regular assassin. She will hit you with a truck and shoot a fucking rocket launcher down your throat until you are dead, just like Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal or any of those other male action stars you’ve gotten tired of watching over the years. Like, say, Arnold Schwarzenegger, she saves the sex for off-hours, with a hot piece of ass she keeps on the side—in this case, a forgettably unkempt painter who wants the aloof Cataleya to share her feelings with him. This is surely some kind of great moment in idiot-action-movie equality, and we should appreciate it.

This doesn’t make Colombiana any smarter, mind you...

(Keep reading.)