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News & ArtsWednesday, August 3, 2011
Life A Note to My Fellow Coffee-Shop-Squatting Laptop Hobos
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Aug 3, 2011 at 12:47 PM
Just read this at Gawker.
Here's how it's done, my fellow laptop hobos: You order something, you tip. If you sit for more than 90 minutes, you order something else, you tip again. Repeat as necessary, tipping each and every time. If the coffee shop you're in is filling up, invite someone who's looking for a seat to join you. (This doesn't require conversation—shudder—just a pre-cleared spot at your table and a nice, polite, silent nod.) If the place is really getting packed and you've been there for a while, pack up your shit and leave. It won't kill you to unplug and go for a walk. And you know what? There's another coffee shop somewhere nearby that isn't packed, maybe even one that's empty, a coffee shop where the baristas will be happy to see you and your laptop. Go find it.
2
Thank you, Mr. Coffeeshop Rules Policeman. When my internet failed at home a few weeks ago, I went to my favorite coffee shop and bought breakfast, a snack, and lunch. I didn't buy something every 90 minutes because I don't need to eat that fucking much. I stayed there the whole day because my job doesn't allow me to get up and disappear for half an hour while I search for someplace else just as adequate. And the tables at Fuel are fucking small and don't allow for two people plus a laptop plus a mouse plus my purchased food and drink.
6
@2:
"Something every 90 minutes" ≠ food.
"Something" can mean a fresh cup of tea, a sparkling water, a piece of fruit that you toss in your bag to eat later (food, yes, but not food you have to eat just then). And, hey, if you got breakfast, lunch, and a snack, and tipped every time, you're doing fine -- and at Fuel you get an exemption on the table-sharing issue.
I salute you, defensive/aggro-coffee-shop squatter!
"Something every 90 minutes" ≠ food.
"Something" can mean a fresh cup of tea, a sparkling water, a piece of fruit that you toss in your bag to eat later (food, yes, but not food you have to eat just then). And, hey, if you got breakfast, lunch, and a snack, and tipped every time, you're doing fine -- and at Fuel you get an exemption on the table-sharing issue.
I salute you, defensive/aggro-coffee-shop squatter!
7
Asking freeloaders, cheapskates & bums* to act like civilized human beings is.... admirable. In spirit, anyways. Perhaps a few will listen, pause to reflect on their own attitudes, maybe even take action. For the rest.... it's coffee hobo-town for them.
*Of course I'm not talking about YOU, dear reader. You're a good, kind, considerate citizen of the internet, are you not? It's always those _other_ people that act like idiots, giving coffee hobos a bad name. Never you.
*Of course I'm not talking about YOU, dear reader. You're a good, kind, considerate citizen of the internet, are you not? It's always those _other_ people that act like idiots, giving coffee hobos a bad name. Never you.
8
Unless you're at Zoka in Tangletown, in which case the established protocol is to fill up every single table first thing in the morning and NEVER LEAVE. I swear some of those people keep a change of clothes there.
I have been known to hog a coffeeshop table with my laptop every great once in a while, but when I do I follow the buy+tip rule. And if I'm buying just a refill for a quarter, the tip is 75 cents.
I have been known to hog a coffeeshop table with my laptop every great once in a while, but when I do I follow the buy+tip rule. And if I'm buying just a refill for a quarter, the tip is 75 cents.
10
If people actually followed these suggestions there might even be a seat available at the 15th Ave Victrola between 10 and 6.
@2 - Okay at Fuel, but what's your excuse for spreading your crap around 4 seats at every other place?
Or for giving the stink eye when a pair/group of friends go to a coffee shop to talk, drink, eat, and laugh together. It's not your study carrel at the college library, some people enjoy socializing in public places.
@2 - Okay at Fuel, but what's your excuse for spreading your crap around 4 seats at every other place?
Or for giving the stink eye when a pair/group of friends go to a coffee shop to talk, drink, eat, and laugh together. It's not your study carrel at the college library, some people enjoy socializing in public places.
11
Yeah, the every 90 minutes thing doesn't quite work for me, but if I am there for several hours, I always buy at least two food items.
At the coffee shop I go to (mainly on the weekend because I need to work a lot on the weekend and the coffee shop is less depressing than my office), I mainly drink iced tea, and I've tried to purchase a second drink, but they won't let me pay for a refill. Don't know if it is a southern thing or because it's just tea. But I usually buy a bagel when I get there, and a cookie or something a few hours later. And if I'm there all day, I do buy lunch and/or dinner.
When it's crowded, I either don't stay all day or I go outside and work and deal with the smokers and heat for a while.
At the coffee shop I go to (mainly on the weekend because I need to work a lot on the weekend and the coffee shop is less depressing than my office), I mainly drink iced tea, and I've tried to purchase a second drink, but they won't let me pay for a refill. Don't know if it is a southern thing or because it's just tea. But I usually buy a bagel when I get there, and a cookie or something a few hours later. And if I'm there all day, I do buy lunch and/or dinner.
When it's crowded, I either don't stay all day or I go outside and work and deal with the smokers and heat for a while.
12
Sit?
Un-plug?
Today's computer user is a Android owner.
Computing is done in seconds, not hours.
Staring at screens is replaced by walking around and checking in.
Meet up instantly and organize a conversation with your group apps.
13
All day in a coffee shop? Ugh! No matter how trendy it is.
Instead of buying interent service at home, get a mobile Interent and go compute in a park.
Instead of buying interent service at home, get a mobile Interent and go compute in a park.
14
@12, Jesus Christ, are you a robot or what?
@11, if you're getting free tea, you tip heavily. A dollar a time.
@11, if you're getting free tea, you tip heavily. A dollar a time.
15
@14 - I always do. The coffee shop I go to has fantastic baristas who take good care of their regular customers. Even though I pay with plastic, I always take cash to put in the tip jar.
16
I have no reason to use coffee shop internet access, I don't think I'v ever been in one with anything but the intent to pick up a drink and run. But after reading that giggle inducing write up, and the aggro poster here in comments I have this incredible urge to grab my laptop and zip across the street to the MN Starbucks clone (what is that name?!?) and be such a good computer hobo!
17
Excellent advice. I'm surprised there's so many coffee shops up there with exposed outlets, and I totally understand why shop owners cover them.
20
All of this reminds me of a hilarious Yelp review I read a while ago wherein the reviewer admitted to bringing her own food to eat while camping at a U District coffee shop and was pissed that the manager kicked her out. The best part of it was she had to have been a UW student, and the UW has free wifi.
22
@20 - yeah, lots of people feel like you do, mostly the jerks who make a mess with the sugar, cream and napkins when the trash can IS RIGHT THERE. It's always the assholes that make the biggest messes that don't think they should have to at all.
23
Yes, I absolutely love the regulars at my store, who come in with large mugs and want "a small's worth of coffee and the rest hot water" and then surf the Drudge report all day. One particular example has been know to table squat for 6 hours at a stretch in the best table, not tip, and then go sit in the parking lot with his laptop to continue to use the wifi. I did get him tossed the day he unplugged the roaster while I was using it, though.
Most of my patrons are decent people. But some should be throttled, both literally and bandwidth-wise.
Most of my patrons are decent people. But some should be throttled, both literally and bandwidth-wise.
24
I understand that many people need a place to do their work. But honestly, walking into a cafe that's filled with anemic looking men and women staring at their laptop screens -- it's depressing!
We need to commune, connect, and converse more.
Unplug a little and look into someone's EYES!
End of rant. Thank you.
We need to commune, connect, and converse more.
Unplug a little and look into someone's EYES!
End of rant. Thank you.
25
@14. God we should be so lucky. Maybe eventually his power source would run out. I can't imagine who would go through all the trouble to design a robot and make it stupid, though. No he is just a garden-variety defective and probable rapist.
27
I don't understand how people get any work done, sitting in a coffee shop with their laptop.
I'm like the dog in "Up"...sitting there typing my little puff pieces about Glee or Muscle bears or drag queens, and then..
SQUIRREL!
and, I'm done. Too many distractions.
Also: too expensive.
I'm like the dog in "Up"...sitting there typing my little puff pieces about Glee or Muscle bears or drag queens, and then..
SQUIRREL!
and, I'm done. Too many distractions.
Also: too expensive.
28
Did Dan reference a Miller commercial in his reply there, or was that a meme before Miller did it? Or whatever shitty beer company.
Also, great advice. BUY SHIT.
Also, great advice. BUY SHIT.
29
@3, I went there first but the Montlake library has hours of approximately 11-2 on days where the third letter is R. Thanks for trying.
30
Tangentially speaking (but related): is there any way we can get coffeeshops to start selling salty / non-sweet food, besides sandwiches? I often want a little snack, the equivalent of a muffin, but not sweet. I'd buy a little bowl of rasins and almonds for $2, I just don't want more sugar. I've suggested this to a few baristas, but they didn't seem to get it.
Is anyone with me on this????
Is anyone with me on this????
34
Fuck tipping a Barista, their job is so easy per person. Like a hair stylist who takes time to do my hair for 20$ for like thirty minutes gets a tip. The guy who drove a few miles to bring me pizza gets a tip. The person who holds down a knob while my coffee pours into a cup (unless they are creating gravity) does not get a tip. Especially when I'm paying a ridiculous amount of money because I want to support the business. Just pay the Baristas normal wages and stop expecting tips.
35
Maybe one solution is to charge for wifi. Engineer it so patrons can use what they've paid for wifi to get drinks or food. So, if you pay $2 for an hour of wifi, you can trade that in for a cup of coffee. That would at least scare off the most egregious of moochers.
36
@30 - I'm with you. I don't do well eating baked goods in general, and I avoid sandwiches too. I'd happily buy food if there were something I could eat, but I usually just stick to coffee/tea drinks. Unfortunately, it would be too much overhead involved to expect a coffeeshop to juggle so many food items. I would, however, happily pay an "outside food" surcharge once in a while.
37
I've always been more of a fan of 24/7 breakfast diners for my work. There's a Denny's by me that has free wifi, and I love it, even if I don't love the food. I can't say the servers weren't a little hesitant at first, and I can't blame them, but I tip well, and they have no problem with me now.
38
Hanging out all day at a coffee shop and hogging table space from would-be paying customers? that's douchey.
39
@2: you're pretty awesome for jumping in to demonstrate the complete douche response so quickly. If your job is so strict about not letting you leave to search for a place to work, they should try PROVIDING A GODDAMN PLACE FOR YOU TO WORK.
40
Lori sez "That's awesome. That guy's my new hero. Too bad we can't print it out and put it on the wall. Ready for another cup of coffee?"
41
Ugh. Some of the coffee shops in my city have started limiting table-time to an hour, and not allowing laptops at certain times of the day. I appreciate their need to accomodate paying customers, but really, an hour? That's all I get to eat and chat when I just paid for your ridiculously overpriced coffee and sandwiches? If you don't want customers hanging around, get into the fast food business, don't open a comfortable coffee shop.
42
Great advice, Dan. Coffee shops are neighborhood meeting places. If you are going to buy one drink and stare blankly at your screen for six hours when not glaring at the poor saps trying to have conversations around you, get your coffee to go and go to a library. No barista minds people working in coffee shops, just those who are assholes about it.
43
Jude, there's more sugar in raisins than just about anything on earth. Take a grape, remove the water and what have you got?
Sugar.
Sugar.
44
When I was unemployed, there were two days of the month when I had to be out of the house for most of the day. Sometimes I would plan to go to movies or museums or something. But often I had stuff I had to do on the computer, either looking for work or earning a little side money. I'd go to an Internet cafe and start with a large coffee. When that was done, I'd get another large coffee (refills were a dollar) and a bagel. Then another coffee. Around noon, I'd order a sandwich. No major purchases here, but I'd stagger them out. After finishing my lunch, if I still had work I needed to do, I'd pack up and head to the public library a few blocks away.
Now I have a job, but I work from home. If my internet went out for some reason, I'd do the same routine.
Now I have a job, but I work from home. If my internet went out for some reason, I'd do the same routine.
45
This actually raises an interesting question...
I recently started a business writing wedding ceremonies, and as someone who isn't naturally inclined to shmoopiness, I find that it really helps me to have a cocktail or two while writing to get the muck outta the works. I've been having a hell of a time finding a place in my area to do this. Any suggestions?
I recently started a business writing wedding ceremonies, and as someone who isn't naturally inclined to shmoopiness, I find that it really helps me to have a cocktail or two while writing to get the muck outta the works. I've been having a hell of a time finding a place in my area to do this. Any suggestions?
47
Man, I *wish* people would tip that nicely. We do split tips between everyone (otherwise, the people who usually work on bar wouldn't get tips). We don't make much, and whenever you tip, you really make our day. - a barista
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