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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Film / Games "You Sunk My (Alien) Battleship!"

Posted by on Thu, Jul 28, 2011 at 9:49 AM

Here's the first trailer for Battleship—the film based on the classic board game on which I used to kick my dumb brother's ass on a regular basis—and here's what we know so far:
1) It stars Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgård in the role Tom Cruise and Will Smith are too old to play, and an actress with nipples. (If after watching it again I can take my eyes off her nipples long enough to identify her, I'll let you know.)
2) It also stars the Navy! And BATTLESHIPS. And Transformers??
3) B-14! (Hit.) B-15! (Hit.) B-13? (HIT! YOU SUNK MY MICHAEL BAY RIP-OFF!!)

 

Comments (31) RSS

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dnt trust me 1
Looks awful. Maybe in the actual movie we get the line from the hottie, "You sucked my battlenip!"
Then all's forgiven.
Posted by dnt trust me on July 28, 2011 at 9:55 AM
piminnowcheez 2
I like all these actors too much to feel anything but dread of vicarious embarrassment watching this. Why do they have to keep making movies like this? Why?

The only thing that saves this imho is a whole lotta naked Taylor Kitsch.
Posted by piminnowcheez on July 28, 2011 at 10:06 AM
Fnarf 3
I'm holding out for the big-bucks action movie made from Candyland or Sorry.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on July 28, 2011 at 10:06 AM
samktg 4
Um. Okay. This a movie. That people made. For other people to watch. People are fucking idiots.
Posted by samktg on July 28, 2011 at 10:07 AM
5
Nice feature-length ad for the Navy...
Posted by Sterno on July 28, 2011 at 10:09 AM
sloegin 6
Jenga!: Your basic Die-Hard remake, Euro-Terrorist Hans or Dieter, blowing up random floors of an office building.

When does the tower collapse? Loads of explosions and suspense. Literal block-buster.
Posted by sloegin on July 28, 2011 at 10:12 AM
7
I think Humpy pretty much wrote the review for this film right here.
Posted by seatackled on July 28, 2011 at 10:25 AM
8
Someday technology will make it possible to do away with the actresses completely, and just keep the interesting parts. You'll just have lips floating around above nipples - maybe the whole breasts, depending on what the marketing surveys show.
Posted by Patti on July 28, 2011 at 10:29 AM
9
that carrier is the USS Ronald Reagan
Posted by Goldy pounds his daughters loose pussy on July 28, 2011 at 10:35 AM
Lola, Now in Iowa City 10
I hate action, but Tim Riggins warms this middle-aged lesbian's heart and stuff. Go figure.

Lola, Now in Seward Park, and thank you for the nice weather, Seattle.
Posted by Lola, Now in Iowa City on July 28, 2011 at 10:44 AM
11
So this is "based on the board game" in the sense that it involves a battle with ships?
Posted by The CHZA on July 28, 2011 at 10:46 AM
12
Well, this was certainly a much better use of Universal's $200,000,000 than Guillermo del Toro's version of "At the Mountains of Madness". *sob*
Posted by jzimbert on July 28, 2011 at 10:47 AM
Beetlecat 13
I so wanted the film version of tetris to come out first...
Posted by Beetlecat on July 28, 2011 at 10:50 AM
Ratatoskr 14
0___0
Posted by Ratatoskr on July 28, 2011 at 10:57 AM
samktg 15
Someone pull @9.
Posted by samktg on July 28, 2011 at 10:58 AM
prompt 16
I'm holding out for the Oregon Trail movie first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHps2Secu…
Posted by prompt on July 28, 2011 at 11:07 AM
COMTE 17
@3:

I'm not sure if you're being facetious, but OTOH, be very, very careful what you wish for...

And if movies-based-on-board-games is this year's trend, may we assume we'll be seeing "Snakes And Ladders" starring Samuel L. Jackson sometime in the near future?
Posted by COMTE http://www.chriscomte.com on July 28, 2011 at 11:29 AM
Will in Seattle 18
I'm going to have to watch this a few more times.

B5 ... Damn, missed!
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on July 28, 2011 at 11:51 AM
evilvolus 19
@11 - After the energy pulse, there's a line about the radar going wonky. I assume that there'll be a scene involving firing randomly into the ocean in the hopes of blowing something up.
Posted by evilvolus on July 28, 2011 at 11:57 AM
Matt from Denver 20
@ 15, that was hidden, and you made me curious to read it. In the future, please email the webmaster. They'll probably find it faster that way, too...
Posted by Matt from Denver on July 28, 2011 at 12:37 PM
Dougsf 21
That was totally Top Gun with boats until that alien thing showed up. Does not take my breathe away.

Also, this fast-then-slowmo-then-regular-speed action sequences have to stop.
Posted by Dougsf on July 28, 2011 at 1:01 PM
Foghorn Leghorn 22
I weep for the future.
Posted by Foghorn Leghorn on July 28, 2011 at 1:06 PM
The Wretched Harmony 23
Liam Neeson likes money. I like money. We should hang out.
Posted by The Wretched Harmony on July 28, 2011 at 1:20 PM
24
@1, , you are not a movie critic, I am the frigging movie critic here:

But I'm confused, was it Battleship vs. Predators, or The Transformer Battleship Movie???

Anyhow, great nipples!!!!!
Posted by sgt_doom on July 28, 2011 at 1:22 PM
25
@11, The CHZA,

"So this is "based on the board game" in the sense that it involves a battle with ships?"

Negative, it is when you were playing that frigging boring game, and wishing you were staring at nips like hers.....
Posted by sgt_doom on July 28, 2011 at 1:24 PM
26
I don't have to take my eyes of those boobs to know that they belong to Brooklyn Decker.
Posted by Because Sports on July 28, 2011 at 1:24 PM
Fnarf 27
@17, I want to cry.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on July 28, 2011 at 2:18 PM
Knat 28
I counted five clichés before sighting the aliens. How many did the rest of you come up with?
Posted by Knat on July 28, 2011 at 4:12 PM
29
Why is there a Battleship? We put those in mothballs like twenty years ago and the only two left are being turned into museums.
Posted by Spike1382 on July 28, 2011 at 6:48 PM
30
Are you sure this wasn't a TATTOOED battleship a la Lydia the Tattooed Lady?
Posted by Dr. Z on July 28, 2011 at 8:50 PM
31
candyland actually would make a great movie
Posted by 5000927 on July 28, 2011 at 11:08 PM

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