Good morning! You're probably thinking: What could possibly top Seattle City Council member Jean Godden giving a room packed with 400-odd Seattle voters—many of them young enough to be her great-great-great-grand spawn—sexting advice?

Nothing, really. But a few moments came close during last night's five bouts of Candidate Survivor, the Washington Bus-hosted event that puts all the candidates running for each city council position on stage and forces them to duke it out as audience members text-vote the winners.

For example: The batshit brilliance of Dian "You are the first audience to hear my poetry" Ferguson, who waxed poetic about George Bush and the, uh, needs men have while crying.*

And! City Council member Tim Burgess rapping to Wiz Khalifa, earning him both the win against challenger David Schaer and the grudging respect of Candidate Survivor panelist and Stranger music critic Larry Mizell Jr. "I tend to come down hard on guys who rap over pre-recorded vocals but it’s pretty typical of white rappers," Mizell told Burgess. "You did good.”

There was city council member Tom "The Tunnel" Rasmussen's rebellious "haiku" about life on city council...

Strong Council/Moving forward/Mayor flailing/Numbers falling/Stranger railing/Readers yawning.

... which prompted this rebuttal haiku from panelist and Stranger news editor Dominic Holden:

Our city council
Like seven Joni Balters
—Except Mike and Nick

Rasmussen won his bout against challenger Dale Pusey, who he's currently out-fundraising 300 to 1.

Other highlights of the night: Godden and Clark admitting that they're the only candidates who've ever skinny dipped in Lake Washington; Burgess, Bobby Forch, and Bruce Harrell swearing that they've never smoked pot; All the candidates vowing to support later bar hours, vote YES on paid sick days for all Seattle workers, and legalize same-sex marijuana;

And the Washington Bus raising $500 from an audience campaign—spearheaded by the vivacious and insistent labor representative Sarah Cherin—to persuade host Toby Crittenden to take his shirt off.**

Meanwhile, the best quotes of the night go to challenger Brad Meacham VS incumbent Bruce Harrell:

“The tunnel doesn’t work, we can’t afford it, and it doesn’t have any transit." —Brad Meacham, anti-tunnel crusader.

"I’ve said all along I’ve never been in love with the tunnel, I was one of the strongest proponents of surface transit. The truth is, the people writing the checks will not pay for it.” —Bruce Harrell, tunnel hostage.

Meacham then bested Harrell with 63 percent of the vote.

And then there was Godden challenger Michael Taylor-Judd, the Tiger Beat heartthrob who fucking killed it with words all night: “Half of this city’s population is under 40 and we don’t have a single person under 40 on the city council," said MTJ to a cheering crowd. "We’re sick and tired of standing in rooms like this, hearing people say they share our values, only to go and make deals with business interests behind closed doors.”

If I may paraphrase: "coughcoughBRUCEHARELLYOUBACKPEDALING,PANDERINGWEASELcoughcough."

In the end, tunnel critics handily dominated in every race in which they were entered. Aside from Meacham, MTJ and one-time tunnel skeptic Bobby Forch tied as the winners for Godden's seat by each garnering 30 percent of the audience's vote (Classen and Godden each received 20 percent of the vote).

*I would rather hysterectomize a wet cat with a spork than repeat Ferguson's poems. Sorry.
**Alas, Crittenden wouldn't even take his sport coat off.***
***I want my dollar back.