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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Hetero 2-Second Hefner

Posted by Charles Mudede on Wed, Jul 27, 2011 at 1:17 PM

Say it ain't so...

Crystal Harris is moving on from Hugh Hefner, but not without taking a few parting shots at her former fiancé.

Harris, 24, said Tuesday on Sirius XM Radio's Howard Stern Show that sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted "like two seconds."

"Then I was just over it," she says. "I was like, 'Ahhh.' I was over it. I just like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef, sorry."

She adds that they had sex just once.

"He doesn't really take off his clothes," Harris says. "I've never seen Hef naked."

This is just like the end of that terrible movie American Beauty, when everyone turns out to be their exact opposite. All of this time I thought the king of porn was hung like a horse and fucked like a sex machine. Now that I know he is no sex machine, I have to doubt that he is hung like a horse. Something the king of porn could never say: "I was once inside for so long, they had to file a missing person's report."

Comments (18) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

At least she didn't describe pegging his ass.

Posted by Vince on July 27, 2011 at 1:29 PM

What!? An old-ass man is not so good at sex? The devil, you say!

Posted by McGee on July 27, 2011 at 1:33 PM

Since when has the woman in question's enjoyment had anything to do with the production of porn?

Posted by Fistique on July 27, 2011 at 1:40 PM

Gee, sex with a man in his 80's sucked...

Who could have seen that cumming!

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on July 27, 2011 at 1:40 PM

Hey, as long as Gene Simmons' hair is still the real thing, the sexual outlook the media has created for me can remain untainted. Err... there's probably a better word for it than untainted.

Even if it doesn't exactly end Hef's tenure as America's #1 pervy gramps, it seems unnecessarily mean—even in a "this is how dirtbags stay in the news" kinda way—to bad-mouth your stepping stone like this, even if you did burn that bridge.

Posted by Dougsf on July 27, 2011 at 1:46 PM

Seriously, I'll be thrilled to no end if I'm able to even still have sex at the age of 85, regardless of how long it lasts.

And really, Hef hasn't heard of foreplay?

Posted by COMTE

on July 27, 2011 at 1:53 PM

those 2 seconds made your career, baby!

Posted by Max Solomon on July 27, 2011 at 2:02 PM

Yet, she was going to marry him anyway and is trying to sell the ring. Does she have a "WHORE" tattoo on her face?

Posted by Sir Vic on July 27, 2011 at 2:06 PM

I'd expect a classy lady like her to show more discretion when discussing ex-lovers.

Posted by seandr on July 27, 2011 at 2:14 PM

I bet she's already found this list of new prospective husbands. Look out, Walter Haefner!

Posted by Banna

on July 27, 2011 at 2:19 PM

Agenda spy expelled from the mansion.

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on July 27, 2011 at 2:39 PM

Yuck. she is a disgusting human being.

Posted by Chester Copperpot on July 27, 2011 at 2:53 PM

The only thing worse than hearing a hooker describe what it was like to fuck a greasy old man, is Charles lamenting that the old man does not have a huge dick. Really Charles? You did not see the economics at play in this situation?

Posted by Reg on July 27, 2011 at 3:14 PM

I'm sorry for your disappointment, Charles. We'll find an elderly, wealthy pornographer with a massive dick who fucks like a champ for you. Just you wait!

Posted by Zuulabelle

on July 27, 2011 at 3:45 PM

@14 Love you.

Posted by OuterCow on July 27, 2011 at 4:02 PM

That sex tape was such a ripoff!

Posted by UNPAID COMMENTER on July 27, 2011 at 4:17 PM

I can't decide which is more of a surprise, that an 85-year-old man would be a lousy fuck or that a 24-year-old who fucked him would be cheap and nasty. The poor thing seems confused, though, about who was auditioning whom. It's also not entirely clear to me how filling the job of Hef's fuck buddy isn't considered prostitution.

Should make for some hilarious footage on The Soup, though.

Posted by Fnarf