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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Horrors / History / Film Things I Learned Doing Preliminary Research for My Smurfs Review

Posted by Lindy West on Tue, Jul 26, 2011 at 4:25 PM

First of all, let us try and imagine the type of person who spends their time writing/editing the Wikipedia page for "Smurfette." Done? Good. (Sorry for what is happening in your brain right now.)

Second of all, if you are not familiar with the sordid history of Smurfette, YOU ARE WELCOME IN ADVANCE.

Third of all, taking into consideration items 1 and 2 (see above), it should come as no surprise that the Wikipedia page for "Smurfette" is one of the greatest pieces of literature in existence. I shall now quote it liberally for your pleasure.

Smurfette was magically created from clay by the Smurfs' enemy, Gargamel, so that she would use her charms to cause jealousy and competition among the Smurfs in order to cause their fall.

Biblical!!!

Gargamel's plans didn't work well at all. The smurfs' kindness to Smurfette caused her to want nothing else than to be a real smurf. Papa Smurf took pity on her and took her to his laboratory, where they locked themselves in while he cast spells, including infusing her with moonbeams, before emerging.

Oh, okay. He infused her with moonbeams and now she calls him "Papa." Gross.

Papa Smurf magically undid some of Gargamel's spells, consequently turning Smurfette into a more beautiful creature. Her hair grew and became blonde. Her dress became more frilly. As a final touch, her shoes turned into high-heel pumps.

Attention: girls with short, dark hair who don't wear high heels. You are evil and made of clay and will remain so until you let an elderly elf bone you inside a magic mushroom.

Smurfette now had long, flowing blonde hair and an appealing character. This caused every Smurf of the village to fall in love with her.

Except, of course, for Gaylord Smurf.

The Smurfs got their revenge on Gargamel by using the same process that he had used to make the Smurfette, but in this case they built a man-sized, wart-covered, ugly old hag who talked Smurf language and chased the horrified sorcerer all over the forest.

Come on, you guys. Man-sized rape-witch is like the oldest trick in the book.

She is not only the love interest with younger Smurfs such as Handy but Papa Smurf has a small interest in her as well. When he announces to her that she "should consider an older and more mature Smurf" She becomes a little grossed out but covers it up easily so Papa Smurf does not take to noticing.

GREAT POINT, SMURFETTE. IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY CONSIDERED MOLESTERY GRAMPS'S SMURF-FEELINGS.

Also, this is happening.

(My review of the Smurfs movie comes out in tomorrow's paper.)

Comments (29) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

with that lead in I expect your review to be 100% stroke worthy, in the sense of that trashy Tudors show on HBO. Totally engorged with anticipation.

Posted by whomever whilst have me on July 26, 2011 at 4:34 PM

I want to read the journal article "The Same Thing We Do Every Night: Signifying Same-Sex Desire in Television Cartoons" but the link in the Wikipedia article is broken.

Posted by Ziggity on July 26, 2011 at 4:37 PM

T_T TOO BLUE.

Posted by Baconcat on July 26, 2011 at 4:39 PM

Wikipedia humor: "Smurfette returned occasionally to the village, though she found that her presence still AROUSED conflict." (caps mine).

Posted by unpaid reader on July 26, 2011 at 4:47 PM

AHA HA HA HA thank you, Lindy!

Posted by Jason Baxter on July 26, 2011 at 4:56 PM

Man-sized rape-witch... now I know how to describe myself on dating websites. Thanks, Lindy!

Posted by ms_molly on July 26, 2011 at 4:57 PM

"Let's take a picture so we can always remember the day we 'spilled the blue paint'..."

Posted by Stinky Pete on July 26, 2011 at 5:15 PM

I can't wait to see this redone for the new Grimm TV show this fall!

Posted by Will in Seattle

on July 26, 2011 at 5:25 PM

when i was in 9th grade, my old man english teacher told me that because i didn't have blond hair and blue eyes no man was ever going to give me a second look.

wish i was joking but i'm not! i've always kinda hoped that maybe it was intended to be humorous or something else, but he said it with a straight face and never made any attempt to undo it, so i'm pretty sure he meant it. awesome.

Posted by mr. herriman on July 26, 2011 at 5:31 PM

the Smurfs are a racist dictatorship:

http://boingboing.net/2011/06/07/racism-…

Posted by runswithnailclippers on July 26, 2011 at 6:02 PM

What color is a Smurf's cum?

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on July 26, 2011 at 6:47 PM

Smurfette was magically created from clay by the Smurfs' enemy, Gargamel, so that she would use her charms to cause jealousy and competition among the Smurfs in order to cause their fall.

Bitches man!

Posted by jnonymous on July 26, 2011 at 7:37 PM

Even before I read Lindy's undoubtedly scathing review tomorrow, I can't think of anything that could possibly make me see this movie.

Posted by Reverse Polarity on July 26, 2011 at 7:47 PM

I got 99 smurfs and a Smurfette ain't one.

Posted by sirkowski

on July 26, 2011 at 8:43 PM

I heard they removed Vanity Smurf - - the only gay Smurf - - -from the movie.

Posted by Bremerton Boy on July 26, 2011 at 8:52 PM

Smurfette has sex with all the Smurfs while Papa Smurf watches the sex videos and jerks off. Don't believe me, see:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qACNqaEkH…

Posted by Bremerton Boy on July 26, 2011 at 8:58 PM

@2 is this the article you are seeking? http://www.icce.rug.nl/~soundscapes/VOLU…

Posted by vooodooo84 on July 26, 2011 at 10:57 PM

@15: Smurf village was rampant with situational male homosexuality given the scarcity of smurf pussy.

Posted by seandr on July 27, 2011 at 12:36 AM

I don't know Lindy, I always thought Smurf Village was a communist utopia, where everyone looked alike save for the Queen. Can Charles back me up? I am pretty sure the creator of the Smurfs was a known Commie as well.

Posted by Marxy Smurf on July 27, 2011 at 1:03 AM

I'm so glad you're writing this Lindy!

Posted by doloresdaphne on July 27, 2011 at 3:58 AM

It became obvious that this movie is going to suck when they use Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" song for the TV commercial.

Posted by Kinison

on July 27, 2011 at 6:44 AM

I never let my kids watch the smurfs when they were little. Never let them watch Barney either.

Posted by Barbara on July 27, 2011 at 6:53 AM

@17, that was great fun to read. Thank you!

Posted by gloomy gus on July 27, 2011 at 7:52 AM

@17: Cheers!

Posted by Ziggity on July 27, 2011 at 8:40 AM

I think this pretty much answers any lingering questions you might have:

http://hongkongcavaliers.tumblr.com/post…

Posted by hexacorde on July 27, 2011 at 8:42 AM

How do Smurfs make love? They Smuck.

Posted by DaiBando on July 27, 2011 at 10:23 AM

Two words never meant to be next to one another: "Smurf pussy".

Posted by Just Jeff

on July 27, 2011 at 11:03 AM

I appreciate this article, but there is one thing I must point out. A female being introduced to males in order to cause them to fail is not biblical, it's mythological. In Hesiod's "Theogony", he says that Pandora was the cause of all problems, not her box. She was sent to cause men to have hardships. That she was dressed up by the goddesses Aphrodite and Athena to make her more attractive and therefore more devastating. The Judo-Christian tradition holds that females were introduced to be a partner to man, and to help him. (Even if there are non-cannonical myths that say that God screwed that one up twice before finally creating Eve). That Eve then did cause for them to be expelled from the Garden of Eden was not God's intent.

Posted by Olfactory-Ventriloquism on July 27, 2011 at 12:21 PM

Biblical, mythological... same thing.

Posted by shefightslikeagirl on July 28, 2011 at 6:34 AM