by Dan Savage
on Wed, Jul 13, 2011 at 11:25 AM
Some have tied to spin my views on monogamy and marriage as somehow sexist or anti-woman. It's not true, and there are women out there—in monogamous relationships and non—who aren't buying it:
I had never heard of you prior to reading the article in the The New York Times Magazine. I just now happened to catch you on The Colbert Report and decided to do a quick Google to find your blog. Despite what you wrote in your post, I DO understand your point. And I think it's smart.
This is coming from a woman in a monogamous marriage—tomorrow is our 10th anniversary—who stayed through a devastating affair early on. Because of that incident and the fallout afterwards, we actually have a stronger marriage especially in the arena of communication. It seems to me that what you are trying to get people to do is TO KNOW THEMSELVES and to be honest about that before jumping into the pretense of an "ideal" that doesn't really exist. The trouble is, I fear, that too many people live in a constant state of denial. So step 1—knowing yourself—is almost an impossibility. I know I learned much more about myself in the process of repairing our marriage then I learned about my husband.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that some of us who read the article in the Times as our first exposure to you DID get it.
Paula In Wisconsin
I'm a woman who agrees with what you are saying about monogamy. I'm sure you must be getting a lot of shit from people. So I wanted to email my support. I'm 49, a woman and my husband of 21 years has agreed that I can have sex with someone else since we don't have sex anymore. We plan on staying together. We are companions and friends. We have shared history and shared burdens. There have been bad times that we got through together—including the loss of our shared sex life. But in a weird way it may be a relief to both of us that the tension about our sex life is over. I'm so greatful that he is sensable about not trying to control my sexuality just because he's no longer sexual due to physical and emotional issues. I have a lover and it makes a huge impact on my life. I'd be a crazzzy woman without it. (I seem to be one of the women for whom menopause has increased my libido.) Sex is considered sooo important in marriage until one partner can't be sexual anymore and then the other is expected to just give sex up too. It's not that easy.
Getting It Now
But, hey, I did lick a doorknob once (stapler too!), so what the fuck do I know about anything?