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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Housekeeping / Mailbag This Week's New Column!

Posted by David Schmader on Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 2:26 PM

See the first reader letter sent to the rifle/columnist after the jump.

Dear Semiautomatic Rifle...

I feel that a lot of answers directed to you are entirely TOO NEGATIVE and should re-contextualize the situation. There you are, a very large masculine powerful answer to potentially millions of dollars in ransoms, stick-ups, and hostages during an economic depression, AND NOBODY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT. This is primarily the reason why I left Los Angeles in the first place. After seeing stuff in person that should only be limited to Law & Order episodes, I got sick of fearing for my life and headed out of the mean streets of Downtown to the forests of the Northwest. I find it absolutely charming that a rifle can live in peace on the top of a car... as opposed to be carried in by the dozen by a pack of LAPD (unlocked from the trunk before taken out for use) and used for duty in small business and banks.

Good for you, Semiautomatic Rifle, to be rendered so useless, you were forgotten. Take advantage of your vacation time and use it for something enjoyable, like bad television.

Straight Outta K-Town

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Comments (13) RSS

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Dear AR-15:

Do you ever wish people used a matchstick in your sear to convert you to full automatic?

Or are you too worried about your gas piston chamber melting?

Posted by Will in Seattle

on June 29, 2011 at 2:38 PM

Dear Weapon of Death:

How do you feel about body modifications? Do you miss the days when you had a grenade launcher for smoke rounds during the WTO riots, or are you glad to have lost all the baby weight? Also - what kind of tattoos do you prefer?

Posted by Will in Seattle

on June 29, 2011 at 2:44 PM

Dear AR-15 -

While it's fine for women to breast-feed in private, I would appreciate it if in the future you would make sure to close your clip when returning to the public sphere after doing so. Thanks.

STJA

Posted by STJA on June 29, 2011 at 2:45 PM

@1: Glad to hear you've been looking things up on Wikipedia.

Posted by venomlash on June 29, 2011 at 2:45 PM

Dar AR-15,

I am having problems with my boyfriend. He doesn't seem to want to have sex anymore and I am not sure what I should do? Do you have any advise?

Thanks

sexless in seattle

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on June 29, 2011 at 3:00 PM

ummm no

Posted by Swearengen on June 29, 2011 at 3:01 PM

@4 lol. Nope, personal use. With the Vandoos 22eme

Posted by Will in Seattle

on June 29, 2011 at 4:09 PM

Dear AR-15:

Do you consider yourself an "Assault Rifle", an "Assault Weapon" or just a "Rifle?"

Thanks:

Dwight

Posted by dwightmoodyforgetsthings

on June 29, 2011 at 4:11 PM

@4 - If he started doing that, I'm sure we could reduce the number of "Fnarf thinks WiS is an ignorant tool" comments by 50%.

Posted by evilvolus on June 29, 2011 at 4:19 PM

@5 - Shoot the motherfucker already.

Posted by MacCrocodile

on June 29, 2011 at 6:22 PM

i woulda straight up took that shit bouy !

Posted by whatsbeckgottadowithit on June 29, 2011 at 8:00 PM

I love how liberals are all, "Anyone could just pick this gun up and start shooting!" Because that's totally going to happen. Most people are dangerous lunatics just waiting for a cop to drive by with an assault rifle sitting on the trunk of the cop car so they can kill us all.

Hey, you know what's a deadly weapon that you can use to go on a killing spree with, where you could probably kill dozens, if not scores of people before anyone could stop you? A fucking car. Cars like the ones that whoosh within inches of you when you're standing on the corner waiting for the light to change, every day of your life.

Can you pack a car up in a bag and go on a shooting spree in a high school? No. But if the thing you're worried about is just the availability of deadly weapons as a matter of pure policy, cars are just as dangerous, infinitely more common, and infinitely easier to gain access to.

But that's not really what we're talking about here. So stop fronting.

Posted by Judah

on June 30, 2011 at 10:38 AM

@12 - The only things a gun is good for are hurting and killing. Okay, scaring people, too. Cars have other functions. Functions we have come to rely on in our daily lives. Functions that do not necessarily scare, hurt, or kill. Guns are not necessary to daily life, and given their narrowly defined purpose, the sight of a motherfucking gun left out in the open by the people who are supposed to protect us from motherfucking guns is understandably upsetting.

Posted by MacCrocodile

on June 30, 2011 at 10:16 PM