See the first reader letter sent to the rifle/columnist after the jump.
Dear Semiautomatic Rifle...
I feel that a lot of answers directed to you are entirely TOO NEGATIVE and should re-contextualize the situation. There you are, a very large masculine powerful answer to potentially millions of dollars in ransoms, stick-ups, and hostages during an economic depression, AND NOBODY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT. This is primarily the reason why I left Los Angeles in the first place. After seeing stuff in person that should only be limited to Law & Order episodes, I got sick of fearing for my life and headed out of the mean streets of Downtown to the forests of the Northwest. I find it absolutely charming that a rifle can live in peace on the top of a car... as opposed to be carried in by the dozen by a pack of LAPD (unlocked from the trunk before taken out for use) and used for duty in small business and banks.
Good for you, Semiautomatic Rifle, to be rendered so useless, you were forgotten. Take advantage of your vacation time and use it for something enjoyable, like bad television.