SL Letter of the Day: You're Deputized, Sloggers
by Dan Savage
on Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 2:18 PM
My boyfriend and I are long time listeners/readers of your column and hold you in high regard. I appreciate that you offer the less than "standard" advice as frankly standard advice works for no one. On to my situation.
I am almost 24 and my boyfriend is 22. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and things have happened along the way (him cheating with older men, as well as little things which shouldn't matter, but it all adds up). For the last year or two he's really been pushing for me to sleep with other men while he will remain monogamous (he has cuck fetishes as well and claims to be bi). I have felt uncomfortable with the idea and come from the type of background where monogamy is the only way so maybe that's why I have a hard time even considering it. He thinks it will improve our relationship.
Six months ago I reconnected with a friend of mine (also 24) that I hadn't seen in eight years, and since we have gotten together regularly and become very close. He has been dating a girl for about six months. When we have fights with the person we're dating and the other comes to the rescue and comforts and just is around awesome. It's come out recently that we have become a little too close, as in both admitting we have feelings for each other physically and emotionally.
Maybe it's because someone else has taken interest in me that I'm even thinking about the possibility of leaving my current boyfriend, granted dating friends is probably a horrible idea. I am pretty certain though that if our significant others weren't in the picture we'd probably be giving it a try. This friend and I both tend to give everything to relationships and not be getting much back if that makes sense. I am trying to imagine what I would be doing in life if I wasn't dating my current boyfriend, and I feel like he's holding me back, he has said he doesn't care to get married cause it's just a piece of paper, but to me it also shows you want to be with someone forever and I don't understand his reasoning. It is something I want regardless.
I don't feel like my boyfriend has any options if I leave him. We live in my apartment, he has no job, just his unemployment $ and no plans for the future (he has a degree already and some school loans, but he has no motivation at this point). I have a successful business, and absolutely no debt.
Having this mess of feelings I'm feeling for both guys, do I just suck it up, stay with my boyfriend, and wait to see what happens? Any advice or tips you have would be helpful.
Sorry For Rambling
I'm running around NYC today and I'm not gonna have time to prepare a proper response for SFR here. So I hereby deputize all you Sloggers, already the source of so much good advice for SLLOTDers, to give this girl the slapping around permission she needs to leave her boyfriend (who may find the motivation he lacks in the process), which is something she should do regardless of the potential new boyfriend. Thanks, gang. (Folks who read the SLLOTD on their phones can click here to participate in the Slog-mobbing/-advising of SFR.)