Everyone knows one of those dog owners who purchase teeny-tiny shoes for their dogs' delicate feet, carry their dogs around in designer papooses, and otherwise treat their puppies like they're four-year-old beauty queens and they—the owners—are shitshow stage moms in the grand tradition of Lynne Spears. But there's a shitshow of another breed out there: dog owners who will beat a person up for possibly touching their dog, as one woman allegedly had the misfortune of finding out last Tuesday, when officers were dispatched to Belmont Avenue on Capitol Hill in response to an altercation between dog walkers.

The alleged freak out took place at 1:30 p.m., according to the police report, which states that a professional dog walker and her daughter (presumably a child) were serenely walking a client's dog down the street when "her client's dog was approached by an off-leash, black-colored Boxer canine that evidently belonged to the unknown suspect."

The woman reacted as she says any professional would: She attempted to shoo the unwelcome dog away by "squatting down to the dog's level and moving the hand in a horizontal motion toward the dog's neck," according to the report. So, basically, almost hitting the dog without actually hitting it. In fact, the report states that "she insists she did not touch the Boxer while making the hand motion."

Unfortunately for the woman, the Boxer's owner wasn't familiar with her professional technique. The report states that he yelled, "Don't hit my dog!"

And when she tried to explain her professionalism, etc., he "reportedly responded by swinging at her head with a cupped device that is intended to lengthen the throwing distance of tennis balls, commonly used by dog owners playing 'fetch' with canines."

The report explains that his first alleged swing must've missed, because he "reportedly followed up by swinging a second time, this time striking [the woman] on the right side of her forehead, resulting in a visible bump."

The victim's daughter was "visibly upset" by the attack, the woman called 911, and the man "continued walking southeast on Belmont Avenue" with his tennis ball thrower/alleged assault weapon in hand.

The suspect is still at large, ostensibly taking his leashless Boxer to a mani-pedi followed by a sunglasses-fitting. (Confidential to said suspect: You live in a city, dude. Leash your dog.)