When asked about Newt Gingrich's latest fuckup—I lose track of exactly which one—Gingrich spokesman Rick Tyler responded with an e-mail that is a Tolkienesque epic involving conspiratorial, gun-firing sheep, tweet-dust, and a triumphant Gingrich rising again.

"The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding," Tyler wrote in an e-mail. "Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world."

He continued: "The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness.They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment's cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles."

As for Gingrich's role in this drama, Tyler cast him as a fantasy hero straight out of Arthurian legend.

"But surely they had killed him off," he wrote. "This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won't be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces."

I hope this is just a tiny portion of a 550-page epic that Tyler has been working on over the past four years; I would review the fuck out of that book.