So my advice for D.W.T.F.—it was yesterday's SLLOTD—didn't go over so well with Sloggers. That's fine. Sometimes I make mistakes which is why I'll stick to giving advice and let someone else handle binding arbitration. And one of things I like about the SLLOTD is that other folks chime in and the LWs of the world are free leave my advice and take my readers' instead.

That said... a commenter noted a certain "Pina Colada Song" quality to the D.W.T.F.'s predicament—only after his divorce did he discover that his ex-wife was just as kinky as he was—and Slog superstars Canuck, EricaP, and Lance banged out the lyrics for a kink version of the "Pina Colada Song." Sample lyric:

If you like Pina Coladas
And getting spanked with a cane
If you like ball gags and e-stim
and a little bit of pain
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
come to me for a sprain.

Now humorless kinksters—a small but vocal minority—will object to the sprain bit. ("Safe, sane, and consensual BDSM practitioners do not damage skeletal tissues during play, Mr. Savage, as no responsible member of the BDSM community regards a trip to an emergency room as the hallmark of a successfully completed scene.") But kinksters with a sense of humor will be amused. And I think the song, as-written, would make an excellent HUMP! video. Complete lyrics after the jump! Somebody do this!

I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleepin
I read FetLife in bed
And on that social network
There was this letter I read:

If you like Pina Coladas
And getting spanked with a cane
If you like ball gags and e-stim
and a little bit of pain
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
come to me for a sprain.

I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kinda mean
But me and my old lady
Had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I registered with FetLife
Made a whole kinky profile
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't bad at all:

Yes I like Pina Coladas,
and getting spanked with a cane.
I'm not much into ball gags,
but I do like some pain.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow night
and cover you in duct tape,
At a bar called the Eagle,
where you'll dream of escape.

So I waited with strong ropes
And she walked in the place
I tied her up in an instant
And put the hood on her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "mmph, bohhr, mmn!"
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, I never knew

That you liked pina coladas,
And the sweet feel of pain,
The crack of the bullwhip,
And the rattle of chains.
If you like making love at midnight
In latex and a cape,
You're the lady I've looked for,
Cum with me and escape.

If you like Pina Coladas
And getting spanked with a cane
If you like ball gags and e-stim
and a little bit of pain,
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Cum with me and and escape.

Yes I like pina coladas,
And the sweet feel of pain,
The crack of the bullwhip,
And the rattle of chains.
If you like making love at midnight
In latex and a cape,
I've got to meet you by tomorrow night
and cover you in duct tape,
At a bar called the Eagle,
where you'll dream of escape.