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Friday, April 15, 2011

Bieber Fever Fuck YOU, Cody Simpson... and Fuck Your Crunch, Too!!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Apr 15, 2011 at 10:38 AM

Okay, so it's one thing for this Cody Simpson character to try and ride Justin Beiber's butt-hairs to success—BECAUSE IT AIN'T GONNA WORK. You, sir, will NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVERRRRRRR have even a microscopic speck of the success enjoyed by the greatest pop artist this world has ever known, Das Beebs. So just quit trying to win over our hearts via our stomachs with your newest promotional product/breakfast cereal, Cody Crunch.

It comes in four different hippie flavors including "Choco Goji," "Multigrain Flakes" (BLEGGHHH!!), "Healthy Hoops," and "Apple." WHAT? You couldn't think of a better flavor name than "Apple"? How about "Anus-y Apple," or "Ass-Kissing Apple," because that's what you are, Cody! A goddamn no-talent ass-kisser! Apparently it also contains "155 calories and 6 grams of sugar" (BOOOOOO!!! THIS IS GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!), and a whopping 17% of your daily recommendation of fiber. (Actually, that's good news for me. I haven't taken a decent dump since Tuesday.)

This aggression will not stand! If Justin Bieber won't create his own cereal, then we'll have to do it for him! Please suggest a name for a Justin Bieber cereal in the comments, and I'll get those pothead idiots up in our art department to mock up a box for us, because this aggression will not stand! Sorry. Already said that.

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Comments (12) RSS

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Bieber Bits!

Posted by I Love IPA on April 15, 2011 at 10:46 AM

How can you not love packaging that says "sinCEREALly yours"?

Posted by Canuck on April 15, 2011 at 10:51 AM

Bieber Bites.

Posted by care bear on April 15, 2011 at 11:17 AM

Uncomfortable all around -the outfit is too "Hot Tub Time Machine", while the face/hair bears much too close a resemblance to the young Charlie Hunnam's look in the UK Queer as Folk.

No. no. no.

Posted by gloomy gus on April 15, 2011 at 11:21 AM

@4, I don't think you're in the target demographic.

Posted by Fnarf

on April 15, 2011 at 11:25 AM

@5, I wonder if Humpy is either...

Posted by gloomy gus on April 15, 2011 at 11:48 AM

I could never eat this without thinking I was consuming something that was stuck to his shorts....

Posted by crazycatguy on April 15, 2011 at 12:00 PM

"It's Good 4 U"

It looks like he's trying to ride Prince's mustache-hairs to success, via the medium of breakfast cereal.

Posted by Wicked Virgin

on April 15, 2011 at 12:16 PM

@6, that is strictly a private matter between him and his probation officer.

I like "SinCEREALly Yours" but "Artisanal" up there at the top is giving me hives....

Posted by Fnarf

on April 15, 2011 at 2:30 PM