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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Film "I'm going to show you God does exist."

Posted by Paul Constant on Thu, Mar 31, 2011 at 3:03 PM

Screen_shot_2011-03-31_at_12.26.27_PM.png

If you asked me to pick one movie to represent the best of dumb American cinematic excess, I think I'd have to go with Con Air. The premise—Nic Cage is on a plane with the most dangerous convicts in the country, including John Malkovich doing his best Hannibal Lecter impersonation, and the plane gets hijacked—is so over the top, you can practically smell the drugs that made that pitch meeting possible*. It stars absolutely everyone. And the screenplay takes everything at face value, resulting in some of the weirdest lines of dialogue to ever appear in a blockbuster.

Tonight, Central Cinema is hosting a Con Air Quote Along at 8 pm. Choice lines will be displayed on the screen for the audience to read aloud, and they're providing everyone in attendance with a cap gun to fire as they please during the performance. (Remember to save a couple caps for the climactic explosion!) Cinematic purists should stay home; this will be a loud, boozy, distracted and distracting night at the movies, for Cage/Bruckheimer fans only.

* Here's my best elevator pitch: Harrison Ford plays the ex-President of the United States, who has been impeached and found guilty of treasonous crimes he did not commit. En route to prison, he's mistakenly placed on a plane full of the most dangerous criminals in the country—including the evil mastermind (Crispin Glover) who arranged to frame him! When the criminals get loose, can the president stay alive, stop the bad guys from flying the plane into the New York Stock Exchange in a fiendish plot to cripple the U.S. economy, and clear his good name? Find out in...Con Air Force One Two!

Comments (13) RSS

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Put the bunny back in the box.

Posted by Allie on March 31, 2011 at 3:08 PM

*... And then the plan crashes in the outskirts of LA. Some street racer/gangsters recognize enemies among the survivors of the wreckage. Their opponents recognize friends. Factions align. The only way to keep the peace is via a dangerous, illegal street race. President Harrison's Ford vs. Nic Cage's Ghostrider cycle in: Con Air For One Two Fast Too Furious!

Posted by Matt Hickey

on March 31, 2011 at 3:10 PM

Plane not plan.

After the illegal street race, they are sentenced to prison in Seattle, and kept in the Top Secret Tunnel Fortress of Doom that is the real reason Nicolas Cage is in the movie, the one underneath the new Federal Building that has a secret entrance in the Terrible Toll Tunnel.

Nic Cage flames on and becomes the Human Torch, flying out the prisoners thru the tunnel right as Mount Rainier's glaciers superheat and hot boiling mud chokes the ventilation shafts - will they make it to the secret glassworks at the SFM/EMP that contain Red Kryptonite in time to restore President Ford's super powers and laser beam eyes?

As they exit the tunnel, chased by hot boiling mud, and all the people in the tunnel boil to death before being asphyxiated by the scurf of ash on top, they ride on top of the Monorail, which is revealed to actually be a secret space program Space Shuttle in disguise, and escape to the South Pole Antarctic Station where they are med by the beautiful brunette sherrif and ... (continued in part 3, after Seattle: Tunnel Drift)

Posted by Will in Seattle

on March 31, 2011 at 3:38 PM

@3 Will, please break your keyboard into tiny plastic shards and then use those shards to cut yourself with.

Thank you in advance.

Posted by Josh Bomb

on March 31, 2011 at 4:03 PM

I frickin' love Con Air. That and Point Break would make one helluva double feature.

Posted by Levislade

on March 31, 2011 at 4:09 PM

got it, you're off the invite list for the sequel party then.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on March 31, 2011 at 4:09 PM

You forgot the mf'ing snakes...

Posted by Randomfactor on March 31, 2011 at 4:12 PM

We found them. They were in the Zoo the whole time.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on March 31, 2011 at 4:47 PM

Steve Buscemi does Hannibal Lecter, not John Malkovich. Steve Buscemi. Jesus, people. Sometimes I think you spend so much time listening to yourselves talk you can't be bothered to watch the movie.

Malkovich is more of a Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. Something like that.

Posted by The Wretched Harmony on March 31, 2011 at 5:37 PM