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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Panic / Mailbag Breaking News: New Threat Comes to Dan Aykroyd!

Posted by Grant Brissey on Wed, Mar 23, 2011 at 5:50 PM

This just in! Unfortunately, it looks like we're in for five more years of The Sorcery War. Thanks a lot, Obama.

[all sic] New threat comes to Dan Akroyd, from the Skulls and Crossbones sorcery gang out of Yale University: who has reported to being working with Bill Gates of MIcrosoft in these threats of cancers and heart attacks. Reports also teach that Bill Gates and members of their gang, paid Obama 100 million dollars to keep The Sorcery War going until the 2016 presidency for which Bill Gates would like to run for. Dan Akroyd, was threatened do to defending himself from this sorcery gang. This gang, is reported to murdering Micheal Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Cory Haim, Manut Bol, Britney Murphy, Leslie Neilson, Tony Curtis, Patrick Swayze and more using sorcery sickness attacks.

Comments (21) RSS

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Randy? Randy Quaid? Is that you?

Posted by Fnarf

on March 23, 2011 at 5:52 PM

Everyone knows that Bill G is actually a double agent for the Minnesota Twins.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on March 23, 2011 at 5:55 PM

This just in from where? I don't see a link.

Posted by Free Lunch on March 23, 2011 at 5:57 PM

Skulls and Crossbones (not to be confused with Skull and Bones) was the lesser known Yale society pioneered by Keith Richards during a semester abroad program, and which lead to his iconic portrait in Pirates of the Caribbean, which was wrongly assumed to be a result of abject pleading by Johnny Depp. Skulls and Crossbones has never claimed responsibility for the deaths attributed to them, but were believed to have been amongst the paparazzi who convinced Britney to shave her head.

Posted by Canuck on March 23, 2011 at 6:03 PM

corEy haim! except for that missing 'e' this all makes perfect sense.

Posted by mr. herriman on March 23, 2011 at 6:04 PM

For starters, I think he's confusing Yale University with the movie Thrashin'.

Posted by Dougsf on March 23, 2011 at 6:05 PM

<3, @ Canuck.

Posted by emma's bee on March 23, 2011 at 6:06 PM

@ 3. "This just in" from our editor@ mailbox, which is a magnet for the craziest/most boring emails you've ever read. Its abject darkness is occasionally brightened by a note from a sane person. We always appreciate those.

Posted by Brendan Kiley on March 23, 2011 at 6:09 PM

When the Yale Surfing Team took on Skull and Crossbones in a Do Or Die surf match during the Gulf Oil Spill, the result was the literal destruction of the oil platform.

Now THAT was a kegger!

Posted by Will in Seattle

on March 23, 2011 at 6:10 PM

I thought maybe it was an item for the music editor.

Posted by toss in Cdn actors for CanCon guaranteed airplay on March 23, 2011 at 6:15 PM

Donald Trump versus Bill Gates.

Bret?

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on March 23, 2011 at 6:24 PM

That's amazingly painful to read. "for which Bill Gates would like to run for"? "was threatened do to defending himself"? "is reported to murdering"?

And the apparently random use of commas is almost Mudede-ish in its post-neoliberal incomprehensibility.

Posted by also on March 23, 2011 at 6:24 PM