Slog
News & ArtsWednesday, March 2, 2011
Mailbag "Question about Capitol Hill 'Gay Mafia'"
Posted by David Schmader on Wed, Mar 2, 2011 at 10:19 AM
A reader writes (sic throughout):
I am new to Seattle and Cap Hill and am wondering- do you faggots have nicknames for your "Gay Mafia" like the real Mafia does? I mean, is there like a "Timmy the Cocksucker" and Freddie the Pedo-Lester? How about AIDS ASs Bobby or Gaping Rectum Ronny??
Listen to me you fuck- when I talked to my real estate agent abotut my condo, they didn't say nothing about all these faggots up here and I guess you have to "play the game" and you fucks have your own AIDS infected hell holes like that fucking place by te six Arms where all you can smell is cum in the streets. This is a public health Violation! I am already contacting a lawyer and its one thing to be gay, nobofy gives a FUCK what you fucking faggots do in your PRIVACY OF OWN HOME WITH DOORS LOCKED AND WINDOWS DRAWN but in the streets it is againt the LAW! I hapen to know people who will be hearing about this, not including you you fucking dooooooosh bag. Eat sit and die motherfucker, I hope you all get the AIDS!!!!
Anyone who'd care to answer the letter-writer's question about gay mafia monikers or anything else may reach him at ma.pistonejr@gmail.com.
5
Oh, he's got the old org chart. The Gay Mafia got folded into the Gay Agenda, what, two, three restructurings ago? We were all under the orders of the Learned Elders of Zion when I started paying attention, though I guess there's been some talk about merging with the American Sharia Soldiers now. It gets so complicated.
Look, guy, I think I've got the chart here somewhere. Do you want a copy? No promises that it's the most up-to-date thing you've ever seen. You know how we reptiloids are, always chasing the latest fad!
Look, guy, I think I've got the chart here somewhere. Do you want a copy? No promises that it's the most up-to-date thing you've ever seen. You know how we reptiloids are, always chasing the latest fad!
10
I will just say that perhaps "Eat sit and die motherfucker" is the natural successor to "Eats,^H Shoots and Leaves."
11
i totally agree. real estate agesnts have a duty to the people of capitol hill to inform potential buyers that they are moving into a largely gay area. also, TO GIVE THESE FUCKING LUNATICS IQ AND PERSONALITY SCREENING TESTS. eg: Do you think the KKK is a) a bad thing, b) the front line of christian america, c) meeting in your new condo twice a week.
12
Funny but I seem to have missed all the public anal sex every time I walk down by the Six Arms. What block do all you gay mafia do that on? Down by Bauhaus?
13
@4 - Exactly what I was thinking. This just doesn't ring true to the way that somebody would actually think about this subject... My guess is that this is some fan who was trying to get his letter up on the Slog and he was happy to write some fake-hate to get it there.
16
I just emailed him the post to let him know his question has been most thoroughly answered by the good folks of slog. Very convenient link, thanks Stranger!
17
"the streets smell like cum..."
Obviously he has a very attenuated sense of smell. Perhaps God is giving you a sign, Mr. Pistone?
Obviously he has a very attenuated sense of smell. Perhaps God is giving you a sign, Mr. Pistone?
18
in your PRIVACY OF OWN HOME WITH DOORS LOCKED AND WINDOWS DRAWN
Where does one draw the windows? On the wall, or on a big pad of paper? Is this a gay thing?
19
@4 & 13 but the misspellings and caps are sooo batshit crazy typical, not sure it can be faked. Kinda like a trained singer trying to intentionally sing off-key.
20
"Now listen: I want somebody good -- and I mean very good -- to plant that gun. I don't want my brother coming out of that toilet with just his dick in his hands, alright?"
21
and why is it necessary to LOCK THE DOORS? Is this guy going around and trying the doors of his neighborhood gays?
22
@14 FTW
I wouldn't mind that as the scenario for my last day on earth, provided the "eat" included chocolate and/or beer...
I wouldn't mind that as the scenario for my last day on earth, provided the "eat" included chocolate and/or beer...
23
It's almost as if thoughtful, well-spoken homophobes who know how to spell and use complete sentences were in short supply. Why would that be?
25
I also like that ma jr. (my new name for him) "hapen to know people..."
Isn't that the most overused (non)threat in existence?
Isn't that the most overused (non)threat in existence?
26
Hell, even if the email is fake, he's still just a pathetic troll desperate for attention.
Here's what I find interesting- somehow, he knew that Club Z was a gay sex club (I assume that's what he means by "that fucking place by te six Arms") which means that either he read the very interesting Stranger article about it (in which case he knows full well that Capitol Hill is the gay neighborhood) or he's been inside the club himself... and seeing as he's apparently well acquainted with the smell of semen, either way I'd say it's a sure bet he's a closet case.
Here's what I find interesting- somehow, he knew that Club Z was a gay sex club (I assume that's what he means by "that fucking place by te six Arms") which means that either he read the very interesting Stranger article about it (in which case he knows full well that Capitol Hill is the gay neighborhood) or he's been inside the club himself... and seeing as he's apparently well acquainted with the smell of semen, either way I'd say it's a sure bet he's a closet case.
28
@19 There's just a part of me that asks, "Would a person that ignorant and incoherent, both in his views and in his ability to write a coherent email, actually be capable of holding employment that would pay sufficiently to enable him to buy a condo in one of Seattle's most popular and obviously gayest neighborhoods?"
My inclination is to say "no", but that may be wishful thinking on my part.
My inclination is to say "no", but that may be wishful thinking on my part.
30
Good lord, I thought the full moon was several days ago. Where is this cray-cray coming from?
@20: Nice reference! Actually, not a bad idea: Maybe we could get James Caan to come by and could scare the crap out of this punk...
@20: Nice reference! Actually, not a bad idea: Maybe we could get James Caan to come by and could scare the crap out of this punk...
31
Whether he's a genuine bigot or a self-hating closet case, we should all take that email address and use it to sign up for some gay porn newsletters. The kinkier the better.
32
Dear Ma Dot Pissed One Junior: You could move to Tukwila, Carnation or White Center where teh gay is not so much in evidence; but in your case, wherever you go, there you are. Wear a sign so we can ignore you.
33
I emailed him to sympathize with his awful plight: "It must be a terrible temptation for you to be COMPLETELY SURROUNDED by all those terrible faggots doing all those terrible faggot things to each other, those terrible things that you can't stop thinking about for some reason."
34
@28 Good point. I should've considered that. It was kinda fun to think otherwise, though. *sigh*
Maybe the money was inherited? From someone who did just "eat, sit and die motherfucker"?
Maybe the money was inherited? From someone who did just "eat, sit and die motherfucker"?
35
@7 FTW. And that was before I noticed your user name!
Yeah, this guy is either an idiot or someone hacked his email and sent this to start a shit storm. The internet has made me jaded. : (
Yeah, this guy is either an idiot or someone hacked his email and sent this to start a shit storm. The internet has made me jaded. : (
37
As much as I want this to be real it's the last phrase that won't allow me to think so.
I don't think someone on a real rant would say "the AIDS" - most folks who are all worked up and hatey don't use "the" as a humorous adjective.
I don't think someone on a real rant would say "the AIDS" - most folks who are all worked up and hatey don't use "the" as a humorous adjective.
40
Poor guy. Life is hard when you're a straight guy, innit.
Take the gun. Leave the cannoli; it's far too fattening.
Take the gun. Leave the cannoli; it's far too fattening.
43
Dear new condo owner: You should meet the neighbors! Go down to R Place this Saturday and explain in clear terms your feelings. Have fun!
44
This guy is an asshole, but posting his e-mail address is likewise a dick move.
Ask yourself how would everyone feel if Dan started revealing the addresses of all the idiots & assholes asking for his love advice?
Ask yourself how would everyone feel if Dan started revealing the addresses of all the idiots & assholes asking for his love advice?
45
what a silly! of COURSE the gay mafia has a name: We're the Pussy You Faggots. we must invite mr. pistone to the next slog happy and roofie his drink.
46
I have to remember this the next time someone leaves their email open. Send an extremely homophobic email to The Stranger and watch what they do with it.
48
I bet the next time I hear this guy's rancid vitriol will be when he's shouting a potpourri of slurs at a Metro driver when he's thrown off a bus.
49
why even post this david? need something to boost comments? giving people like this publicity is half of the problem.
and if i ever actually heard of a group of gays calling themselves the 'gay mafia' i may just become celibate.
and if i ever actually heard of a group of gays calling themselves the 'gay mafia' i may just become celibate.
51
is....is he hating on my beloved Seattle Eagle? I will kill.
I can't blame the man for not being able to tear his eyes off those Bearracuda posters, but really!
I can't blame the man for not being able to tear his eyes off those Bearracuda posters, but really!
53
Move you pathetic excuse for a lump of skin! Funny how you know what cum smells like? I don't, and I'm a "faggot". Why don't you man up and post a pic of yourself. I'd LOVE to run into you at the safeway. Because you know what I'd say to you? I'd say "are you ready to home and tell your mama you got your ass kicked by a faggot?" The area you want to live in is called Kansas you douche bag!
55
@51: The unspoken reality of bear dances is that there will always be at least a couple closeted married men.
The embarrassing reality is that I've slept with a couple of them when I lived in Portland and it was as unfortunate as it sounds.
The sad reality is this conversation:
Me: "Hold on, let me get a condom."
Him: "Nah, I'm allergic to latex."
Me: "Then there won't be any buttsex..."
Him: "What? I'm negative!"
Me: "You're also married, apparently."
Him: "[Naked Silence] C'mon, man... we're adults here..."
The embarrassing reality is that I've slept with a couple of them when I lived in Portland and it was as unfortunate as it sounds.
The sad reality is this conversation:
Me: "Hold on, let me get a condom."
Him: "Nah, I'm allergic to latex."
Me: "Then there won't be any buttsex..."
Him: "What? I'm negative!"
Me: "You're also married, apparently."
Him: "[Naked Silence] C'mon, man... we're adults here..."
57
Here was my response: "Move you pathetic excuse for a lump of skin! Funny how you know what cum smells like? I don't, and I'm a "faggot". Why don't you man up and post a pic of yourself. I'd LOVE to run into you at the safeway. Because you know what I'd say to you? I'd say "are you ready to home and tell your mama you got your ass kicked by a faggot?" The area you want to live in is called Kansas you douche bag!"
60
Sure he's an asshole and sure he can't spell/type/probably read -- but y'all still haven't answered his question
Inquiring minds want to know
Inquiring minds want to know
61
Come on, obviously his name came up on Gmail, there are too many Pistones on Facebook, help us out!
62
From: REDACTED
To: ma.pistonejr@gmail.com
Subject: Gay Mafia
Message:
Dear Sir:
I am Swishy Tony the Flamer, right-hand man to the Don of the Seattle Gay Mafia. Having read your letter, I'm downright surprised by your disapproval; if the good citizens of Seattle had such a problem with what we do, they wouldn't have let us move in on the blowjob market. We do, however, like your spirit, and I've been authorized to invite you into the big gay Family. Several of our men will be by shortly to induct you into the Gay Mafia by all making love to your butthole at the same time, if you make the wise choice of accepting the Homo Don's generous offer. I strongly encourage you to do so. (And if it takes you a while to get used to having a big throbbing cock up your ass, like you've always wanted, you can always look at one of the butch lesbians across the room and pretend that it's just her shoving a double-ended dildo up your ass, like straight guys like to do.) Also, the pants you were wearing yesterday really enhanced your package. Where do you shop?
Welcome to the Fagmily,
Swishy Tony
To: ma.pistonejr@gmail.com
Subject: Gay Mafia
Message:
Dear Sir:
I am Swishy Tony the Flamer, right-hand man to the Don of the Seattle Gay Mafia. Having read your letter, I'm downright surprised by your disapproval; if the good citizens of Seattle had such a problem with what we do, they wouldn't have let us move in on the blowjob market. We do, however, like your spirit, and I've been authorized to invite you into the big gay Family. Several of our men will be by shortly to induct you into the Gay Mafia by all making love to your butthole at the same time, if you make the wise choice of accepting the Homo Don's generous offer. I strongly encourage you to do so. (And if it takes you a while to get used to having a big throbbing cock up your ass, like you've always wanted, you can always look at one of the butch lesbians across the room and pretend that it's just her shoving a double-ended dildo up your ass, like straight guys like to do.) Also, the pants you were wearing yesterday really enhanced your package. Where do you shop?
Welcome to the Fagmily,
Swishy Tony
63
Oh, to be young, closeted, and new to the big city. How romantic. The array of experiences spread out before him like the Ikea shmorgy-bar. But, alas, he has neither the couth, nor the savvy, nor the courage to partake of the adventure, so instead, he writes a lonely and unamusing email, practically screaming his plea to be welcomed inside. He is shunned.
64
Well, letter writer, attractive bisexual women open to MFM threesomes are so rare that we're called "unicorns" and get My Little Pony-themed mafia names. Hope that helps!
With love from your lady friends at the Gay Mafia,
Rainbow Dash & Twilight Sparkle
With love from your lady friends at the Gay Mafia,
Rainbow Dash & Twilight Sparkle
65
Someone's trying to steal Charlie Sheen's thunder. Don't try to out-Sheen the Sheen. He's an F-18, bro.
66
Dear @7,
I usually avoid reading unregistered posts because they are so often disappointing, but every once in a while, one like yours makes me laugh so hard I start to choke. Thanks for keeping hope alive.
-Lenore
I usually avoid reading unregistered posts because they are so often disappointing, but every once in a while, one like yours makes me laugh so hard I start to choke. Thanks for keeping hope alive.
-Lenore
67
Agreed with @44, posting his email address was dick. Would have been sufficient to post the letter and direct him to the thread mocking him.
And I mean, if I shelled out for a fancy condo and then discovered the neighborhood was full of, like, mormons, I'd be kinda pissed too. I know it's a bad analogy but if the dude's going to be unhappy to have gay neighbors and the gay neighbors are going to be unhappy to have him, then would have been a good idea for the real estate agent to give him the heads up. And it would have been a good idea for him to do some basic research, but oh well.
And I mean, if I shelled out for a fancy condo and then discovered the neighborhood was full of, like, mormons, I'd be kinda pissed too. I know it's a bad analogy but if the dude's going to be unhappy to have gay neighbors and the gay neighbors are going to be unhappy to have him, then would have been a good idea for the real estate agent to give him the heads up. And it would have been a good idea for him to do some basic research, but oh well.
68
@67: Couldn't agree with you less. Live by the screeching hate-speech, die by the screeching hate-speech. IF this douche really has a job and a condo, I hope his employer finds out about this and he is out of both real soon.
70
how in hell do you buy a condo and THEN find out that there are gay people in the neighborhood ?
something in his milk ain't clean.
signed,
fudgy the colored ( i mean negro.. i mean black.. i mean african american ) fudge packer.
something in his milk ain't clean.
signed,
fudgy the colored ( i mean negro.. i mean black.. i mean african american ) fudge packer.
71
I wish I was such a rich asshole that I could buy a condo sight unseen without casing the neighborhood.
73
pistone? Somebody's been watching too much Donnie Brasco. This is obviously a fake, this guy couldn't afford a studio in auburn, much less a condo in federal way. I'm surprised some of y'all are thinking this is real. Fuggetabout it.
75
If he doesn't know much about nor want any proximity to gays, how does he know that there is a gay bathhouse near the Six Arms? Its not like they have a billboard. I didn't even know what that place was for a few years and I'm a faggety fag fag.
76
I was disappointed that the letter wasn't longer. His hateful driveI was righteously entertaining!! I mean, really, "smelling cum in the streets," c'mon! Good stuff!!
77
Being in the Gay Mafia is a lot harder than being in the real Mafia. We actually have to cover up our garlic breath.
79
Why do the homos always assume homophobes are closet homos? Please explain this fascinating self loathing. Thanks.
81
@79: Richard Curtis... Bob Allen... Glenn Murphey Jr.... Roy Ashburn... Edward Schrock... David Drier... Larry Craig... Ted Haggard... George Rekers... are you sensing a pattern here?
84
what a freaken bore. the only monikers that come to my mind are "the people who are better then you" & "the ones whod whoop your arse if you werent so pussy to anonymously post". I usually dont post to trolls but i just happened to be bored. stand by your convictions, if they are truly yours. this striking form the shadows is a total bitch move.
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