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Friday, February 11, 2011

Design / Dinosaurs / Religion Probably Not an Equal Opportunity Employer...

Posted by Goldy on Fri, Feb 11, 2011 at 12:49 PM

Hey all you laid off Microsoft contractors looking for work... have you heard the good news? The Creation Musuem in Petersburg, Kentucky is hiring! Open positions include Constituent Data Administrator, Web Developer—Python, and Senior Database Administrator, the last of which lists the following required technical knowledge and skills:

4+ Years of Experience Administrating SQL Server Databases
SQL Server 2000, 2005, 2008 (installation, configuration, securing, monitoring)
T-SQL creation, analysis, and tuning
Database backup and restore processes
Disaster recovery planning and implementation
Data warehouse design and administration
ETL creation, scheduling, tuning, and Maintaining
A proven firmness in personal walk with Christ and a passion to use technical skills for the glory of God

So if you have the topnotch SQL skills necessary to organize the Creation Museum's incredible collection of lies, myths, and anti-science bullshit—covering all 6,000 years of world history—email them your resume... along with your "Salvation testimony," "Creation belief statement," and "Confirmation of your agreement with the AiG Statement of Faith."

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Comments (24) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

Also, if you write any software, the first version has to be perfect. It's not possible to make changes in successive versions. Iterative improvement is just a theory.

Posted by pox on February 11, 2011 at 12:55 PM

"Use your knowledge of science to help mock knowledge of science!"

Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 11, 2011 at 12:58 PM

It's too bad my life experience is reality-based.

Posted by very bad homo on February 11, 2011 at 12:58 PM

There is a whole "God in the Machine" joke buried in here, but I'll be damned if I am going to dig for it. Of course, if you recited certain types of programming code out loud, it would sound to the uninitiated like you were talking in toungues. That could be fun if you wanted to watch a few fundie head-splosions...

Posted by MirrorMan on February 11, 2011 at 1:07 PM

Heh heh heh. And good call on the DINOSAURS tag.

Posted by rob!

on February 11, 2011 at 1:08 PM

The temptation to write backdoors into such code would be overwhelming...

Posted by BEG

on February 11, 2011 at 1:10 PM

Remember when they were looking for a Geologist? Now that was funny!

Posted by Bean on February 11, 2011 at 1:13 PM

Can't they just pray for their databases? Seems like that would be a cheaper and more effective option.

Also, doesn't the Bible have instructions for that? They're not leveraging their in-house knowledge.

Posted by Blech on February 11, 2011 at 1:21 PM

Yeah, not legal. http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/religion.…

Posted by Westlake, son! on February 11, 2011 at 1:26 PM

No, I think they'll find a lot of good Christianist dbas out there. If survival of the fittest applied to software, would SQL Server still roam the Earth?

Posted by The Wretched Harmony on February 11, 2011 at 1:31 PM

It's entirely legal for a religious organization.

I don't share this organization's beliefs, but it's nice to see an employer standing up for first amendment values like freedom on thought and freedom of association.

Posted by David Wright on February 11, 2011 at 1:49 PM

I wonder if they have an equally restrictive list of best practices:
Every table must be joined with "God".
Now 'M' row should ever be joined with another 'M' row, and once two rows are joined they can never be split.
Every query must end with /*Amen*/;
No indices should be added. Let God optimize your queries.

Posted by kinaidos on February 11, 2011 at 2:13 PM

My mistake @11. At least we cleared up the whole "it's science" argument they're presenting. Discriminate due to religion because the museum is religious not scientific, go it. Spread the word.

Posted by Westlake, son! on February 11, 2011 at 2:19 PM

And when you get in there, sabotage the shit out of their IT!

Posted by Vince on February 11, 2011 at 2:58 PM

Alas, my personal walk with Christ remains ongoing and elusive and uproven and therfore I must graciously decline....

Posted by Jaymz on February 11, 2011 at 2:59 PM

I don't remember any references to SQL in the bible, so therefore it doesn't exist.

Posted by Mike in Olympia on February 11, 2011 at 3:04 PM

When the web site doesn't work right, just remind your manager that God loves infinite loops, stack overflows, and dereferencing null pointers.

Posted by seandr on February 11, 2011 at 3:06 PM

Remember when they, or another christ museum outfit, were looking for a Barista. Almost the same god love required. Just to pour coffee.

Posted by Simone on February 11, 2011 at 5:38 PM

@13: But isn't this fucking museum getting state funding? That should impose some regulations.

Posted by Shini on February 11, 2011 at 7:37 PM

i love it! ...even the hiring mgr is a batshit Christian - big surprise there. Christianity just keeps getting nuttier & even more bizarre, spreading its "good news" to gullible people everywhere.

Posted by blackhook on February 11, 2011 at 7:50 PM

INSERT INTO Gullible_Minds SELECT * FROM Bible

Posted by DJSauvage on February 11, 2011 at 9:38 PM

@19: Well, yeah, but it's KENTUCKY state funding. Entirely different.

Posted by Catherwood on February 11, 2011 at 10:36 PM

Why do they need a database management system? If they truly believe, then all they need do is throw all their data in a cardboard box and let Jeebus organize it.

Posted by Brooklyn Reader on February 12, 2011 at 5:57 AM