by Dan Savage
on Tue, Jan 18, 2011 at 2:27 PM
I'm a 21-year-old female who's been having frequent phone sex with a 35-year old man in another state. He used to be my professor and academic advisor, but we didn't make a habit of getting each other off until I graduated.
This man is married and about to have his first kid. He doesn't seem to be taking enough precautions. He isn't very quiet when he calls me (he's woken his wife before) and he doesn't delete our texts (he says he likes to jerk off to them again later). He's offered to fly me to a rendezvous location where we could play out our fantasies, but when I pointed out the danger of his wife seeing his credit card charges he said, "Well, I'm going to get caught eventually."
How hard should I lecture him about not getting caught? I know the rules for cheating spouses, but what about the people they are involved with? How much does the responsibility of preserving his marriage fall upon me?
Girl On The Side
My response after the jump...
Your ex-prof is a cheating piece of shit, GOTS.
The rules for cheating spouses—the circumstances under which a spouse has a right to cheat (or isn't entirely in the wrong to cheat)—are fairly limited. Cheating is permissible when it amounts to the least worst option, i.e. when someone who made a monogamous commitment isn't getting any at home (sick or disabled or withholding-without-cause spouse) and divorce isn't an option (sick or disabled or withholding-without-cause-spouse-who-can't-be-divorced-for-some-karma-imperilling-reason-or-other) and the sex on the side makes it possible for the cheater to stay married and stay sane. (An exception can be made for a married person with a kink that his or her spouse can't/won't accommodate, so long as the kink can be satisfied safely and discreetly.) Someone who meets the criteria and cheats is merely a cheater (with cause); someone who doesn't and cheats anyway is a cheating piece of shit (CPOS).
Presumably your CPOS ex-prof's pregnant wife isn't sick, disabled, or withholding-without-cause. Your letter is brief and we don't have all the details and blah blah blah qualifier qualifier qualifier. But it sounds like this CPOS wants out of his marriage—perhaps he isn't excited about the idea of having a kid—and doesn't have the courage or decency to end his marriage like a grownup. And having failed to wind his marriage down when it made the most sense—after he realized he wanted out, before his wife got pregnant—this CPOS now seeks to blow his marriage up.
That makes you the bomb, GOTS.
It should go without saying that no decent person—cough, cough—would consent to be used the way this CPOS is using you. I mean, are you a human being, GOTS, and capable of empathy? Or are you two pounds of C-4?
But perhaps I'm to blame: I've never laid out rules for a piece on the side, GOTS, and it's possible that you wouldn't be involved with this CPOS if I had. So file this away for future reference...
THE RULES FOR A PIECE ON THE SIDE
If the married person you wanna fuck meets the cheating-is-permissible criteria (least worst option, sick or disabled or withholding-without-cause spouse, the cheating allows the cheater to stay married and stay sane), fuck away. But if the married person you wanna fuck doesn't meet the criteria and you choose to fuck him or her anyway, then (s)he's a cheating piece of shit and so are you.