Slog

News & Arts

Line Out

Music & the City
at Night

« Williams Inquest Day Two: No Witnes… | Seattle Public Schools Cancels All… »

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Sex / Religion / Books Local Author Writes in the New York Times About Preparing for Losing Her Virginity

Posted by Paul Constant on Tue, Jan 11, 2011 at 12:45 PM

Nicole Hardy is a local poet you should know. (You can read an interview with her over here.) She's funny, she's talented, and she's a great performer of her own work. And last weekend, she had a piece published in the "Modern Love" column of the New York Times.

OF all the places I felt sure I’d never go, Planned Parenthood topped the list. Because, you know, they perform abortions and give condoms to kids, or so I’d been warned. Yet one spring afternoon found me in its waiting room next to a teenage girl, who was clearly perplexed by the intake form and likely bound for an uncomfortable, humiliating four minutes in the back of a borrowed Chevy Chevelle.

But what did I know? I was a 35-year-old virgin, preparing for my own “first time,” which, incidentally, didn’t happen until I was well into 36.

I was not frigid, fearful or socially inept. Not overweight or unattractive. Didn’t suffer from halitosis or social anxiety disorder. I was a practicing Mormon, and Mormons “wait” until marriage...

If, like me, you were distracted this weekend by other sections of the newspaper, you should go back and give Hardy's story a read. It's really good.

Comments (15) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

Why whine and complain about a church no one makes you belong to?
Why not just admit it is not for you and move on?
This lady and the Jewish one whose husband wouldn't give her a divorce- the same story.
If you don't agree with the beliefs get the fuck out.
Free Yourself!
Spare the rest of us the drama, however.....

Posted by ...why are you still here? on January 11, 2011 at 1:06 PM

Interesting read.

Posted by Cory on January 11, 2011 at 1:13 PM

Interesting indeed, though I'd love to hear more. The ending was a little abrupt.

Posted by Arsenic7 on January 11, 2011 at 1:18 PM

I thought that was a lovely, well written article.

@1 - I agree that if one doesn't agree with the teaching's of one's faith, one should "get the fuck out". However, if one is raised in a particular faith and has always felt at home there, one's family and friends and entire community are wrapped around that faith, when one suddenly realizes that in this one area (albeit a very important area) there is disagreement, it can take quite a bit to overcome the conditioning of a lifetime. Give her credit for having done that.

Posted by Hannah in Portland on January 11, 2011 at 1:20 PM

Nicole is a great poet and writer, and her story is unique and compelling, something that requires courage to speak about despite the backlash she may receive from family, church and the Mormon community. She's one to watch locally, someone I'm sure you'll be hearing about for years to come.

Posted by Brian from Hugo House on January 11, 2011 at 1:29 PM

I'm with @3, it did end a little abruptly.

And @1, she is leaving. You have to appreciate how brainwashed and enmeshed some people are. It's not easy to realize that everyone you ever loved and respected totally fucking lied to you.

Posted by dwight moody on January 11, 2011 at 1:31 PM

If she knew that she had "a divine purpose" (presumably to get married and have kids), why did she wait so long to choose between her religion and her beliefs (wanting sex, not wanting kids)? Was it not made clear by the actions of her co-religionists that that was the expectation? How could she not notice that Mormons, while they marry before having sex, then tend go on to have a LOT of kids? It seems like another case of "faith" trumping reason (for 20 odd years). I'm glad she ''saw the light''.

Posted by Cynic Romantic on January 11, 2011 at 1:37 PM

Wonderfully written, honest and brave!
signed: an X-mormon girl

Posted by misskissOfire on January 11, 2011 at 2:17 PM

@7 - cut her some slack. i grew up in an evangelical christian community every bit as crazy and restrictive as the mormon church. as the commenters at 4 and 6 have pointed out, it's mindbogglingly difficult to come to terms with the disconnect between reality and what you've been taught to believe is reality. i've never been able to successfully describe it to someone who hasn't gone through it...take it from us, this woman is brilliant and brave, and the fact that it took her so many years to get to that planned parenthood clinic, well, that's not really the point. so glad she got out, and the story is so well written. thanks for posting, mr. constant.

Posted by AmyC on January 11, 2011 at 2:29 PM

It's fascinating how many of the NYT commenters want to control her narrative or discredit her feelings. A lot of people trying keep their house of cards belief system aloft.

Posted by smade on January 11, 2011 at 2:46 PM

She hasn't "seen the light" just yet - she still believes in god.

She's moved from being bound in a cave watching the shadows flicker on the wall to being free in the cave watching the shadows flicker on the wall. The real world is still outside the cave.

But her progression is hopeful.

Posted by Urgutha Forka on January 11, 2011 at 2:47 PM

6

Lied' and 'Brainwashed' about what?

Mormons believe in abstinence and monogamy.
So does the CDC....

Mormons believe in having kids.
Is that Evil or Superstitious?
"I’m just unwilling to believe that’s what God wants for anyone"
Leave god out of it.
If people decide to quit having kids social security is going bust a lot sooner than we thought...

She didn't want to live her life that way.
More power to her.
All she had/had to do is live her life.

The only thing she is 'escaping' from is her own wishywashy lack of personal convictions.

Posted by nothing to see here, people- move along.... on January 11, 2011 at 3:26 PM

i'm sure there are many men in seattle who will help her see god. even many jack mormons.

Posted by Max Solomon on January 11, 2011 at 7:54 PM

I'm glad she's getting an IUD....I just wish she'd mentioned condoms.....or STDs......

Posted by attitude devant on January 11, 2011 at 8:05 PM

@9 - I'm not criticising her, that wouldn't be fair unless I had lived her life and made better choices in her circumstances, and I can't claim to have done that. Moreover, I am not living with the consequences of her decisions. She might as well have been a nun for the last 20 years, by the sound of it.
But I am curious about that disconnect between faith and reason. Why DO people wilfully keep doing things under the auspices of faith, that do not accord with the stated aims of that faith? Why do they seek happiness in faiths whose doctrines directly oppose their own ideals of happiness?
Maybe I'm asking too many questions, or asking the wrong people, but you know what? That exact behaviour is what got me kicked out of Christian churches when i was 15... (I always was a stubborn bastard; maybe that is part of the answer)

Posted by Cynic Romantic on January 12, 2011 at 9:16 AM