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Monday, December 27, 2010

Officewatch 2010™ Officewatch 2010: The Crow's Nest Infiltrated

Posted by Grant Brissey on Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 4:46 PM

After gaining entrance to the Keck's office last night, then thinking better of exploring the crow's nest in the dark, I downed seven Alprazolam and still slept an uneasy sleep in the web office. After posting this morning's news, I downed some more sedatives and finished off Anthony's Jameson 12 Year before heading to Tim's office. Upon opening the door, I heard some scuffling and grunting from the crow's nest and then, after a minute, silence. I waited for a few minutes, pulled the last drink of whiskey from the bottle, and climbed the rickety spiral staircase up into the crow's nest. At the top of the window was a most baffling scene, but the first thing I noticed was a window open just enough for someone to climb in and out of it.

An inventory, with pictures, after the jump:

This doll, apparently "the leader."

Danzig riding cow detail. Angel with horns detail.

The open window:

Shotgun and bullet shell casings strewn about the floor:

Tim Keck's "workstation" [note absence of power supply, hard drive, and mouse]:

One manila envelope with "DRUNKS NEED SHIRTS" written on it [filled with receipts from Value Village]:

Troublesome painting:

One vanity mirror, electric razor debris stuck to the reflecting side:

Stack of three books:

Stockpile of Hennessy Very Special Cognac. Half of the bottles exactly half empty:

Heavily used copy of Dianetics filled with Post-It notes that say things like "INCISIVE!!!" and "TRY IN 2011":

Coupons dating back to 2003, mostly for meat products:

One phone, also not plugged into anything. Speed dial buttons for "Putin," "Saddam [crossed out]," "DAN!!!," and "Herfy's." (See detail)

A cemetery plat:

Three phonograph records: Tammy Fay Baker's Don't Give Up, a collection of JFK speeches, and How to Communicate Your Ideas:

Four cans of Rize, one open. [When I picked it up and shook the can lightly, I could hear the carbonation still fizzling.]:

One copy of Teen Witch: Wicca for a New Generation:

Worrisome writing on the wall:

Boarded windows:

Escape route:

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Toy Story 4

Posted by cmountain on December 27, 2010 at 4:52 PM

It's all so bright.

Posted by gloomy gus on December 27, 2010 at 4:52 PM

It looks awfully drafty to me.

What's in the liquor bag?

Posted by Fnarf

on December 27, 2010 at 5:05 PM

I suspect the beast lurking Keck's office is none other than altered states Brissey.

Posted by samktg on December 27, 2010 at 5:06 PM

@ Fnarf: A bottle of wine, a bottle of champagne, and two bottles of Heineken.

Posted by Grant Brissey, Emeritus

on December 27, 2010 at 5:07 PM

it's like a poor sequel to Fight Club...

Posted by Beetlecat on December 27, 2010 at 5:24 PM

@5, drink the Champagne first, the wine second, and leave the beer alone. Follow these instructions exactly or YOU WILL BE SORRY.

Posted by Fnarf

on December 27, 2010 at 5:33 PM

Had an involuntary flashback to the early PC "game" Myst, examining the detris to determine the story....

Posted by Jaymz on December 27, 2010 at 5:35 PM

Clearly, a burnt offering needs to be made. Here's what I would do: Make an altar out of a stack of WeVibe boxes. Cover with a bed of Corona labels, hot sauce, and some sequins. Place a Malibu Barbie on top, taking care to first remove all but a few millimetres of her hair. Bathe her in Jagermeister and ignite. Say 5 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers. Put out the fire with grape Kool Aid. Sorry if that doesn't help...it usually works in Canada.

Posted by Canuck on December 27, 2010 at 5:36 PM

Grant, do the opposite of what Fnarf says.

Posted by Baconcat on December 27, 2010 at 5:45 PM

@ Baconcat I agree. Grant grab the bag of drinks and run, those dolls are creepy.

Posted by flippingthroughrecords on December 27, 2010 at 5:48 PM

What's written on the whiteboard?

Posted by Lince on December 27, 2010 at 5:58 PM

For God's sake, Grant, don't listen to Baconcat! He's trying to hurt you. HE'S ONE OF THEM. Only I have your best interests at heart.

Posted by Fnarf

on December 27, 2010 at 6:06 PM

Is Grant's alter-ego the incredible sulk? Was this already covered when I wasn't paying attention?

The leader doll is so fucked up. Lock it in a box, for everyone's sake.

Lastly, there's an Apple monitor adapter on the table by the computer. Whoever has been lurking upstairs has (is?!) a recent-vintage Apple laptop with mini-DisplayPort.

Posted by RL is too lazy to log in on December 27, 2010 at 6:09 PM

Grant, don't listen to either of them, drink any of that and you will awake from an alcohol and benzo induced fugue, with doll parts all around you.

Posted by samktg on December 27, 2010 at 6:22 PM

I'm glad this is finally starting to make sense...

Posted by Cynic Romantic on December 27, 2010 at 7:02 PM

Fnarf has ill intent, Grant. Ill intent.

Posted by Baconcat on December 27, 2010 at 7:48 PM

The Crow's Nest is a death trap. And "the leader" has only survived this long because it knows too much. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Posted by despicable me on December 27, 2010 at 7:53 PM

@8 - Awesome...

Grant, make a doll from the hairs of the dolls and make sure to sprinkle the cuttings from the mirror onto the hairdoll. this talisman may be the only protection you have. IF YOU DON'T make this then baconcat and Fnarf WILL BOTH BE RIGHT.

It is like dividing by zero, the center cannot hold. Good luck, brave warrior, good luck.

Posted by wisepunk on December 27, 2010 at 8:00 PM

What are those odd round things visible in front of the slatted window in the first picture? Hanging lamps?

Posted by Dr_Awesome on December 27, 2010 at 8:08 PM

Grant! Do not listen to Baconcat, do not listen to Fnarf, they are in league together to do you ill.

Posted by samktg on December 27, 2010 at 8:29 PM

Anyone that would actually say "do not listen to Baconcat" is completely untrustworthy.

Posted by Baconcat on December 27, 2010 at 8:48 PM

If you weren't guilty of conspiracy, there would be no need to impugn my trustworthiness, let the truth be your shield.

Posted by samktg on December 27, 2010 at 9:16 PM

It'th a conthpirathy!

Posted by gloomy gus on December 27, 2010 at 9:21 PM

Doyle.

Posted by paulus on December 27, 2010 at 11:07 PM

Grant, let's calm down, smoke a J, take a couple of these klonopin I have sitting around, and see if we can make sense out of all this crazy stuff.

Posted by seandr on December 27, 2010 at 11:35 PM

Do not drink the champagne. Never. Ever.

I'd go for wine first and then beer. Reversing them is okay. But do not combine champagne with anything.

Posted by gnossos on December 28, 2010 at 12:17 AM

Double Confirmed: Doyle riding cow

Posted by Ron Bennington on December 28, 2010 at 8:28 AM

this is all so brilliantly weird. much more entertaining than last years Officewatch™

Posted by thunderchaps on December 28, 2010 at 2:58 PM

@27 - As the old saying goes...

Beer before Wine, every things fine
Wine before Beer, the end is near.

Use the above for future reference on when to drink what.

Just saying...

Posted by Frau Blucher on December 29, 2010 at 8:09 AM