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News & ArtsThursday, November 18, 2010
Religion 7-Year-old Colton Burpo Proves There's a Heaven, Guys!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Nov 18, 2010 at 3:43 PM
Athiests of the world, prepare to suck a big tub of hippo dick—because 11-year-old Colton Burpo... excuse me for just a moment.
Ahem. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! HAW!!!
I'm back. 11-year-old Colton Burpo went on Fox & Friends to reveal to the world that he visited heaven when he was four-years-old and being operated on for an appendectomy, and now? He and his douchebag dad are writing a book about it. Please, please, please watch this if for no other reason than to hear the wondrously flat Colton Burpo describe how "heaven is like, huge, or whatever, I dunno, can I have a Milky Way bar? No? Whatever. I don't give a shit."
There you go, Athiests! Proof positive that there is a God, and he could smash you like a grape! ON YOUR NON-BELIEVING KNEES, ATHIESTS!! ON YOUR NON-BELIEVING KNEES!!
2
Hey, it's just another way to "honor thy father and mother" - you know, with, like, financial remuneration for bringing you into the world in the first place.
8
That video is pretty hi-larious.
But in the interest of fairness....
"Atheism: The religion devoted to one's own sense of smug superiority." - Stephen Colbert
But in the interest of fairness....
"Atheism: The religion devoted to one's own sense of smug superiority." - Stephen Colbert
9
Wait - I thought that no one enters heaven until the second coming of Christ, at which point he judges the living and the dead. If there is a heaven, it's empty now, right?
10
Maybe there is a heaven. Maybe there isn't. Sooner or later, we're all gonna find out for ourselves.
12
This makes me pretty upset that they ARE NOT letting old people in heaven. Not that I actually think I'll wind up there someday or anything. Sheesh, there goes your book sales to q-tips Burpo.
14
@10- not really. If there's no heaven or afterlife we'll never know because we'll be dead and gone.
15
Har, har. We can obviously point and laugh at this minor and his classless, opportunistic parents...but this is really low-hanging fruit.
19
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is [OLD] to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is [OLD] to enter the kingdom of God." - Matthew 19:23-24
22
Also it's nice to know that God's got the whole world in his hands. I don't see how a child could come up with that description unless he'd really been to heaven.
24
See, when those commie-fascist liberals complain about not getting health care, the smugly superior Fox News can tell them that they have to wait until the Lord takes them to heaven to get healed. If that doesn't work, well, it's because they're evil & deserve to be sick.
Kinda like throwing suspected witches in water to see if the water accepts them. Some things never change.
Kinda like throwing suspected witches in water to see if the water accepts them. Some things never change.
29
@10 "Maybe there is a heaven. Maybe there isn't. Sooner or later, we're all gonna find out for ourselves."
Actually if the answer for what happens after death is "oblivion" we will be oblivious to the answer.
And that's really the most likely outcome.
Actually if the answer for what happens after death is "oblivion" we will be oblivious to the answer.
And that's really the most likely outcome.
30
No, kid, there is no God. At least, if there is a God, he sure as hell doesn't love you. Because if he did, he never would have let you enter the world with a name like "Colton Burpo."
33
Annie Dearest, you bet your sweet bippie there's a God. Your mistake is in thinking that he gives a shit.
35
Congratulations, Gretchen Carlson, you've now attained the same level of journalistic integrity and respect as those sanctimonious dicks on The 700 Club.
36
I can hardly wait until Colton becomes a teenager! He looks like a potential hell-raiser to me...
37
This is brilliant. And getting fox to flog it for a huge national audience of the desperate and easily fooled was a great idea. They are gonna make serious bank!
The kid isn't charismatic enough, though. They really should have found an actor to play him.
The kid isn't charismatic enough, though. They really should have found an actor to play him.
39
This story is idiotic, it's true, but I wanted to comment to point out that for the last decade, Hump, you have not been able to even once write anything that was in the least way amusing, let alone "comedic". The very fact that you are held up by The Stranger as a writer charged with the task of being funny is a black mark against the paper in general. If The Stranger insists that you are funny, if makes a reader wonder what else they might be lying about.
40
@ 39
I disagree. I think Humpy only stopped being funny 2 or 3 years ago.
I think they're grooming his replacement in the douche who does the indie cool line drawings and writes about is precious mundane experience on lineout.
I disagree. I think Humpy only stopped being funny 2 or 3 years ago.
I think they're grooming his replacement in the douche who does the indie cool line drawings and writes about is precious mundane experience on lineout.
41
He couldn't write the book without his dad's help, if he wasn't already just writing the whole damn thing himself. Likely to still contain more facts than Palin's book.
42
You know why are all skeptical,because you are all scared that heaven exist.sort out your lives or you'll all face hell.
The boy is right,just like in NOAH's time.
Heaven is real so is hell.repent or you'll all die with your sinfull nature,take advantage of the moment of grace God has given us.
The boy is right,just like in NOAH's time.
Heaven is real so is hell.repent or you'll all die with your sinfull nature,take advantage of the moment of grace God has given us.
43
"Throat shover" Christianity, is there any other type available these days?
lol, what ludicrous nonsense. I guess this should make neurotic true believers all happy and now they will rebuke your disbelief in the name of Burpo!
That's awesome and I can't stop laughing at this ass hattery of the highest caliber!
lol, what ludicrous nonsense. I guess this should make neurotic true believers all happy and now they will rebuke your disbelief in the name of Burpo!
That's awesome and I can't stop laughing at this ass hattery of the highest caliber!
45
wow you all are so sick. i pray that at least one of you tries to view things a little differently. Not just that, but the way you word things on here makes you look like classless pigs. Grow up a little. What i don't understand is how it could hurt to pray. because it couldn't and it won't. maybe you should just try it. what harm could it do? please. its such a shame because God loves us all so much.
46
I'm so astonished by all these comments. You want to be heard but diss this boy for wanting to be heard. No one said you have to agree with it. But really, you all talk about Christianity. Shame on all of you for being so short sighted. Did your parents never tell you "if you don't have anything good to say then say nothing at all". And saying the father is going to financially rape the kid... You've found him guilty of something he hasn't even done. And we wonder why our justice system doesn't work well. With all the attitudes on this blog, I think it's more nessasary for everyone to turn the mirror on themselves and not this boy and his story. No matter what his reasoning for doing it is. Time to be accountable for what we say not anyone else.
47
I can't believe people can be so gullible and ignorant. This is such a transparent bunch of baloney that it's comical. People rising from the dead, someone building a large boat and filling it with animals, parting the sea, walking on water! These are fairytales, people! They were made up at a time when humans did not understand the world around them. Science and evolution have disproven all of this and they did it with real evidence not magic, superstition, or any other childish silliness! The bible is so full of contradictions that it's laughable. And I find it sad and disturbing that the parents of this young man are exploiting him for financial gain, which is exactly what they are doing. I'm sure they have coached him. He was under the effects of anesthesia and had vivid dreams. Absolutely nothing unusual about that.
48
You unbelievers had better start believing. Jesus says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
49
"Science and evolution have disproven all of this"
Life originating from primordial ooze doesn't sound like a fairy tale to you? Our ancestors being apes? Have we honestly found even one real "missing link"? I personally don't see how a world with such beautiful things, even immaterial things such as love, could come from nothing. Sometimes the truth is hard to believe and may even seem strange, but that doesn't make it false- you have to accept this if you believe in evolution too. It's easier to criticize than make a claim. While this boy's "vision" may not be true to you give the kid a break and show some respect.
To clarify an above comment, it's not that they boy thinks that old people can't get into heaven, its that they apparently look more youthful in heaven (according to the book). Heaven is for ANYONE who accepts the Lord's free gift of grace. Regardless of how ridiculous or ignorant you think Christians are (and that may be true of many), Christ believes in you and one day you WILL die and have to stand before Him and give an account. Don't reject His love just because it's hard to believe.
Life originating from primordial ooze doesn't sound like a fairy tale to you? Our ancestors being apes? Have we honestly found even one real "missing link"? I personally don't see how a world with such beautiful things, even immaterial things such as love, could come from nothing. Sometimes the truth is hard to believe and may even seem strange, but that doesn't make it false- you have to accept this if you believe in evolution too. It's easier to criticize than make a claim. While this boy's "vision" may not be true to you give the kid a break and show some respect.
To clarify an above comment, it's not that they boy thinks that old people can't get into heaven, its that they apparently look more youthful in heaven (according to the book). Heaven is for ANYONE who accepts the Lord's free gift of grace. Regardless of how ridiculous or ignorant you think Christians are (and that may be true of many), Christ believes in you and one day you WILL die and have to stand before Him and give an account. Don't reject His love just because it's hard to believe.
50
people are stupid sometimes... the kid came back from death when he was 4 years old! his mom and dad's influence had little or nothing to do with what he said WAY back when he was 4 years old!!!! read the book, and do not judge a CHILD who gave what he saw as testimony when he was a baby (4). He believed everything that he saw back then and knew it to be true without hesitation. it would be sad if the parents are only trying to make money from it... BUUTTTTT honestly, you think a FOUR year old is making such serious detail up? keep saying he is reading from a cue card? WELL NO SHIT DUMBASS!! lol they are asking him 4 to 5 years after the incident happened!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO ALL ATHEISTS (dont know how it's spelled) QUIT LYING!!! YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING!!! YOU HAVE TO, BC THERE IS NOT ANY PROOF TO BELIVE IN NOTHING!!! (AND YOU NEED PROOF)
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