Slog
News & ArtsThursday, October 28, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Butt Secks!
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 3:28 PM
My husband and I have been together for 18 years—exactly half our lives—and we started dating at 17 in high school. Always had a good sex life that has gotten better and better as time goes on and recently we started w/more ass play and I LOVE IT. We had tried anal in the past and it just hurt so we kinda stepped away from it for a while but recently tried again.I'm writing to tell you that IT WAS AWESOME. Like mind-blowingly-incredible, left-my-body-tiingling-from-head-to-toe amazing. You probably don't care, Dan, but I want to tell someone because I never knew it could be so good. When you hear about straight anal sex it's always horror stories—pain, no pleasure, etc.—but I want to shout it from the mountain tops: GIVE IT A TRY, GIRLS! My husband is very GGG and spent a lot of time, um, warming me up—LOL—before we tried, which I also recommend, girls!
So, Dan, if you have the time to post such a bland and boring letter, please do so the ladies will know that anal doesn't have to hurt and in fact can bring IMMENSE pleasure if done properly.
O! Almost left off the best part: this has totally rekindled our sexual energy. We have a glow and can't keep our hands off each other! Not bad for 18 years and counting!
Makes Me Wanna Shout
My response after the jump...
••••••••••••••••••
Thanks for sharing, MMWS, and your letter isn't nearly as dull as you think it is. And I'm happy to run it if only to give the lie to William Saletan's recent—and idiotic—observations about hetero anal sex.
A recently released study of sex in Americans found that lots and lots of straight people are having lots and lots of anal sex. Saletan wondered how that could be—why would straight women consent to anal sex?
Is it brutality? Coercion? A porn-inspired male fantasy at women's expense?
Sigh.
After noticing that women who had anal sex the last time they fucked around were more likely to report having had an orgasm (94%) than women who had vaginal (65%) or oral (81%), Saletan concludes...
Only 6 percent of women who had anal sex in their last encounter did so in isolation. Eighty-six percent also had vaginal sex. Seventy-two percent also received oral sex. Thirty-one percent also had partnered masturbation. And the more sex acts a woman engaged in during the encounter, the more likely she was to report orgasm. These other activities are what gave the women their orgasms. The anal sex just came along for the ride.So why did the inclusion of anal sex bump the orgasm figure up to 94 percent? It didn't. The causality runs the other way. Women who were getting what they wanted were more likely to indulge their partners' wishes. It wasn't the anal sex that caused the orgasms. It was the orgasms that caused the anal sex.
So... it's not rape, rape, or porn, says Saletan, but straight women aren't having anal sex because they like it. No, no: the straight women studied reward their male partners with anal sex—which straight women don't and can't enjoy—only after their male partners came through with the oral and vaginal sex that "caused the orgasms" they reported having. And that makes... no sense at all. If oral and vaginal cause female orgasms, then why were women who only had oral or vaginal intercourse less likely to report having had an orgasm than women who had anal and everything else?
Here's why: women who have anal sex tend to be more sexually adventurous, more in touch with their bodies, and are obviously less inhibited than women who don't engage in anal intercourse. Some may be indulging their partners because they're GGG, but just as many or more—like MMWS here—are having anal sex because they like it, because it turns them on, because it gets them off.
1
To be fair, Dan- He *does* make your point in the (very confusing) article. But agree that most of it's strange BS. He's catering to a primarily straight audience, tho.
4
Yikes, and drat. Cannot believe I've lived to my current age and haven't been able to get this anal secks thing to work. Maybe it's because every man who tried it with me is completely clueless and just tries to shove his dick in there. Oh sure, slowly. Like that makes a difference. NOT! Clearly instructional manuals and videos need to be presented to everyone at puberty. Because word of mouth is not working on the anal secks education front! Wah!
6
She's uninterested in anal sex until she hits her sexual peak and then suddenly she's all for it.
Shocking.
ZZZZZzzzzzzz.......
I was actually expecting another Sex at Dawn plug, as this letter seemed to be shouting for it. Oh well. Meh.
Shocking.
ZZZZZzzzzzzz.......
I was actually expecting another Sex at Dawn plug, as this letter seemed to be shouting for it. Oh well. Meh.
9
In Saletan's defense, he followed up that article with one that made the very same points that you do, Dan.
http://www.slate.com/id/2270622/
http://www.slate.com/id/2270622/
10
There's no understanding of causality to be gleaned from data like that. Only correlation. The quotes from Saletan are hilarious because of that....he's arguing a point that can't even be made well in the opposite direction. Dan's conclusion is pretty much the only sensible one.
11
Those straight-sex horror stories freak me out too much. But I might reconsider if HE goes first. Men have the prostates, after all.
12
@4 - Tam, you're in the Bay Area (assuming SF Bay, not Tampa or of Pigs) and you can't find a competent partner for anal? Good Vibrations on Valencia offers classes, for heaven's sake. Get out there, redouble your efforts, and take advantage of the collective knowledge in one of the most secks-positive cities in the US.
13
I work at an adult store, and am always trynig to give pointers to many straight couples coming in who want to venture forth in to the wonderful world of anal. I myself was a pretty staunch anti-anal person before I started said job, and now I'm shooting advice left & right, to straight, gay, bi & queer people at least 3-5 times a day/ It's so refreshing to see & hear.
Plus. it's awesome to see so many straight couples coming in with questions about Pegging (of which, there are many)!
Plus. it's awesome to see so many straight couples coming in with questions about Pegging (of which, there are many)!
14
Listen daily sloggers and constant dan commenters, Dan has to have a readership beyond you and sometimes that means encouraging the large segment of the population who has yet to master getting off by sticking forks up their noses, to be GGG and respect & love sex beyond miesionary.
Love you!
Love you!
15
A female friend of mine makes it her policy to require her male partner to receive anal sex before she does. Dual purpose: it fends off the douchebags who wouldn't do it well and just want it for kicks, and for the ones who agree, they go into it much more aware of how to do it pleasurably and considerately.
16
@15
Sounds like a reasonable plan to me.
Though I should probably have a vaginal and/or clitoral orgasm with another person before trying anal sex with another person. >>
Sounds like a reasonable plan to me.
Though I should probably have a vaginal and/or clitoral orgasm with another person before trying anal sex with another person. >>
17
Bay Area Tam: Husband & I tried for ~12 months before figuring it out. I actually BLED after one attempt and assumed it was just never going to happen. What worked for me was reading The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino-- there were a couple of tips in there that finally made the difference (e.g. try different types of lube-- KY was USELESS for me-- always put the lube on the thing being inserted, always always ALWAYS use toys before trying to insert a penis in there).
My reward for this persistence has been MIND BLOWING ORGASMS. Oh my god.
My reward for this persistence has been MIND BLOWING ORGASMS. Oh my god.
18
I dunno, I'm a straight woman who has tried anal sex multiple times and it's pretty painful, even when he's not that big and we use lube. I'm starting to think there's some sort of trick to it, but I feel awkward asking my gay friends for tips because I have no idea if they're tops or bottoms, and I generally feel sex should be private and I don't talk about it much.
19
Since I'm not really into butt secks either way (giving or receiving), I at first kinda agreed with Saletan. I mean, from what I've been told, anal sex makes more sense for men to receive because at least there's the prostate there to make it worthwhile (as for giving it, well there's the pervy factor plus tightness, etc.). But why do women enjoy anal sex? I'm no moralist who insists on sex roles, so if some ladies say they're getting cosmic-awesome orgasms from anal sex, I say more power to them. But what's the anatomical reason for that? Is it just psychological (the pervy factor for women)? Do they also get their clits stimulated that way? Does someone have a good answer?
20
"bland and boring letter" --hardly!
Yay for GGG partners going slow, and other GGG partners wanting it in the booty! I hope she returns the favor to her lovey hubby... ;>)
Yay for GGG partners going slow, and other GGG partners wanting it in the booty! I hope she returns the favor to her lovey hubby... ;>)
21
I know this is just anecdata, but, in my personal experience, the more incompetent a guy is in bed in general, the more gung ho he is to try anal. Just the more reason not to suffer sex with incompetents.
23
ok, ok, ok. as a person who like, defended the questioning of porn back during the "slog porn wars", i want to say that saying that chicks are having anal sex only at their expense to satisfy their dudes' porny desires is mega whack. paternalistically condescending much?
though i do think it's intriguing that he has such a strong connection between porn and anal. maybe that's the only place he gets to experience it? maybe the porny representation of anal sex as punishing to a woman sank in? fantasy, yes, but like unto advertising, weasels its way in there.
anyway, i think he needs to think about his feelings about straight anal sex way more than he needs to try to figure out why women are like, "allowing" anal sex to happen to them (blech, the gilded cage-y ness of it all).
though i do think it's intriguing that he has such a strong connection between porn and anal. maybe that's the only place he gets to experience it? maybe the porny representation of anal sex as punishing to a woman sank in? fantasy, yes, but like unto advertising, weasels its way in there.
anyway, i think he needs to think about his feelings about straight anal sex way more than he needs to try to figure out why women are like, "allowing" anal sex to happen to them (blech, the gilded cage-y ness of it all).
24
@ankylosaur if you're a woman receiving anal sex in missionary position (or any other position facing the man), you get to rub your clit and your vulva against your partner's pubic bone. plus the intensity of the sensations just make everything extra sensitive. i've definitely come from anal alone.
26
You know how many women have orgasms the same day they visited the toilet? 100%! It's pissing and shitting that gives the orgasms, the sex is just along for the ride!
27
wooooooo! put it on a billboard!
anal is great because its dirty. its psychological. once you get past the feeling your taking a shit and let yourself feel nasty thats when it heats up. worried about being clean? get one of those little enema bottles sold in drugstores. intimidated? explore slowly.
its not for everybody maybe, but its one of those physchosexual things that fucking make sex better than just sex.
just because men have prostates is not the right comparison. its not just about a sensation, its about having your fucking mind blown up your ass.
i wonder how many other men are the same way, but i can not date a girl that is not into anal, or willing to work on it.
anal is great because its dirty. its psychological. once you get past the feeling your taking a shit and let yourself feel nasty thats when it heats up. worried about being clean? get one of those little enema bottles sold in drugstores. intimidated? explore slowly.
its not for everybody maybe, but its one of those physchosexual things that fucking make sex better than just sex.
just because men have prostates is not the right comparison. its not just about a sensation, its about having your fucking mind blown up your ass.
i wonder how many other men are the same way, but i can not date a girl that is not into anal, or willing to work on it.
29
@27
Yeah, see, the whole "it's dirty" thing isn't a turn on for me. There has to be SOME physical reaction, or else people would come from rubbing elbows if it was considered dirty enough.
Yeah, see, the whole "it's dirty" thing isn't a turn on for me. There has to be SOME physical reaction, or else people would come from rubbing elbows if it was considered dirty enough.
31
Actually, for some of us women, it IS about the sensation. For me it feels good. Very very good. The "dirty" part doesn't do a thing for me.
But, the key is in the last sentence of the second paragraph - lots of time warming up. Also, lots of lube. Anal without a warm up is painful for me and probably for others too. Anal after a thorough warm up is wonderful.
So guys, if you go slow and give the woman a nice long warm up first, you might get more anal. Start with caresses, progress to fingers, then to a well lubed dildo. Then try fucking if she's ready for it, but start slow and be willing to slow down again if need be.
I didn't do it "for my man". I was the one that talked him into it.
But, the key is in the last sentence of the second paragraph - lots of time warming up. Also, lots of lube. Anal without a warm up is painful for me and probably for others too. Anal after a thorough warm up is wonderful.
So guys, if you go slow and give the woman a nice long warm up first, you might get more anal. Start with caresses, progress to fingers, then to a well lubed dildo. Then try fucking if she's ready for it, but start slow and be willing to slow down again if need be.
I didn't do it "for my man". I was the one that talked him into it.
33
Most women need clitoral stimulation during either anal or vaginal intercourse in order to cum. I didn't like anal sex at first either, because your average straight guy is clueless about how to do it right. Mr. average straight guy asshole thinks that all you have to do is take it from front to back like they do in porn and he has no idea what lube is. The first time I tried it , or I should say "it" was tried on me, was very painful.
I've had bad and good anal, just like I've had bad and good vaginal sex. Anal can be very intense and I definitely don't want it every time I have sex. But it does add something to the menu that can be very pleasurable for both partners. I've even tried some solo anal play that was rather naughty and fun, too.
Good anal involves plenty of lube, lots of foreplay, and a patient partner. You have to take it slowly at first or it's going to be uncomfortable. Also, he has to let you take control and decide how fast to take it. I wasn't at all interested in it until my boyfriend at the time used a finger while he was going down on me and made me cum harder than I had ever come before. An anal toy might work also.
Good luck ;)
I've had bad and good anal, just like I've had bad and good vaginal sex. Anal can be very intense and I definitely don't want it every time I have sex. But it does add something to the menu that can be very pleasurable for both partners. I've even tried some solo anal play that was rather naughty and fun, too.
Good anal involves plenty of lube, lots of foreplay, and a patient partner. You have to take it slowly at first or it's going to be uncomfortable. Also, he has to let you take control and decide how fast to take it. I wasn't at all interested in it until my boyfriend at the time used a finger while he was going down on me and made me cum harder than I had ever come before. An anal toy might work also.
Good luck ;)
34
@19 But what's the anatomical reason for that? Is it just psychological (the pervy factor for women)? Do they also get their clits stimulated that way? Does someone have a good answer?
Well, for starters, there are a ton of nerves around the rectum and anus that are really sensitive to pressure--more there than there are in most of the vaginal wall, actually. Which is exactly why if you do it wrong, it hurts!
And then depending on the position you're in, you can change what's getting pressed on. From behind, I find that my cervix actually gets quite a bit of contact (and yeah, maybe I'm weird here--I've heard other women say that it's painful when their partner hits the cervix). Usually my man will have his hand around front playing with my clit or labia too. Face to face, as mentioned by 24, provides rubbing of the clit against him.
And psychological factors play in too, as in all sex. It can be a big trust thing, because of the potential for pain. Or a power thing for a dom/sub interaction. Or a dirty/taboo thing. Or all of the above, or something entirely different, depending on the individuals involved.
Well, for starters, there are a ton of nerves around the rectum and anus that are really sensitive to pressure--more there than there are in most of the vaginal wall, actually. Which is exactly why if you do it wrong, it hurts!
And then depending on the position you're in, you can change what's getting pressed on. From behind, I find that my cervix actually gets quite a bit of contact (and yeah, maybe I'm weird here--I've heard other women say that it's painful when their partner hits the cervix). Usually my man will have his hand around front playing with my clit or labia too. Face to face, as mentioned by 24, provides rubbing of the clit against him.
And psychological factors play in too, as in all sex. It can be a big trust thing, because of the potential for pain. Or a power thing for a dom/sub interaction. Or a dirty/taboo thing. Or all of the above, or something entirely different, depending on the individuals involved.
35
straight girl, love it. totally new type of orgasm (there are so many types! yay!) and my kink factor is pretty low. the taboo is certainly part of it, but a small part (for me).
thick gel lubes FTW.
thick gel lubes FTW.
36
also this is a really, really good starting place...still my favorite:
http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product…
http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product…
37
I think many women aren't into it because they've tried it and just don't think it's as good. For me it was never a "bad" experience but it felt a lot like my boyfriend was performing a cautious medical procedure. Most straight men also don't seem to think it's as good. It's not a sex organ (although you can of course use it for sex)--it's for pooping. It's full of e coli and things that can make you sick. It doesn't lubricate. You need to be more careful with it to avoid injury. If you like it good for you but it's reasonable for the rest of us to either think it's gross or unsexy.
38
@19 for me it's the g-spot. I also used to be dubious about why/how women might enjoy anal sex physically, but now I know!
I used to think anal wasn't for me, but I was willing to consider the idea and try some toys on the precondition that my boyfriend receive the same. He actually enjoys receiving anal sex, so that was no problem for him. This also meant he knew what he was doing, so we experimented with some toys first and I found it was a lot more pleasurable than I'd previously imagined! Anal orgasms are fucking awesome. So for me, while it started as a GGG 'I'll give it a try for you' type thing, now I love it. It stimulates my g-spot and there are lots of nerve endings up there, so there are a lot of sensations going on and the orgasm feels really deep and intense. Definitely an intimate bonding thing too.
I used to think anal wasn't for me, but I was willing to consider the idea and try some toys on the precondition that my boyfriend receive the same. He actually enjoys receiving anal sex, so that was no problem for him. This also meant he knew what he was doing, so we experimented with some toys first and I found it was a lot more pleasurable than I'd previously imagined! Anal orgasms are fucking awesome. So for me, while it started as a GGG 'I'll give it a try for you' type thing, now I love it. It stimulates my g-spot and there are lots of nerve endings up there, so there are a lot of sensations going on and the orgasm feels really deep and intense. Definitely an intimate bonding thing too.
39
It's not psychological. It's physical. It's actually a pretty good attack-angle that mashes the clitoris from behind (if one is face-down). It's nothing mysterious, really.
40
@18: what worked for me was to work up to it in gentle stages over many sessions. Start with just one joint of a slender finger, and not for too long. It'll probably feel strange. Another session, try it again, but a bit deeper and/or thicker. These early tries, if it feels strange but kinda nice too, you're doing well. When the "strange" starts wearing off or you want a little more thickness, the next stage is slender toys. Plugs are easier to get used to because they stay mostly still once in. Just keep on going up one size every few sessions, and never ever skip the slender warmup stages. Now that it's feeling good, you might still top out at a size smaller than a penis. That's okay. Keep going in gentle stages, including some experiments with thrusting. The sensations can be intense, so even tiny slow thrusts may feel huge and deep. Eventually you'll work up to penis-sized objects which can move, at least gently, while having it feel good. It may well feel awesome, when you are properly warmed up and used to it, because it is so deep and intense and different from anything else.
The receiving partner should have absolute veto over the thrusting -- speed, hard/soft, position, direction, etc. If the giver thinks they're going to get to pound away without your constant verbal enthusiastic consent, throw them out of the room and don't let them back in.
Also, Maximus lube is quite good for this. Slippery, lasts pretty well, and doesn't dribble much.
The receiving partner should have absolute veto over the thrusting -- speed, hard/soft, position, direction, etc. If the giver thinks they're going to get to pound away without your constant verbal enthusiastic consent, throw them out of the room and don't let them back in.
Also, Maximus lube is quite good for this. Slippery, lasts pretty well, and doesn't dribble much.
42
@39 Word. I'm sure I've said this before in a comment thread - but if you put a finger in the ass and another in the vagina, you'll feel that the walls of tissue in between are actually incredibly thin, so much so that you can feel the different texture of the G-spot through the wall with your finger. The internal fixings of the clitoris, like the G-spot, are often, depending on what you're doing, angles, etc., going to get stimulated by anal - unless there's something else fun up the vagina.
@41: I'd totally second all that and also add that (good quality, silicone) anal beads are also great for newbies. The asshole is only stretched momentarily as the bead goes in, and the first few are so tiny that it's great for getting past both physical discomfort and the psychological barrier. Applying a bullet vibe to the base of toys is also a fun tease and adds some more stimulation without meaning adding more in before your partner feels ready.
@41: I'd totally second all that and also add that (good quality, silicone) anal beads are also great for newbies. The asshole is only stretched momentarily as the bead goes in, and the first few are so tiny that it's great for getting past both physical discomfort and the psychological barrier. Applying a bullet vibe to the base of toys is also a fun tease and adds some more stimulation without meaning adding more in before your partner feels ready.
43
Lady butts are full of sensitive nerves, which is why well prepared anal sex is awesome for many ladies.
Saletan is a total dumbass who makes a career of misinterpreting data in semi-provocative ways and going "It must be true, it's SCIENCE!"
This has been another edition of planned barrenhood States the Obvious!
Saletan is a total dumbass who makes a career of misinterpreting data in semi-provocative ways and going "It must be true, it's SCIENCE!"
This has been another edition of planned barrenhood States the Obvious!
44
Glad this lady finally got a clue-
cause anal is so natural and all;
cause, you know, bonobos and penguins and all our other furry friends have condoms and an assortment of lubricants and plastic sheeting and all the other paraphernalia that Dan will tell you you need to do anal "right"....
cause anal is so natural and all;
cause, you know, bonobos and penguins and all our other furry friends have condoms and an assortment of lubricants and plastic sheeting and all the other paraphernalia that Dan will tell you you need to do anal "right"....
45
and the best part is that soon we can expect 20% of all enlightened uberorgasing women to come down with AIDS, too!
won't that be neat?
(that's your plan, isn't it Dan- you sly devil...)
won't that be neat?
(that's your plan, isn't it Dan- you sly devil...)
46
we just hope, for her sake, that this lady doesn't live too long.
cause when she gets bored with sex in THIS hole in a couple of years, well, at some point she'll run out of orifices.....
cause when she gets bored with sex in THIS hole in a couple of years, well, at some point she'll run out of orifices.....
48
Straight-ish lady, married 20 years, anal enthusiast. Like so many other women, I wanted to, but it took a while to figure out how it worked for me. It was my idea, I did the research, read the books, bought the toys. We went to a Tristan Taormino workshop on the butt secks, talked more in depth with Tristan afterwards, then went home and had really good butt fucking. I love it, I use butt plugs when I masturbate. I can't figure out why more women don't do this. It's not a daily dish, but it's definitely on the menu.
49
I detest Saletan. He's a reflexively contrarian concern troll (like so many authors at Slate). He's interested in attention, not truth. And his semi-pro-choice positions reek of paternalism.
50
What??? People here can rub their clits against their guys?
I guess I'm just not as clitorally endowed, cos mine is packed well away from the surface. I guess the women who can 'rub their clitoris on their guy' are the same women who talk about 'clitoral shafts'. Mines basically tic-tac sized, so there's nothing shafty about it.
people and their crazy bodies.
Also, wouldn't rubbing your clit on a guys pubic area hurt like crazy?? what if he's stubbly? Ouch!
I guess I'm just not as clitorally endowed, cos mine is packed well away from the surface. I guess the women who can 'rub their clitoris on their guy' are the same women who talk about 'clitoral shafts'. Mines basically tic-tac sized, so there's nothing shafty about it.
people and their crazy bodies.
Also, wouldn't rubbing your clit on a guys pubic area hurt like crazy?? what if he's stubbly? Ouch!
51
@ankylosaur. One word: vibrator. Stimulate the clit during butt secks and the orgasms are huge. Questions like that make me wonder -- do people really still thing that women get off from vaginal intercourse alone?
52
@ankylosaur. One word: vibrator. Stimulate the clit during butt secks and the orgasms are huge. Questions like that make me wonder -- do people really still think that women get off from vaginal intercourse alone?
55
Aardvark is so right. I knew the burning only happened with the lube (and not when I just used spit and other liquids) so I switched from Maximus to just Extra Virgin Coconut Oil and it made a world of difference. Try to experiment w/ different glycerin-free lubes if the burning is your problem. Otherwise, yes, like everyone else says go slow and don't worry if you can't move past a toy during certain sessions. Your ass may not be in the mood all the time. And yes, if "timing" is not on your side or you want to be a bit spontaneous, buy a drugstore enema and use it about 1 hr before, to make sure everything is good to go. It is 100% worth it, whether I come directly from anal or not, it's fucking hot as hell and I wouldn't be with a man who doesn't enjoy it. Ladies, you must try putting your fingers inside to feel him on the other side of your wall, it's amazing!
56
Let me add to the chorus of straight women saying: I have my BEST orgasms during anal. (Not porn-style, bent-over, pounding anal.) Here's how I learned to love it: my husband used two fingers in my vagina and gently pushed at my anus with his pinky while giving me oral. Over time we moved up to anal beads and butt plugs. Now it's in regular rotation. Usually I'm the one asking for it. There are certain things I do only for my husband's enjoyment... but anal is not one of them!
57
My wife does not really like anal, fortunately my girlfriend loves it in her ass. Sometimes we even have Sex At Dawn.......(your welcome Urgutha Forka).
58
But what's the anatomical reason for that? Is it just psychological (the pervy factor for women)? Do they also get their clits stimulated that way? Does someone have a good answer?
Part of it's the nerve endings, part of it's what might get rubbed up against during the act, and part of it is that the same muscle group that controls vaginal contractions also controls anal contractions. Get those muscles humming, and you have a possibility for a bigger-than-usual orgasm.
Part of it's the nerve endings, part of it's what might get rubbed up against during the act, and part of it is that the same muscle group that controls vaginal contractions also controls anal contractions. Get those muscles humming, and you have a possibility for a bigger-than-usual orgasm.
59
@55 - what are some good positions for accessing his butt hole while fucking? In missionary, his hands can reach to my hole (awesome), but I can only fondle his butt cheeks and can't quite get to his hole.
60
i wonder what the percentage is of women that are into anal. of course it will vary across demographics, but i get the feeling that it's never more than 10 or 20 percent.
also i want to say as a straight man, i am pretty much only interested in fucking a woman in the ass (or ass worship, including lots of rimming). really i dont know why. ill fuck the pussy and it will be good, but what i consider real sex, what really turns me on is ass fucking my lady.
also i want to say as a straight man, i am pretty much only interested in fucking a woman in the ass (or ass worship, including lots of rimming). really i dont know why. ill fuck the pussy and it will be good, but what i consider real sex, what really turns me on is ass fucking my lady.
61
@59 it's a porn move, but is awesome if done right. you are upside down basically on your head and neck (pillow or bed is good for this), and he stands up facing you backwards, and dips it in you. then his is all yours. takes the right guy for this i imagine, not a beginner move.
63
@61 - "facing you backwards"? That would definitely take the right guy.
Can you clarify? Is my face against the pillow, or away from the pillow?
Is he facing toward my head, or toward my feet, or are both my head and feet on the same side of him, in which case, is he facing my boobs or my ass?
Am I asking the right questions? just trying to picture what you're describing.
Can you clarify? Is my face against the pillow, or away from the pillow?
Is he facing toward my head, or toward my feet, or are both my head and feet on the same side of him, in which case, is he facing my boobs or my ass?
Am I asking the right questions? just trying to picture what you're describing.
64
63 a little personal experience, an evolution of a position- my ex and i were almost all anal. but this works for pussy too i guess. anyway we would start out with her on her back and i would hold her ankles back, up in the air. then i learned i could really pin her back by her ankles. then if i went all the way, her ankles on the floor by her head, her ass would go up in the air and she would basically be upside down. this is more comfortable if she had a pillow behind her head or was on something soft like a bed. all i would touch was her ankles and the dipping part. So, then we did this so i would turn around and she would basically be propped up by the edge of the sofa and i would dip it in and she had full exposure to my butt.
im so proud i get to explain this.
anyway there are lots of porno pics of this out there, i guess i could link to one if you dont get it.
im so proud i get to explain this.
anyway there are lots of porno pics of this out there, i guess i could link to one if you dont get it.
66
ericap check back over the weekend, im at work now but ill link to a shot. i can also give a demo too just lemme know
67
@EricaP Something a little less... er... gymnastic that might work would be the old reverse cowgirl - you on top, facing towards his feet. If he rotates his hips up a bit, you could probably reach his ass (depending of course on flexibility, arm length, etc. etc.)
That might work. Not that I would know. Ahem. Anyway...
That might work. Not that I would know. Ahem. Anyway...
68
I'm a lesbian and love for my girl to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on. So, the whole "just doing it for the man" theory flies out the window. I have the most amazing orgasms that way. I love it just as much as fisting which is whole other conversation.
69
Thanks for all the ladies answering about their own experiences. It seems that anal also stimulates the clitoris (good), and there are nerves there that make the sensation more interesting (even better). I suppose it's the first part that gives you the orgasms, plus the non-standard stimulation and the sensations from all those anal nerve endings that make it "super-awesome". Thanks!
Hm, maybe I have indeed missed something by never going anal. I felt a little curious about pegging, and did get pegged once with a more adventurous girlfriend; but (I'm guessing we did it wrong) it didn't do anything for me, nor for her, so we went on to more pleasurable activities. All other girlfriends I had (about 10), and also my wife, said they didn't want anal -- either never had and weren't interested in trying, or had tried but not liked it.
Again, maybe I was just unlucky... let's see if I can talk to the wifey about that.
Thanks again!
Hm, maybe I have indeed missed something by never going anal. I felt a little curious about pegging, and did get pegged once with a more adventurous girlfriend; but (I'm guessing we did it wrong) it didn't do anything for me, nor for her, so we went on to more pleasurable activities. All other girlfriends I had (about 10), and also my wife, said they didn't want anal -- either never had and weren't interested in trying, or had tried but not liked it.
Again, maybe I was just unlucky... let's see if I can talk to the wifey about that.
Thanks again!
70
@69, In my experience, anal isn't best brought up by talking, but by feeling around, during sexual play. Fingers (or tongue) are your best advocates. You're not doing anything sinister, nothing to see here, nothing to feel insecure about, you're just caressing her ass... but your fingers stray closer and closer to her butt hole, or your tongue wanders down there during oral. The idea is that she will sooner or later want you to go closer. And, sooner or later, want you to place your finger there at the entrance. And maybe, sooner or later, she'll push herself back onto your finger (or tongue) a little bit.
I was one of the people who thought that I had tried anal and not liked it, but that was because we jumped right into the fucking part. Anal needs a lot of foreplay. Like (again, in my experience), years and years of foreplay. (Then again, my pussy also got years of teasing and foreplay before any penis ever ventured in... that was just a really long time ago.)
I was one of the people who thought that I had tried anal and not liked it, but that was because we jumped right into the fucking part. Anal needs a lot of foreplay. Like (again, in my experience), years and years of foreplay. (Then again, my pussy also got years of teasing and foreplay before any penis ever ventured in... that was just a really long time ago.)
75
I'm glad to know that people are gettin' on board for the fullest possible sexual enjoyment. But jus' sayin', if you don't like something, that's fine too. NOT EVEN all gay men like to be the bottom; some don't ever do it because they don't like it. Ahem. LOL -- all the ways people find to get into each other!
76
Oh sorry just one more thing for lowpex -- lowpecks?
Spelling it "secks" is funny 'cause it's dumb. Dum.
Spelling it "secks" is funny 'cause it's dumb. Dum.
77
Misspelling is also often used to evade censors.
I'm impressed with aardvark's pictures... not all of us are quite that flexible though o.O
I'm impressed with aardvark's pictures... not all of us are quite that flexible though o.O
78
Yoga for the win. I could totally do that. It's a shoulder stand into the plow, but slightly afraid of hurting my neck.
79
@70: perhaps that approach works for some people, but I would not recommend that as a universal tactic. Some people prefer to talk openly about sex options before/between getting naked, and pushing things too far in the sack without asking can lead to feelings of violation. Also, that puts the onus on the other person to interrupt their arousal to say "no" instead of "yes," which can be a buzzkill and make building trust difficult, especially in a new relationship. Discussing boundaries ahead of time would make that less of an issue.
That female friend of mine I mentioned earlier, for example, was almost anally raped by her boyfriend when he was drunk and decided to try to "miss." She told him "no," he kept trying to do it, so she ended that session right there. Someone trying to make a pass at her ass without discussing matters first would be a very bad red flag for her (she is GGG and a very open communicator about sex beforehand).
The comfort and trust of my partner is infinitely more important to me than getting to do any particular orifice or act. If they say "no" when we talk about it, it's on me to make them feel comfortable enough to consider changing their minds, not to change their minds for them and hope they feel comfortable with it.
That female friend of mine I mentioned earlier, for example, was almost anally raped by her boyfriend when he was drunk and decided to try to "miss." She told him "no," he kept trying to do it, so she ended that session right there. Someone trying to make a pass at her ass without discussing matters first would be a very bad red flag for her (she is GGG and a very open communicator about sex beforehand).
The comfort and trust of my partner is infinitely more important to me than getting to do any particular orifice or act. If they say "no" when we talk about it, it's on me to make them feel comfortable enough to consider changing their minds, not to change their minds for them and hope they feel comfortable with it.
83
Ok, dunno, the last three women I've been with (over about 10 yrs) have had like shaking, drooling, losing-all-control orgasms from butt secks. No issues with lube, after the first few times we go for lube or just a lot of spit. I always do an ass-munching warmup, post serious pussy licking. And then they kind of pester me to have a whole lot more butt secks, even though I prefer PiV. I suspect it's partly b/c I have a avg-to-small cock. Chick #1 could come from any sex in any position at all, but preferred butt secks; chick #2 only came from pussy licking in very specific ways -- or from any butt secks, any position; chick #3 could come from any sex -- as long as there was something up her ass, preferably my cock. Earlier relationships confirm this, but only since aforementioned chick #1 have I been as assertive about the "hey honey you really wanna try this" line.
84
@79-82, well, I meant this in the context of a long-term loving relationship, where you have some sense of how to read your lover's body language. If she jumps away when you caress her ass, then, yes, that should be a signal to stop touching her ass. And if you know that anal is out of the question due to a past violation, then don't go near it. But if the idea of trying anal sometime is on the table, then it can be helpful (for some people, not everyone) to approach it via lots of anal foreplay, rather than by lubing up a dildo or your cock and going for the entry.
Also, as has been said by many: asking her to do some anal play on you and giving her enthusiastic feedback if she does -- that can be very reassuring that it's not about degrading her, but just about exploring different nerve endings.
As for the question of whether every act should be discussed and approved ahead of time, maybe it's best to have a meta-conversation early on, where you figure out whether the other person prefers for sex acts to be explicitly pre-negotiated or for the communication to happen mostly during sex, through conversation, body language, and moans of pleasure.
Also, as has been said by many: asking her to do some anal play on you and giving her enthusiastic feedback if she does -- that can be very reassuring that it's not about degrading her, but just about exploring different nerve endings.
As for the question of whether every act should be discussed and approved ahead of time, maybe it's best to have a meta-conversation early on, where you figure out whether the other person prefers for sex acts to be explicitly pre-negotiated or for the communication to happen mostly during sex, through conversation, body language, and moans of pleasure.
85
EricaP, thanks for your advice. All in all, I tend to agree with MemeGene above: the one time I got a bit anal adventurous, I did something like what you suggested, and it didn't work. I was going down on a girl (a rather sexy and adventurious young girl, that one was), and we were on a position (she lying in bed, me kneeling on the floor between her legs) that left her butt exposed. While licking around her vulva, I kept going down and started licking her perineum; her anus was right there, and -- for some reason -- it looked very attractive (usually I'm not at all interested but that one time it happend), so I gave a gentle kiss to her anus. It felt pervy in a good way. So I was ready to do it again, when I noticed she stopped moving. She put her hand on the back of my head and said softly, "No!"
Since I'm not so much into it, I said "OK", and went back up to go back to the fun stuff (you don't want to break the mood).
Later on, in (as Svutlana says) the post-coital evaluation, she asked me why I did that. I said I didn't know, it just felt like the right thing to do. She said she felt disgusted just imagining my mouth touching her there; 'it would make it hard for me to want to kiss you!' Then she added, 'and if you were thinking of putting something else there... better not. OK?' I didn't care much, so I said OK too.
In other words: she didn't like my trying it as a 'surprise' (and it wasn't a maneuver; I really hadn't thought I'd be doing that, it was all spontaneous.)
Later on, I thought I should have talked first. Reading what you guys wrote here, and remembering that she was a quite adventurous girl, I think if we talked about it I might have gotten her interested in trying. But just sneaking in... well, it just evoked the wrong images in her head.
Every situation is different, though. I'm sure others have had success with the sneaking technique. Like everything else in life, you can try different ways, and there isn't any way that always works. :-)
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Since I'm not so much into it, I said "OK", and went back up to go back to the fun stuff (you don't want to break the mood).
Later on, in (as Svutlana says) the post-coital evaluation, she asked me why I did that. I said I didn't know, it just felt like the right thing to do. She said she felt disgusted just imagining my mouth touching her there; 'it would make it hard for me to want to kiss you!' Then she added, 'and if you were thinking of putting something else there... better not. OK?' I didn't care much, so I said OK too.
In other words: she didn't like my trying it as a 'surprise' (and it wasn't a maneuver; I really hadn't thought I'd be doing that, it was all spontaneous.)
Later on, I thought I should have talked first. Reading what you guys wrote here, and remembering that she was a quite adventurous girl, I think if we talked about it I might have gotten her interested in trying. But just sneaking in... well, it just evoked the wrong images in her head.
Every situation is different, though. I'm sure others have had success with the sneaking technique. Like everything else in life, you can try different ways, and there isn't any way that always works. :-)
86
I guess part of my definition for a long-term loving relationship is that we have already talked openly about most of the sex menu and either tried the options or agreed on boundaries for them. At least that's one of my requirements with a potential long-term partner; if they can't talk about (or attempt to talk about) sex maturely, respectfully, and openly, then we're probably not going to be much of a match.
EricaP - I do definitely agree that anal, like everything else, should be worked up to gradually. But that to me is all the more reason for talking about it - suggesting light play first is a good way to gently ease someone into trying something new in any sort of case. They then know that saying yes for that one thing doesn't give license to go whole hog, and that they'll be able to think about it for a few days afterwards to see where they want to go from there.
EricaP - I do definitely agree that anal, like everything else, should be worked up to gradually. But that to me is all the more reason for talking about it - suggesting light play first is a good way to gently ease someone into trying something new in any sort of case. They then know that saying yes for that one thing doesn't give license to go whole hog, and that they'll be able to think about it for a few days afterwards to see where they want to go from there.
87
@85 and @86 -- what you're saying makes sense. I think what I was originally trying to suggest was that if a girl responds favorably to having her ass squeezed, that might be worth trying to develop. If your experience with the girl is that she likes such development to take place in calm, non-sexual conversation, then raise the issue there.
And ankylosaur, in particular, what you said about kissing a girl's anus on a whim, just because she seemed adventurous -- that's going way way way further than I had originally suggested. I suggested letting "your fingers stray closer and closer to her butt hole... The idea is that she will sooner or later want you to go closer." I mean, each time you make out, your fingers move an inch closer to the destination. No surprises. The idea is that her body figures out where you are thinking of going, long before you get there. So when you fingers (or tongue) are still inches away from her hole, she can start to consider the idea of whether she wants you to go closer. The next time you're making out, you can move a little closer. See how she reacts. If she pushes her hole closer to your fingers or mouth, and you don't give it to her, then you could try asking why she pushed her hole in that way. Get her to own the desire.
Of course, if she doesn't have any such desire, then you won't get that positive feedback. And you should stop moving closer. It's not a trick to bully someone who doesn't like anal into allowing it. It's a way to start the conversation, to spark the idea that this might be fun, in a girl who has never thought about it.
And ankylosaur, in particular, what you said about kissing a girl's anus on a whim, just because she seemed adventurous -- that's going way way way further than I had originally suggested. I suggested letting "your fingers stray closer and closer to her butt hole... The idea is that she will sooner or later want you to go closer." I mean, each time you make out, your fingers move an inch closer to the destination. No surprises. The idea is that her body figures out where you are thinking of going, long before you get there. So when you fingers (or tongue) are still inches away from her hole, she can start to consider the idea of whether she wants you to go closer. The next time you're making out, you can move a little closer. See how she reacts. If she pushes her hole closer to your fingers or mouth, and you don't give it to her, then you could try asking why she pushed her hole in that way. Get her to own the desire.
Of course, if she doesn't have any such desire, then you won't get that positive feedback. And you should stop moving closer. It's not a trick to bully someone who doesn't like anal into allowing it. It's a way to start the conversation, to spark the idea that this might be fun, in a girl who has never thought about it.
88
How about posting this guy's email, Dan, so that us straight women who enjoy anal for it's own sake and not as a "reward" to straight men- our us scientists properly trained in the basic scientific method with a passing knowledge of formal logic- can make our case to him? (Or for the scientists, smack him around for his unscientific logic and clear bias?)
This offends me both as a woman of science and a woman who enjoys anal. It offends me on multiple levels. It's particularly galling because it's peer reviewed, which means that other scientists looked at it and found nothing wrong with his conclusions or logic.
Or maybe just send him the urban dictionary page on pegging. If his brain can't process the concept of a woman enjoying anal, that will probably blow his mind.
This offends me both as a woman of science and a woman who enjoys anal. It offends me on multiple levels. It's particularly galling because it's peer reviewed, which means that other scientists looked at it and found nothing wrong with his conclusions or logic.
Or maybe just send him the urban dictionary page on pegging. If his brain can't process the concept of a woman enjoying anal, that will probably blow his mind.
89
FIrst time commenter, as a woman who loves anal I couldn't resist getting my 2c in.
With regard to ankylosaur's story, I agree with EricaP that kissing the anus is too much. Mouth to anus contact is yet another big taboo, on top of anal alone. It's definitely something for someone who has already processed and decided they want anal.
I also very much agree with EricaP's comment than anal takes a lot of foreplay... YEARS of foreplay. For me it was very much a build up over time. I first tried anal sex with my first partner as a teenager, but didn't get big into it till at least ten years later, and even longer than that before it was something that was automatically on the menu with a new partner. Before that it was something I'd only do with someone I felt especially close to and did a big build up with - a build up that would probably last months in itself. Even now I would only have anal regularly with a partner who fully understood how I like it, and was onboard with my wishes, even though my preference is to have it probably ever third or fourth time we fuck.
Personally I find anal to give very strong physical sensations, and I can easily cum from it. In fact it's easy for me to cum from the very first penetration of my arse, particularly if some PIV or oral has already happened. But I very much enjoy the early sensations of anal sex. I find that after a while the sensation goes down a lot, and I am able to fuck quite hard, as you'd expect from PIV sex. But I am not at all interested in that - it feels similar but less good to PIV sex, and when that aroused it's difficult to notice stretching that can be uncomfortable if not painful the next day. In fact I always feel a bit of sensation the next day from anal - and that's only a really great thing if I'm remembering fantastic sex.
So for those who have tried it and not liked it... my experience of enjoying it has been if you're doing anything like PIV fucking, you're doing it wrong. This is in terms of speed particularly. For anal I like pretty much zero movement of the penis in my arse. If the insertion is super slow, I get mind-blowing sensations with each millimetre of depth as it happens, and it can take me several minutes of gasping, shock, temperature changes over my whole body, etc, to be ready for the next millimetre.
More...
With regard to ankylosaur's story, I agree with EricaP that kissing the anus is too much. Mouth to anus contact is yet another big taboo, on top of anal alone. It's definitely something for someone who has already processed and decided they want anal.
I also very much agree with EricaP's comment than anal takes a lot of foreplay... YEARS of foreplay. For me it was very much a build up over time. I first tried anal sex with my first partner as a teenager, but didn't get big into it till at least ten years later, and even longer than that before it was something that was automatically on the menu with a new partner. Before that it was something I'd only do with someone I felt especially close to and did a big build up with - a build up that would probably last months in itself. Even now I would only have anal regularly with a partner who fully understood how I like it, and was onboard with my wishes, even though my preference is to have it probably ever third or fourth time we fuck.
Personally I find anal to give very strong physical sensations, and I can easily cum from it. In fact it's easy for me to cum from the very first penetration of my arse, particularly if some PIV or oral has already happened. But I very much enjoy the early sensations of anal sex. I find that after a while the sensation goes down a lot, and I am able to fuck quite hard, as you'd expect from PIV sex. But I am not at all interested in that - it feels similar but less good to PIV sex, and when that aroused it's difficult to notice stretching that can be uncomfortable if not painful the next day. In fact I always feel a bit of sensation the next day from anal - and that's only a really great thing if I'm remembering fantastic sex.
So for those who have tried it and not liked it... my experience of enjoying it has been if you're doing anything like PIV fucking, you're doing it wrong. This is in terms of speed particularly. For anal I like pretty much zero movement of the penis in my arse. If the insertion is super slow, I get mind-blowing sensations with each millimetre of depth as it happens, and it can take me several minutes of gasping, shock, temperature changes over my whole body, etc, to be ready for the next millimetre.
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