Oakland is a town known for many things: Urban decay. Hangin' with Mr. Cooper. Being the sister city of Ulan Bator, Mongolia. Add to this illustrious list "morbidly obese dudes who single-handedly fight off entire Southeast Asian gangs."
On September 21, Seattle police were dispatched to the corner of 7th Avenue S and S Findlay Street to investigate an alleged assault. The filed police report states that upon arrival at the scene, the victim was already being treated by EMTs for a "probable broken right hand." The victim wanted to make clear that he called 911 "to get his hand looked at, and did not intend to report the assault stating that he had handled things."
According to the police report, the victim said he had gone boozing at the Nine Pound Hammer with a friend and "[became] very intoxicated." After leaving the bar, he noticed a black Acura circling him. The occupants of the car allegedly began to heckle him; "What are you doing here, cracker" and "Get the fuck out, white boy" stuck in his memory. The victim claimed no prior association with this vehicle or its occupants.
The report states that the car then drove off and subsequently returned, at which point it disgorged its occupants: four "Vietnamese or Cambodian gang members wearing black hoodies." The victim claimed the suspects were shouting at him, leading him to identify himself as half Hawaiian. Perhaps due to a deep hatred of Queen Liliuokalani, the half Hawaiian defense did not pacify the suspects. In fact, the victim testified that one of them soon pulled a shotgun on him.
The victim stated that he "overpowered the suspect with the gun" and then took care of the other three suspects as they jumped in on the fight. Note to suspects: haven't you watched enough kung fu movies to know that you must engage your target one at a time for the best visual effect?
The victim remained "unfazed." According to him, he "was handling [the four suspects] just fine, and they quickly left the area." So why call 911? The report tells us "he thought his hand was broken most likely from punching one of the suspects."
The victim's background ties the report up with a flourish. The report describes him as "approximately 6-1 and 400 pounds" and has him "referencing more than one time that he had grown up in Oakland, and could take care of himself."
You're doing it wrong, gang dudes. You do not attempt assaults on man-mountains walking alone in Georgetown after last call. Low-hanging fruit that is not.