Shoplifting must have an debasing effect on the human soul—that's the only excuse I have for the attempted heist of a $13.99 bottle of wine that allegedly led to a suspect biting a security guard's thumb last week. Highest form of animal indeed.

According to a filed police report, Seattle police officers were called to a store (believed to be either QFC or Bartell Drugs, judging from the ever-reliable Google maps) in the 1400 block of Broadway on September 21.

The security guard on duty, soon identified as the victim, told police that the incident began when he saw two males take items and walk out of the store's Harvard and Pike exit without paying. The items taken were identified as a "$5.49 cookie tray" and a "$13.99 bottle of wine." I guess they were out of Camembert that day.

The victim halted the suspects in the street and asked them to return to the store. They allegedly refused, so the victim pursued them. According to the report, the suspect responsible for taking the cookies stopped and allegedly produced a knife, reportedly telling the victim, "I will stab you."

The victim told police that he stepped back from the armed suspect and told him to just leave the merchandise. According to the report, he did exactly that, dropping his bag as he fled.

One suspect remained. The victim told police that he approached this suspect with an eye on taking him into custody. They ended up fighting in the street "for what [the victim] believes to [have been] 45 seconds to a minute." Eventually, the victim said he was able to cuff the suspect "with the assistance of an unknown, unidentified passerby."

According to the report, the victim led the suspect back into the store. Then the suspect reportedly began "'wiggling and shaking his leg' until the glass bottle of alcohol fell out of his pants leg." Party foul!

Inside the store, the victim claims the suspect "made a motion as if he were going to fall." The victim put his arm in front of the suspect to arrest his fall. The report says the suspect used the new-found proximity of the victim's arm to his advantage, attempting to bite him in the forearm. Luckily for the victim, his arm was covered and the bite did not break the skin.

As the victim drew his arm back, the suspect allegedly bit him on his uncovered thumb. The victim told police that the suspect "'chomped down on his thumb' drawing blood." Luckily for those involved, this om-nom-nom move was the final attack in the suspect's inventory—unless you count verbal attacks. As he was finally being led into the office, the suspect is reported to have yelled "You camel jockey, you Bangladesh, you rag head, I'll kill you when I get out."

Welcome to Capitol Hill, home of The Stranger.