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News & ArtsWednesday, September 22, 2010
Homo It Gets Better
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 6:21 PM
The videos are rolling in...
What it's all about here, more videos at the "It Gets Better" YouTube channel here, and lots more videos to come.
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I've been refreshing the channel page and watching the new videos periodically throughout the day. They all make me smile.
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I wish there was such a channel when I was in high school; perhaps I could have become a well-adjusted homosexual with a loving lifetime partner; TINK lifetyle (maybe restoring a gem of a house on Queen Anne or something). Instead I'm just a miserable hetero with three kids, one on the way in a dumpy bungalow near Chicago.
4
Awww..(melt!) She was wonderful in that vid. Especially at the end.
And it's true, it does get better.
Adopt whatever strategy you need to survive the four (seemingly long) years of high school (or the infinity of jr. high & high school), and plot to get yourself into a good, open-minded college... or plot to save up money and travel... or lay the plans to at least get the fuck out of wherever you are that is so confining.
The first time you find yourself in a place that is accepting and open will be worth all the time you endured other people's idiocy.
And it's true, it does get better.
Adopt whatever strategy you need to survive the four (seemingly long) years of high school (or the infinity of jr. high & high school), and plot to get yourself into a good, open-minded college... or plot to save up money and travel... or lay the plans to at least get the fuck out of wherever you are that is so confining.
The first time you find yourself in a place that is accepting and open will be worth all the time you endured other people's idiocy.
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Also: WTF is the "it gets better" facebook group? Someone else start one so I don't have to be all responsible and do work and stuff. I promise I'll "like" it once it's started.
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This is such a great idea. I'd selfishly like to see a few more celebrities follow Perez's lead and make a video. Having a message from Jane Lynch or Ellen DeGeneres would be completely awesome.
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@3 - for god's sake it's never too late. i'm a straight guy, but i will tell you that it sounds to me like you need to stop living a lie and do what is best for you and your family and be who you are. if you think you are gay, go be gay, my friend.
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@8: sorry; sarcasm. Playing on the belief that "homosexuality is a choice". Though I think it definitely would be more fun now.
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also, i'd like to point out that high school sucks for straight kids too. straight girl crushes and dealing with your burgeoning sexuality is difficult for everyone. IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER.
high school is the bottom. the whole point is to survive.
here is my video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSzz-t7yw…
high school is the bottom. the whole point is to survive.
here is my video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSzz-t7yw…
11
Of course it will get better and of course High School is painful, unbearable and hideous. It is for most people. It's a savage time of emotion, unhappiness and hormones for most of us that we feel will never end.
Here's the question to ask yourself when everything seems dark and despairing: will this matter in five years? NO, after graduation you won't see most of those miserable fucks again. Except at a 25 year reunion where the schenfeude will be thick and ironic.
The Italians have an expression "canta che ti pass"- sing and let it pass.
I was teased for being a weirdo and eccentric but I smile now because I was the smartest one around.
Here's the question to ask yourself when everything seems dark and despairing: will this matter in five years? NO, after graduation you won't see most of those miserable fucks again. Except at a 25 year reunion where the schenfeude will be thick and ironic.
The Italians have an expression "canta che ti pass"- sing and let it pass.
I was teased for being a weirdo and eccentric but I smile now because I was the smartest one around.
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These are awesome. Brilliant idea, Dan.
I might add, the "it get's better" message is relevant to a lot of straight kids, too.
I might add, the "it get's better" message is relevant to a lot of straight kids, too.
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@10, you're missing the point. I was a bullied straight kid. You know why they bullied me? They thought I was a lesbian. These videos speak to all kids, even if they are from gay folks. But also, when someone hears about a straight kid killing himself over being bullied, it is an instant outrage. When it is a gay kid, he got what was coming to him for being a faggot. Straight kids do tend to have more support and that's great, but gay kids are constantly told they are immoral and they are demonized. Even schools with so called 'zero tolerance' policies will ignore gay kids while they instantly punish other bullying. They're just telling these kids that they're beneath the straight kids and they're not.
On a lighter note, Florida is to begin immediate gay adoption thanks to Charlie Crist. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39312209/ns/…
On a lighter note, Florida is to begin immediate gay adoption thanks to Charlie Crist. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39312209/ns/…
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I like her and the project and all, but IMO that did have something of a mid-90's Ani Difranco vibe....
nothing wrong with that....
just, as the cliche goes, sayin'...
nothing wrong with that....
just, as the cliche goes, sayin'...
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@13 - I think you are being a little hard on @10. Kids - boys, girls, gay, straight, whatever - can just be cruel. If they want to bully you, they'll find a reason. For me, it was because I just didn't fit in. I wasn't a girly-girl, so some thought I was a lesbian (I'm pretty sure my boss's boyfriend still does, but I'm afraid to ask). I was shy, I was smart, and I was into geeky things like computers, science fiction, and comic books. Heck, I was sexually harrassed for three years by a kid who it turns out was totally freaked about his own orientation and saw an easy mark in me - until the day he pushed me too far and I fought back. That's what it took for the administration to finally do something, after constant complaints. He got two days of in school suspension.
That's why i said these videos should be watched by every kid who doesn't fit in for whatever reason. High school sucks, but it does get better.
That's why i said these videos should be watched by every kid who doesn't fit in for whatever reason. High school sucks, but it does get better.
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I hate to sound like a Pollyanna, but I liked high school. Junior high school was awful, but high school was more or less a good time for me.
Granted, I was a big ol' theatre and music queen, in a high school that was surprisingly tolerant of that sort of thing, but more importantly, it was the first time I had a little bit of freedom, a little bit of money, and parents who were lenient enough to let me take some chances, while still being there for me when I needed them.
But it's still true that it gets better. Much better. For almost everyone, no matter who they are.
Granted, I was a big ol' theatre and music queen, in a high school that was surprisingly tolerant of that sort of thing, but more importantly, it was the first time I had a little bit of freedom, a little bit of money, and parents who were lenient enough to let me take some chances, while still being there for me when I needed them.
But it's still true that it gets better. Much better. For almost everyone, no matter who they are.
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@15, I was and I'll admit it. I tend to get touchy about GLBT issues, even though I'm straight. I grew up in a mid-sized town in Ohio and never said enough in high school to try and help the gay kids I knew, so I know I overcompensate now. Especially after finding out one of my close college friends was the kind of kid I never tried to help.
@10, apologies if you feel I was too bitchy. It's one of my major faults.
@10, apologies if you feel I was too bitchy. It's one of my major faults.
18
"the thing i like about highschool girls"... lol
so is she gettin' some poontang? I wanna her about that, better yet make a video of it!
so is she gettin' some poontang? I wanna her about that, better yet make a video of it!
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Dan, I wish is been able to see this in elementary school. I haven't been bullied for being bi (I went to an arts high school), but I was bullied mercilessly in elementary and middle school. I was slammed against walls, chased, threatened with sharp objects, hit with little things, and--worst of all--constantly made fun of. It took so long for that to heal.
Zero tolerance for bullying my butt. They never saved me, even though I was every teacher's pet. There was nothing that anyone could do. (also, I tried to kick the jerk who had me dangling against the wall, but my legs were too short to reach: I was 3'8", and he was 5'4" or more. I was...not on the bell curve for my age when it came to height or weight.)
Thank you so much, Dan. That's what this all comes down to. Thank you so much for telling them that it gets better. Am I allowed to make a video even if I was teased for being word, not being bi? Because, even though I have a strict personal commitment to avoiding pictures of myself getting online... This is a good reason to make a video.
Zero tolerance for bullying my butt. They never saved me, even though I was every teacher's pet. There was nothing that anyone could do. (also, I tried to kick the jerk who had me dangling against the wall, but my legs were too short to reach: I was 3'8", and he was 5'4" or more. I was...not on the bell curve for my age when it came to height or weight.)
Thank you so much, Dan. That's what this all comes down to. Thank you so much for telling them that it gets better. Am I allowed to make a video even if I was teased for being word, not being bi? Because, even though I have a strict personal commitment to avoiding pictures of myself getting online... This is a good reason to make a video.
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...And because I forgot, I really have to say that not only was this a great video, and... AGH, straight girl crushes! I feel her pain there! Also gay boy crushes, which she doesn't have to worry about.
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@17 - No worries. I completely understand where you were coming from. And my sensitive spot is the kids who just don't fit in for whatever reason, and there are lots of them. They fall through the cracks with the school administrators because they don't want to make a fuss and call more attention to themselves, and when they do finally have enough, the administrators don't do anything about it.
Oh, and a friend who heads the GSA at the school where she teaches is going to use these videos somehow. She just hasn't figured out how yet.
Oh, and a friend who heads the GSA at the school where she teaches is going to use these videos somehow. She just hasn't figured out how yet.
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@16 - Don't feel too bad, I kinda liked highschool too. I was far from popular (a fat nerd - but I've upgraded to just nerd now) and certainly got my share of bullying and abuse. Some memories of which I can still get really emotional/upset over if I think about them now still.
But overall looking back I was probably more popular and had more friends there then I ever will be/will again. I was accepted enough by most of the major cliques in the school, even the popular kids liked me well enough because I was funny. (Just to be clear, they didn't invite to their parties or anything, but they would at least talk to me and stuff, far better than most of the nerds). Gym class was a nightmare but overall - eh. It's hard to say really - as I look back on it fondly now, but I still have dreams where I'm in HS and wake up very relieved to find it just a dream.
Though at the time had you asked me, I almost certainly would have just told you how miserable I was.
But overall looking back I was probably more popular and had more friends there then I ever will be/will again. I was accepted enough by most of the major cliques in the school, even the popular kids liked me well enough because I was funny. (Just to be clear, they didn't invite to their parties or anything, but they would at least talk to me and stuff, far better than most of the nerds). Gym class was a nightmare but overall - eh. It's hard to say really - as I look back on it fondly now, but I still have dreams where I'm in HS and wake up very relieved to find it just a dream.
Though at the time had you asked me, I almost certainly would have just told you how miserable I was.
26
High school was the most miserable time of my life... and I wasn't even bullied much. It just sucked hard.
@6, No Perez, please. Even when he's trying to do the right thing I want to punch him in the mouth. And no celebrities either. We all know about Ellen. What makes these videos powerful is the fact that these are mostly everyday people. These are people that gay kids can relate to and see themselves like in a few years.
@6, No Perez, please. Even when he's trying to do the right thing I want to punch him in the mouth. And no celebrities either. We all know about Ellen. What makes these videos powerful is the fact that these are mostly everyday people. These are people that gay kids can relate to and see themselves like in a few years.
27
I'm a straight girl and I generally don't look back fondly on high school. But watching these videos, I'm really struck by the fact that at the time (mid-late 80s), I had NO IDEA just what a hellish place it must have been for some kids.
This project is a great way to let gay kids know that they're not alone, but I can't help wondering if there's any way to empower the straight kids who would be friends and allies to the gay kids if they just realized that they were needed! I was pretty ignorant and oblivious. Maybe times have changed, but maybe there are still lots of kids like me out there. I was not popular but I had friends from almost all the little social groups. I'm pretty sure I could have provided a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, or even a friendly house to hang out in (my mom was cool) had I not been so clueless.
This project is a great way to let gay kids know that they're not alone, but I can't help wondering if there's any way to empower the straight kids who would be friends and allies to the gay kids if they just realized that they were needed! I was pretty ignorant and oblivious. Maybe times have changed, but maybe there are still lots of kids like me out there. I was not popular but I had friends from almost all the little social groups. I'm pretty sure I could have provided a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, or even a friendly house to hang out in (my mom was cool) had I not been so clueless.
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Reverse polarity @ 26, I think you may be missing the point. To try to reach these kids, to get them to know that they are not aberrations, that they are not worthless, that someone, anyone, cares for them as who they are, apart from what is, in some cases literally, beaten into them. I would take ANYONE'S affirmation! And who knows?
Maybe Jane or Ellen (or maybe both) WERE bullied in school!
Wouldn't it be great for the kid in the middle of East Jesus Annex, who dreams of being the next Jane or Ellen, to find out that their role model was...(wait for it)
Just.
Like.
Them.
It would have meant the world to me, and I know it would mean the world to some poor kid in the middle of nowhere, with all the cards against them, to listen to someone who, being dealt the same deck, managed to pull a Straight Flush.
You Gotta Give 'Em Hope!
Maybe Jane or Ellen (or maybe both) WERE bullied in school!
Wouldn't it be great for the kid in the middle of East Jesus Annex, who dreams of being the next Jane or Ellen, to find out that their role model was...(wait for it)
Just.
Like.
Them.
It would have meant the world to me, and I know it would mean the world to some poor kid in the middle of nowhere, with all the cards against them, to listen to someone who, being dealt the same deck, managed to pull a Straight Flush.
You Gotta Give 'Em Hope!
29
I just watched all the videos and, yes, tears were shed. I just want to say again, to Dan, Terry and all those who have posted videos so far, you are doing a very beautiful thing.
30
MirrorMan @28, the point Reverse Polarity @26 was making is also Dan's point - an earlier post here about the Project linked to Dan's interview with one of the NYTimes blogs about the specific purpose of the project, which included this:
Still, you have to admit the logic of where Dan was coming from in that interview, and Reverse Polarity too.
Q. Aren’t celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres and Adam Lambert already showing teenagers that it’s O.K. to be gay?Granted, Dan may have changed his mind; he and Terry control the vids that get to go up on the Project's YouTube page, so perhaps the Perez video is a sign that he might be glad to let all the celebrities do their thing too.
A.They see Ellen and Adam Lambert and Neil Patrick Harris. They’re good folks and important public figures, but those are gay celebrities. What are the odds of becoming a celebrity? What kids have a hard time picturing is a rewarding, good, average life for themselves. Becoming Ellen is like winning the lottery. But there are a lot of happy and content lesbians who we don’t see or hear from ever. Those are the people teens need to hear from right now. When a 15-year-old kills himself, he’s saying he can’t picture a future that is decent enough and happy enough to stick around for. Gay adults can show our present lives and help them picture a future.
Still, you have to admit the logic of where Dan was coming from in that interview, and Reverse Polarity too.
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LOVE that you are doing this, Dan. Love, love, love. Good job, man. Really great. I would hug you, except now I remember that you don't like hugs. Elbow bump?
32
blerg...i hate crying on my laptop.
and, that was nice of perez to make a video...it takes a brave homo to make a video when it's a "pizza face" kind of day.
and, that was nice of perez to make a video...it takes a brave homo to make a video when it's a "pizza face" kind of day.
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That was fucking adorable. I've been pimping out the It Gets Better channel as hard as I can for the past few days... awesome idea Dan!
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God, she is so cute.
These videos are up there with StoryCorps as things that will make me 100% weepy.
These videos are up there with StoryCorps as things that will make me 100% weepy.
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High school can not only be terribly painful, it's often unnecessary. If you, or your child, is being humiliated, bullied, or tortured, in high school, LEAVE. Teach yourself. Start here: http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Liberation…
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this is an absolutely fabulous thing to do with youtube. wow. this is just such a great idea. it's going to help people, no doubt about it.
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I really like this one. The ones of older people are awesome as well, but when you're a teenager being that grown-up can seem so far away. Someone pointing out exactly how fast it can get better is really good.
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Aww, she's adorable. I like how she talks about how much happier see is just 4 months out of high school.
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Watching these makes me all happy and choked-up. (As Dolly Parton says in Steel Magnolias, "Smiling through tears is my favorite emotion.") And, oddly, considering I'm 46, have a decent life, everything-but-married, and was not tormented in high school, they make me feel... hopeful. Thanks Dan.
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I'm a teacher and would LOVE for my students to have access to this great stuff! Someone please make a FB page!!!!!!
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In places where this isn't already an option, I would like to see 15 or 16 year olds who are experiencing relentless harassment be able to petition to leave high school and attend community college.
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I just caught a piece on the news about the two young men who took their lives, and the subsequent inspiration for your blog. I can’t imaging the depth of sadness and desperation these two wonderful spirits were feeling. It saddens me that because of some callas acts we’ve lost these two young men. As a farther of three, my heart goes out to the families. Theirs is a poem called the Desiderata that I’ve shared with my children that you may find worth while checking out. One line that I’m most fond of sharing is, “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, and you have the right to be here. “ Please, for your moms and dads, hang in there, it will get better.
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This Is the Most Touching "It Gets Better" Video You Will Ever See - "I've never told this story to anyone," said Fort Worth City Councilman Joel Burns during a meeting last night. The story Burns told was about the bullying he faced as a gay teen - http://tv.gawker.com/5663083/this-is-the…
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Thanks very much for your courageous work.
What everyone needs to understand is that almost everyone is gay, to one degree or another.
See 'Kinsey': www.imdb.com/title/tt0362269/
It is fact well-known to psychology that those who lash out at gays do so because they cannot accept that part of their own nature.
news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101020/ap_on_re_eu…;
Kinsey only rediscovered what the most astute observers of humankind have always known. In ancient times, the men of the Roman, Greek and Celtic armies routinely slept with one another.
Thus we learn that times change, opinions vary.
I know these things from my own experience. As a counselor, I do what I can to be open and accepting of everyone. As a bodybuilder, I have a certain visual appeal. Guys hit on me everywhere, all the time. Boy-next-door types. Ruggedly masculine guys. Virile, married men.
For a while it threw me, but now I see it's really no big deal -- just nature taking its course. But I have the benefit of many years and a measure of learning...
Whereas youngsters all too often only feel a Big Bad within them which they do not begin to comprehend and which frightens them into acting out -- striking out at those who seem to embody what they most fear in themselves.
What everyone needs to understand is that almost everyone is gay, to one degree or another.
See 'Kinsey': www.imdb.com/title/tt0362269/
It is fact well-known to psychology that those who lash out at gays do so because they cannot accept that part of their own nature.
news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101020/ap_on_re_eu…;
Kinsey only rediscovered what the most astute observers of humankind have always known. In ancient times, the men of the Roman, Greek and Celtic armies routinely slept with one another.
Thus we learn that times change, opinions vary.
I know these things from my own experience. As a counselor, I do what I can to be open and accepting of everyone. As a bodybuilder, I have a certain visual appeal. Guys hit on me everywhere, all the time. Boy-next-door types. Ruggedly masculine guys. Virile, married men.
For a while it threw me, but now I see it's really no big deal -- just nature taking its course. But I have the benefit of many years and a measure of learning...
Whereas youngsters all too often only feel a Big Bad within them which they do not begin to comprehend and which frightens them into acting out -- striking out at those who seem to embody what they most fear in themselves.
52
Just four months later :-) What a lovely appealing young woman.
On a related note; I went to type in "It gets better project" into Google and I got as far as IT - the project was the very first result that came up. Hurray! Clearly the exposure has been fantastic!
On a related note; I went to type in "It gets better project" into Google and I got as far as IT - the project was the very first result that came up. Hurray! Clearly the exposure has been fantastic!
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