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News & ArtsThursday, September 2, 2010
Sex Don't Leave Your Drink Unattended
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Sep 2, 2010 at 12:27 PM
Or someone else might attend to it:
Recently, a man was arrested for ejaculating into a female coworker's water bottle on two different occasions. Once would have been bad enough, and he at least could have chosen something a little more inconspicuous to masturbate into like, oh I don't know, Sobe's popular coconut flavored drink "Lizzard Blizzard"? Anyway, the unfortunate female coworker unknowingly drank the infected water and fell ill both times, showing above all else that the guy really needs to re-think his eating habits. The second time she fell ill she decided to send in the water bottle to a lab for testing. They not only found the semen but somehow matched the DNA back to the offender and were able to bring him to justice.
More stories of public/horrific masturbation—including a pastor who got caught masturbating in the boy's underwear aisle at a dollar store—here.
5
So I guess the guys I used to work with weren't being particularly original when they referred to Sobe's "Lizzard Blizzard" (a cloudy white beverage" as "jizz juice."
7
I call bullshit on that story. We never find out anyone's name (in contrast to the other Ranker tales of self-abuse), exactly how or why she got sick from the guy's jizz nor the specifics of how the "lab" (that she went to for "testing") connected it all back to the masturbator. Just another urban myth for gullible CSI viewers.
8
@2, mystery solved. She didn't actually "fall ill"; the press release from the OC DA's office says "The victim, unaware of the bottle’s contents, drank the contaminated water. She threw it away after feeling sickened and irritated." The second time, she sent it to a lab. So I think she sort of knew what was going on.
11
A while back, a coworker had her son piss in her Dr. Pepper bottle. Why? Another coworker, Doyle, would constantly steal sips out of her pop when she had to walk to another area. Doyle was out of control. He even stole dog biscuits to eat. Our manager would never do anything to address his thefts. So Melinda had her 3yr son pee in a mostly filled soda bottle at home. the next day Doyle stole a chug. The manager came after my friend instead of Doyle. My friends reply was classic. "WTF? Maybe I like piss in my pop! That's not your fucking business. The fact he was drinking my pop IS!" Doyle never stole drinks from anybody's pop again.
12
@8, Ah okay, so it tasted foul and grossed her out. I was wondering how one load could cause food poisoning.
13
Some people are allergic to semen; one potential reaction of consuming it if you are allergic are digestive symptoms.
14
I'd like to think this was fake, but my office had a similar *unbelievable* incident I wish I weren't too paranoid to share involving bodily fluids and a male employee. Some people are just freaks.
16
Fake. If she threw the first bottle away how does anyone know it was connected with making her sick?
17
@7, his name is Michael Kevin Lallana of Fullerton, and he's been charged with releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault. He will be arraigned on the 14th.
http://www.orangecountyda.com/home/index…
http://www.orangecountyda.com/home/index…
20
@17: I stand (type?) corrected.
"releasing an offensive material"? Eesh...sounds even nastier when you put it that way.
"releasing an offensive material"? Eesh...sounds even nastier when you put it that way.
21
@20, I only found that because it sounded like bullshit to me too, but it turns out that's TMZ's fault, not reality's.
22
As for how they connected it to him, perhaps she suspected him, collected a sample of his DNA, and sent it along with the bottle for a match.
23
I would think this was an urban legend if not for the fact that, recently, here in the Washington DC area, a guy put his jizz in a spray bottle. He went around spraying women at grocery stores, and recorded it on his cellphone.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/con…
"The Montgomery County man accused of spraying semen from a bottle onto five female shoppers holds an undergraduate degree in criminal justice, worked as an armed guard at a government installation, trained as a body builder and, until recently, was known for his gentle manners.
Michael W. Edwards, 28, graduated in 2006 from the University of Maryland College Park, according to the registrar's office. He worked for a security firm and had a longtime girlfriend.
"He's never had any issues," his mother, Diane Edwards, said in an interview. "He grew up in the church."
But authorities said that Edwards is implicated in the latest three cases because of video recordings on his cellphone...."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/con…
"The Montgomery County man accused of spraying semen from a bottle onto five female shoppers holds an undergraduate degree in criminal justice, worked as an armed guard at a government installation, trained as a body builder and, until recently, was known for his gentle manners.
Michael W. Edwards, 28, graduated in 2006 from the University of Maryland College Park, according to the registrar's office. He worked for a security firm and had a longtime girlfriend.
"He's never had any issues," his mother, Diane Edwards, said in an interview. "He grew up in the church."
But authorities said that Edwards is implicated in the latest three cases because of video recordings on his cellphone...."
24
Better than drinking a drugged drink coming to(bu-dump-tshhh) with no kidneys.
And yes I'd have to agree, BS story!
The story of the pastor spunking in the kids shorts on the other hand....YUCK!
They really need to just let priests/pastors get some.
And yes I'd have to agree, BS story!
The story of the pastor spunking in the kids shorts on the other hand....YUCK!
They really need to just let priests/pastors get some.
27
Ya know, it's the old story - whack off as much as you want, that's your (and your partner's, if you have one, business). But when your hobbies are crossing over into the territory of INNOCENT PEOPLE, you are a) sick and need therapy and b) at least partially sociopathic and should pay for it somehow.
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