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News & ArtsMonday, August 16, 2010
TV True Blood: These Things I Believe
Posted by David Schmader on Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 12:03 PM
Hello Slogosphere! I am back from a week of vacation on the Virginia coast, where I spent my days splashing around in the Atlantic and my nights removing sand from my crannies and watching DVD-and-iTunes-supplied episodes of True Blood. My late-blooming interest in HBO's sexy vampire series was previously mentioned here. Now that I've seen a whole lot more of the show (just started Season 3!), I'd like to point out the following.
*All women who date vampires are annoying. Granted, True Blood's Sookie is nowhere near as drippy as Twilight's Bella—at least Sookie puts out—but that doesn't mean she doesn't annoy the fuck out of me. What do vampires see in these whiny drip girls?
*True Blood is ridiculous. Seriously, it's like Melrose Place with more blood and fucking, a fact that made itself known with the first of the show's 10,000 plot twists involving a STOOPID romantic misunderstanding and/or a character's ability to instantly process trauma. Still, fun!
*The primary pleasure of watching the show is determining your True Blood dream date. For many folks, this is vampire Eric (too pretty) or vampire Bill (weird wig) or Jason Stackhouse (too young and meth-y looking), but for me it is no one but Hoyt Fortenberry. (Don't argue with me.) However, if Sam Merlotte were to get a crew cut, he might take the lead. As for the ladies, the woman who plays Tara is a solid pillar of gorgeousness, but a terrible actress. (How many accents can one character have?)
*Seattle's Digital Kitchen makes glorious credit sequences.
1
Bella would put out if her controlling sparkly boyfriend would be willing to stick it in her.
Hoyt's my #1 too. Nom nom.
Hoyt's my #1 too. Nom nom.
4
Oh, you got it all wrong, Schmader. As velveeta-y as the werewolf subplot is (and seriously, Debbie? WHAT IS WITH THE 80s WALMART BITCH HAIR?!), Alcide is where it's at. Hubba x 2.
You're also wrong about Vampire Bill's hair: that's no wig, my friend. Dreadful, isn't it? Hard to believe Anna Paquin is actually going to marry that mop.
And finally, when has a straight actor made gay look so damn tasty and convincing? Lafayette is cream cheese frosting on a homemade carrot cake, baby.
You're also wrong about Vampire Bill's hair: that's no wig, my friend. Dreadful, isn't it? Hard to believe Anna Paquin is actually going to marry that mop.
And finally, when has a straight actor made gay look so damn tasty and convincing? Lafayette is cream cheese frosting on a homemade carrot cake, baby.
5
I keep trying to watch it and I keep not getting why anyone would want to watch it.
Watch Haven or The Glades or The Pacific instead. Those are good.
Watch Haven or The Glades or The Pacific instead. Those are good.
6
Sookie ("Suckie") and Bill ("Beel!") are easily as annoying as Allison and Billy from Melrose Place, so that's a very apt comparison.
7
Once again, I would like to reiterate how much I appreciate your posts. I love this show beyond rationale. I want to respond to a few of your points:
-Not that I disagree with your assessment regarding vampire girlfriends by any means, but in Bella's defense she WANTS to put out. It's the drippy vampire boyfriend who's not having it. That's kind of the premise of the entire series.
-I agree with you FULLY about the True Blood dream date, although I would just as happily f Terry, too. All of my friends think I'm weird.
-IS that a wig? I think Bill looks so bizarre, and I could never figure out why. Why is he wigged?!
-Jason Stackhouse is totally methy-looking.
-Not that I disagree with your assessment regarding vampire girlfriends by any means, but in Bella's defense she WANTS to put out. It's the drippy vampire boyfriend who's not having it. That's kind of the premise of the entire series.
-I agree with you FULLY about the True Blood dream date, although I would just as happily f Terry, too. All of my friends think I'm weird.
-IS that a wig? I think Bill looks so bizarre, and I could never figure out why. Why is he wigged?!
-Jason Stackhouse is totally methy-looking.
8
Whoa whoa whoa! The actor that plays LaFayette is STRAIGHT? Get that man a motherfucking award.
@4 is right about Alcide, of course, but I don't think Schmader has gotten to that point yet. He doesn't show up right at the beginning of season three, if I remember correctly.
Anna Paquin is marrying BILL? I knew she was getting married soon, but I didn't realize it was to him. Unfortunate.
@4 is right about Alcide, of course, but I don't think Schmader has gotten to that point yet. He doesn't show up right at the beginning of season three, if I remember correctly.
Anna Paquin is marrying BILL? I knew she was getting married soon, but I didn't realize it was to him. Unfortunate.
9
Hello! Regarding the wigginess of Bill: I have no proof that's a wig, I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Also, my Twilight knowledge is not complete enough to know about Bella's carnal desires. I just know that the extended scenes of Sookie doing it feature much less of her annoying dialogue, and there's no such relief in the PG-13 Twilight.
Also, my Twilight knowledge is not complete enough to know about Bella's carnal desires. I just know that the extended scenes of Sookie doing it feature much less of her annoying dialogue, and there's no such relief in the PG-13 Twilight.
11
Let's all take a quiet moment to think about how True Blood was nominated for a Best Drama Emmy and Friday Night Lights was not.
12
Schmader, I would have thought you would be in the Andy Bellefleur camp. He's dreamy...well, maybe that's pushing it.
13
There are some points in Season Two when Vampire Bill's Vampire Whiteface make up is so very unintentionally hilarious. I think that contributes to his wiggishness.
14
Terry FTW, y'all. He's the only one with a brain out of the lot of them.
Sookie is so much less annoying than the average vampire fucker (Anita Blake, how can you whine so much?). But anyway, Jessica is where the female attractiveness lies in True Blood.
Sookie is so much less annoying than the average vampire fucker (Anita Blake, how can you whine so much?). But anyway, Jessica is where the female attractiveness lies in True Blood.
15
Stackhouse is effing hot, period (although I agree that Merlotte has a certain thing about him that's sexee). Why anyone thinks Bill or Eric are attractive is beyond me. Bill is just weird looking, and Eric is so blond and...ugh...just unattractive.
And, I'll point out, the actor who plays Jason is Australian. Aus-fucking-stralian. Game. Over.
And, I'll point out, the actor who plays Jason is Australian. Aus-fucking-stralian. Game. Over.
18
14 and 17: Jessica's gorgeous, but that eternal hymen would be a drag. (Unless you're into that sort of thing.)
20
Sookie in the show is eighty zillion times more irritating than Sookie in the books. I blame the loss of the first-person narrative.
The actor who plays Eric isn't really pretty at all. He's sort of goofy-looking if you actually look at his features. But my love of book Eric is keeping me on that team for now. Oh, except I'm really on Team Lafayette. He is the best.
The actor who plays Eric isn't really pretty at all. He's sort of goofy-looking if you actually look at his features. But my love of book Eric is keeping me on that team for now. Oh, except I'm really on Team Lafayette. He is the best.
21
@12 Andy?! The cop? Seriously?! Maybe it's cus I'm a straight woman, but ew! No WAY! Also, I think the actor that plays Eric is hot in print ads I've seen from when he was modeling, but as Eric on the show - not attractive.
Jessica is the hot.
Jessica is the hot.
22
@16 And who could forget him as the adorable child molester in The Devil's Advocate?
...oh wait, no. Blech.
...oh wait, no. Blech.
23
Callie @ 21: Don't feel bad, you've got to have the schlub-loving gene to appreciate Andy...
And yes, Lafayette rules. He's the only character on the show I could imagine liking in real life.
And yes, Lafayette rules. He's the only character on the show I could imagine liking in real life.
25
seriously hot werewolf action in season 3, although they would be a lot hotter if they weren't clean shaven from the neck down. i mean they're fucking wolf-people, but they have no body hair. it just doesn't make sense.
27
Sorry, I'm going to have to go with Team Alcide (the actor Joe Manganiello). At 6'5" and that body, that guy is one tall drink of water.
32
Alcide, for the unaware, was Flash Thompson in Spider-Man. If you want to see a wee baby Joe Mangienallo get his ass kicked by Toby McGuire:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CO1v7Nmh…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CO1v7Nmh…
33
I liked Tara in the first season but she is turning into a whiney loon.
the only time I thought Bill was even slightly hot was when he was making that puppy Sam roll over and show his belly...... after all, I've heard the water in Alabama is HARRD.
the only time I thought Bill was even slightly hot was when he was making that puppy Sam roll over and show his belly...... after all, I've heard the water in Alabama is HARRD.
34
Wait, I forgot to say that I cant watch Jason Stackhouse without seeing a young George W Bush, for some reason;
I mean some other reason than every word out of his mouth is stupid and he thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
I mean some other reason than every word out of his mouth is stupid and he thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
36
@34 that is the beauty of Jason, though. Everything that comes out of his mouth IS stupid and in his mind he IS the greatest thing since sliced bread. And he's not afraid to ask the hard questions for the viewer.
“Do you think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg? Wouldn't that be weird, eating something that just came out of you?”
“Do you think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg? Wouldn't that be weird, eating something that just came out of you?”
37
Ever since Jason started wearing short-sleeved button-up shirts he has been a dead ringer for Dubya every single week. I can't stop thinking it either.
38
@8 all the best gays on TV are played by straight guys.
Not quite sure why - probably some element of the Forbidden Fruit thing going on.
Not quite sure why - probably some element of the Forbidden Fruit thing going on.
39
The credit sequence is by far the most over done and eye-roll worthy thing about True Blood. And that's saying a lot.
40
All I know is:
1) Being able to hear everyone's thoughts but your vampire boyfriend's is sooooo 90's (see: Buffy S3 episode "Earshot").
2) Anna Paquin is hot with a capital hot, even when they blonde her up.
3) I really oughta watch this show.
1) Being able to hear everyone's thoughts but your vampire boyfriend's is sooooo 90's (see: Buffy S3 episode "Earshot").
2) Anna Paquin is hot with a capital hot, even when they blonde her up.
3) I really oughta watch this show.
41
re: Jason is W.
Yep. Especially when he get religion and decides that all his past sins are gone and he can go shoot things. He seems like a pretty explicit parody of the "youthful indiscretions" crowd.
RE: Jessica's hymen. Couldn't she just wear some sort of vag-plug to keep it from healing over? It doesn't sound like the most comfortable thing in the world, but chicks wear heals in the interest of getting laid, so it seems within the realm of reason.
Yep. Especially when he get religion and decides that all his past sins are gone and he can go shoot things. He seems like a pretty explicit parody of the "youthful indiscretions" crowd.
RE: Jessica's hymen. Couldn't she just wear some sort of vag-plug to keep it from healing over? It doesn't sound like the most comfortable thing in the world, but chicks wear heals in the interest of getting laid, so it seems within the realm of reason.
43
I love the opening credits - sometimes they are better than the show, although I really love all the craziness this season. It turns out that I am more interested in vampire politics than in Beeel and Suckie's dumbass relationship. I do not care what Sookie is, because whatever it is, is annoying as hell.
44
Didn't read shit! Yet still absolutely sure all the fat chicks are excusing their obsession with make believe people by saying this or that justifies them plopping down on the couch for another hour.
Just stay there and do us all a favor, I guess.
Just stay there and do us all a favor, I guess.
46
Sorry peeps, but Joe Manganiellowhatsatony is spoken for, and he'll be my super Cali-hubby later this week--he's all mine forever and ever. No, there's nothing you can do, just try not to go totally insane from the jealously of knowing that all day and all night I've got both hands on that.
47
Welcome back, Dave. The Virginia coast sounds very nice.
Perhaps you prefer the way Ryan Kwanten looks during downtime (but I'm guessin' he's still not your type):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A1KkDqGS…
The gorgeous main title design was up for an Emmy last year but lost to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fcwSXxyq….
Perhaps you prefer the way Ryan Kwanten looks during downtime (but I'm guessin' he's still not your type):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A1KkDqGS…
The gorgeous main title design was up for an Emmy last year but lost to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fcwSXxyq….
48
@47's TUSoT's credits are actually pretty great, but even True Blood isn't the best currently. That would be either The Big Bang Theory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBAjIgjPe…
or Dexter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej8-Rqo-V…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBAjIgjPe…
or Dexter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej8-Rqo-V…
49
You guys know, of course, that Ryan Kwanten is in Spokane at the moment, filming "Knights of Badassdom." Filming wraps at the end of this week, but if you hang out in the lobby of the Davenport Hotel you might catch a sight of His Hotness.
51
@48:
Dexter's splendid main title won the 2007 Emmy. The accompanying theme music - which is wonderfully and appropriately creepy - was also nominated but lost to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkVOMrxNp….
The Big Bang Theory has been nominated in acting, art and technical direction, and makeup categories. NATAS didn't recognize its opening main title.
Dexter's splendid main title won the 2007 Emmy. The accompanying theme music - which is wonderfully and appropriately creepy - was also nominated but lost to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkVOMrxNp….
The Big Bang Theory has been nominated in acting, art and technical direction, and makeup categories. NATAS didn't recognize its opening main title.
52
@50 I'd give you that Lafayette is Hurley to Jason's lovechild of Sawyer-and-Miles, actually.
@51 the entirety of the Dexter score should be up every year. It's consistently the most moving and engrossing score on television. We just finally caught up on S4 and I'm actually giddy for S5, which almost never happens for me on TV. It's seriously like all the other dramatic TV actors are playing catch up to Michael Hall now, not to mention the cinematographers. Dexter outdoes even most feature films in being just plain stunning visually.
@51 the entirety of the Dexter score should be up every year. It's consistently the most moving and engrossing score on television. We just finally caught up on S4 and I'm actually giddy for S5, which almost never happens for me on TV. It's seriously like all the other dramatic TV actors are playing catch up to Michael Hall now, not to mention the cinematographers. Dexter outdoes even most feature films in being just plain stunning visually.
53
The King of Mississippi is oddly appealing, but more in a over-the-top entertainment way. For sheer eye candy, gotta go with my wolfman Alcide!
54
I'm to the point where I'm only curious about what Alan Ball will do with the characters, but don't really care about them anywhere near as much as I do for the characters in the books.
I am VERY interested in seeing how Ball's changes will play out and his take on vampire politics - especially in light of the latest episode.
I find it is best to just sit back and enjoy all the lovely eye-candy that Mr. Ball is supplying to us all.
I am VERY interested in seeing how Ball's changes will play out and his take on vampire politics - especially in light of the latest episode.
I find it is best to just sit back and enjoy all the lovely eye-candy that Mr. Ball is supplying to us all.
55
I love true blood!!! But sookie is incredibly annoying. Just read the books! I don't know why I love the show I guess you're right. Its all about the dream dates. Mine would be the always hunky eric but jason would be second. Even though I agree he does look methy.
56
I like Big Bang Theory as much as the next unrepentant geek, but to claim that their credits outdo True Blood's is ridonk.
57
@33 Whiney loon would be an extreme understatement. All she does is quiver and blink excessively, it's painful to watch.
60
Mr. Schmader, I humbly offer this rebuttal: You are off your fucking rocker. I get it, we disagree about My Favorite Show, and I suppose I grudgingly respect your opinion, or not. But it appears that you are on Season 3, which I am going to assume means you watched Season 2, and yet there is no mention of the delicious Michelle Forbes, or Kristin Bauer, whose icy, sarcastic, bitchy nasty Pam is one of the best things on TV EVER, and I guess you haven’t gotten to Talbot yet in your viewing, who is charming, humorous and catty. Also, Lettie Mae Thornton. Adina Porter freakin’ OWNS that role. And while I am no expert on Northern Louisiana accents, I love Rutina Wesley’s (Tara’s) attitude and delivery, and in Season 3, she fucking kicks serious ass and takes everyone’s names. I find Sophie-Anne absolutely irritating, and yet you offer no mention of her incredibly grating demeanor.
And do I really need to mention Franklin? Maybe you are not there yet. Godric? Stan (swoon)? In summary, yes, True Blood is ridiculous. It’s a show about vampires, maenads, werewolves and a bunch of other supes that I shall not mention, in case you are unfamiliar with the books. It's ridiculous, sexy, thrilling, campy, dramatic, and unique, and also one of the best shows I've seen on TV in a long time. (If you have distate for Anna Paquin’s Sookie, then the books would make you positively apoplectic. I think she does a good job of conveying the lead character of the books, without making you want to throw the book, or TV in this case, through the window, as I actually did with the second novel in the series. I enjoyed the first book, but I really had to force myself to finish the second. I believe it’s still in the alley behind my house where I tossed it, if you wish to retrieve it.)
In response to your question “What do vampires see in these whiny drip girls?”, all will be revealed.
And bitches, Bill is NOT wearing a wig.
More...
And do I really need to mention Franklin? Maybe you are not there yet. Godric? Stan (swoon)? In summary, yes, True Blood is ridiculous. It’s a show about vampires, maenads, werewolves and a bunch of other supes that I shall not mention, in case you are unfamiliar with the books. It's ridiculous, sexy, thrilling, campy, dramatic, and unique, and also one of the best shows I've seen on TV in a long time. (If you have distate for Anna Paquin’s Sookie, then the books would make you positively apoplectic. I think she does a good job of conveying the lead character of the books, without making you want to throw the book, or TV in this case, through the window, as I actually did with the second novel in the series. I enjoyed the first book, but I really had to force myself to finish the second. I believe it’s still in the alley behind my house where I tossed it, if you wish to retrieve it.)
In response to your question “What do vampires see in these whiny drip girls?”, all will be revealed.
And bitches, Bill is NOT wearing a wig.
61
I still think Six Feet Under had the best opening credits sequence- and it's obvious that the opening credits to Dexter, much like it's choice of lead actor, were inspired by SFU.
64
Lafayette is a preening, self serving gay/black cliché (I mean come on, a drug dealing tranny? FTW?!)- In short obnoxiously IRRITATING and if I may say so, smelly looking and fat...
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