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News & ArtsFriday, August 6, 2010
Chow / Books Mr. Cook to Bang Speaks!
Posted by Lindy West on Fri, Aug 6, 2010 at 2:32 PM
- Lisa Aileen Dragani
Alison Hallett at the Portland Mercury didn't enjoy the book either—she called it "thuddingly unfunny"—and, to my deep, deep jealousy, she received a response from the man himself. Their exchange is below.
Hi Allison,Apparently I have been out of the loop. A few friends of mine in Portland alerted me to an article you wrote about my book COOK TO BANG in your paper. At first I was flattered since I love Portland and Oregon as a whole. But after reading through, I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Mostly because we never had a chance to chat. The article came off as mean-spirited and one-sided as a result, but I'm glad it spurred some sort of dialogue.
So here's something that is not "thuddingly unfunny". I plan to visit my friends in your fine city next month. My hope is that we can perhaps sit down. Or better yet, let's engage in a challenge. Since you have publicly dismissed my prowess, it seems only fair that I get my day in court, fully documented by a camera crew. So I propose some sort of culinary challenge where I cook for one of my most vitriolic critics. Perhaps we can loop in your Asshole Cooking friend.
I look forward to your response.
Spencer Walker
AKA the Cook To Bang chef
Hey Spencer,To clarify: Is the premise of the proposed challenge that you cook me a meal and see if I'll fuck you afterward?
... Because that's actually pretty funny.
But what it boils down to for me is that I didn't like your book. I'm not interested in helping you to promote it. Any "challenge" scenario I can imagine seems like it would involve you cooking some pretty good food and me saying "yeah, that's pretty good," thus de facto endorsing a book that I, again, didn't think was that funny. (Sorry. I work for a humor paper. People tell me I'm not funny all the time.) Thanks for the offer, though.
Best,
Alison
Alison,I was trying to be civil and offer to cook for you, not sleep with you. My girlfriend would probably not be pleased, even in the name of publicity (your paper isn't big enough to risk it). Besides, I saw your pic online and let's just say you're not my type.
Sorry you didn't like my book. But your critique was far from the worst. I hope some day your wise words will reach bound print. Expect me in the front of the book signing line with a polite smile. I take it I won't see you at my book signing event at Lewis and Clark this fall?
Your pal,
Spencer
Yeesh. So much for civility.
Alison adds: "BRACE YOURSELF! Dude has taken to sending me links to interviews in which he alludes to our email exchange as an example of someone 'not getting' him. It's kind of awesome. We recently had even another email exchange that ended in him calling me 'spiteful, petty, and misinformed.'"
Oooh, Spencer! Write me! Write me! But just FYI, I get you. God, do I ever get you.
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you had me @ skanks.
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You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic. It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint)."
As satire, maybe. Like a frat boy version of the Onion's Smoove B, if he were white, and cooked. Judging from his blog, it kinda looks more like How to Turn Your Apartment Into the Downtown Kirkland TGI Friday's.
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I was just reading an article this week about how that's a perfectly acceptable closing.
Jeez.
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oh speaking of bj's and bets, if you want one I'll give you even odds that I won't bite off your micro-dick just for fun.
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Nitpick @3: Smoove does, in fact, cook: http://preview.tinyurl.com/35wkzdf . Never tried any of the recipes, though.
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Way to live up to our expectations, Spencer.
Those are the words of a malignantly narcissistic incessant self-googler. At least he has the tiny bit of self-awareness necessary to know that he should lie about it. Shamefully. And then cry about it.
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