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News & ArtsThursday, July 29, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Can He Keep His Fingers Erect? His Tongue? How About His Forearms?
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jul 29, 2010 at 3:09 PM
So my best friend who is 21 has been dating her 31 year old boyfriend for over a year. The problem? They have not had sex yet! Now, she certainly wants to, however he has some health issues and has some problems gaining and keeping an erection. Not only does he have diabetes that he does nothing to keep in check, he is also on methadone which is said to cause lower libido. They have looked into pharmaceutical fixes but they are too costly. Any advice on what they can do so they can finally have a real relationship? And if he isn't willing to try I've suggested that she ask him to allow her to get it elsewhere. Does that seem reasonable?
Girls Got Needs Too
My response after the jump...
••••••••••••
I'm curious, first off, why this letter came from you and not your best friend.
That said: if the pharmaceutical fixes are too costly, and his erections are too wonky, they could have sex like (most) of the lesbians do: without erections. (Well, without an erect cock—women also get erections—really!—but women's erections are, um, embedded. Subject for another SLLOTD.) They can have a "real relationship," a fully sexual relationship, with oral sex and mutual masturbation and fingering and fisting and—when his dick does kick into gear—they can enjoy penis-in-vagina intercourse for as long as he lasts.
And, yes, it seems reasonable for your best friend to seek permission to get it elsewhere—but you know me: I think getting it elsewhere, now and then, with your partner's permission, is reasonable even if your partner doesn't have health issues, wonky boners, and a methadone prescription.
And finally: when a partnered person has lots of issues that prevent him from having sex, and he isn't willing to work on those issues, it's often a sign that he isn't really interested in having sex—not with his partner, maybe not with anyone. But he still wants a partner. For the support, companionship, and intimacy. But many of these guys—and girls—aren't comfortable giving their partners permission to get it elsewhere, even though they have no interest in "it." Which is too bad. Lots of decent, loving, sexless relationships come to an end because people we're so hung up on monogamy, culturally, that even people who aren't interested in sex refuse to give their partners permission to seek it elsewhere.
1
Methadone can make erections difficult. But it really does if you're still using heroin. Just sayin'
Also, if fucking with your own real hard dick is so important, the expense of pharmaceuticals shouldn't be a problem. Prioritize and invest in some Cialis for the weekend.
Also, if fucking with your own real hard dick is so important, the expense of pharmaceuticals shouldn't be a problem. Prioritize and invest in some Cialis for the weekend.
4
@3, a non-sexual diabetic HEROIN ADDICT ten years her senior. Who isn't interested in working on his problems. I think I saw this guy on "What the Fuck Are You Thinking? America's Worst Boyfriends".
5
A recovering addict who's too ignorant or lazy to properly manage his diabetes? What a catch! I guess the "friend" should be grateful he's trying to work through his addiction.
6
Tell him to get that diabetes under control! You'd think he would take that as his body saying "Quit fucking around, I'm serious!". Diabetes a a big boner shrinker.
I still don't understand with the idea of open relationships how much slack do you give each other? I mean, is 1 time a year free pass for both partners adequate? A rule of 3-ways-only? Or do you just turn the other cheek and let your partner have a new one every other day? Should kissing be avoided?
I know "it depends", but is there any kind of general guidelines non-open-but-open-to-being-open amateur people can follow?
Or even a list of Don'ts would be adequate just so beginners don't completely fuck it up.
I still don't understand with the idea of open relationships how much slack do you give each other? I mean, is 1 time a year free pass for both partners adequate? A rule of 3-ways-only? Or do you just turn the other cheek and let your partner have a new one every other day? Should kissing be avoided?
I know "it depends", but is there any kind of general guidelines non-open-but-open-to-being-open amateur people can follow?
Or even a list of Don'ts would be adequate just so beginners don't completely fuck it up.
7
Just a point of note: methadone≠heroin addict. Methadone can be, and is, prescribed for a variety of other reasons. With all of the bad publicity surrounding Oxycontin, many doctors are turning to methadone because of its low-dosing frequency (which is all that Oxycontin really is -- oxycodone in a time-release formulary).
Also, methadone's (or any other opioid's) primary effect is not so much on the libido as it is physical ability to achieve/maintain an erection. And by many reports, methadone's affect is more pronounced than heroin's.
Also, methadone's (or any other opioid's) primary effect is not so much on the libido as it is physical ability to achieve/maintain an erection. And by many reports, methadone's affect is more pronounced than heroin's.
9
So, let's see... the guy's older, diabetic, an unrecovered junkie, and he doesn't take care of himself.
You didn't say "DTMFA" loudly enough, Dan.
You didn't say "DTMFA" loudly enough, Dan.
10
He sounds like a pity case. She stays out of pity. Why pity someone who doesn't really give a fuck about themselves? Get out. Run away. He's only trouble and will get worse! DTMFA!!!!
12
@7, fair enough -- but methadone is itself a freakishly addictive drug. Some say harder to kick than heroin. Which makes him still an addict, and not a recovering one either.
16
At least 2 great boner-related band names from this post and thread:
Wonky Boners
Big Boner Shrinker
Mmmmmm.. I think I'm liking the first one better, actually.
And, yeah, what everyone else said: DTMFA.
Wonky Boners
Big Boner Shrinker
Mmmmmm.. I think I'm liking the first one better, actually.
And, yeah, what everyone else said: DTMFA.
18
Um, if they were really going to have sex the way Real Lesbians have sex, she'd also get equal play to fuck him with her own strap-on. just sayin'.
19
Last estimates I've seen put the number of people receiving methadone as a form of treatment for opiate addiction in the US (note: not all heroin addicts, and increasingly prescription opiate addicts) at just north of 125,000.
In 1998 there were about 531,000 prescriptions written for methadone. By 2006 over 4.1 million prescriptions written. The number today is most certainly significantly higher.
This guy well may be an ex-heroin user for all I know, but the odds that he is are actually quite small.
The days of equating methadone with treatment for opiate addiction died in the very early 1990s.
In 1998 there were about 531,000 prescriptions written for methadone. By 2006 over 4.1 million prescriptions written. The number today is most certainly significantly higher.
This guy well may be an ex-heroin user for all I know, but the odds that he is are actually quite small.
The days of equating methadone with treatment for opiate addiction died in the very early 1990s.
20
So many red flags flew up in her letter, I stopped reading the words. I think the last one I caught was "methadone." Yeah, I also liked the "my best friend has a problem" line. I wouldn't DTMFA, because it sounds like she's just as screwed up as her bf.
Oh, and please edit the "we're" in your last sentence, Dan. Thanks much!
Oh, and please edit the "we're" in your last sentence, Dan. Thanks much!
21
What's her major psych issue that she's willing to put up with someone 50% her senior who can't get it up? The problem is her. Why is she with him?
22
@ #6 I still don't understand with the idea of open relationships how much slack do you give each other?
Most couples I know of who have an understanding of an open relationship just agree from the beginning that temptation will occur for either or both parties, and opportunities will present themselves. They allow each other to cave to temptation with the understanding that neither will betray each other emotionally by allowing themselves to fall in love with another person.
With that being said, all of these couples have told me that because the taboo of "cheating" is gone, and the pressure to stay monogamous has been lifted, the desire to actually give in to temptation is far less. There's often more fidelity among the "open relationships" than the so-called "monogamous" ones I know.
Most couples I know of who have an understanding of an open relationship just agree from the beginning that temptation will occur for either or both parties, and opportunities will present themselves. They allow each other to cave to temptation with the understanding that neither will betray each other emotionally by allowing themselves to fall in love with another person.
With that being said, all of these couples have told me that because the taboo of "cheating" is gone, and the pressure to stay monogamous has been lifted, the desire to actually give in to temptation is far less. There's often more fidelity among the "open relationships" than the so-called "monogamous" ones I know.
23
What are you doing? What what WHAT are you doing? DTMFA. There are soooo many other guys out there that DO NOT NEED RESCUING BY YOU. Read that last sentence again.
25
@22:
That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. "betray each other emotionally by allowing themselves to fall in love with another person"? That's not always something you can help, and I don't understand how that could be seen as a betrayal. And even if you fall for someone else, that doesn't have to end your relationship. Much as I like open relationships, I'm not cool with putting a barrier like that up with other people.
That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. "betray each other emotionally by allowing themselves to fall in love with another person"? That's not always something you can help, and I don't understand how that could be seen as a betrayal. And even if you fall for someone else, that doesn't have to end your relationship. Much as I like open relationships, I'm not cool with putting a barrier like that up with other people.
26
#25 - Nickadoo was just stating what s/he knows about the open relationships around him. As it happens, my husband and I have the same kind of deal - we can have some fun, but we have agreed not to fool around with anyone we would want to seriously date if we were single. That doesn't mean that there isn't any emotional attachment at all, but that, to us, it is important to focus our romantic love only on one another. Yes, it is always possible that someone could fall in love with someone else (just as monogamous people do) but we do our best to avoid that. I have made a commitment to him and to our life together, so even if a guy came along who might be "better" for me, I am not interested.
If you feel comfortable simultaneously carrying on serious romantic relationships with more than one person, and the other people in your life are comfortable with that as well, then go ahead. I have heard of this, but it certainly seems to be much less common.
p.s. I am in the DTMFA crowd on this guy - he sounds like a bad choice in oh, so many ways.
If you feel comfortable simultaneously carrying on serious romantic relationships with more than one person, and the other people in your life are comfortable with that as well, then go ahead. I have heard of this, but it certainly seems to be much less common.
p.s. I am in the DTMFA crowd on this guy - he sounds like a bad choice in oh, so many ways.
27
Let's look at this from his side - he is 31, diabetic, and has been in a year-long relationship with a 21 year old woman who is putting up with his lack of sex. Dude has a great deal going.
WTF is a 30 year old guy doing dating a 20 year old? I pulled that in one relationship (I was 18, he was 28) and the kind of guy who will date that much younger AT THAT AGE is not going to be really mature. There is supposed to be a lot of growing up from 20 to 30 and if he has is at that maturity level, its not worth it. DTMFA.
WTF is a 30 year old guy doing dating a 20 year old? I pulled that in one relationship (I was 18, he was 28) and the kind of guy who will date that much younger AT THAT AGE is not going to be really mature. There is supposed to be a lot of growing up from 20 to 30 and if he has is at that maturity level, its not worth it. DTMFA.
28
At 21, this young woman is saddling herself with some pretty serious baggage that DOESN'T EVEN BELONG TO HER. First, some therapy to work on her self-esteem!
29
This guy is still a junkie. He just gets it in pills rather than junk off the street. He only takes care of himself enough to get his methadone fix, but somehow cannot spring a few bucks for some boner pills or at the very least do something about his diabetes. DTMFA. Dating a loser does not make you "deep" or "compassionate."
31
Speaking as someone is who is currently on hemodialysis, if her "friends" boyfriend is diabetic and not controlling it, the least of his problems is a wonky boner! The center I go to for hemo is almost exculsively diabetics, many missing legs, blind, and obviously, in kidney failure. This 21-year old should think long and hard over the long-term ramifications of staying with someone she will most likely be a primary caregiver for if he continues to ignore his health issues. And believe me, sex, even if all your parts are working, is not high on the list of activities when you're on dialysis.
She should DTMFA!
She should DTMFA!
32
If he's 31 and type 2 diabetic (which he probably is), he's almost certainly overweight as well. Vegetables, lean meat, more vegetables, 1 hour of exercise a day (at least a vigorous walk), more vegetables, and lay the fuck off starch and (especially) simple sugar. No soda, no fruit juice, ever. Go easy on beer and wine.
I *promise* the circulation to his dick will improve, as will his glucose control.
If he's not willing to do that much for himself (never mind the GF), then DTMFA.
I *promise* the circulation to his dick will improve, as will his glucose control.
If he's not willing to do that much for himself (never mind the GF), then DTMFA.
33
@5 "a non-sexual diabetic HEROIN ADDICT ten years her senior." who's too broke to get some fucking viagra and unwilling to do ANYTHING at all to fix any of his problems.
34
At the very least, this woman should put the relationship on hold and make a condition that she'll only come back to him if he takes serious steps to take care of his health. 31 is much too young to have such severe health problems (if they're partly self-inflicted, at least) and he's showing he doesn't really care that much about her by doing nothing to improve the situation. The letter didn't mention what any of his good points might be, so it's not clear whether this relationship is worth saving in the 1st place.
@6 the guidelines for open relationships are determined by whatever makes the partners feel comfortable/uncomfortable, or what they find hot. So one would have to do some soul-searching & discuss it with one's partner. Some typical "rules" might be: You can sleep with another person if you ask first & get my permission, or if you tell me about it afterward, or if you DON'T tell me about it afterward; you can sleep with only people we know, or only with people who are outside our social circle. A person might require that their partner only fool around with established fuck-buddies & request permission before adding anyone new. "3-ways only" is also a possible requirement. Most partners tend to object to their SO being gone for long periods of time, developing strong feelings for someone new, or doing high-risk-for-STD activities. Ideally you should be able to renegotiate at any time, & veto anything that makes you feel bad.
@6 the guidelines for open relationships are determined by whatever makes the partners feel comfortable/uncomfortable, or what they find hot. So one would have to do some soul-searching & discuss it with one's partner. Some typical "rules" might be: You can sleep with another person if you ask first & get my permission, or if you tell me about it afterward, or if you DON'T tell me about it afterward; you can sleep with only people we know, or only with people who are outside our social circle. A person might require that their partner only fool around with established fuck-buddies & request permission before adding anyone new. "3-ways only" is also a possible requirement. Most partners tend to object to their SO being gone for long periods of time, developing strong feelings for someone new, or doing high-risk-for-STD activities. Ideally you should be able to renegotiate at any time, & veto anything that makes you feel bad.
35
What @32 said, minus the lean meat. See: http://veganhope.com/2010/07/23/what-hap… her story is pretty inspiring.
36
For those of you citing the age difference as one of the drawbacks:
Have you SEEN younger guys these days? Or ever? Give me a fucking break. Boys should barely even be let out of the house before age 27 -- and if they do go, they should date older women who will be willing to slap some sense into them. Some of us younger women are tired of having to 'crate train' our male peers and much prefer to date up. Maybe one day I'll return the favor by breaking in some young idiot so his future girlfriends will benefit.
Have you SEEN younger guys these days? Or ever? Give me a fucking break. Boys should barely even be let out of the house before age 27 -- and if they do go, they should date older women who will be willing to slap some sense into them. Some of us younger women are tired of having to 'crate train' our male peers and much prefer to date up. Maybe one day I'll return the favor by breaking in some young idiot so his future girlfriends will benefit.
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