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News & ArtsMonday, July 19, 2010
Savage Love Where Can You Find The Happily Monogamous?
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jul 19, 2010 at 4:22 PM
A commenter on today's "SL Letter of the Day" accuses me of favoring questions from non-monogamous readers over those from "happily monogamous" readers in order to advance my pernicious pro-adultery agenda. Setting aside the fact that people who are happily partnered—monogamously or not—aren't going to write me seeking advice, the record clearly demonstrates the accusation to be groundless and without merit. Here are the last ten SLLOTDs:
1. Non-Monogamous (But One Partner Might Be Happier In a Monogamous Relationship).
2. Monogamous (But Husband Cheating).
3. Presumably Monogamous (But Deeply Creepy).
4. Monogamous.
5. Monogamous (But Raped).
6. Presumably Monogamous (And Deeply Offended).
7. Monogamous.
9. Non-Monogamous (But One Partner Might Be Happier In a Monogamous Relationship).
10. Monogamy Not Relevant (But Letter From a Lesbian and Lesbians Are Likelier to Be Monogamous Than Gay Or Straight Readers).
Where can you find the happily-and-not-happily monogamous? Right here, fairly represented, and lovingly tended to, by yours truly. The full SLLOTD archives are here.
1
Isn't it a ridiculous accusation in the first place considering people with no problems won't be writing to you?
2
DAN!! Print letters from happy monogamists, you biased piece of shit! While you are at it, print letters from happy non-monogamists. And letters from happy protagonists and happy antagonists and make sure they are all kinky as shit and loaded with things I've never heard of.
4
Stop defending yourself Dan, it's your column, print and write whatever the fuck you want... if Confluence has a problem with it, she can start her own sex advice column.
5
Dan,
Speaking as a rather happy and romantically well-adjusted hetero serial monagamist in a long-term marriage of 8 years this November, please keep on printing the messed up stuff. Like television, a series of a happy couple doing happy couple things all the long happy hour of the show would be very happy, but I'd rather watch double-rainbow double-raped CSI-Miami style stuff with an over-the-top letter saying "WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!" as it puts on sunglasses at the end.
Thanks,
Me
Speaking as a rather happy and romantically well-adjusted hetero serial monagamist in a long-term marriage of 8 years this November, please keep on printing the messed up stuff. Like television, a series of a happy couple doing happy couple things all the long happy hour of the show would be very happy, but I'd rather watch double-rainbow double-raped CSI-Miami style stuff with an over-the-top letter saying "WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!" as it puts on sunglasses at the end.
Thanks,
Me
6
I am a bad person. By the time I got to your phrase "Monogamous (But Raped)" I was giggling madly.
7
I was going to say something to the effect of the above, but now it seems repetitive.
I will say that while I am happily married, gay, and monogamous the scenario of doing the gang bang (the commenter that pointed out how hot it is to watch you partner's enjoyment did me for me) convinced me of how wow that could be...
Well, I'll be well laid tonight.
I will say that while I am happily married, gay, and monogamous the scenario of doing the gang bang (the commenter that pointed out how hot it is to watch you partner's enjoyment did me for me) convinced me of how wow that could be...
Well, I'll be well laid tonight.
9
O Yea! Peolple send in a ton of happy letters. I but it make a good column, call it Happy News. We'd read that everyday totally!
12
Some people may think they're in happy monogamous relationships, but chances are they're not:
according to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, approximately 50 percent of married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some time in their marriage. And since it is unlikely that the people having affairs are married to each other in every case, the current statistics on the percentage of married couples who cheat on each other means that someone is having an affair in nearly 80 percent of marriages.
13
@12: If a friend told you that he had eaten a bagel for breakfast every day for ten years, but that he was now sick of bagels, and would start eating toast instead, would you claim that that he was never really happy eating bagels? My guess is that no, you wouldn't say that, because that makes no sense. And yet you're making the same claim about monogamy when, as far as you know, all those people who had affairs were perfectly happy with their marriages right up until the day that they decided to cheat.
I've seen worse, though. Some people use the statistics like the ones you posted to "prove" that, in essence, eating the same thing every morning for one's entire life is not only unlikely, but unnatural. It's amazing how people's capacity for rational thought goes out the window the moment the subject turns to sex.
I've seen worse, though. Some people use the statistics like the ones you posted to "prove" that, in essence, eating the same thing every morning for one's entire life is not only unlikely, but unnatural. It's amazing how people's capacity for rational thought goes out the window the moment the subject turns to sex.
14
@13: It's not that the relationships aren't happy, just that they're not actually monogamous. Good job thinking rationally, there.
15
I'm late to the party. But, I feel like putting my $0.02 in.
Hey Dan,
It is your column. Answer the questions you want. You're never going to make everyone of us happy. And, sometimes people just need something to bitch about, so try not to let it get you down or drive you to defend yourself too often.
A wise man once told me not to wrestle with people who are both covered with and full of shit. He reminded me that I get covered in shit while wrestling, even when I win. While it is true that shit makes an excellent fertilizer and can inspire new growth. Too much can burn. I think that wise man was correct.
Virtual hug being sent your way.
Fondly,
k
Hey Dan,
It is your column. Answer the questions you want. You're never going to make everyone of us happy. And, sometimes people just need something to bitch about, so try not to let it get you down or drive you to defend yourself too often.
A wise man once told me not to wrestle with people who are both covered with and full of shit. He reminded me that I get covered in shit while wrestling, even when I win. While it is true that shit makes an excellent fertilizer and can inspire new growth. Too much can burn. I think that wise man was correct.
Virtual hug being sent your way.
Fondly,
k
16
Why the fuck do people give a shit whether another couple is or isn't monogamous? Worry about what works or doesn't work for your own relationship and stop worrying about what makes other couples tick. It's nobody's fucking business. This monogamous v. Nonmonogamous argument is so damn old and tired.
17
What I don't get is that she was complaining on a post where you basically said, "Stop that nonmonogamy right now! Take a break, find a therapist, and see whether you can really be nonmonogamous in a way that's safe for your girlfriend."
I don't think she actually reads your columns. I think she just scans for keywords and assumes she knows what you've said.
I don't think she actually reads your columns. I think she just scans for keywords and assumes she knows what you've said.
18
Amen, igub @16. This issue has been debated, exacerbated, shot, pissed on and left for dead a dozen times already.
This crap is getting really, really old Dan. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
This crap is getting really, really old Dan. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
19
@15 Kim, or, another way to look at it:
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig."
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig."
20
You know how government senators or maybe some fundamentalist preacher guy goes on and on and on saying about the awfulness of homos---- and we all say something like "Why are you spending so much time on this? Oooh - it's because you don't truly believe what you are saying all the time. You're protesting a little too hard to make me believe you."
Secure people don't need to make everyone agree with them.
And also Dan --- please stop saying you defend monogamy when you don't. Saying something is unnnatural and people who do it are deluding themselves is not really defending the concept. The whole thing on whicc letters you publish is rather moot. It's your column/blog, so post away. Those letters are more interesting to read than the boring monogamy-types anyway.
Secure people don't need to make everyone agree with them.
And also Dan --- please stop saying you defend monogamy when you don't. Saying something is unnnatural and people who do it are deluding themselves is not really defending the concept. The whole thing on whicc letters you publish is rather moot. It's your column/blog, so post away. Those letters are more interesting to read than the boring monogamy-types anyway.
21
@Kim #14, I agree, my favorite version of that is: "Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Not sure who said that but it's so true!
@Dan, just chiming in as a relatively happy, married, monogamous, hetero. I love your column, I learn something new all the time. Sometimes I try those things out with my DH, but mostly we are too tired by the end of the day. I think, like most of us family types, the biggest obstacle to sex in our house is lack of opportunity and probably planning. I just don't understand where those CPOSs find the time!
@Dan, just chiming in as a relatively happy, married, monogamous, hetero. I love your column, I learn something new all the time. Sometimes I try those things out with my DH, but mostly we are too tired by the end of the day. I think, like most of us family types, the biggest obstacle to sex in our house is lack of opportunity and probably planning. I just don't understand where those CPOSs find the time!
22
@15, 19, 21: Interestingly, this is increasingly how I have come to regard Dan's self-aggrandizement.
Once in a while, he writes something thoughtful, illuminating, and selfless. Those are rare times I tend to remember fondly and hope to see more of. But up until now, I had not really considered that saying, Kim, in quite that way. Taken a step further, the more people who watch the wrestling tussle in which you electively engage will be the more people who see you with shit on your body after tussling with the one who is both full of such, spouting such, and is covered by such. In the end, more people will remember that now you too stink.
Dead serious here. :/
Once in a while, he writes something thoughtful, illuminating, and selfless. Those are rare times I tend to remember fondly and hope to see more of. But up until now, I had not really considered that saying, Kim, in quite that way. Taken a step further, the more people who watch the wrestling tussle in which you electively engage will be the more people who see you with shit on your body after tussling with the one who is both full of such, spouting such, and is covered by such. In the end, more people will remember that now you too stink.
Dead serious here. :/
23
Excellent point, @20. Secure and happy people with normal selfesteem dont need everyone agreeing with them. Actually, the variety of everything, including opinions and views is the spice of life. Discovering differences and learning to enjoy them is great.
I'll throw one more on the subkect of pigs and shit. Don't mudwrestle with the pig,- you both will get terribly dirty plus the pig will enjoy it ;)
I'll throw one more on the subkect of pigs and shit. Don't mudwrestle with the pig,- you both will get terribly dirty plus the pig will enjoy it ;)
24
What on earth would be the point of printing letters of happily monogamous couples? It's nice to see a sucess story now and then, but this is an advice column. I read it for two reasons:
What if I end up in a similiar situation? and morbid curiousity. Not to read fairy tales.
What if I end up in a similiar situation? and morbid curiousity. Not to read fairy tales.
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