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Monday, July 19, 2010

Life Dick Cheney's Heart

Posted by Eli Sanders on Mon, Jul 19, 2010 at 1:26 PM

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.

The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.

Comments (40) RSS

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Zoooombie!!!

Posted by subwlf on July 19, 2010 at 1:29 PM

It's strange how the universe manages to arrange it's own poetry... Dick Cheney has no pulse.
We knew that a long time ago, we knew what a heartless bastard he is. Now the universe is manifesting it....

Posted by Vlad on July 19, 2010 at 1:30 PM

What a waste of taxpayer money.

Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on July 19, 2010 at 1:33 PM

Science, you are just the worst.

Posted by Postureduck on July 19, 2010 at 1:38 PM

Cyborgey.
Or is it cyborgie? Cyborgy rhymes with orgy and I don't like to think of Dick cheney in that context.

Posted by thatsnotright on July 19, 2010 at 1:41 PM

One step closer to actually being Darth Vader.

Posted by bluefawx on July 19, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Why hasn't he had to stand in front of one of Obama's death panels? I am outraged at this misuse of our money.

Posted by alejo699 on July 19, 2010 at 2:09 PM

The day his surgery was first announced, a cardiovascular surgeon went on Rachel Maddow and showed the device. It was really interesting. He has to carry extra battery packs with him at all times, and he's plugged into the wall at night.

Posted by Canadian Nurse on July 19, 2010 at 2:10 PM

Waste of taxpayer money, huh?

Well, I just hope that when I express the same sentiment during the demise of a Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Joe Biden, or a Barack Obama I'll get no flack for it.

Posted by raindrop on July 19, 2010 at 2:15 PM

The NYT article also suggests he may have to take an anticoagulant called 'warfarin.' No joke.

Posted by Jay Pee on July 19, 2010 at 2:15 PM

Jesus, he really is a zombie, isn't he?

The doctor who implanted the device and thus saved his life is an enemy of civilization.

Posted by Fnarf

on July 19, 2010 at 2:16 PM

I hear next he's planning to have an exo-skeletal battle suit built for himself.

"War Machine" has a new owner...

Posted by COMTE

on July 19, 2010 at 2:23 PM

This is so deliciously creepy. The mental image of Cheney plugging himself in every night to recharge is AMAZING (in that OH SHIT NO way).

Posted by Jessica on July 19, 2010 at 2:25 PM

Ahahahahaha! Well, he never had the "pulse" of American did he? This explains absolutely everything.

Posted by Squidia on July 19, 2010 at 2:30 PM

Dick Cheney: making satire superfluous since (at a minimum) 1999.

(That said, this is nifty technology.)

Posted by Doctor Memory

on July 19, 2010 at 2:35 PM

And it happened with his government provided healthcare. Didn't cost him a penny!

Posted by gttim on July 19, 2010 at 2:39 PM

I'm confused. I thought Dick had three backups to help push his hemolymph around...

Posted by venomlash on July 19, 2010 at 2:43 PM

More socialized medicine for those who claim to hate it.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on July 19, 2010 at 2:48 PM

I'm just hoping we can keep him alive until they grow some balls at The Hague and try his ass for war crimes. And hey, if he never dies, that might just give us enough time for my dream to come true.

Posted by OuterCow on July 19, 2010 at 2:50 PM

@Fnarf
Wait, wasn't Jesus a zombie too?

Posted by Thunderbird on July 19, 2010 at 3:14 PM

That poor heart keeps trying to kill the evil drone it's stuck in, but so far to no avail....

Posted by Mr. X on July 19, 2010 at 3:37 PM

As others have observed, we have to pray to the FSM that Darth Cheney hangs on until 12:01 am, January 1, 2011, since there’s no DEATH TAX in 2010.

We can’t have his horrid heirs benefitting too much from his life of crime.

Posted by Original Andrew on July 19, 2010 at 3:53 PM

@ 9,

Are Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Joe Biden, and Barack Obama responsible for the deaths of half a million innocent men, women and children in Iraq and Afghanistan?

Oh, well I guess they are in many ways, legally and morally. Carry on.

Posted by Original Andrew on July 19, 2010 at 3:56 PM

@2

Exactly. It is strange, but it happens more often than you'd think. Cheney doesn't have a pulse, and what's killing him is his lack of functioning heart. It's too perfect.

Posted by Confluence on July 19, 2010 at 3:58 PM

Wait, he had a pulse before? Weird.
Man, sometimes it's just time to go.

Posted by treacle on July 19, 2010 at 4:11 PM

Meanwhile more than 2 million American citizens have no unemployment insurance thanks to the very same GOP that created the two wars of foreign adventure that have bankrupted America, all so that China and Russia could get cheap resources with our soldiers' blood paving the way.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on July 19, 2010 at 4:11 PM

I'm only surprised to hear that Darth Cheney actually still had a pulse before this operation. At this rate, the fucker will probably live forever, assuming that science can keep coming up with new parts faster than his old ones give out.

Posted by Reverse Polarity on July 19, 2010 at 4:32 PM

This is nothing but the first step in Dick Cheney's inevitable transformation into Skynet.

Posted by ohbalto on July 19, 2010 at 4:44 PM

Fuck Darth Vader. Cheney is obviously Mr. Burns.

Posted by Excellent on July 19, 2010 at 5:26 PM

"I thought we weren't using the Zed word!"
Darth Cheney...Done. (Mr. Burns a close 2nd..DUH!)

Posted by Clarence42 on July 19, 2010 at 5:56 PM

Fascinating! I didn't even know Chaney had a heart.

Posted by Weekilter on July 19, 2010 at 6:12 PM

He has to carry extra battery packs with him at all times, and he's plugged into the wall at night

So what you're saying is that now he lives like pretty much anyone under the age of 25.

Posted by Furcifer on July 19, 2010 at 8:35 PM

Hey, maybe ole Dick could become a part of the Bodies Exhibit when he finally kicks. I'd pay good money to see him in his Dr. Evil wheelchair.

Posted by Sometimes the Future brings Good Things on July 19, 2010 at 10:48 PM

YOU CANNOT KILL THE UNDEAD

Posted by Nelson Bradley on July 20, 2010 at 7:43 AM

fuck a dick and not in the good way

Posted by masgroovy on July 20, 2010 at 8:26 AM

"He might, he half jestingly said, some day teach me to live - or at least to possess some kind of conscious existence - without any heart at all! For his part, he was afflicted with a complication of maladies requiring a very exact regimen which included constant cold..."

Posted by Bruce Garrett