âWhat do lesbians do when theyâre on their period? They fingerpaint.ââWhat does Siegfried have in common with the tiger? They both know what Roy tastes like.â
âThink of the name of your truck. Does it end in an A? Then youâre gay.â
âYou know why thereâs not a 6 Flags in Mexico City? Because you have to be this tall to ride the rides.â
âComedians need meaning. If I say a Jew and an Indian walk into a bar, you have to think the same thing I do: One of âem donât wanna pay, the other one canât handle their alcohol.â
âIn the old days, God used to talk to people all the time. But not anymore. Itâs hard to believe in a God who doesnât talk to you.â (weird moment of theological melancholy)
âQuit following fags, fads, and fashions just because youâre insecure.ââThis is how we know God is a manâhe made dirt. Women woulda never made dirt. Sheâda made carpet.â
âYou read your Bible?â
âYEAH!â
âWell then you know that in the beginning, God made a manâs world. It was cool. There were places to hunt and fish, no women around to nag. It was great. But with no women around to bitch at âem, the men never finished a job!ââThatâs why theyâre called houseKEEPERS!â (because when you get divorced, the woman KEEPS the house)
âThe boys are wearinâ earrings! Be a MAN. These women NEED men!â
âSomeone to follow around behind men and pick up your underwear.â (the definition of a woman)
âIâm gonna tell you facts. Weâre gonna come to conclusions. And youâre not gonna be afraid to think.â
âItâs American to be an individual. Communists think the same thing and wear a uniform.â
âArenât you Christian? Donât you believe in the Spirit?â (on the pointlessness of upholstering coffins)
âThatâs our problem todayânobody knows nothinâ âcause nobody wants to say anything. âCept for that general over there in Afghanistan.â
âWOOOOOOOOO!!!ââYou saw the picturesâall they had to do was be naked on all fours wearing a dog collar. It made me proud of our lesbians in uniform.â (on prisoner abuse in Abu Ghraib)
âYou canât say nothinâ in the schoolsâcanât even PRAY. They could pray in the closetsâthe gays are outta there!â
âNow kids are learning YOGA in schoolâstudying Arab crazy shit religions. Or is it India? I donât know.â
âI donât know why them Arabs think theyâre so smart coming up with that numbers system.â
âPull it up over your pooper holeâ (context unknown)
âI can really only tell the difference between a telephone and a snowman.â (context unknown)
âA man goes to the toilet in the dark like a Polack in a minefield.â (context unknown)
âMen donât wanna spend no money. Women wanna spend it ALL.â
Teaching an audience member how to properly crouch like a rabbit: âYou canât stand up too highâthatâs kangaroo. And you canât get too lowâthatâs Korean.â
âWhy is a condom like your wife? They spend more time in your wallet and less time on your dick.â (told by an audience member who received a standing ovation)
âBecause thereâs Mexicans, now theyâve got Spanish food at the grocery store.â
Gallagher will not hire a Mexican laborer to work on his house because âtheir own homes are shit shacks!â
Singing: âObama bin Laden/On top of his noggin/Pull down his pants and smack his Moslem bottom.â