• Keat Teoh
In case you just can't get enough of the wacky world of Gallagher, I typed up all the right-wing, homo-obsessed, crazybrains "jokes" that I didn't have room for in my article. Enjoy, if you're into that sort of thing:

“What do lesbians do when they’re on their period? They fingerpaint.”

“What does Siegfried have in common with the tiger? They both know what Roy tastes like.”

“Think of the name of your truck. Does it end in an A? Then you’re gay.”

“You know why there’s not a 6 Flags in Mexico City? Because you have to be this tall to ride the rides.”

“Comedians need meaning. If I say a Jew and an Indian walk into a bar, you have to think the same thing I do: One of ‘em don’t wanna pay, the other one can’t handle their alcohol.”

“In the old days, God used to talk to people all the time. But not anymore. It’s hard to believe in a God who doesn’t talk to you.” (weird moment of theological melancholy)

“Quit following fags, fads, and fashions just because you’re insecure.”

“This is how we know God is a man—he made dirt. Women woulda never made dirt. She’da made carpet.”

“You read your Bible?”
“Well then you know that in the beginning, God made a man’s world. It was cool. There were places to hunt and fish, no women around to nag. It was great. But with no women around to bitch at ‘em, the men never finished a job!”

“That’s why they’re called houseKEEPERS!” (because when you get divorced, the woman KEEPS the house)

“The boys are wearin’ earrings! Be a MAN. These women NEED men!”

“Someone to follow around behind men and pick up your underwear.” (the definition of a woman)

“I’m gonna tell you facts. We’re gonna come to conclusions. And you’re not gonna be afraid to think.”

“It’s American to be an individual. Communists think the same thing and wear a uniform.”

“Aren’t you Christian? Don’t you believe in the Spirit?” (on the pointlessness of upholstering coffins)

“That’s our problem today—nobody knows nothin’ ‘cause nobody wants to say anything. ‘Cept for that general over there in Afghanistan.”

“You saw the pictures—all they had to do was be naked on all fours wearing a dog collar. It made me proud of our lesbians in uniform.” (on prisoner abuse in Abu Ghraib)

“You can’t say nothin’ in the schools—can’t even PRAY. They could pray in the closets—the gays are outta there!”

“Now kids are learning YOGA in school—studying Arab crazy shit religions. Or is it India? I don’t know.”

“I don’t know why them Arabs think they’re so smart coming up with that numbers system.”

“Pull it up over your pooper hole” (context unknown)

“I can really only tell the difference between a telephone and a snowman.” (context unknown)

“A man goes to the toilet in the dark like a Polack in a minefield.” (context unknown)

“Men don’t wanna spend no money. Women wanna spend it ALL.”

Teaching an audience member how to properly crouch like a rabbit: “You can’t stand up too high—that’s kangaroo. And you can’t get too low—that’s Korean.”

“Why is a condom like your wife? They spend more time in your wallet and less time on your dick.” (told by an audience member who received a standing ovation)

“Because there’s Mexicans, now they’ve got Spanish food at the grocery store.”

Gallagher will not hire a Mexican laborer to work on his house because “their own homes are shit shacks!”

Singing: “Obama bin Laden/On top of his noggin/Pull down his pants and smack his Moslem bottom.”