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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Today in Anonymous Responses to Garbled Comments Directed at Men with Lizards

Posted by on Thu, Jun 24, 2010 at 8:27 AM

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A fresh submission to I, Anonymous:

Are you talking to ME?

You. The one that was yelling out the backseat window at me and my lizard. What did you say to me? I have a little bit of advice for you, young lady. When screaming things at pedestrians from backseats of cars, ENUNCIATE. The only thing I can figure you said was either "You're the neatest person in the world" or "You're the meanest person in the world."

If it was the first one, thank you. I am pretty neat, and my lizard is pretty nifty, too.

If, however, it was the second one you screamed at me, do me a favor and shove a splintered two by four up your well-worked cunt, you self-righteous animal rights douche-nozzle. I assume you were talking about the fact that I was carrying a large reptile, and that somehow, I was mistreating it by keeping it captive. Well, I'll tell ya, that lizard means more to me than anything in the world, including the opinions of PETA-worshiping prats like yourself. I rescued him from an abusive home when he was just a wee hatchling, and I plan on keeping him until he's a good five feet. I feed him hard boiled eggs, porterhouse steaks, ground turkey, ALL the best things a carnivorous reptile like him could want. Ask ANYONE who the sweetest, calmest, most affectionate lizard around is, and they'd point to mine. That's right, MINE. I rescued him from some dimwitted dipshit who was feeding him dry dog kibble and chasing him about his apartment. I massaged his semi-paralyzed legs until he could walk again. I rubbed his belly and gave him warm baths until he could properly digest REAL food again. I STILL have to help him poop, because of the care he received before me.

Little miss prissy pants, take your animal rights bullshit elsewhere. Or at least have the fucking balls to stop the car and say something to my face, not shout pathetic jabs out the window as your car speeds merrily away. Fuck you, cunt. Unless I was mistaken, of course.

(50 bucks says the female commenter said "neatest," and was being ironic.)

 

Comments (14) RSS

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Rhoda Skidmark 14
What happens when the lizard reaches five feet? Barbecue?
Posted by Rhoda Skidmark on June 24, 2010 at 7:09 PM · Report this
13
Wow, I had assumed that the writer was female. That's a lot of anti-lady slurs for a dude to throw around.
Posted by Orsh on June 24, 2010 at 3:24 PM · Report this
McGee 12
@ 10. Oh I disagree. I though it was an outstanding achievement in swearing.
Posted by McGee on June 24, 2010 at 1:37 PM · Report this
11
One fine day, Seattle's lizard-fetish community will march up 4th Avenue in a Pride Parade all their own.

Until then, they must be content with anonymous hisses of anguish from dark crevices in the urban landscape.
Posted by RonK, Seattle on June 24, 2010 at 10:47 AM · Report this
Josh Bomb 10
this dickbag lost me at "shove a splintered two by four up your well-worked cunt"

what a douchenozzle.

i hope that lizard chokes you to death in your sleep, assbag.
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on June 24, 2010 at 10:40 AM · Report this
pg13 9
You are the MOST INTERESTING PERSON ALIVE!!!

Paul F. Tompkins agrees:
http://comedians.jokes.com/paul-f--tompk…

(The relevant parts starts at :50 in...)
Posted by pg13 on June 24, 2010 at 10:03 AM · Report this
8
Wow, that's a lot of scary violent energy to direct at a girl when they're not even sure what she said. Remind me to cross the street if I see some guy carrying a lizard.
Posted by Patti on June 24, 2010 at 9:35 AM · Report this
7
@6, well, except in the defense of liberty, of course.
Posted by kulshan on June 24, 2010 at 9:18 AM · Report this
6
@5 I agree that extremism in general is never a good thing, and the rights of animals shouldn't come before the rights of people, but that the rights of people shouldn't come at the expense of the rights of animals.
Posted by j.lee on June 24, 2010 at 9:05 AM · Report this
Vince 5
I commend him for the loving care of his pet. And I, too, have disdain for animal rights extremists who think every interaction with an animal is condemnable and that the rights of animals come before the rights of people.
Posted by Vince on June 24, 2010 at 8:40 AM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 4
What a douchenozzle.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on June 24, 2010 at 8:35 AM · Report this
metardtard 3
this guy takes better care of his pet than I take care of myself.
Posted by metardtard on June 24, 2010 at 8:34 AM · Report this
Shelby 2
50 bucks says he blows the lizard too.

God, what an angry person.
Posted by Shelby on June 24, 2010 at 8:34 AM · Report this
Rotten666 1
I just thought you were neat. :(
Posted by Rotten666 on June 24, 2010 at 8:30 AM · Report this

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