Ok. I haven't had sex yet. I am 15. When do I know when it's right? I am a girl.Young And Nervous
Sent from the Savage Love App for iPhone
Monday I responded to a letter submitted via the new "Savage Love" iPhone App and the tech-savvy, at-risk youth insisted that I respond to questions submitted via the new "Savage Love" iPhone App all week. The "Savage Love" iPhone App got YAN's question to top of the pile—but my response is after the jump.
A recently released study found that 40% of girls between the ages of 15-19 have had sex at least once. So there's nothing freakish about being a virgin at 15, YAN, or remaining a virgin for at least the next four years. Most girls your age are not sexually active. So don't feel like there's any rush to "lose it," YAN, and if you're writing to me because someone is pressuring you into doing something you're not ready for, well, you need to tell that fuck to fuck the fuck off. But if you do decide that you're ready, well, rest assured that you won't be the first or only sexually-active 15-year-old girl out there.
But whatever you decide, YAN, now is the right time—now, before you become sexually active; now, while you're thinking about becoming sexually active—to find the Planned Parenthood office nearest you. Make an appointment with a counselor to discuss birth control options and sexually-transmitted infections. Now.
And then—after you've got the STI info and the birth control you need—how do you know when it's right?
Well, YAN, that's something each of us has to figure out for ourselves. I lost my virginity at 15 to a woman—a woman who was trying to seduce me into the depraved heterosexual lifestyle—and while it was the right time for me, she was definitely the wrong person. But if I had it to do over again, well, I would do her over again. My first experience confirmed something I had long suspected about myself (the straight lifestyle wasn't for me) and it allayed some run-of-the-mill fears I had about sex (if I could have sex with a woman—someone I wasn't really attracted to—I could certainly do it with a man that I was attracted to).
First-time experiences are like that. They're a mix of good and bad, sweet details you remember fondly and mortifying shit you deeply regret. Don't make the mistake of passing up on what might be a perfectly good first experience, or a perfectly good first partner, because you're holding out for a perfect experience or a perfect partner. First time, second time, third millionth time: there are no "perfect" sexual experiences or partners.
Here's what's likely to happen: sooner or later someone is going to come along with whom you click and... well, gee. I want to type, "You'll know it's right." But that would be a lie. You'll think it might be right, YAN, but you won't know, not for sure. You'll have doubts, you'll wonder if this guy or this girl is really the right person, if this is really the right time. And at that moment you have to your gut—not mine, not anybody else's. Yours. If the person you're with is giving you a bad feeling or tossing off a creepy vibe, well, then it's not "right," no matter how horny you are, no matter how anxious you are to get your first sexual experience over with. Get out of there. But if you've got a good feeling about that person and if it's what you want and if you feel like you're ready... then the moment is right because you decided the moment is right. And then you go for it.
But first.
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