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News & ArtsWednesday, April 21, 2010
Life Two Black Eyes and a Conflicted Heart
Posted by David Schmader on Wed, Apr 21, 2010 at 2:28 PM
- Steven Weissman
This week's I, Anonymous is a gut-churner.
I never, ever believed I would find myself here. I am an empowered woman. I have worked with survivors of rape and intimate-partner violence. I do not see myself as invulnerable or better than people who end up in violent relationships, but I do believe that I have a strong enough support network and know enough about the warning signs to be able to avoid it or to leave if it begins to evolve. So why is leaving you the furthest thing from my mind?You gave me two black eyes. On our anniversary. You threatened to rape me during a fight. That it was a hollow threat seems almost meaningless—you wanted to see me that scared. Mission accomplished. You have been convicted of domestic violence in your past and have proven yourself capable of it again.
But our relationship looks nothing like an abusive relationship should. We are exquisitely egalitarian. You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times. You do not try to destroy my self-esteem or my relationships with others. You are not jealous, irrational, or controlling. You are my strongest advocate and my most emphatic cheerleader. You are my best friend.
You have assumed full responsibility for your atrocious behavior and are taking concrete and measurable steps to fix it. But you have struggled with anger-management and impulse-control issues for your entire life. You got arrested, got help, and got better. Then you relapsed.
I don't know if I believe that you will never do it again.
3
If you stay, you get little sympathy for the next time. And there will be a next time. If you aren't dead.
4
Chicks dig high adrenaline guys.
Then when they get fucked up...they fine some kind sensitive guy...and take it all out on him.
Chicks dig high adrenaline guys.
Then when they get fucked up...they fine some kind sensitive guy...and take it all out on him.
9
So, sorry. It's heartbreaking. Still, as someone who has worked with survivors of DV and grew up in a violent childhood, I have to wonder about your own words. You say you're loved unconditionally, but blackening your eyes and threatening you with rape is not unconditional love. You say that there has been no attempt to destroy your self-esteem, but threatening to rape you is trying to destroy your self-esteem. Is violence a shared value? Is beating you and threatening to rape you not a means of controlling you?
I think you know the answers, I, Anonymous. You can't help this person, but you can help yourself. Love is not being someone's punching bag. Good luck.
I think you know the answers, I, Anonymous. You can't help this person, but you can help yourself. Love is not being someone's punching bag. Good luck.
10
"You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times."
When he's not smacking you around. What a loon.
When he's not smacking you around. What a loon.
11
@3 Ah, the old "blame the victim" mentality. We don't know the full circumstances. She may fear for her life if she tries to leave him. You're right about one thing though: there will be a next time. Right now they're just in the "baby, I can change/it'll never happen again" reconciliation phase of the cycle of abuse. Hopefully she dumps his ass before he decides to lash out again. She'll be dealing with the lasting effects of this relationship longer than she realizes.
12
Dear Anonymous —
He inflicted harm upon your person. Leave. For good. Forever. Protect yourself, über alles.
You're stronger than you remember.
Here's hoping for your welfare,
-Tels'
He inflicted harm upon your person. Leave. For good. Forever. Protect yourself, über alles.
You're stronger than you remember.
Here's hoping for your welfare,
-Tels'
13
Dear everyone, I am different. Unlike all other abused women I love my husband. Most other women don't have a good relationship but I do.
Sincerely,
Typical Abused Woman
This is kind of heart breaking in that like every single abused women she thinks that this might happen again but as she says herself breaking up is the last thing in her mind.
Sincerely,
Typical Abused Woman
This is kind of heart breaking in that like every single abused women she thinks that this might happen again but as she says herself breaking up is the last thing in her mind.
14
Come to think of it I think this women is exactly like the other women who stay with their partners. Instead of breaking up IMMEDIATELY with the abuser she writes to a local paper for sympathy. Really sad story.
15
Run away. Run far far away. NOTHING is worth being terrorized and abused. Nothing.
Get away while you still can.
Please.
Get away while you still can.
Please.
16
@11: I can't speak for Vince, but I didn't get the impression that he was blaming the victim. I thought he was pointing out a very harsh reality, that the victim does often end up alone. That is why we have have such a need for shelters. It has been my observation that a victim's support system become victims as well, not necessarily physically but emotionally, financially, and verbally. As a result, many have to walk away. This leaves the victim isolated, without comfort, and more vulnerable to manipulation.
And, yes, odds are he will beat her again.
And, yes, odds are he will beat her again.
17
I love that Anonymous portends to know and empathize with battered women, when you doesn't even realize SHE'S LIVING THE EXACT SAME STORY OF EVERY BATTERED WOMAN, EVER.
What? You think that other battered women just stumbled into a relationship where the abuser beat them on the first date, and had such low self esteem that they gave in...? EVERY ABUSER STARTS OUT LOOKING LIKE A CARING, LOVING PARTNER. Abusers doesn't start out full blast. They escalates over time. This time he threatened to rape you. Next time it might happen. The time after that, you might end up dead... don't wait to find out.
GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.
What? You think that other battered women just stumbled into a relationship where the abuser beat them on the first date, and had such low self esteem that they gave in...? EVERY ABUSER STARTS OUT LOOKING LIKE A CARING, LOVING PARTNER. Abusers doesn't start out full blast. They escalates over time. This time he threatened to rape you. Next time it might happen. The time after that, you might end up dead... don't wait to find out.
GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.
20
@16 Thanks Kim. I wasn't blaming her. I was pointing out that she needs to face the reality of her situation.
22
He was handsome, he was smart, everybody thought he was the nicest guy in the world, including me.
Until he put his hands around my throat one night and tried to strangle me.
But that was my fault, according to him, I'd said something in front of his friends that embarrassed him.
He apologized, and no he didn't hit me or physically abuse me again for another year -- he was Mr. Nice Loving Guy, except for the occasional emotional abuse (like, you know, threatening to rape) including trying to browbeat me into marrying him. Once, so insistently I ended up having panic attack (which felt like a heart attack), for which he had little sympathy.
Then one day when we were on the street and I apparently said something that offended him, he took me by the shoulders, shook me, and said, "Wait till I get you home."
He was over a foot taller than I and had gone to college on a football scholarship, and I begged a woman walking by with her boyfriend, "Call the police."
When the cops came, I had them hold him so I could get to a friend's house.
I called him at work and told him he had three days to move out of my apartment, he refused.
So on the third day, I changed the locks and told him when his stuff would me in the hallway, and then cowered behind a locked door that he beat on.
When his mother called to ask why we'd broken up, I said, "I think he was going to start beating me," she got quiet.
"His father beats me, and it's ruined my life," she said. Nice guy's dad, also appeared to be, had the reputation of being the sweetest guy in the world.
In six months my abuser was engaged to another woman who worked in his office, someone who'd always had a crush on him. But when I ran into her in the subway, she wasn't the pretty, smiling young woman I remembered. She didn't even look happy when she announced their engagement, and had a new set of dark circles under her eyes and I thought, "He's already started on her."
This was over 30 years ago, before the term "battered wife" or "spousal abuse" had been coined, before the courts and police would protect women, before there were shelters, when it was something no one talked about.
But it's still the same story, honey. You have access to all of the above, use them to get out safely.
I'm alive now to tell the tale because I got out, and I'd like you to have at least another 30 years of life, which you can enjoy with a loving partner who isn't a threat to your life, mental health or safety.
More...
Until he put his hands around my throat one night and tried to strangle me.
But that was my fault, according to him, I'd said something in front of his friends that embarrassed him.
He apologized, and no he didn't hit me or physically abuse me again for another year -- he was Mr. Nice Loving Guy, except for the occasional emotional abuse (like, you know, threatening to rape) including trying to browbeat me into marrying him. Once, so insistently I ended up having panic attack (which felt like a heart attack), for which he had little sympathy.
Then one day when we were on the street and I apparently said something that offended him, he took me by the shoulders, shook me, and said, "Wait till I get you home."
He was over a foot taller than I and had gone to college on a football scholarship, and I begged a woman walking by with her boyfriend, "Call the police."
When the cops came, I had them hold him so I could get to a friend's house.
I called him at work and told him he had three days to move out of my apartment, he refused.
So on the third day, I changed the locks and told him when his stuff would me in the hallway, and then cowered behind a locked door that he beat on.
When his mother called to ask why we'd broken up, I said, "I think he was going to start beating me," she got quiet.
"His father beats me, and it's ruined my life," she said. Nice guy's dad, also appeared to be, had the reputation of being the sweetest guy in the world.
In six months my abuser was engaged to another woman who worked in his office, someone who'd always had a crush on him. But when I ran into her in the subway, she wasn't the pretty, smiling young woman I remembered. She didn't even look happy when she announced their engagement, and had a new set of dark circles under her eyes and I thought, "He's already started on her."
This was over 30 years ago, before the term "battered wife" or "spousal abuse" had been coined, before the courts and police would protect women, before there were shelters, when it was something no one talked about.
But it's still the same story, honey. You have access to all of the above, use them to get out safely.
I'm alive now to tell the tale because I got out, and I'd like you to have at least another 30 years of life, which you can enjoy with a loving partner who isn't a threat to your life, mental health or safety.
23
People who've never been in a domestic violence situation just have no idea what it's like to be in one. Just take that on faith, if you have to -- if you haven't been there, you can't understand it, and unless you've received training on how to deal with it as a professional, you have no place giving advice.
Nobody in one of these situations makes a choice to get their ass kicked. Their most basic instincts tell them to give their abuser another chance. It's like being an alcoholic -- the voice in your head that you normally trust above everything else is giving you bad information, and the thing you have to do in order to save yourself is make a calculated intellectual decision never to trust yourself again. It's the opposite of feeling safe. It undermines your sense of worth in a way that someone who hasn't had to do it can never grasp.
So while I approve of the chorus of jocular DTMFAs in principle, I just feel compelled to mention that your input is totally irrelevant to this woman.
Nobody in one of these situations makes a choice to get their ass kicked. Their most basic instincts tell them to give their abuser another chance. It's like being an alcoholic -- the voice in your head that you normally trust above everything else is giving you bad information, and the thing you have to do in order to save yourself is make a calculated intellectual decision never to trust yourself again. It's the opposite of feeling safe. It undermines your sense of worth in a way that someone who hasn't had to do it can never grasp.
So while I approve of the chorus of jocular DTMFAs in principle, I just feel compelled to mention that your input is totally irrelevant to this woman.
24
Sweetie, I recommend you read, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-C…
"This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike. Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," he writes. "I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read [this book] is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself." He maintains this level of sensitivity and even empathy throughout discussions on the nature of abusive thinking, how abusive men manipulate their families and the legal system and whether or not they can ever be cured. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft's book promises to be a beacon of calm and sanity for many storm-tossed families." -- Publishers Weekly
"From Library Journal
Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems."
More...
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-C…
"This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike. Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," he writes. "I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read [this book] is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself." He maintains this level of sensitivity and even empathy throughout discussions on the nature of abusive thinking, how abusive men manipulate their families and the legal system and whether or not they can ever be cured. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft's book promises to be a beacon of calm and sanity for many storm-tossed families." -- Publishers Weekly
"From Library Journal
Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems."
25
I fortunately don't know this from experience, but, from what I understand, many abusers are very good at pretending to be loving, romantic, the whole enchilada... up until they start abusing. Not all abusive relationships look like a Lifetime Original Movie.
You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times.
I fortunately don't know this from experience, but, from what I understand, many abusers are very good at pretending to be loving, romantic, the whole enchilada... up until they start abusing. Not all abusive relationships look like a Lifetime Original Movie.
26
You can find a partner who will love, support, and cheer you on AND NEVER BE VIOLENT. They exist! You can do better! You do not need this person's love! There are better fish in the sea.
DTMFA!!!!!
DTMFA!!!!!
27
I am so sorry. It sucks when the person you love can transform into a terrifying abuser -- it's very easy to tell oneself that the good side is worth the bad. It's not. Please protect yourself and get out. There is someone better for you out there.
You need a sassy gay friend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKttq6EUq…
"Tina Turner, you gotta private dance it outta here."
You need a sassy gay friend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKttq6EUq…
"Tina Turner, you gotta private dance it outta here."
28
Judah @23, what you wrote really hit a nerve with me.
My first real relationship was like this. We were together for seven years, and while he was mostly emotionally abusive, he did shake me hard a few times, and once he kicked me between the legs so hard I still have the scar. But even years after we broke up, I considered him to have been my best friend, my soul mate. And so a couple of years ago I emailed him, and we started corresponding. I didn't even realize it when he started getting all weird and possessive again, and then a year or so into the correspondence he sent me some really nasty emails, so I cut it off. And I was like, what the fuck -- this is the guy he's been all along. He's a total loser. How could I have missed it?
But last year, on his birthday, I felt compelled to send him another email, just to say I'm thinking of you and all that. And what I was feeling was forgiveness... I felt so good about it. It felt right.
Looking at your second paragraph, I had a shock of recognition. I realized that I hadn't quite made the decision to never contact this guy again. Well, I just made that decision. So thanks.
My first real relationship was like this. We were together for seven years, and while he was mostly emotionally abusive, he did shake me hard a few times, and once he kicked me between the legs so hard I still have the scar. But even years after we broke up, I considered him to have been my best friend, my soul mate. And so a couple of years ago I emailed him, and we started corresponding. I didn't even realize it when he started getting all weird and possessive again, and then a year or so into the correspondence he sent me some really nasty emails, so I cut it off. And I was like, what the fuck -- this is the guy he's been all along. He's a total loser. How could I have missed it?
But last year, on his birthday, I felt compelled to send him another email, just to say I'm thinking of you and all that. And what I was feeling was forgiveness... I felt so good about it. It felt right.
Looking at your second paragraph, I had a shock of recognition. I realized that I hadn't quite made the decision to never contact this guy again. Well, I just made that decision. So thanks.
29
If you think being the spouse/SA of one of these control-freak assholes is hard, try being their kid. The only thing you can do is to cut them off completely and permanently. Leave the state. Leaving town or the house is not enough. You have to go as far as you can.
30
@16, 20 I somehow read the original comment as saying she'll get "little sympathy FROM ME the next time." I humbly apologize for accusing Vince of blaming the victim.
32
he will hit you again. he does not respect you or share your values. he lacks self-control and wants you to fear him. leave. leave now, and do not look back.
33
Whoa, he's taking concrete steps to get better. They have an otherwise good relationship. If he isn't cutting her off from the support of friends and family, if she feels otherwise fine; then I think she's right to give him a little more time and support. I was abused verbally and emotionally. However, we went to couples counselling; figured out that his anti-depressant was making him even more angry and violent. Switching to a different medication and some counselling made it work. In men, a common symptom of depression is anger, it's worth considering and treating. It did help that I knew him well before the bad stuff started, I knew it wasn't his normal behavior.
36
@33 it's true that not all abusers are beyond redemption. however she needs to get out, and get out now, and he can get himself into therapy and do the work and become a different person ON HIS OWN and live that life as a better person with somebody else down the line.
at the very best, the relationship between these two will always exist under that cloud of abuse. there will always be a part of her that fears him even if things are perfect from here on out. but let's be serious, statistically that is extremely unlikely.
i'm glad for you that you and your guy got back on track before his abuse escalated to physical violence (although i know firsthand that the verbal/emotional stuff is damn near as bad) but your relationship and i anon's relationship are not comparable. perhaps he can change, and i hope he can/will, but the relationship with i anon has to end for her own safety, sanity and sense of self worth.
at the very best, the relationship between these two will always exist under that cloud of abuse. there will always be a part of her that fears him even if things are perfect from here on out. but let's be serious, statistically that is extremely unlikely.
i'm glad for you that you and your guy got back on track before his abuse escalated to physical violence (although i know firsthand that the verbal/emotional stuff is damn near as bad) but your relationship and i anon's relationship are not comparable. perhaps he can change, and i hope he can/will, but the relationship with i anon has to end for her own safety, sanity and sense of self worth.
38
Take only your handbag and identification and get out. Go to a pay phone, call your closest abuse hotline, and follow their instruction to the letter. Do not EVER go back.
Those actions saved my life almost 40 years ago.
Please heed the folks here who are trying to awaken you, though you want to continue to sleep.
Those actions saved my life almost 40 years ago.
Please heed the folks here who are trying to awaken you, though you want to continue to sleep.
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