As you may recall, last year I became the 2009 International District Spring Roll Eating Champion. (I wrote about it here.)

It's almost time for the 2010 SCIDpda Spring Roll, and I have an important announcement to make: I will not be competing in the spring roll eating contest this year. This was a difficult decision to make, but it mostly boiled down to several factors. First: I wanted to go out on top. Second: One competitive eating title should be enough for any human being (unless you are a man who is like this man.) Third: I had said that I would compete in this year's spring roll eating contest only if Brock Huard agreed to a rematch. Huard was the only serious competitor I had last year, and I was eager to pit my stomach against his in a battle royale. Unfortunately, Brock Huard will not be competing in the 2010 Spring Roll Eating Contest. If you would like to learn why, you should call his radio show and ask him.

Apparently unlike Brock Huard, though, I believe in giving charitably to SCIDpda. They do a lot of good work. And so here is what is going to happen: At this year's ID Spring Roll, I will be coaching not one, but two competitive eaters.

The first eater is Brian McGuigan, the marketing manager at the Hugo House and the curator of both Cheap Wine and Poetry and Cheap Beer and Prose. Brian should be a formidable opponent; he says he's always wanted to enter an eating contest.

The second eater is The Stranger's own Cienna Madrid. As I wrote in my article on competitive eating, the most successful eaters are trim and athletic these days, and Cienna's in great shape. Plus, she's got a champion's hunger for victory.

I give Brian and Cienna even odds to take home the title. I'll train them both in the coming month and then I will pit them head-to-head in a spring roll eating battle at the SCIDpda Spring Roll on May 24th. It will be like a father forcing his children to murder each other for his love. I can't wait.