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News & ArtsFriday, April 9, 2010
Savage Love SL Letters of the Day: I'M SICK OF THIS QUESTION
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Apr 9, 2010 at 4:37 PM
All of these letters came today:
I have a great husband that I have been married to for four years. We have been together about six years. I'm 43 and he's 35. We love each other and are a great match, except... you guessed it: we rarely have sex. When we do have sex its over in a minute or two—a problem he says that he has always had after a year or so with a partner. He says its just a low libido. And he's back in school (career change), and working two jobs.I am wicked horny and I miss the hot sex we used to have. I look good but would be a little self conscious banging a 25-year-old who could match my stamina. I have hinted that he should see a doc (it could be as simple as testosterone deficiency, right?) and even that a blue pill once in a while would be awwwwsome for my needs. I'm aware that this is a touchy subject with boys so I haven't pushed it for fear of making it worse. I know that there isn't a quick fix for this. Any suggestions?
Cougar Love
I am a gay 19-year old, and my boyfriend is 20. We're both liberal arts students. We've been dating for two years and we've been living together for about one. We are in monogamous love and I know we have a strong, compassionate companionship, especially for a gay couple our age. We only really have one problem. Since we've been living together we hardly have sex anymore. I'm talking about less than once a month, and it's very rarely any good. We used to have sex regularly, casually, comfortably. It was great. This is not. At first, I assumed that we were going through a less active period, which I thought was normal, but his behavior is not normal.Ninety percent of the time, I initiate the sex, and only after continuous begging and mounting does he give in. He always has some excuse: That he's just eaten and he "has to digest", or that he's not horny, or that he's tired, or that he's busy, which usually means he's watching Hulu. I almost always go to bed masturbating. Other than the very, very rare times that he initiates sex, which I have never turned down, he shows no sexual interest in me. If this helps, before we were together he was incredibly experienced and very promiscuous—there is no other word. I'll put the estimate at at least fifty guys. I can count my previous sex partners on one hand. This is the first long-term relationship for both of us.
I like to think that I have a normal and healthy sex drive for a nineteen year old male. I know I am good at sex, and I know he once was. I am utterly baffled.
I bring this up with him constantly, and I get very emotional about it. He never denies that he has a problem, but he never elaborates on it. He tries to pay more attention to me for the few days after my pleas, but it wears off and he shows no signs of actually making any progress until the next confrontation.
I do trust that he has not cheated on me; we spend enough time together for me to know. I have not either. We are in love and neither of us want to break apart our relationship. However, after a year, I have had all I can take. I have started thinking about going elsewhere for sex, and it makes me incredibly guilty.
What can I do? What can he do? I have no more options left.
Dying For Regular Sex
More after the jump...
I have been dating a boy for about a year. We are very compatible, and I am enjoying the relationship very much. However, our mismatched libidos are creating a problem.I'm experiencing a lot of work-related anxiety (I'm 3 years into a graduate program), and this has taken a toll on my desire for sex. We've been doing it once or twice a week (closer to twice), and most every time it is fantastic for both of us. However, my boyfriend would be happy doing it every time we see each other, and this has created a very negative cycle where I'm always rejecting his advances. I am generally unapologetic, and this really affects him because he finds self-affirmation in sex, so my rejection makes him feel unwanted on many different levels.
Yesterday, he came to me crying because he thought this was my way of making him break up with me. After he calmed down, we decided we could work through it. I love him to death, but the pressure to have sex is really crushing me. I'd be fine with an open relationship, but he doesn't think he'd be happy sleeping with other people. I don't want to lose him, but I can't fake it either, or make my anxiety evaporate. What should we do?
Not A Tiger Cries for Help
I've been with my boyfriend for about eight months now and we fell hard and fast for each other. We'd known each other for a while before we started dating and always had an intense sexual attraction. Our relationship is wonderful. I'm 22 and he is 27. We get along beautifully, can talk about anything, we have the same sense of adventure and generally live an exciting, dynamic life together. The problem is that I want to save sex more frequently than he does. I have many friends with the opposite problem. Pushy, horny, boyfriends. I have a really hard time trying to understand what is wrong.
We've talked about this issue over and over, and I'm starting to feel like a broken record. I know he feels like he lets me down and I think the more that happens, the more pressure he feels and the more difficult it is for him to initiate sex. But when I initiate sex 95% of the time, I start feeling undesirable. He assures me this isn't the case. That he is insecure and because he's recently stopped drinking, his body is changing and his self esteem and self confidence are lacking. I truly do believe this, but I'm tired of putting myself out there and being rejected. The most upsetting incident was last week when we went to a robe party and I dressed in the sexiest lingire I own. Showed him before we left in hopes that it would keep him thinking about me, but when we got home he climbed in bed and went to sleep. It broke my heart.
I understand how hard it can be to put yourself out there sexually (and I should mention that prior to this relationship I had only had sexual relationships with women, which is a bit intimidating to him), but I need him to set that aside and touch me. I love him with all my heart. The sex we have is awesome. But its been months since I felt like he couldn't keep his hands off of me. And I'm not ugly. I'm increacingly more and more desperate for some advice and a solution. Unfortunately I feel like the solution has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. I just don't know a healthy way to keep myself emotionally strong and protected.
Thanks For Hearing Me Out
I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met at school and are both in the same intensive graduate program. At school we live together, and when we are on break we have a long distance relationship.My sex drive has been deteriorating for about the last 8 months and is now pretty much non existent. This is obviously putting a strain on the relationship, he gets upset when I don't want to have sex and I get frustrated when he keeps trying to initiate it. He keeps telling me I should think about sex more and my horniness will return, but it's not that simple. Even my tried-and-true fantasies get zero reaction out of me anymore. On the occasions we do have sex I can still enjoy it physically and my boyfriend usually gets me off, but I can't remember the last time I had sex because I wanted to and not to keep him from being disappointed.
I can't help but notice a correlation of the decline in my sex drive to the start of me taking birth control. Also I'm sure it doesn't help that every semester our education gets more and more stressful. After spending hours studying the last thing I want to do on my precious breaks from the books is have sex. I have begun to view sex as a chore and not something I look forward to.
Is it possible that birth control and stress have stamped out my libido? Or is my boyfriend right and I have put up some kind of mental block to sex that I just need to get over?
Searching For My Sex Drive
Letters like these arrive so regularly that whenever I read, "We are so in love, we're totally great together, everything is wonderful...", I always brace myself for the inevitable, "...except the sex."
Sorry, gang, but there's no instant, just-add-some-asshole's-advice solution for the problem of mix-matched libidos. If the cause is external and temporary—work or school pressures—a couple might be able to hang in there and tough it out. But by the time grad school is over, or a new career is off the ground, odds are good that rejection and resentment will have curdled the frustrated half of the couple's affections so thoroughly that the relationship simply can't survive. And there's a better than 50/50 chance that the problem isn't stress or work-related, but not-attracted-to-you-related, and how long do you want to hang in there before you find that out? So my standard advice in these instances is almost always this: a break up is almost inevitable so you might as well break up now. (Unless there are kids involved, in which case: suck it up, breeders.) Some more targeted advice:
Cougar Love: Listen to your husband. He's telling you he has a low libido, and things have always been this way after a year or two. You're going to have to divorce him or fuck other people or both.
Dying For Regular Sex: I don't know what your boyfriend's issue is—promiscuity ruined him? just not that into you?—but he's not making you happy and you're way to young to settle for a lousy-to-non-existent sex life and the constant rejection is killing you. DTMFA.
Not A Tiger Cries for Help: Hm... twice a week while your partner is in grad school seems like a perfectly reasonable amount of sex to me. But it obviously isn't cutting it for the weepy bag of slop you call your boyfriend. This much, however, we know for sure: his sexual expectations make you feel "crushed," your unapologetic rejection makes him come... crying. Maybe you would both be better off—less pressure on you, fewer tears for him—if you officially broke up and shifted to friends-with-benefits status.
Thanks For Hearing Me Out: You've only been together eight months... and you write that "it's been months" since he made you feel desirable. You have much less invested in this relationship than you seem to think, TFHMO, and ending it will be easier than you seem to think. This generally isn't a problem that gets better with time and right now, at eight months, it's breaking your heart. If you must, give it another two or three months—but let him know he's on thin ice and he better get his ass to the gym, boost his self-esteem, and up his game or it's over.
Searching For My Sex Drive: Could be stress, sure. But many women find that their libidos suffer on certain forms of hormonal birth. So... get off birth control—and leave off vaginal intercourse (if you're concerned about pregnancy)—and see if your libido kicks back into gear. If it doesn't, well, might be time to focus on your education... which you might have an easier time doing single.
Okay, one more letter:
Dear Dan,I read your column religiously. I am a thirty-one-year-old heterosexual male. My wife is wonderful, we get along like a house on fire, and we really enjoy each other's company. We also have lots and lots of plain old great sex all the time, and life is great. Just wanted you to know we exist. Thanks for your work.
Married And Simply Satisfied
Thank you for writing, MASS. I needed that.
1
Why not organize a SL sponsored orgy once a year for all these boring fucks?
Oh, wait....never mind.
Oh, wait....never mind.
2
Thanks for telling it like it is, Dan.
I recently came across a letter like the above in another advice column. The lady was worried because her guy rarely liked to have sex. The columnist said she should watch to see if this became a problem. I mean, HELLO?, your reader is writing to you because it IS a problem.
Thanks also for mixing up the genders. I'm a straight female and I have NEVER had as much sex as I want (and I'm not even THAT randy, by my measures), so I always want to scream when this is seen as a problem of low desire among WOMEN.
I recently came across a letter like the above in another advice column. The lady was worried because her guy rarely liked to have sex. The columnist said she should watch to see if this became a problem. I mean, HELLO?, your reader is writing to you because it IS a problem.
Thanks also for mixing up the genders. I'm a straight female and I have NEVER had as much sex as I want (and I'm not even THAT randy, by my measures), so I always want to scream when this is seen as a problem of low desire among WOMEN.
4
The 19yo wrote my favorite melancholy sentence of the week. "I almost always go to bed masturbating."
5
I think dan makes these up just so that he can attempt to link in some bizarre way matrimonial frigid behavior and sexual problems with his advocacy for marriage reengineering.
6
There's an old saying, that got to be an old saying for a good reason: "If you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex during the first year you're married, and take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex after the first year, you'll never run out of pennies."
7
@5: sometimes I think you're almost human, LC - but this ain't one of them. Since you've passed judgment on these couples (not real) and Dan's advice to them, why not open up to all of us as to how often YOU have sex so we know what's "normal?"
9
I would hope if you did make them up, they'd be more interesting than "I love him but he doesn't fuck me enough waaaaah a woman/homo has NEEDS" which appears to be about 75% of your correspondence regardless.
11
though estrogen levels are highest at night, testosterone levels are highest in the morning, ladies. morning wood is a natural & highly likely occurance.
get on top and start without him. you can apologize later.
get on top and start without him. you can apologize later.
12
LC, you're crazy. I've read Dan's books. If he was going to make up letters, he'd write much better ones than these.
13
besides that, LC, he included a letter from a boring old happy monogamous and straight couple. I think point of these is you have to negotiate things within your specfic relationship? maybe? not look to outside models for affirmation? i dunno, but i'm happy boring happy monogamous couple exists too. me and my bf are the same way, but only 2 years in, and i'm hoping we can make the uneventfully blissful long haul
14
Where are the people that never have sex with each other and are happy that way? Oh, they're happy so why write? If your partner isn't giving you sex then say to them that you'll either go outside the relationship for sex or you'll break up. Either way, you have to have it and they must understand. Otherwise you are just friends anyway.
16
I think the thing is, we don't really live in a sex-positive culture, so somehow it doesn't seem right to throw away all of the good aspects of a long-term relationship "just for the sex." And yet, without a fulfilling sex life, you do start to build up that resentment toward the other person.
I've thought about writing in for advice on my situation too, but I've read this column long enough to know the answer would be DTMFA. But, would it be worth losing several years of investment in the relationship, having to take a second job to pay the mortgage, and all for what? More sex? But there's no guarantee of that, either. Surprisingly, I've managed to be faithful, but it's hard, ridiculously hard. I'm weighing the sides and know the decision is mine, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only person that thinks that the expectation of monogamy only makes sense if there is actually sex happening in the relationship.
These people just want the validation that comes with "permission" to break up, cheat, or whatever. Somehow it feels less selfish and bad if you've got other people on your side.
I've thought about writing in for advice on my situation too, but I've read this column long enough to know the answer would be DTMFA. But, would it be worth losing several years of investment in the relationship, having to take a second job to pay the mortgage, and all for what? More sex? But there's no guarantee of that, either. Surprisingly, I've managed to be faithful, but it's hard, ridiculously hard. I'm weighing the sides and know the decision is mine, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only person that thinks that the expectation of monogamy only makes sense if there is actually sex happening in the relationship.
These people just want the validation that comes with "permission" to break up, cheat, or whatever. Somehow it feels less selfish and bad if you've got other people on your side.
17
Fifty-Two-Eighty,
That saying may be true for some, but it isn't even close for others. Some of us have to lovingly pester our more than willing partners. The desire to be pursued is powerful. And, the 'hunt' is ever so much fun.
Attitude Devant,
Here's to positive selfishness and to being a loving, yet demanding, bitch in bed.
That saying may be true for some, but it isn't even close for others. Some of us have to lovingly pester our more than willing partners. The desire to be pursued is powerful. And, the 'hunt' is ever so much fun.
Attitude Devant,
Here's to positive selfishness and to being a loving, yet demanding, bitch in bed.
18
@11 has it right. This is also a good litmus test. If you try it, whether as a girl or a gay guy, and he wakes up and is hurt/angry that his hard-on is getting some attention, then, for fuck's sake - it's already over, just call it. And if he doesn't have morning wood, make him an appointment with a sex-positive urologist stat.
19
These are hilarious. Once in my relationship we slowed down a little bit in bed. What did I do, simply brought it up at dinner and it went like this:
Me: "Hey hon, I noticed we haven't been fucking as much as we usually do, what's up with that?"
My Man: "I noticed, but it's not intentional on my part, it's been busy lately huh?"
Me: "It has! It's not intentional on my part either, you know I would hit it now."
He then put his fork down, took me back to the bedroom, and shagged my brains out.
It's. That. Fucking. Simple.
Me: "Hey hon, I noticed we haven't been fucking as much as we usually do, what's up with that?"
My Man: "I noticed, but it's not intentional on my part, it's been busy lately huh?"
Me: "It has! It's not intentional on my part either, you know I would hit it now."
He then put his fork down, took me back to the bedroom, and shagged my brains out.
It's. That. Fucking. Simple.
20
just throw two parties: one for the high sexed people and one for the low sexed people and let the matchmaking begin!
21
SFMSD should possibly try switching brands of BC, as some women get different results from different combos of the hormones. (She could even try the non-estrogen BC pills.) She needs to talk to her gyno about that side effect pronto, especially since it correlates to the time she started taking it.
I didn't have that side effect from my BC pills until I'd been on it for over a year. My sex drive just plummeted. It was really easy to attach it to stress since that was also my senior year of college, but I think that's one of those side effects that can just creep up on you. I rode it out for a few months, even though it did make sex feel like a chore at times, and after a while it seemed to increase until it basically came back. (Fingers crossed that it stays!) So, it's also possible that she may just need more time for her body to get used to the hormones and let the side effect pass. However, like I said, that seems kind of doubtful since she says the decline started around the time she started the pills.
I didn't have that side effect from my BC pills until I'd been on it for over a year. My sex drive just plummeted. It was really easy to attach it to stress since that was also my senior year of college, but I think that's one of those side effects that can just creep up on you. I rode it out for a few months, even though it did make sex feel like a chore at times, and after a while it seemed to increase until it basically came back. (Fingers crossed that it stays!) So, it's also possible that she may just need more time for her body to get used to the hormones and let the side effect pass. However, like I said, that seems kind of doubtful since she says the decline started around the time she started the pills.
22
I heartily second the advice to SFMSD to get off the hormonal BC. It totally killed my libido; it's a warning that if you get pregnant, you won't have much libido either. At least that was true for me. Fortunately, pregnancy ends. I can't imagine I'm the only woman whose sex drive is clearly linked to her cycle, Mother Nature has unkindly made the best, most interesting time also the time I was most likely to concieve. Now my tubes are tied and that's just perfect as far as I'm concerned. But BC takes those times away completely. Pthbbt on BC.
I used diaphragms, they work just fine; particularly if your guy uses condoms too. I never tried one of these new IUD's, so I don't know if that amount of hormones would affect a sex drive. .
There's always the standard advice to schedule some sex into things for couples with busy lives. I like that solution, but my hubby found it unromantic, which was too bad.
I don't know about guys, but I hate hate hate being woken before I naturally wake up. I wouldn't take rejection of morning sex before someone really wakes as a death knell. I've metaphorically bitten lover's heads off for waking me for sex or talk. Do Not Mess With My Sleep.
I also think that in a LTR, there needs to be some understanding for people who develop chronic illnesses that make sex difficult or even painful.
I used diaphragms, they work just fine; particularly if your guy uses condoms too. I never tried one of these new IUD's, so I don't know if that amount of hormones would affect a sex drive. .
There's always the standard advice to schedule some sex into things for couples with busy lives. I like that solution, but my hubby found it unromantic, which was too bad.
I don't know about guys, but I hate hate hate being woken before I naturally wake up. I wouldn't take rejection of morning sex before someone really wakes as a death knell. I've metaphorically bitten lover's heads off for waking me for sex or talk. Do Not Mess With My Sleep.
I also think that in a LTR, there needs to be some understanding for people who develop chronic illnesses that make sex difficult or even painful.
23
Low Libido?
- get them to a doctor
-get them to a chinese doctor
- get them to the gym (where are you on this one, dan??! Lots of fat people don't have the blood flow or energy for sex, and it can help with the 'just not attracted anymore' issue. (This is not sizist this is medical fact! Sorry to all you big ladies who's libido is great, but seriously, obesity plays a major role in the increasing crappiness of most peoples lives.)
- get them into yoga
And once you're off your nasty pills and toxin free and fit and hot if you still don't have a libido, feel free to curl up and die in a corner, knowing you've done all you can.
- get them to a doctor
-get them to a chinese doctor
- get them to the gym (where are you on this one, dan??! Lots of fat people don't have the blood flow or energy for sex, and it can help with the 'just not attracted anymore' issue. (This is not sizist this is medical fact! Sorry to all you big ladies who's libido is great, but seriously, obesity plays a major role in the increasing crappiness of most peoples lives.)
- get them into yoga
And once you're off your nasty pills and toxin free and fit and hot if you still don't have a libido, feel free to curl up and die in a corner, knowing you've done all you can.
24
"Intense graduate programs" huh. The really nasty stressful ones are business, med or Law school-those student's NEVER say "graduate program." I'd be curious to know what they consider intense, since 95% of the grad students I know either create their own stress or have the priorities completely out of whack. And I know a lot of grad students.
25
Geez, it took 20+ comments before the "go to the doctor" folks came out. And even then, there wasn't much in the way of finger-wagging, or _any_ shame-on-you-Dan's from the Righteous Female Brigade.
All we get is a lame LC post. (Ever notice how LC only posts about the sexual subjects? Talk about a mind obsessed w/ sex....)
So if you're as disappointed as I am, here's the best I can do:
"How dare you, Dan, for not suggesting to those women that all they have to do is go to a doctor & their libidos will be fixed! Women's body are complicated, and often have hormonal imbalances that change their sex drives. I have no solution for the men who write in, because it's obviously all their own fault." --Righteous Female Brigade.
All we get is a lame LC post. (Ever notice how LC only posts about the sexual subjects? Talk about a mind obsessed w/ sex....)
So if you're as disappointed as I am, here's the best I can do:
"How dare you, Dan, for not suggesting to those women that all they have to do is go to a doctor & their libidos will be fixed! Women's body are complicated, and often have hormonal imbalances that change their sex drives. I have no solution for the men who write in, because it's obviously all their own fault." --Righteous Female Brigade.
26
The whole lot of them need to take their partners aside and tell them:
"I respect your autonomy. I will not coerce you. And I will not beg. But neither will I wait indefinitely for you to get in the mood. If your interest level is honestly that low, then have the courage of your convictions, which means have the decency to ignore the fact that I might be getting those needs met elsewhere, by someone who actually shows some enthusiasm and makes me feel desirable and desired, when you yourself would prefer not to be bothered. It's not like I'm depriving you of something you actually want.
"Right now, you don't desire me. It's pretty damned obvious. If you did, you would act on it. Hungry people don't have to be persuaded to eat. Be honest enough to admit it, and secure enough to cut me some slack. Or else be insecure enough to step up your game in order to keep me in your bed and your bed only -- but don't resent me for it. I'm not the one who wants a monogamous sex life without actually including the sex."
If they can't agree to either of those options, DTMFA.
"I respect your autonomy. I will not coerce you. And I will not beg. But neither will I wait indefinitely for you to get in the mood. If your interest level is honestly that low, then have the courage of your convictions, which means have the decency to ignore the fact that I might be getting those needs met elsewhere, by someone who actually shows some enthusiasm and makes me feel desirable and desired, when you yourself would prefer not to be bothered. It's not like I'm depriving you of something you actually want.
"Right now, you don't desire me. It's pretty damned obvious. If you did, you would act on it. Hungry people don't have to be persuaded to eat. Be honest enough to admit it, and secure enough to cut me some slack. Or else be insecure enough to step up your game in order to keep me in your bed and your bed only -- but don't resent me for it. I'm not the one who wants a monogamous sex life without actually including the sex."
If they can't agree to either of those options, DTMFA.
27
Dan, your primary audience is composed of twenty to thirty year old hipsters, slackers and students who have waaaay too much time on their hands. You need to set these poor kids "straight" and sadly inform them that by the time they are over thirty five, married and have a couple of kids they will be having sex approximately one-tenth to one-fifth as often (if they are lucky), perhaps a bit more if they are gay males.
My advice to any young couples (i.e. in an inherently non-serious relationship) having sexual problems that are not medically related...who are not fucking like rabbits: BREAK UP NOW, as it only gets worse. Find partners who enjoy sex and expect sex just as often as you and don't put too much credence into your early relationships.
Ten years from now, perhaps you'll be one of the posters in this blog who claim that their sex lives are still rockin' along (not likely, but anything is possible). Many of us are old enough and wise enough to know that such posters are aberrations to the norm.
My advice to any young couples (i.e. in an inherently non-serious relationship) having sexual problems that are not medically related...who are not fucking like rabbits: BREAK UP NOW, as it only gets worse. Find partners who enjoy sex and expect sex just as often as you and don't put too much credence into your early relationships.
Ten years from now, perhaps you'll be one of the posters in this blog who claim that their sex lives are still rockin' along (not likely, but anything is possible). Many of us are old enough and wise enough to know that such posters are aberrations to the norm.
28
No, no, no. Your advice to Cougar was terrible. Here's the deal, she needs to stop "hinting" and start acting like an adult. Hinting around is for children who want a pony.
I've been married once & we are going on 22 years now. We love each other, have raised a great kid and our sex life gets better every year. The secret? We have those difficult conversations (no hinting, ever) & get counseling when the issue gets too big.
For all of the authors, if you've been unhappy for longer than a month & nothing is changing in your relationship then get some damn help. I don't care if your partner wants to go with you or not. Take action! Maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll work it out. If you have kids, maybe you will learn how to stay and stay sane because kids need both of those things. Anything has to better than being so stuck that you really think a total stranger holds the key to your happiness.
I've been married once & we are going on 22 years now. We love each other, have raised a great kid and our sex life gets better every year. The secret? We have those difficult conversations (no hinting, ever) & get counseling when the issue gets too big.
For all of the authors, if you've been unhappy for longer than a month & nothing is changing in your relationship then get some damn help. I don't care if your partner wants to go with you or not. Take action! Maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll work it out. If you have kids, maybe you will learn how to stay and stay sane because kids need both of those things. Anything has to better than being so stuck that you really think a total stranger holds the key to your happiness.
29
I'm in group therapy and I know a ton of couples who are not really having sex. Once in awhile there might be some hormonal something, but by far the most common cause is that one or both of them are complete assholes. Full disclosure: I'm an asshole.
And every one these couples I've met in therapy has some degree of very well developed bullshit explanation for their lives, which in the end is just another flavor of the sensitive-pony-tail-man bullshit that we smother our brains with. Freud said most of consciousness is just a story we tell ourselves to justify our convenient but unfulfilling lives as assholes. And he was right.
With each of these couples, it has become apparent that one or both is an apparently sensitive, apparently sweet, but fundamentally violent, confused bastard. Look, I'm one of these people. It takes a lot of confrontation for people (like me) to see themselves for who they are; to see beyond the BS self description they have for themselves. And they sure as hell aren't going to get it in a flash from an advice column. I'm talking about very successful, attractive, functional, charming people. In fact I would say that it's not just us shmucks in therapy: this is a root challenge for, it seems, all people. If you're not eating up life every day like a reluctant warrior champion artist lover, then you ain't doin' it right.
And every one these couples I've met in therapy has some degree of very well developed bullshit explanation for their lives, which in the end is just another flavor of the sensitive-pony-tail-man bullshit that we smother our brains with. Freud said most of consciousness is just a story we tell ourselves to justify our convenient but unfulfilling lives as assholes. And he was right.
With each of these couples, it has become apparent that one or both is an apparently sensitive, apparently sweet, but fundamentally violent, confused bastard. Look, I'm one of these people. It takes a lot of confrontation for people (like me) to see themselves for who they are; to see beyond the BS self description they have for themselves. And they sure as hell aren't going to get it in a flash from an advice column. I'm talking about very successful, attractive, functional, charming people. In fact I would say that it's not just us shmucks in therapy: this is a root challenge for, it seems, all people. If you're not eating up life every day like a reluctant warrior champion artist lover, then you ain't doin' it right.
30
There is no such thing as "regular sex" in the same way there is no such thing a "regularly winning the Lottery".
31
ZROFIT-- Business, medical, and law graduate programs do have some competition. Mathematics. Many of the sciences. A psychology program could be extra stressful during interactions with patients. Any time when quals or other exams are looming.
School in general can stress people out to different degrees; I've known some pretty cavalier law students and at least one very dedicated MFA student.
School in general can stress people out to different degrees; I've known some pretty cavalier law students and at least one very dedicated MFA student.
33
why is it that LC's icon looks to me like a church with a lay minister and robed priest each with their own child to molest?
34
Dan, I am a child of divorce. Yes, having divorced parents SUCKS and it causes unending, soul-crushing "issues".
BUT..
Having unhappy parents, constantly fighting, angry, yelling... is much worse. No matter how good you THINK you are at being "happy" in front of the kids... they know. And its worse than a divorce.
DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. Divorce, be good parents, and don't shit talk the other parent in front of the kids. Ever. But don't stay together.
BUT..
Having unhappy parents, constantly fighting, angry, yelling... is much worse. No matter how good you THINK you are at being "happy" in front of the kids... they know. And its worse than a divorce.
DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. Divorce, be good parents, and don't shit talk the other parent in front of the kids. Ever. But don't stay together.
35
@11 and @18 - unfortunately, my morning wood frequently is due to a full bladder (should get that prostate checked out again). Not sure about you, but I've never enjoyed sex when I really need to piss! I'd say good morning, hold that thought - I'll be right back - you can start without me and I'll catch up.
36
The problem with relationships is that people get in a rut, problems escalate, and you just desperately need a "restart" button but often don't know it. Embrace the breakup, talk about "what we could have done differently". Sometimes people need a clean slate before they can try being together again.
37
That's nice Dan, but...
If everyone took your advice 90% of people would have to break up.
Most couples don't have similar sex drives. Especially women and men.
If everyone took your advice 90% of people would have to break up.
Most couples don't have similar sex drives. Especially women and men.
38
Dear Dan,
I read your column religiously. I am a thirty-three-year-old bisexual female with a very high sex drive. My partner is wonderful, we get along like a house on fire, and we really enjoy each other's company. We also have lots and lots of kinky sex all the time, and life is great. 6 months ago we opened up our relationship after much loving discussion. It has gone completely smoothly and we feel even closer to each other. Just wanted you to know we exist. Thanks for your work.
Happy To Be GGG
I read your column religiously. I am a thirty-three-year-old bisexual female with a very high sex drive. My partner is wonderful, we get along like a house on fire, and we really enjoy each other's company. We also have lots and lots of kinky sex all the time, and life is great. 6 months ago we opened up our relationship after much loving discussion. It has gone completely smoothly and we feel even closer to each other. Just wanted you to know we exist. Thanks for your work.
Happy To Be GGG
39
@34 Well said. We made a pact to stay happily married for the sake of our kid if our desire to do it for ourselves waned.
I know some couples are grow together really well but it's taken a lot of work for us. I've been surprised at times at the sheer effort but the peaceful home and peace of mind are worth it. And I'd a couple has set the egos aside, really worked and still can't get there than two peaceful households with parents who are working together can be the best choice.
I know some couples are grow together really well but it's taken a lot of work for us. I've been surprised at times at the sheer effort but the peaceful home and peace of mind are worth it. And I'd a couple has set the egos aside, really worked and still can't get there than two peaceful households with parents who are working together can be the best choice.
40
where the fuck are all these super horny people who are demanding sex from their unwilling partner, how do I tap into this market?
41
If your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever isn't fucking you then they are fucking someone else..
42
to #25, or Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In
Why did I bring up health?
Not to be all self-righteous about women's complicated hormonal cycles (I am the FIRST person to stomp all over self righteous bitches who claim PMS causes them to scream at everyone, but thats okay and normal cos its some inherited birth-moon-gaia-thing).
I mean, if you're sitting around stuffing potato chips in your mouth and filling your body with hormones, and then wonder why you don't have it in your grease covered self to roll your body on top of your partner and fuck away, maybe you should consider your out of whack lifestyle. Libido and blood flow are connected. If the blood isn't circulating your system properly, how can you expect it to circulate to your genitals? If you can't walk up a hill without breathing hard, how are you going to have the stamina for a kinky shower session? That would be my point.
Why did I bring up health?
Not to be all self-righteous about women's complicated hormonal cycles (I am the FIRST person to stomp all over self righteous bitches who claim PMS causes them to scream at everyone, but thats okay and normal cos its some inherited birth-moon-gaia-thing).
I mean, if you're sitting around stuffing potato chips in your mouth and filling your body with hormones, and then wonder why you don't have it in your grease covered self to roll your body on top of your partner and fuck away, maybe you should consider your out of whack lifestyle. Libido and blood flow are connected. If the blood isn't circulating your system properly, how can you expect it to circulate to your genitals? If you can't walk up a hill without breathing hard, how are you going to have the stamina for a kinky shower session? That would be my point.
43
@34
Word. Growing up in a household filled with constant resentment and even hatred is horrible for the kid who will grow up with a fucked-up idea of what a relationship should be.
Word. Growing up in a household filled with constant resentment and even hatred is horrible for the kid who will grow up with a fucked-up idea of what a relationship should be.
44
Really Dan? The ignorant breeders who didn't do it right the first time should quit bothering you? Like it or not, you've revealed yourself (in the past) to be sympathetic and caring ... so quit calling us breeders. It's insulting.
45
I've been married for thirty five years. Great marriage but from the start it was a sexual compromise. I've spent 35 years debating with myself if I made the right choice. Great life, lousy sex. DId I make the right choice? To me it beats great sex but unloved but it has been one hell of a compromise.
Anyway, I do have a suggestion. My lover and I (yes, I took a lover or two along the way) have just gotten into tantric sex. Our sex is great anyway but I am astounded at how it upped the quality from great to amazing. There are lots of videos online and books to read to get started. It does take a little work to learn but OMG! I did the homework and send him links to see or read, then we review it before we get started.
And yes, I am starting to teach my husband as well. Haven't actually tried it with him yet but he seems very enthusiastic so I am hopeful.
Anyway, I do have a suggestion. My lover and I (yes, I took a lover or two along the way) have just gotten into tantric sex. Our sex is great anyway but I am astounded at how it upped the quality from great to amazing. There are lots of videos online and books to read to get started. It does take a little work to learn but OMG! I did the homework and send him links to see or read, then we review it before we get started.
And yes, I am starting to teach my husband as well. Haven't actually tried it with him yet but he seems very enthusiastic so I am hopeful.
46
@31 Yes. Most graduate programs are fairly stressful, and while law and medical programs certainly top the charts, it's unfair to rule out other categories. I'm currently in a graduate program in the humanities at the school "where fun goes to die." Never before in my life have I experienced stress like this. There are stretches for close to a week at a time, usually near important deadlines, where I just... can't... sleep, no matter how exhausted I am or how much I need to sleep in order to keep up the quality of my writing; the anxiety takes root in my chest and turns me into a living zombie. And yes, obviously it has an affect on my sex drive. When I get into this anxious state, I can't even masturbate successfully, let alone have sex with a partner. This is part of the reason I've stayed away from committed relationships for the time being, and stuck to casual partners who can help me celebrate once the papers are turned in.
As a side note, hormonal BC isn't always a libido-killer. For many women, it may be a matter of switching brands until they find one that works for their bodies. I've been on hormonal BC pills since 15 for medical reasons, and when I'm not stressed, I want sex multiple times a day when I can get it. It is possible to have a high sex drive and the benefits that the pill provides.
As a side note, hormonal BC isn't always a libido-killer. For many women, it may be a matter of switching brands until they find one that works for their bodies. I've been on hormonal BC pills since 15 for medical reasons, and when I'm not stressed, I want sex multiple times a day when I can get it. It is possible to have a high sex drive and the benefits that the pill provides.
47
I switched brands of BC because my old one went out of production, and whoomp! No more sex drive. Then, I started taking androgen-inhibitors for a medical condition, and it came back right away. So, yeah, hormones have a lot more effect than most people give them credit for.
48
Dan, your comments made me very sad. I am one of those unfortunate women with a low-libido husband. We were on the same page when we got married and my libido went up and up as I hit my 30's and his went down and down. "Breeders suck it up" just seems plain mean. Aren't you an sex advice columnist? And you get upset when people write to you for advice?
49
@37 No.
1) Dan's advice would resolve these issues before it got to the break up step in most cases. Being GGG and getting the same should make most sexual partnerships reasonably successful.
2) Incompatible sex drives and sexual expectations are where the relationship ends; the problem of different sex drives can be resolved multiple ways, several of them not requiring a change in sexual exclusivity.
1) Dan's advice would resolve these issues before it got to the break up step in most cases. Being GGG and getting the same should make most sexual partnerships reasonably successful.
2) Incompatible sex drives and sexual expectations are where the relationship ends; the problem of different sex drives can be resolved multiple ways, several of them not requiring a change in sexual exclusivity.
50
@48 didn't he say 'Unless there are kids involved, in which case: suck it up, breeders.' ?. breeders .with kids.. big qualification there.
52
@48/51 Dan's got a kid, too. If things weren't working with Terry, he'd be in the same "suck it up" boat that he put you in.
53
@52. I know. I'm a big fan of Dan's, read all the books, the columns... and I do feel he has helped me become more self-aware of my sexuality. That's why his comment made me sad. Because it sounded mean and also because it further reinforced my situation.
54
"Get off birth control" ?!?! really? cause we need more accidental pregnancies? How bout try a different type of hormonal birth control -- there are many. Nothing like getting knocked up to kill the libido.
56
@54, did you read? The "get off birth control" advice came directly linked with the advice to avoid vaginal penetration while seeing if her libido kicked back into gear. Dan considers rolling around, fingering/handjobs, oral, etc. as completely valid sex acts. That's what he was advising her to explore.
58
@54, 56: Also, presumably after going off the pill, any vaginal penetration would be accompanied with condom use.
I've been in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half yet, and since I tend to react badly to hormonal birth control, we've been using condoms every time we have penetrative sex. So long as you're fastidious about using them correctly (and have a dose of Plan B on hand, just in case), you're fine.
I've been in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half yet, and since I tend to react badly to hormonal birth control, we've been using condoms every time we have penetrative sex. So long as you're fastidious about using them correctly (and have a dose of Plan B on hand, just in case), you're fine.
59
@ 54, 56
It's called the IUD. And condoms. And non vaginal sex acts. And pulling out. And the rhythm method. And all that other junk you can put in your vagina to stop babies like cervical caps and diaphragms and squeaky rubber ducks. And hey, you can use ALL of them at the SAME TIME.
It's called the IUD. And condoms. And non vaginal sex acts. And pulling out. And the rhythm method. And all that other junk you can put in your vagina to stop babies like cervical caps and diaphragms and squeaky rubber ducks. And hey, you can use ALL of them at the SAME TIME.
60
@14 "Where are the people that never have sex with each other and are happy that way?"
Well, since you asked... here we are! My boyfriend and I live together for 8 years, and we completely adore each other, we're so close that we often feel as one person (yeah, a cliche, I know, but it's true!)... and all we want is to kiss and cuddle (all the time :-)). But since it's what we *both* want, "the angels sing", as Dan once put it.
Btw., we have an open relationship, and we do have sex with other people, so it's not that we're asexual or something.
Well, since you asked... here we are! My boyfriend and I live together for 8 years, and we completely adore each other, we're so close that we often feel as one person (yeah, a cliche, I know, but it's true!)... and all we want is to kiss and cuddle (all the time :-)). But since it's what we *both* want, "the angels sing", as Dan once put it.
Btw., we have an open relationship, and we do have sex with other people, so it's not that we're asexual or something.
61
Just gonna add my say as somebody who thought he was the no-sexo in the mismatched libido dept.
I nearly lost my boyfriend because of what appeared to be to be mismatched sex drives. We loved each other like no other, but yeah. He always wanted it, I didn't. Not surprisingly, this deeply hurt him. Not only in terms of not his not getting any, but also in terms of damaging his self-esteem. I'm sure based on the quick sketch Dan gets here, he'd advise my bf to DTMFA.
Here's the thing. I don't really have a low sex drive. I actually masturbate at least 2-3x a day. And I do find my boyfriend very attractive. So what's the deal? Well, I'm still exploring it, but I think the obvious answer is I've got some kind of sexual dysfunction. Addicted to porn, perhaps. Aversion to intimacy, maybe. Not quite sure about this yet. That's why a) I'm seeing a therapist and b) I've been completely open with my partner about this.
It's that second part that's most important. So many couples just make assumptions as to why their other half isn't putting out. It's a sensitive subject and most people are embarrassed to speak about it, even with their loved ones. But I knew I loved my bf, so I went ahead and put it all out. He understood, he was patient, and we're now beginning to build a normal and gratifying sex life.
Sometimes, however, the withholding partner won't always have the courage to admit their sexual hangups. To this end, if you (the sex-starved partner) genuinely love your partner, ask them why they don't want to have sex. Be persistent. Suggest therapy. Just make a serious effort to figure out what's going on with the other partner.
Whatever you do, don't just assume you know what's going on in your partners head.
I nearly lost my boyfriend because of what appeared to be to be mismatched sex drives. We loved each other like no other, but yeah. He always wanted it, I didn't. Not surprisingly, this deeply hurt him. Not only in terms of not his not getting any, but also in terms of damaging his self-esteem. I'm sure based on the quick sketch Dan gets here, he'd advise my bf to DTMFA.
Here's the thing. I don't really have a low sex drive. I actually masturbate at least 2-3x a day. And I do find my boyfriend very attractive. So what's the deal? Well, I'm still exploring it, but I think the obvious answer is I've got some kind of sexual dysfunction. Addicted to porn, perhaps. Aversion to intimacy, maybe. Not quite sure about this yet. That's why a) I'm seeing a therapist and b) I've been completely open with my partner about this.
It's that second part that's most important. So many couples just make assumptions as to why their other half isn't putting out. It's a sensitive subject and most people are embarrassed to speak about it, even with their loved ones. But I knew I loved my bf, so I went ahead and put it all out. He understood, he was patient, and we're now beginning to build a normal and gratifying sex life.
Sometimes, however, the withholding partner won't always have the courage to admit their sexual hangups. To this end, if you (the sex-starved partner) genuinely love your partner, ask them why they don't want to have sex. Be persistent. Suggest therapy. Just make a serious effort to figure out what's going on with the other partner.
Whatever you do, don't just assume you know what's going on in your partners head.
62
Dan,
Thank you for advocating open relationships in case of sexual mis-match. It's working well enough to keep my otherwise great relationship intact until my other half can work through the weight problem that has killed our sex life.
Thank you for advocating open relationships in case of sexual mis-match. It's working well enough to keep my otherwise great relationship intact until my other half can work through the weight problem that has killed our sex life.
63
Have these people never heard of masterbation, sex toys and porn? What did they do when they weren't in wonderful relations with marvelous people?
64
I've been married 9 years, with my husband for 13 years total, and we have a great sex life. However, looking back over the entirety of our relationship, I can remember times when it wasn't as frequent (when we had infants), when I wanted it more often than he did (in the second trimester of both my pregnancies I could not get enough!), and when he has wanted it more often than I did (when the kids were nursing). Yes, a lot of my examples have to do with the kids and where they were developmentally, but if I sat here and tried I could come up with other times - like when he was in grad school or when I had a really stressful job.
What I'm saying is that it's impossible for two people to be in sexual synch for years and years. Life gets in the way. There are going to be ebbs and flows, and that's normal. What matters is that each partner is willing to try (as in, no one is saying, "Just go fuck someone else!") and that it ebbs and flows, and not that it just gets stuck in a rut where one partner is always the one who has the problem.
Patience and being giving in general go a long way, and not just in the bedroom.
Dan, I've read your work for years and I hope it helps you to know that there is another couple out here in the world having great sex in a great relationship.
What I'm saying is that it's impossible for two people to be in sexual synch for years and years. Life gets in the way. There are going to be ebbs and flows, and that's normal. What matters is that each partner is willing to try (as in, no one is saying, "Just go fuck someone else!") and that it ebbs and flows, and not that it just gets stuck in a rut where one partner is always the one who has the problem.
Patience and being giving in general go a long way, and not just in the bedroom.
Dan, I've read your work for years and I hope it helps you to know that there is another couple out here in the world having great sex in a great relationship.
65
Maybe you should publish this column once every three months so no one submits it again? It's definitely the "oldest question in the book". (Perhaps because so many people don't take your advice before the commitment.)
Or maybe have a "FAQ - Frequently Asked Question" section so you also don't get the "How can I come out of the closet" questions as well as a bunch more you can probably reel off the top of your head 'cos they're submitted daily.
Or maybe have a "FAQ - Frequently Asked Question" section so you also don't get the "How can I come out of the closet" questions as well as a bunch more you can probably reel off the top of your head 'cos they're submitted daily.
66
@ 61 - You're not alone. I'm in the exact same situation as you and I'm working through it with a therapist and being open with the BF every step of the way. And, yeah, it's probably a combo of both the issues you've mentioned but more likely an intimacy one. People always think intimacy is just sex - it's the whole package of sex/emotional/touching, all that stuff combined. For example, if you've ever been "dropped emotionally" by people in your life, it could be part of the problem. It might be causing you to hesitate or avoid having the whole package of intimacy, it might have been the reason you've chosen past partners who weren't always the best choices, and it might have trained you to run instead of staying and work things out (when they should've been worked through, that is).
I really think so many here have already decided to go the DTMFA route than communicate or try and work out issues with their other half (as well as their OWN issues) and they're just writing Dan to get permission. I've been there. It's the easy way out. But when you constantly look for the simple solutions, you're missing the whole point of life. It's not supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be a challenge. And if you're fortunate enough to find someone in life whom you're willing to struggle through it to be with, you've got to give it the best you can - and not wait years to deal with resentments and lack of communication. So many people stay in denial about problems with their partner until they fester to the point years later that they're no longer repairable or even negotiable. That's so sad.
I mean, what's the point of having a partner if you aren't able talk intimately together? My point is, if you'd rather run for the "greener grass" whenever something makes you uncomfortable, a lot of us are going to be chasing across lawns for a long time to come.
Stick with it, 61. I'm doing the same.
When the probable MFAs like us are doing their best to sort out their crap, you have to give us a chance and work with us.
More...
I really think so many here have already decided to go the DTMFA route than communicate or try and work out issues with their other half (as well as their OWN issues) and they're just writing Dan to get permission. I've been there. It's the easy way out. But when you constantly look for the simple solutions, you're missing the whole point of life. It's not supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be a challenge. And if you're fortunate enough to find someone in life whom you're willing to struggle through it to be with, you've got to give it the best you can - and not wait years to deal with resentments and lack of communication. So many people stay in denial about problems with their partner until they fester to the point years later that they're no longer repairable or even negotiable. That's so sad.
I mean, what's the point of having a partner if you aren't able talk intimately together? My point is, if you'd rather run for the "greener grass" whenever something makes you uncomfortable, a lot of us are going to be chasing across lawns for a long time to come.
Stick with it, 61. I'm doing the same.
When the probable MFAs like us are doing their best to sort out their crap, you have to give us a chance and work with us.
67
@ 61 - You're not alone. I'm in very much the same situation as you and I'm working through it with a therapist and doing my best to be open with the BF every step of the way. And, yeah, maybe it's a combo of both the issues you've mentioned but more likely an intimacy one. Or possibly depression. Ultimately, it's up to you and a good psych to sort it out and to keep your partner involved as part of the process. And know that a prescription won't always sort this out.
It bugs me when some people think intimacy is just good or bad sex - it's the whole package of sex, emotional, touching, support, communication, partnership - all of that combined. And when one part breaks down, you don't just trade in the whole thing for a new model.
Some relationships should fall into the DTMFA category - I've definitely been in a few of them over the years and was far too eager to stay and put up with too much unreasonable like drug abuse and serial cheating.
However, I really think some of the letters Dan gets here are from people who’ve already decided to take the DTMFA route rather than communicate or try and work out issues with their other half (as well as their OWN issues) and they're just writing him to get permission. I've been there. It's the easy way out. But when you constantly look for the simple solutions, you're missing the whole point of life. It's not supposed to always be perfect. It's supposed to be a challenge. And if you're fortunate enough to find someone in life whom you even want to go through it with, you've got to give it the best you can - and not wait years to deal with resentments and lack of communication. So many people stay in denial about problems with their partners until they fester to the point years later that they're no longer repairable or even negotiable. That's so sad.
I mean, what's the point of even having a partner if you aren't able talk about your intimate needs together? And if you'd rather run for the "greener grass" whenever something makes you emotionally uncomfortable, a lot of people are going to be chasing across lawns for a long time to come.
Stick with it, 61. I'm doing the same. Because I want to believe that when the "potential MFAs" like us are really doing their best to sort out their crap, if they’re worth it, those who are with us have to give it a chance.
Dan: When we do sort it out, watch out - when they tell us at the dinner table they think we need more sex together, we're going to be the ones who throw them down on the kitchen table and bang them silly.
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It bugs me when some people think intimacy is just good or bad sex - it's the whole package of sex, emotional, touching, support, communication, partnership - all of that combined. And when one part breaks down, you don't just trade in the whole thing for a new model.
Some relationships should fall into the DTMFA category - I've definitely been in a few of them over the years and was far too eager to stay and put up with too much unreasonable like drug abuse and serial cheating.
However, I really think some of the letters Dan gets here are from people who’ve already decided to take the DTMFA route rather than communicate or try and work out issues with their other half (as well as their OWN issues) and they're just writing him to get permission. I've been there. It's the easy way out. But when you constantly look for the simple solutions, you're missing the whole point of life. It's not supposed to always be perfect. It's supposed to be a challenge. And if you're fortunate enough to find someone in life whom you even want to go through it with, you've got to give it the best you can - and not wait years to deal with resentments and lack of communication. So many people stay in denial about problems with their partners until they fester to the point years later that they're no longer repairable or even negotiable. That's so sad.
I mean, what's the point of even having a partner if you aren't able talk about your intimate needs together? And if you'd rather run for the "greener grass" whenever something makes you emotionally uncomfortable, a lot of people are going to be chasing across lawns for a long time to come.
Stick with it, 61. I'm doing the same. Because I want to believe that when the "potential MFAs" like us are really doing their best to sort out their crap, if they’re worth it, those who are with us have to give it a chance.
Dan: When we do sort it out, watch out - when they tell us at the dinner table they think we need more sex together, we're going to be the ones who throw them down on the kitchen table and bang them silly.
69
@35: Yeah, I was so sad when I found about this for the first time from my BF. Goodbye, morning wood fantasies.
70
i'm in full agreement w/advise to try open relationships & communicate openly & directly. if you take a lover, that doesn't exclude the communication issue. communication is key.
i'm also in support of people getting divorced when they're miserable. kids or not. especially with kids, & yeah, don't shit talk the other parent to the kids. mine didn't divorce. i read the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" to comprehend my (2) ex's emotional damage. turns out most of the book described my own experiences w/only one or two chapters nailing my ex (of seven years). my parents could have saved their children misery by divorcing a decade or two ago.
btw: hormonal birth control ruined my "lifemate's" libido. deppo. don't. she refused to listen to me till it was already a terminal cycle of resentment. she did screw the guy i gave her permission to open relations with, within 1 month. cue curtain on the rest of our relationship. if you open your floundering relationship, you might encourage it's failure unless you ensure that you're not using that new lover as an avoidance technique.
i'm w/the ppl who said "get your priorities straight." if work or school is causing harm to your personal relationships, you have your head up your ass & shouldn't be in a committed (or involved) relationship. but don't cop out & blame your aversion methods after you've already started aversion. face the issue right away & don't bullshit yourself or your partner. decide what's more important & don't pretend for the sake of image or ego. pretenders aren't being loving, just assholes.
i appreciated the humorous but truthful begs to be hooked up with the horny ppl not getting enough. thing is, the ppl not getting enough are rarely willing to act on the issue. yes, they're writing in for permission to do something they don't want to be on them. i've had several female friends w/the problem. several developed interest in me that i turned away b/c i didn't want to be the guy they cheated with or used as an avoidance technique. when offered to do something openly (tell their husbands/boyfriends that they wanted to take a lover) they acted all coy / waffly / offended (how dare i make a suggestion to handle things honestly when they had their mind set on immediate gratification). one asked her husband for permission to have a sex partner & he gave permission but declared she couldn't be with me b/c he was insecure abt me. after he talked me down enough, she broke off our friendship. her now ex husband came to my blog & bitched & blamed me for innapropriate behavior. when he got a logical & rational shitstorm reply from myself & a couple of ppl who know me & the situation, he backpedaled & eventually evaporated.
ok i stfu now.
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i'm also in support of people getting divorced when they're miserable. kids or not. especially with kids, & yeah, don't shit talk the other parent to the kids. mine didn't divorce. i read the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" to comprehend my (2) ex's emotional damage. turns out most of the book described my own experiences w/only one or two chapters nailing my ex (of seven years). my parents could have saved their children misery by divorcing a decade or two ago.
btw: hormonal birth control ruined my "lifemate's" libido. deppo. don't. she refused to listen to me till it was already a terminal cycle of resentment. she did screw the guy i gave her permission to open relations with, within 1 month. cue curtain on the rest of our relationship. if you open your floundering relationship, you might encourage it's failure unless you ensure that you're not using that new lover as an avoidance technique.
i'm w/the ppl who said "get your priorities straight." if work or school is causing harm to your personal relationships, you have your head up your ass & shouldn't be in a committed (or involved) relationship. but don't cop out & blame your aversion methods after you've already started aversion. face the issue right away & don't bullshit yourself or your partner. decide what's more important & don't pretend for the sake of image or ego. pretenders aren't being loving, just assholes.
i appreciated the humorous but truthful begs to be hooked up with the horny ppl not getting enough. thing is, the ppl not getting enough are rarely willing to act on the issue. yes, they're writing in for permission to do something they don't want to be on them. i've had several female friends w/the problem. several developed interest in me that i turned away b/c i didn't want to be the guy they cheated with or used as an avoidance technique. when offered to do something openly (tell their husbands/boyfriends that they wanted to take a lover) they acted all coy / waffly / offended (how dare i make a suggestion to handle things honestly when they had their mind set on immediate gratification). one asked her husband for permission to have a sex partner & he gave permission but declared she couldn't be with me b/c he was insecure abt me. after he talked me down enough, she broke off our friendship. her now ex husband came to my blog & bitched & blamed me for innapropriate behavior. when he got a logical & rational shitstorm reply from myself & a couple of ppl who know me & the situation, he backpedaled & eventually evaporated.
ok i stfu now.
71
Ah, if only things were so simple.
Not that anybody cares about my personal experience, but since I've thought a few times about sending a very similar letter in to Dan (but decided not to because I assumed he got about 4,000,000 of the same letters a day - good job, intuition), and since this advice makes me depressed, I'm going to spew it here, anyway.
I did not realize I was a hyper-sexual person until I met my husband. I had only had intercourse with one person prior (my ex-husband -- and he was an incredibly selfish, lousy lover), and other sexual dabblings with only a few. My husband is an amazing lover. For a long time, there were no red flags about mismatched libidos, interests, etc. Having only had vanilla sex of a very poor quality before, I was thoroughly pleased with the extraordinary and relatively frequent vanilla sex we were having.
It was only after we were married that it became evident that there are problems. I am lustful. I NEED sex and it is very, very often on my mind. I am relatively vanilla, still, but enjoy spontaneity (of time, duration and location). My husband enjoys sex, but he doesn't need it. He doesn't crave it. And he doesn't do quickies (ever), and is very timid about location (nowhere even remotely "public," including our own backyard or other people's houses) and timing (the kids MUST be asleep, and I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex during daylight in 6 years). None of these things became apparent until (1) the honeymoon phase of the relationship - which lasted particularly long for us - wore off and he went from can't-get-enough-of-you mode to totally-love-you-but-am-settled-and-comfortable-mode; and (2) I started craving these things during the natural course of my journey to sexual maturity.
While he's been willing to make a lot of changes and step outside his comfort zone to try new things - including giving me permission to have a girlfriend (which is really highly impractical and I have no idea how I would even go about attracting a single girl-friend-with-benefits) - and while our relationship really is wonderful in every way INCLUDING in the bedroom while we're actually having sex - I just want to be craved. I want - perhaps even NEED - to know sometimes he simply cannot wait to get me home and fuck me into oblivion. And I want sex approximately 4x more often than we have it.
I love him, and things are well and good enough to cherish this relationship even though I'm not perfectly happy with everything. The bottom line is, a relationship will always have problems, and you have to decide whether the good makes the bad worth coping with, or not. But I think it's foolish to believe that just because the good more than makes up for the bad that the bad doesn't hurt. I choose to stay because staying is worth it, to me...but it doesn't mean I don't have a right to try to fix the things that are wrong, too. And because I'm selfish and foolishly optimistic, I refuse to believe the only two fixes are "break up" and "get fucked elsewhere" (although that second option would be appealing, if it weren't for my husband's pesky aversion to other wangs approaching my puss - prosthetic wangs excluded).
More...
Not that anybody cares about my personal experience, but since I've thought a few times about sending a very similar letter in to Dan (but decided not to because I assumed he got about 4,000,000 of the same letters a day - good job, intuition), and since this advice makes me depressed, I'm going to spew it here, anyway.
I did not realize I was a hyper-sexual person until I met my husband. I had only had intercourse with one person prior (my ex-husband -- and he was an incredibly selfish, lousy lover), and other sexual dabblings with only a few. My husband is an amazing lover. For a long time, there were no red flags about mismatched libidos, interests, etc. Having only had vanilla sex of a very poor quality before, I was thoroughly pleased with the extraordinary and relatively frequent vanilla sex we were having.
It was only after we were married that it became evident that there are problems. I am lustful. I NEED sex and it is very, very often on my mind. I am relatively vanilla, still, but enjoy spontaneity (of time, duration and location). My husband enjoys sex, but he doesn't need it. He doesn't crave it. And he doesn't do quickies (ever), and is very timid about location (nowhere even remotely "public," including our own backyard or other people's houses) and timing (the kids MUST be asleep, and I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex during daylight in 6 years). None of these things became apparent until (1) the honeymoon phase of the relationship - which lasted particularly long for us - wore off and he went from can't-get-enough-of-you mode to totally-love-you-but-am-settled-and-comfortable-mode; and (2) I started craving these things during the natural course of my journey to sexual maturity.
While he's been willing to make a lot of changes and step outside his comfort zone to try new things - including giving me permission to have a girlfriend (which is really highly impractical and I have no idea how I would even go about attracting a single girl-friend-with-benefits) - and while our relationship really is wonderful in every way INCLUDING in the bedroom while we're actually having sex - I just want to be craved. I want - perhaps even NEED - to know sometimes he simply cannot wait to get me home and fuck me into oblivion. And I want sex approximately 4x more often than we have it.
I love him, and things are well and good enough to cherish this relationship even though I'm not perfectly happy with everything. The bottom line is, a relationship will always have problems, and you have to decide whether the good makes the bad worth coping with, or not. But I think it's foolish to believe that just because the good more than makes up for the bad that the bad doesn't hurt. I choose to stay because staying is worth it, to me...but it doesn't mean I don't have a right to try to fix the things that are wrong, too. And because I'm selfish and foolishly optimistic, I refuse to believe the only two fixes are "break up" and "get fucked elsewhere" (although that second option would be appealing, if it weren't for my husband's pesky aversion to other wangs approaching my puss - prosthetic wangs excluded).
72
I think that sometimes people need to be brutally honest with each other. My boyfriend and I went through a phase. He didn't want to fuck me, but I wanted sex from him all day every day, if I could get it. He'd jerk off 2-4 times a day, so I knew that he was horny. Finally, after months of asking him, he finally told me that I had gained some weight and he didn't find me sexually attractive anymore. He loves sexy panties too- that's his fetish. Plus, he was unhappy with sex before sleep, but trust me- I tried everything. So after lots of fighting, I lost a lot of weight, bought sexy lingerie, and told him what I was into. The fact that people started noticing that I was looking so much better, made his interest perk up. He didn't want to tell me anything because he thought that it would hurt my feelings, but he didn't realize that by not saying anything that my self esteem was going down and I was always feeling rejected.
So now, if he's not in the mood for sex, I offer him a blowjob, handjob, him to jerk off and cum in my mouth while looking at porn, ANYTHING. And it helps being able to do other stuff.
But also, if a man has a low sex drive, HAVE HIM GO TO A DOCTOR. He could be depressed, have low zinc levels, stressed, think his woman is fat, anything. But those need to be weighed out, but people... talk. And be brutally honest, and SAY WHAT YOU NEED AND HOW YOU FEEL.
So now, if he's not in the mood for sex, I offer him a blowjob, handjob, him to jerk off and cum in my mouth while looking at porn, ANYTHING. And it helps being able to do other stuff.
But also, if a man has a low sex drive, HAVE HIM GO TO A DOCTOR. He could be depressed, have low zinc levels, stressed, think his woman is fat, anything. But those need to be weighed out, but people... talk. And be brutally honest, and SAY WHAT YOU NEED AND HOW YOU FEEL.
73
Sorry to rant- one thing that actually did help in being able to address low sex issues, kinks, questions, and pussy eating, was reading Dan's columns to him. I would read all different ones from the archives, and we would talk about them. I would bring up questions, ask how he felt, and turn the question around on him. I think that him hearing about other peoples problems made him more able to talk about his problems and hangups. So now, he eats my pussy, we have sex, we mutually masturbate, talk about porn, lkinks, likes, dislikes... and our sexlife has totally TOTALLY improved. And I'm happier, he's happier... and because I had him be honest with me, my health and body has improved too (from losing weight).
74
Wow, Loveschild has a hot, sex-drenched life. I would not have guessed that. Good on ya, gender-indeterminate person. I mean, only if you're having all the hot sex you want could you think that sexually incompatible folks are fake. I personally am a woman whose husband's sex drive is much, much lower than mine (mainly due to medical stuff). But everything else in the marriage is so wonderful that I really don't mind getting my sexual needs met elsewhere (with his approval, of course). Sure, I wish our marital relations were as frequent, freaky, and spine-tingling as Loveschild's are but heck. We can't all be so lucky.
75
Sex comes and goes, but love is worth hanging onto.
Sometimes when people write in to Dan, he starts talking about sex, but what they are trying pitifully to hint at is love. "Why won't he FUCK me?" versus "I can't make her love me."
Love allows you to almost painlessly laugh off setbacks (even of the sexual variety!) and even the truly painful sacrifices feel oddly satisfying. When the husband is deployed three years out of your five-year marriage. When the wife gives birth twice in under two years.
Where there is no love, though, we get all this cheap talk about who is entitled to what. The least little deprivation feels like a famine.
And if there is no love, then yes, DTMFA, or whatever it is.
Sometimes when people write in to Dan, he starts talking about sex, but what they are trying pitifully to hint at is love. "Why won't he FUCK me?" versus "I can't make her love me."
Love allows you to almost painlessly laugh off setbacks (even of the sexual variety!) and even the truly painful sacrifices feel oddly satisfying. When the husband is deployed three years out of your five-year marriage. When the wife gives birth twice in under two years.
Where there is no love, though, we get all this cheap talk about who is entitled to what. The least little deprivation feels like a famine.
And if there is no love, then yes, DTMFA, or whatever it is.
76
Dear deadchicken,
I think my newfound love for you might actually get me through all my sexual problems, perhaps even with this "odd satisfaction" you reference.
Honestly, though, I think what you're saying is insightful and in a sense makes me feel like a shallow, selfish twit who clearly just doesn't love her husband enough. But I do have to wonder - at what point does the "least little deprivation" actually *become* a famine by virtue of its continued presence or perceived endlessness? The examples you gave have clear ends in sight - eventually those two little ones will grow, eventually the husband will return from deployment. Those truly are "setbacks" and not potentially endless states of being.
The only end to sexual dissatisfaction in a loving, committed relationship is not through enduring it endlessly in the name of love, but by actively working together to address and alleviate the problem. Unfortunately, a need, or perhaps even a compelling desire, that continues to be unmet over and over - even if you have chosen to martyr yourself for the sake of the relationship with regard to that particular need - stands a very good chance of undermining the very love that allows you to make that sacrifice. And IMHO, this is *especially* true of sex, which for many people is their primary outlet for expression of that love.
I think my newfound love for you might actually get me through all my sexual problems, perhaps even with this "odd satisfaction" you reference.
Honestly, though, I think what you're saying is insightful and in a sense makes me feel like a shallow, selfish twit who clearly just doesn't love her husband enough. But I do have to wonder - at what point does the "least little deprivation" actually *become* a famine by virtue of its continued presence or perceived endlessness? The examples you gave have clear ends in sight - eventually those two little ones will grow, eventually the husband will return from deployment. Those truly are "setbacks" and not potentially endless states of being.
The only end to sexual dissatisfaction in a loving, committed relationship is not through enduring it endlessly in the name of love, but by actively working together to address and alleviate the problem. Unfortunately, a need, or perhaps even a compelling desire, that continues to be unmet over and over - even if you have chosen to martyr yourself for the sake of the relationship with regard to that particular need - stands a very good chance of undermining the very love that allows you to make that sacrifice. And IMHO, this is *especially* true of sex, which for many people is their primary outlet for expression of that love.
77
Deadchicken,
you're right, and you're wrong. There are situations in which love is the answer (or the driving energy behind all solution), and there are situation in which love will only get you hurt.
There is wisdom in knowing that not all cases are alike, that what worked once may not work again, as well as that what worked once may well work again.
Just as it is true that there are selfish people who will leave anything on a whim because of their self-centered personalities ('it's all me-me-me!'), it is also true that there are people who have been sacrificing themselves for others for so long that their feeling of love has been harmed and curdled into "duty".
The advice that is right for one of these two kinds of people is not right for the other. And yes, immature people in both sides will take advantage of the existence of advice for the other side to claim that they are entitled to do what they're doing. Selfish people will say "but I have to think of my own needs, too!"; and those who ossified into duty will say "but after all what matters is love". And neither will see what their real problem is, because each is trying to (consciously or unconsciously) justify the continuation of his/her behavior rather than to rethink said behavior.
Love is great. So is happiness. Curiously, they don't often coincide -- which is the excuse for the existence of most of art and literature.
you're right, and you're wrong. There are situations in which love is the answer (or the driving energy behind all solution), and there are situation in which love will only get you hurt.
There is wisdom in knowing that not all cases are alike, that what worked once may not work again, as well as that what worked once may well work again.
Just as it is true that there are selfish people who will leave anything on a whim because of their self-centered personalities ('it's all me-me-me!'), it is also true that there are people who have been sacrificing themselves for others for so long that their feeling of love has been harmed and curdled into "duty".
The advice that is right for one of these two kinds of people is not right for the other. And yes, immature people in both sides will take advantage of the existence of advice for the other side to claim that they are entitled to do what they're doing. Selfish people will say "but I have to think of my own needs, too!"; and those who ossified into duty will say "but after all what matters is love". And neither will see what their real problem is, because each is trying to (consciously or unconsciously) justify the continuation of his/her behavior rather than to rethink said behavior.
Love is great. So is happiness. Curiously, they don't often coincide -- which is the excuse for the existence of most of art and literature.
78
Deadchicken,
you're right, of course. And you're wrong, too.
There is nothing in life that has only one answer. Situations vary, contexts are different, people are different, feelings are different. To want to see everything as either love or non-love is to mock life.
Love is a wonderful source of energy and a great state of being. Happiness is also a wonderful state and a great goal to strive towards. Sadly, they don't always coincide -- which is the excuse for the existence of most art and literature.
Just as it is true that there are selfish people who will not endure because their love is not strong enough (or their real love is to themselves, not to their partners -- "it's all about me-me-me!"), it is also true that there are people who allowed problems, deprivations, hungers, undiscussed and unresolved issues to ossify their feeling of love into "duty" ("screw me, the other is what matters!").
So advice given to people belonging to the former group is not helpful to people of the latter group. Yet because advice exists for both, immature people from each group will misuse the existing advice for people of the other group as excuses. The selfish person will say, "but at some point I need to think of my needs" to justify whatever s/he wants to do (to mask the "me-me-me!"). The person with the ossified love will say "but in the end all that matters is love!" to justify whatever s/he thinks s/he "has" to go on doing (no matter how much this makes him/her, or his/her partner, friends, and children, suffer).
And, perhaps worse yet, most of us have to steer our way not fully (or not always, not in every case, not in every relationship) belonging to either group.
Life's complicated, deadchicken. I'm sure your advice was well-meant, but it is incomplete. And it will make people (of many groups, as well as a few "sui generis" as well) feel sadder. Was that what you had intended?
More...
you're right, of course. And you're wrong, too.
There is nothing in life that has only one answer. Situations vary, contexts are different, people are different, feelings are different. To want to see everything as either love or non-love is to mock life.
Love is a wonderful source of energy and a great state of being. Happiness is also a wonderful state and a great goal to strive towards. Sadly, they don't always coincide -- which is the excuse for the existence of most art and literature.
Just as it is true that there are selfish people who will not endure because their love is not strong enough (or their real love is to themselves, not to their partners -- "it's all about me-me-me!"), it is also true that there are people who allowed problems, deprivations, hungers, undiscussed and unresolved issues to ossify their feeling of love into "duty" ("screw me, the other is what matters!").
So advice given to people belonging to the former group is not helpful to people of the latter group. Yet because advice exists for both, immature people from each group will misuse the existing advice for people of the other group as excuses. The selfish person will say, "but at some point I need to think of my needs" to justify whatever s/he wants to do (to mask the "me-me-me!"). The person with the ossified love will say "but in the end all that matters is love!" to justify whatever s/he thinks s/he "has" to go on doing (no matter how much this makes him/her, or his/her partner, friends, and children, suffer).
And, perhaps worse yet, most of us have to steer our way not fully (or not always, not in every case, not in every relationship) belonging to either group.
Life's complicated, deadchicken. I'm sure your advice was well-meant, but it is incomplete. And it will make people (of many groups, as well as a few "sui generis" as well) feel sadder. Was that what you had intended?
79
krista1203, I have a (male) friend who is exactly in the same situation as you. Being horny all the time and married to the woman of his dreams who turned out not to be horny more than 1/4 of the time, and who became less and less horny as time went by (plus the added stress of knowing she was not really satisfying him, which in a perverse way made her want even less sex), he suffered in silence for several years, then started talking to her about that more openly for a few more years -- she could see the logical point of allowing him to get some sex outside of their marriage, but she was sooo worried that he would fall in love with someone else and leave her. It didn't help that he's 8 years younger than her and is the kind of hyperactive nice guys that gets hit on by girls all the time. That of course just made her few more insecure.
They reached a don't-ask-don't-tell agreement a few years ago, and that has allowed him to stabilize. It's far from optimal, but at least they are together and keep sharing all the other things that make their lives together worthwhile. Or so, at least, it seems to me.
Your situation seems a little better than his (in his case, the sex, which he says used to be pretty amazing, went downhill after she realized he wasn't being satisfied--her insecurities and anxiety about this fact made the sex they were having decrease in quality). Still, by watching him -- he is such a considerate fellow, and very much a feminist/egalitarian who hates the fact that his dad was a selfish skirt chaser who cheated on his mom and made her suffer by flaunting it -- and seeing what a toll it takes on him, on his energy, on his overall optimism and attitude to life, the actual suffering he goes through...
You have my sympathy. I hope you and your husband reach a good agreement that allows you to have lovers (including the practical side of how-do-I-get-a-lover-or-friend-with-benefits) who crave you as you want to be craved, and stay sane, healthy, and committed to your relationship.
Good luck! Sincerely.
More...
They reached a don't-ask-don't-tell agreement a few years ago, and that has allowed him to stabilize. It's far from optimal, but at least they are together and keep sharing all the other things that make their lives together worthwhile. Or so, at least, it seems to me.
Your situation seems a little better than his (in his case, the sex, which he says used to be pretty amazing, went downhill after she realized he wasn't being satisfied--her insecurities and anxiety about this fact made the sex they were having decrease in quality). Still, by watching him -- he is such a considerate fellow, and very much a feminist/egalitarian who hates the fact that his dad was a selfish skirt chaser who cheated on his mom and made her suffer by flaunting it -- and seeing what a toll it takes on him, on his energy, on his overall optimism and attitude to life, the actual suffering he goes through...
You have my sympathy. I hope you and your husband reach a good agreement that allows you to have lovers (including the practical side of how-do-I-get-a-lover-or-friend-with-benefits) who crave you as you want to be craved, and stay sane, healthy, and committed to your relationship.
Good luck! Sincerely.
80
Thank you, ankylosaur! Your sentiments are much appreciated. :)
This article sparked yet another conversation about the state of our sex life, and small developments are regularly being made. It has become evident that it MAY be possible there is not exactly a physical or chemical libido issue, but that my husband has psychological issues which challenge his ability to *exhibit* his libido. It's complicated, of course, but he has agreed to (1) work on learning about and attempting to change the issue; and (2) seek counseling to help with (1).
Since that talk he has made me feel wonderfully lusted after and we've had mind-blowing sex TWO nights in a row. SHAZAAM! And, talks continue as to the opening of our relationship on some level, whether for the purpose of my fulfillment, only, or the extension of our joint love life to include some new experiences.
So, here's to continuing to talk about your problems, having a husband who is GGG to the fullest extent possible for him, and not DTMFA when even a glimmer of hope for improvement remains. :)
This article sparked yet another conversation about the state of our sex life, and small developments are regularly being made. It has become evident that it MAY be possible there is not exactly a physical or chemical libido issue, but that my husband has psychological issues which challenge his ability to *exhibit* his libido. It's complicated, of course, but he has agreed to (1) work on learning about and attempting to change the issue; and (2) seek counseling to help with (1).
Since that talk he has made me feel wonderfully lusted after and we've had mind-blowing sex TWO nights in a row. SHAZAAM! And, talks continue as to the opening of our relationship on some level, whether for the purpose of my fulfillment, only, or the extension of our joint love life to include some new experiences.
So, here's to continuing to talk about your problems, having a husband who is GGG to the fullest extent possible for him, and not DTMFA when even a glimmer of hope for improvement remains. :)
81
Greta Christina's awesome blog on why you could've given two more seconds of brainstorming to this before giving the sucky and thoughtless advice of telling them all to dump each other.
http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/mis-mat…
http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/mis-mat…
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