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News & ArtsWednesday, April 7, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: An Update & A Message For Constance
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Apr 7, 2010 at 7:21 AM
I wrote in to Savage love about two years ago, when I was a 16-year-old who was being tortured by my parents for being gay after they found porn on the family computer. Here is the column that my letter appeared in, in case you have forgotten.My dad, a very religious asshole, engineered much of this suffering. Well, two years made all the difference. My mom and my dad got a divorce, my mother got full custody, and I haven't seen my dad in eight months. My mom has apologized endlessly for her badgering of me, she cried when explaining how my father browbeat her into submission on the issue. She explained that the reason she nearly broke into tears when I told her that I didn't have a girlfriend wasn't because she was disappointed in me, as my father had told me, but because she knew that with every passing day my father would treat me worse and worse, and because she knew that there was nothing to be done about it.
Now that the monster is gone, my mom accepts me, I have privacy, I have a boyfriend who my mother has met and likes a reasonable amount, and I no longer feel a constant strangling pressure to conform. I can't explain through mere words how relieving it is, how life-changing my parent's divorce was, and how much I appreciate the help you gave me two years ago. I'm writing this because, on the off chance you were still concerned with me or even remember my circumstances, I figured that you would appreciate some closure. My sign of then was "Christian Parents Angrily Chastise," but that no longer works. Sign me...
I.J.
I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear from you, I.J. I'm so happy to hear that your circumstances have improved—and your mother's circumstances too. Thank you for writing. And please tell your mom that I take back all the names I called her. The names I called your father, however, sadly still apply. Here's hoping he comes around some day. If not, I.J., always remember that it's his loss, not yours.
And thanks for drawing my attention to the column that your letter appeared in, I.J., because there was some advice in that column for a lesbian going to school in a small town, a girl whose classmates were being cruel. The advice I gave to "Tired And Losing It" two years ago sounds like it could've been written for Constance McMillen, a lesbian high school student who is being abused by her cruel classmates, their asshole parents, and the lying fucksticks who run at her high school in Fulton, Mississippi. That advice—originally for TALI, and now for Constance—is after the jump.
And while you're talking to yourself in the mornings, TALI, tell yourself this, too: "Fuck my school, fuck my classmates, and fuck this town." The shits conspiring to make you miserable, TALI, are unlikely to have lives anywhere near as interesting as the one on which you're about to embark. Your classmates are making you miserable now because they know, deep down in their little black hearts, that their lives are going to be duller than day-old douche water compared to yours. Their lives aren't going to be dull because they're straight, TALI, but because the value they place on conformity—that's the reason they feel they have a right to abuse you now—is a prison they've constructed around themselves.Right now they're making you feel like an outcast, TALI, and the malice stings. But what exactly are they casting you out of? Your high school? Their asshole cliques? That shit town? You haven't been cast out, TALI; you've been liberated. Freed. Sprung.
1
Dan, this could also go under your recurring, "Every Child Needs A Mother And A Father" columns - obviously THIS child needed a divorced, empowered, single mother. God bless them both!
3
I grew up in a tiny town in Western Pennsylvania that was utterly repressive and homophobic. If Constance or any other young gay person should happen to read this, I would second Dan's advice and say from someone who's been there: it gets better. It DOES get better, and once you're out of that poisoned atmosphere, it gets better so quickly that pretty soon all of that bullshit you had to endure seems like a bad dream - not forgotten, but no longer something to fear.
5
Thanks! I've been feeling bad for Constance all week, and trying to remember when this old letter from the lesbian teen had run because I thought it was germane. Obviously I was not alone in thinking that. Hey Constance! come out and live in the Pacific Northwest---it's a total lesbo-topia in places like Eugene, Portland, and Seattle.
Thanks also I.J. for the story about your mom's divorce saving you---which has been reenacted in my life this last year. As a single mom whose ex was abusing the kid, it's nice to see how things look from the other end. Best wishes to you and your mom!
Thanks also I.J. for the story about your mom's divorce saving you---which has been reenacted in my life this last year. As a single mom whose ex was abusing the kid, it's nice to see how things look from the other end. Best wishes to you and your mom!
6
Many of histories greatest people suffered derision and disdain for daring to believe in themselves. These young people's stories are inspirations for those that come after them. I love them and their courage.
7
Running away can work.
It is a big world and there is always someplace new to run away from life's problems to....
It is a big world and there is always someplace new to run away from life's problems to....
8
High School is designed to take absolutely anyone different, anyone uninterested or incapable of comformity, and submitting them to psychological (and sometimes physical) torture. Most are too terrified to step out of line, lest they also be marked as "other". For those of us who simply don't care to (or couldn't even if we weanted to) submit to the arbitrary superficial rules of High School, adolescence is typically tortuous. Don't let the mediocre people trying to force you into the mold they are incapable of leaving win by permanently crippling you emotionally.
Its over before you know it. And then its college and The World. Look around at folks you may admire. You'll find that many many of them were bullied, because they were always different. Those who excel are different by definition.
Its over before you know it. And then its college and The World. Look around at folks you may admire. You'll find that many many of them were bullied, because they were always different. Those who excel are different by definition.
9
5
Just be sure to learn the rules of the road in lesbo-topia and conform to them-
Constance will need to leave her Christian faith at home, and that accent is sure to get her labeled an ignorant hick by a lot of enlightened hipsters. Plus Constance is a little on the chubby side and we know how Dan feels about that. And, heaven forbid, if Constance gives a boy a second look you know bis are traitors to 'the cause'...
Just be sure to learn the rules of the road in lesbo-topia and conform to them-
Constance will need to leave her Christian faith at home, and that accent is sure to get her labeled an ignorant hick by a lot of enlightened hipsters. Plus Constance is a little on the chubby side and we know how Dan feels about that. And, heaven forbid, if Constance gives a boy a second look you know bis are traitors to 'the cause'...
10
Here's my email of this morning to Superintendent McNeece:
Superintendent,
I propose that the IAHS commencement speaker should be Carolyn King Miller, the only black girl at Jones Valley High school in 1965, who went to her prom only to find out that none of the other students were there; they had all gone to a secret bigot prom she wasn’t invited to. It might help your students understand their place in history.
Unless, of course, your students and their parents are planning on having a secret bigot graduation ceremony from which Constance, the special needs kids, and other undesirables will be excluded.
* * *
Feel free to make a similar recommendation to the Superintendent if you agree. It seems both the school administration and the students (and a fair number of local citizens) could use a lesson in civil rights and basic human decency and courtesy.
Superintendent,
I propose that the IAHS commencement speaker should be Carolyn King Miller, the only black girl at Jones Valley High school in 1965, who went to her prom only to find out that none of the other students were there; they had all gone to a secret bigot prom she wasn’t invited to. It might help your students understand their place in history.
Unless, of course, your students and their parents are planning on having a secret bigot graduation ceremony from which Constance, the special needs kids, and other undesirables will be excluded.
* * *
Feel free to make a similar recommendation to the Superintendent if you agree. It seems both the school administration and the students (and a fair number of local citizens) could use a lesson in civil rights and basic human decency and courtesy.
11
The advice to TALI and Constance was perfect. I was just like them. I was a fat sissy boy in a little town in the deep south, badgered and bullied and made to feel like an outcast. Best thing that ever happened to me. It liberated me to go out in the world and meet different kinds of people. Now I live in a big city 1000 miles away with lots of interesting friends I would never have met had I tried to be a conformist to that town. I recently got some information on my high school reunion and I am the only one who's moved far away. Everyone else is within about 50 miles of that stultifying place. I will not be attending. I didn't like those people then and I certainly don't like them now.
14
@ 13, your Cobain shoutout reminded me of John Cameron Mitchell's in the movie before his song about the "pious, hateful and devout", so, a little thread music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlW6FBEuK…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlW6FBEuK…
15
Fuck. Wrong Constance thread. I'm getting too old for the Internet. You can imagine how proud I was of that "paste the URL" task I performed, too.
16
I am rewriting the lyrics to "Little Boxes on the Hillside*" with my coffee. "Little Boxes in Itawamba"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmNSEbgt1…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmNSEbgt1…
17
I want to add that even if your parents and classmates are reasonably accepting, it still gets way better, every year, every decade, because you attain more wisdom, make awesome friends and have wonderful experiences. It sucks to be stuck in a small school in a small town even when you're not being oppressed, simply because the chances of finding love (or even close gay friends) are vanishingly small. That all changes once you become an adult and get on with your life. Good luck!
18
@7
I appreciate the sentiment about running away, but except in extreme circumstances its not particularly useful advice. The National Runaway Hotline estimates that 40% of the 1.4 million runaways in the country are glbt youth - that's 640,000 at huge risk.
There are very few resources specifically for these kids, leaving them vulnerable to drug abuse, sexual exploitation, and all the other threats to their health and well-being that come with not having shelter or an education.
Yes, we do hear from the fortunate few who ran away and got lucky with finding support to finish school, stay safe and have a great life. But they are a small minority of these kids. Dan's right about advising teens to assess their situation and, if necessary, stay in the closet until finishing school.
Running away should be an absolute last choice. Any teen who is forced to run away should contact the National Runaway Hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-786-2929) and check out http://www.nationalsafeplace.org/teens/.
I appreciate the sentiment about running away, but except in extreme circumstances its not particularly useful advice. The National Runaway Hotline estimates that 40% of the 1.4 million runaways in the country are glbt youth - that's 640,000 at huge risk.
There are very few resources specifically for these kids, leaving them vulnerable to drug abuse, sexual exploitation, and all the other threats to their health and well-being that come with not having shelter or an education.
Yes, we do hear from the fortunate few who ran away and got lucky with finding support to finish school, stay safe and have a great life. But they are a small minority of these kids. Dan's right about advising teens to assess their situation and, if necessary, stay in the closet until finishing school.
Running away should be an absolute last choice. Any teen who is forced to run away should contact the National Runaway Hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-786-2929) and check out http://www.nationalsafeplace.org/teens/.
20
Bigg, sounds like we grew up in the same area. I grew up in a small town in Southwestern PA. I'm not gay but a free-thinking atheist and never really had many real friends until I moved to Pittsburgh. It may not be a liberal mecca, but the diversity is such a relief compared to my hometown. Even moving to a small-major city can be liberating.
22
Oh Kim thanks. All better now. She's doing just beautifully, and she learned that when she spoke up (she didn't tell me for some time) people heard her and acted to protect her. Not a bad lesson for any teen. Her father is just clueless, toxic, controlling, and utterly charming until you know him well enough to see underneath the veneer. (She's a big fan of Constance btw, and of anyone who stands up for herself.)
23
@18: @7 is being sarcastic, claiming that getting the fuck out of town after high school because people are assholes amounts to running away from your problems.
24
This was one of my all time favorite Dan Savage Advice. I too was recalling this throughout this whole mess. I don't know Constance but I am willing to bet she has a "countdown to freedom" calendar on her bedroom wall.
25
I am pretty sure Constance is going to get out of that shit town and have a fabulous gay life. The sooner the better. She would be very welcome in Seattle.
26
The only thing making me sad about Constance getting out of her bigoted town is that she'd leave her family behind, and they seem really wonderful. I hope they all find a way to pull-up stakes and clear out of that hell hole.
27
Constance- come to Lewis & Clark in Portland! I know a lot of LGBTs here, and a whole lot more allies, who would love to welcome you into queer-topia.
28
I remember the original column and IJ's letter, and I specifically remember Dan's advice. Closure IS good.
I came out to my mom a year ago this Sunday, and our relationship hasn't changed. She still loves me just the same as before I told her. Mothers seem to have a big heart for their sons, especially if you're the first born. Kudos to your mom for being the rock you needed...it seems like your sexuality gave her the courage she needed to leave a bad situation.
I'm VERY glad to see that you have a happy life now IJ. :-)
I came out to my mom a year ago this Sunday, and our relationship hasn't changed. She still loves me just the same as before I told her. Mothers seem to have a big heart for their sons, especially if you're the first born. Kudos to your mom for being the rock you needed...it seems like your sexuality gave her the courage she needed to leave a bad situation.
I'm VERY glad to see that you have a happy life now IJ. :-)
29
you know, I was scrolling through the archives and re-read that letter a few days ago. It's good to know things have gotten so much better for him :)
31
I'm a philosophy PhD student at a fancy private university. When this letter was published two years ago, I was an undergrad taking a moral philosophy class, and I used Dan's advice as a case study for a paper on "collaborative self-deception" -- the way that people join to enable one person to deceive himself about some fact that he can't come to terms with.
I've worried about CPAC (née IP) off and on since then, and I'm so happy to hear it turned out well.
I've worried about CPAC (née IP) off and on since then, and I'm so happy to hear it turned out well.
32
Aww. This is great. Glad to hear things worked out for this kid, I'm sure they will turn out ok for Constance, too.
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