Mmm... Delicious... You Must Have Stepped In Vomit On Your Way to the Airport, Am I Right?
by Dan Savage
on Mon, Mar 15, 2010 at 3:28 PM
So... the presumably crazy lady gets on the flight with a dog. A giant, yellow, hairy deadly-dander-covered dog. She's late! She's got lots of carry on bags! But there's no more room in the overhead compartments because she's late! And presumably crazy! Everyone has to drop everything and HELP HER! And, once her bags are sorted, the presumably crazy lady naturally plops her presumably crazy ass down next to my definitely-allergic-to-dogs-and-very-serioulsy-asthmatic-and-not-sure-I-brought-my-inhaler ass and proceeds to vigorously pet her "companion animal." Because she's presumably CRAZY and if her companion animal's hair and dander isn't floating all over the airplane with her then presumably she'll presumably CRAZY AND SAD. Presumably.
After the presumably crazy lady falls asleep I ask the flight attendants WTF?
"We've had horses—mini ones—on planes. And monkeys. It's awful," says FA #1.
"It all went downhill after they started letting children on planes," says FA #2.
And, yeah, I know—first class, bitches! I had a complimentary soda water served to me in an actual glass and a complimentary bag of Sun Chips served to me in an actual bag of Sun Chips and an actual asthma attack courtesy of the presumably crazy lady and a huge yellow dog sprawled out at the floor on top of my feet. The dog LICKED MY SHOES after the presumably crazy lady went to sleep. Which as every knows is dog for, "Hey, man, I don't like the crazy lady anymore than you do. Got any food?"