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News & ArtsWednesday, March 10, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: The Boy In Question...
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Mar 10, 2010 at 2:58 PM
On March 10, a friend tweeted that his first letter to you had been published. After reading his introduction (as WBAGI), I realized he was talking about ME!!!! Yes, I am that 20-something kinky young man cheating on his uber-monogamous vanilla boyfriend.Since telling WBAI about my issue with my boyfriend, and hearing his advice, my boyfriend and I broke up. We live together, so I've since moved into another bedroom and am currently looking for another place to live. Several days after officially ending things, he and I had the "break-up" fight. Needless to say, there were some things that neither one of us were proud of, like my cheating on him, and his inability to meet needs other than my interest in BDSM. The rest of the day, he wouldn't even be in the room with me for more than 5 minutes, let alone talk to me about what he was feeling. I, on the other hand, felt a little liberated, without having to grieve or mourn the passing of our relationship.
The next day, however, he told me he loved me, and if I'd have him, he wanted to get back together with me. Since then, he's shown progress in meeting my needs, such as showing me affection, love-making, and physical contact. The subject of BDSM has not come up, but as both you and WBAGI said, I don't think I'll be truly "happy with a vanilla monogamist who grudgingly allows [me] to play with other guys."
Should I give him a chance to prove himself, or should I get the heck out of his life and build my own?
Kinky Twenty-Something
My response after the jump...
On the one hand...
If you felt no regret whatsoever about the end of this relationship—indeed, KTS, it sounds like you were downright elated—and if one of the primary reasons for the break up (BDSM) didn't "come up" when you had your let's-get-back-together chat the next day, odds are good that you're delaying the inevitable. He's coming through with the love-making, the hugs, the kisses, etc., but what about the dungeon parties and messing around with other guys? Where is he on all of that?
On the other hand...
I personally know a handful of kinky guys who dumped and then got back together with vanilla/non-GGG boyfriends, guys who are now in successful, happy, healthy, and hugely kinky LTRs with ex-vanilla, oui-GGG boyfriends. Somehow or other, KTS, lots of vanilla boys (and girls) manage to convince themselves that if they stonewall long enough—and refuse to indulge or discuss, all the while silently judging and condemning—their partner's kinks will magically evaporate.
It's only when they're dumped—or when it dawns on them that, yes, their partners are prepared to leave them over something as "silly" and "inconsequential" as sexual fulfillment—that they suddenly realize that 1. their partner's kinks are not going to evaporate and 2. [name of kink here] doesn't isn't really all that awful.
So, KTS, I'm inclined to tell you to dump him because, again, I don't think you'll be happy with a vanilla monogamist who grudgingly allows you to play with other guys. But there's a small chance that your boyfriend, now that he's properly motivated, and with your loving encouragement, could become the non-vanilla non-monogamist of your dreams, a partner who not only cheerfully allows you to go to dungeon parties and play with other guys but who wants to go with you to those parties.
If you love him, if you see some potential, this relationship might be worth the investment of another few months.
5
9
10
Nixontapes, I was going to mention that you are also RIP, but then I realized you are not Nixon. The tapes live on. I look forward to the day when Kissinger is also RIP. No offense, I know you contain many hours of him sucking Nixon's cock (not literally, of course), but the guy's totally evil.
12
16
Just don't get pregnant!
Okay, KTS, here's the bad news: love isn't enough. Sorry that every love story you've heard for the last 20-something years lied to you, but they did. Here's the good news: you can make it work. As Dan said, there are successful long-term kinky/non-kinky couples (I know several). It ain't easy. Don't imagine for an instant that it is easy, it's not.
Here are a couple of warning signs that there's really not any hope: The monogamy question. Tackle the tough one first. If you can sort through this one and both be on the same page, there's a future. Gretta Christina has some good writing about the topic. If you can't, it's over. You're not compatible and you're not ever going to be. You don't have to resolve it today, but you do need to reach an equilibrium on it. AND (here's an important point that's frequently forgotten) the rules may change over time. (i.e., 19 years ago when my Daddy collared me, playing around was okay but 1) not at home and 2) only one-offs; 10 years in, I'm enjoying some things that are not first-date material, so the "not at home" rule stands, but some things you don't want to do with strangers. I'll also mention that the repeat partners are into things my Daddy isn't.)
The kink: If you're looking to be a 24/7 boy/slave/pup, you can't rewire him. If you're a scene-only sub (or you're not even a sub and just get off on whatever kink you're going to dungeon parties for), you can probably make it work. If there's nothing that turns his crank about your kinks, you're going to have a hell of a time having a fulfilling scene with him. This is not insurmountable so long as you reach an understanding of how you're going to have those needs met (and how you're going to meet his needs). The corollary for you (and this is not easy either) is to maintain your boundaries when playing with others (i.e., don't go falling in love). My standing rules: Be good. Be careful. Be home in time for breakfast (seriously, this is important to my husband--sex is one thing, but breakfast is an intimacy that belongs to him).
To your last question, You have to build your own life. Keeping the current BF in it is safe for you (and him too). There are good reasons to stay together. There are good reasons to break it off. You've both got a whole lot of growing up to do in the next few weeks. Adult relationships are messy. It's not a question of him "proving" himself to you. It's a question of whether the two of you can both continue to get what you need from this relationship. I hope you can. There's another unfortunate truth though--the past part of your relationship is over. You can build another one to move forward with, but neither of your can pick up the old one where it was a week ago and pretend it hasn't changed. If either of you tries to do that, it's not just doomed, it's utterly doomed and you should run away as quickly as possible.
19
I was you once, except we drew the break-up out on and off for years.
I think you can totally meet in your 20s and grow up together and grow old together. But it's more likely, especially since gay men tend not to have the dating/sexual experience of their straight peers, that you meet in your 20s, fall in love with your 20s, figure out who you are a couple three or four times, and realize you aren't meant to be together when you start going in different directions. My first love and I went back and forth and back and forth, each time giving into each other's rules and trying to rewrite the rules.. But we were too incompatible. And I just ended up hurting him and him hurting me and me hurting myself.
I was with this guy for most of my 20s, and certainly insert all the cliched bits about not trading any of it for the world because it led me to who I am today. yadda, yadda. But we ended it just in time. I had all kinds of wild kinky fun after we broke up and we eventually came around to being friends again. Now I found the kinky awesome guy I'm with now, and my ex found a pretty awesome guy for himself. And he's still one of my best friends. But if we'd stayed together to try it "one more time" beyond the point where we finally cut the cord, we'd never have gotten back to this point.. Have the balls to cut him lose if you even remotely think you should.
20
@20 Ending relationships, kids and mortgage or not, is tough.
24
Next guy to be looking for, given your desires:
He likes BDSM and other sexual adventures, and wants his partner to also. In fact, he LOVES seeing you with other guys having the time of your life. You should too.
He believes in emotional fidelity but not sexual exclusivity. Too many young queers tie themselves into the het monogamy-'till-death-do-us-part schtick, until it makes them part. And it will, guaranteed- you're men.
His values about family, money, work and what's important in life match up with yours. Love is great, but it doesn't overcome huge under-lying values differences.
Finally- try to enjoy being 20 without so much angst. You'll be glad you did in 20-30 years.
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