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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Film Yesterday The Stranger Suggested: Cop Out

Posted by Nadia Abdelrhman on Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 12:47 PM

Meet Nadia Abdelrhman, a Stranger reader who has vowed to do everything The
Stranger suggests for the entire month of March. Look for her reports daily on Slog and Line Out. —Eds.

Being that I am from Jersey and of a certain age, I have previously enjoyed Kevin Smith films. But we all suspected that Cop Out was going to suck.

Sure enough, no one else was in the theater. (Which brings up the question: Do they just roll a movie anyway if no one buys a ticket? Do they end the film midway through?)

While Bruce Willis keeps busy collecting his social security checks, Tracy Morgan has a couple of funny moments, and his romance with Rashida Jones reminds me of how good he looks in a diaper. Adam Brody and Kevin Pollak act out Kevin Smith's hokey gay fantasies; Seann William Scott is high on a lot of drugs. Incidentally, Kevin Smith directs the film that will likely be to blame for his first heart attack.

Cop Out was so bad that I had to go home and drink enough gin and juice to erase Guillermo Díaz from my shrunken brain. Afterward, I tried to write my review (as Lindy West), only to end up in the fetal position, muttering gibberish. When I awoke this morning, I felt like a hollow shell, because Cop Out made me projectile-vomit my soul.

Comments (13) RSS

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So, what, recommendation approved?

Posted by Sben on March 9, 2010 at 1:04 PM

Yeah, this actually kind of made me want to see it more.

Posted by thepickupbear on March 9, 2010 at 1:10 PM

I approve of watching this movie and then using it as a scapegoat for my alcoholism.

Posted by howdoyoudo on March 9, 2010 at 1:28 PM

My favorite review of yours so far. I like the implication that non-projectile soul vomiting would not be quite enough.

Posted by Dee on March 9, 2010 at 1:40 PM

were jay & silent bob in it?

Posted by Max Solomon on March 9, 2010 at 1:50 PM

This is the most complimentary review of Cop Out I've read. Thanks for the reminder to hit the liquor store beforehand.

Posted by Mattini on March 9, 2010 at 1:56 PM

I don't know...I'm sure the movie sucks, but as far as your projectile vomiting is concerned, I'd say the alcohol is the more likely culprit.

Posted by I hate gin on March 9, 2010 at 2:11 PM

HER NAME IS AAAAALLLICCCEEEE

SHE CRAWLS IN TO THE WINDOW

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH-BLAH BLAH

HER NAME IS ALLLLLLICCCCCEEEEE

BLAH BLAH BLAH-BLAH-BLAH BLAH

Posted by Shine Down on March 9, 2010 at 2:38 PM

The DO run films if nobody is there - but just for the first reel or so, in case someone shows up late. Then it's curtains. I remember going to see "Crocodile Dundee in LA" in a theatre and being the only person there, and the usher actually asked me if I thought I was going to make it through the whole film. I did.

Posted by Resident Clinton on March 9, 2010 at 2:49 PM

@9.
Not true in most cases. They just shut off the projector bulb. There is no rewind on cinema sized film projectors, so the film has to run through so that it is set for the next show. (That's also why they can't go back when a show starts.)

Posted by Normal Adjacent on March 9, 2010 at 3:13 PM

This movie looks SO fucking annoying. When the previews come on the TV, I mute or turn the channel

I haven't seen it yet, but BOO anyway!! FTW

Posted by i'm pro-science and i vote

on March 9, 2010 at 8:55 PM

I enjoyed this review a ridiculous amount. Possibly more than a Lindy review, because of the lack of over-capitalization and egregious punctuation. Well done.

Posted by -ink on March 9, 2010 at 9:23 PM

Man, I'm in my mid-30's (which I think would have landed me in the "target audience" for a bunch of his previous films) and pretty much hated everything Kevin Smith ever directed. Well, actually I guess I've only seen maybe two movies in their entirety -- "Chasing Amy", which was terrible, and "Dogma", which was terrible. Don't know why I always seemed to have friends raving about him. I even saw bits & pieces of "Clerks", most of which I found to be, not surprisingly, terrible.

Maybe he should be disallowed from boarding future airplanes not because he's so fat, but simply in an effort to prevent him from directing any more terrible movies.

Posted by somethinghammer on March 9, 2010 at 10:36 PM