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News & ArtsMonday, March 8, 2010
Savage Love Dear Daily Kos Diarist
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 8:54 AM
You didn't ask me, and I'm sure you're getting lots of good advice already, but for what it's worth: Take your nephew in, tell your sister that you're not going to turn your nephew away, and remind her that her son—who was expelled from his evangelical high school four months before graduation—is eighteen years old and an adult who can make his own choices about where he wants to live, with whom, and whether or not he wants to go to "a Tampa church that can 'cure' him."
Man, I wish my mother was still alive—she really came through at moments like this. Fifteen years ago a high school kid I knew came out to his parents and they did not take it well. He grew up in a rural part of Washington but was going to a school in Seattle with an arts program where he boarded. His parents were threatening to pull him out of school and drag him home because it was Seattle and the fags he'd met here that had made him gay. I got his mother's phone number and passed it to my mother. She called and told this kid's mom that she was doing everything right—if she wanted her kid to run away from home, that is, live on the streets, engage in survival prostitution like so many other homeless gay teenagers, contract HIV, and be dead by 20. I can hear my mother's voice: "If that's what you want, you just keep it up—you're doing everything right."
This kid's parents came around, our moms became friends. If it were possible, Kos Diarist, I'd sic my mom on your sister.
2
What a courageous kid, to take the initiative and seek out a less destructive environment. It sounds like this aunt will do okay by him.
And Dan, based only on this anecdote and the ones in your books, I have to say: your mom is kind of my hero.
And Dan, based only on this anecdote and the ones in your books, I have to say: your mom is kind of my hero.
3
Poor kid. He is going to have so emotional trauma to work out.
I had a cousin who was expelled three months before graduation and he was able to enroll in the local public high school and still graduate.
I had a cousin who was expelled three months before graduation and he was able to enroll in the local public high school and still graduate.
4
Dan, first of all, I think I love your mom. She must have been an amazing woman.
Secondly, on the off chance you ever get a letter from a kid or a parent who is struggling the apparent, Christian/gay divide, you might want to point them toward The Naming Project, an organization that works with teens who are both Christian and GLBTQ, and affirms them in both those parts of their identity. They also provide help for parents, pastors, and youth workers on how to support their children or gay teenagers in their communities.
Here is the website if you are interested:
http://www.thenamingproject.org/index.sh…
Secondly, on the off chance you ever get a letter from a kid or a parent who is struggling the apparent, Christian/gay divide, you might want to point them toward The Naming Project, an organization that works with teens who are both Christian and GLBTQ, and affirms them in both those parts of their identity. They also provide help for parents, pastors, and youth workers on how to support their children or gay teenagers in their communities.
Here is the website if you are interested:
http://www.thenamingproject.org/index.sh…
5
You were lucky to have such an awesome mom, Dan.
And reading those comments at DailyKos are making me tear up. This kid is lucky to have such an aunt to run to, so many don't and end up in such dire circumstances like you've shown. It's a tragedy that's so easily fixed it makes me angry.
And reading those comments at DailyKos are making me tear up. This kid is lucky to have such an aunt to run to, so many don't and end up in such dire circumstances like you've shown. It's a tragedy that's so easily fixed it makes me angry.
6
Shit like this makes me blow a gasket sometimes. What a fucking nightmare for the kid. How can schools and/or parents be such monumental assholes?
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There are 4 posts on this right now If you click on the Diarist's name on Dan's link, you will see links to all 4 and the latest updates. The Diarist is taking him in. The parents not only disowned him, but gave away everything he owned before his aunt could pick it up- like 3 days. They are trying to keep his younger brother from ever talking to him, but that is being worked around. The parents are very religious and very stupid. The kid seems like a great young man. I hope they one day realize that.
8
Stupid, ignorant, piece of shit mother fuckers (the parents). I feel sooooo bad for that kid. At least he has a sane aunt in his life. All the best wishes for his success.
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I'll third (or fourth? fifth? lol) saying that Dan's mom sounds like an amazing woman, I love reading about moms like her... so uplifting to hear our families being the supportive, caring people they should all be. I hope everything works out okay eventually for that kid. It scares me how close we all were to being that kid (and of course, how many of us were that kid); families being the luck of the draw that they are.
10
I've been following this story and it is so sad...thankfully he has a supportive aunt and uncle.
I would've loved to have met your Mom...she sounds like she was an amazing woman.
I would've loved to have met your Mom...she sounds like she was an amazing woman.
11
Dan - your mom sounds like she was an amazing woman. You are very lucky.
And looks like the kid in the story is lucky to have the writer as an aunt and a place to go to. Hope things end up well for him.
And looks like the kid in the story is lucky to have the writer as an aunt and a place to go to. Hope things end up well for him.
12
Seems like the proud parents of gay/lesbian kids could have a huge role to play in helping other parents get over their hangups. While some homophobic parents are probably not reachable, I'm sure most simply have no idea what being gay really means, nor do they have any examples in their community to draw from. Deep down, they want to love their kid - they just need to realize they aren't alone, there's nothing wrong with their kid, and that it's easy to be the happy parent of a gay son.
Interesting post, Dan. My respect to your mother.
Interesting post, Dan. My respect to your mother.
13
You know, when I read about "parents" like this, I just wish that they could suddenly realize their mistake and reach out to their son....only to be frontally rejected and shunned. Let them feel the excruciating pain their are subjecting their own son to, fuckers.
For the sake of the young man I hope they get over it (though it doesn't seem likely given their current attitude) and make ammends, but quite frankly someone that cruel doesn't deserve the love of their son.
For the sake of the young man I hope they get over it (though it doesn't seem likely given their current attitude) and make ammends, but quite frankly someone that cruel doesn't deserve the love of their son.
14
If you keep reading the latest diary entries, it becomes clear that this kid's parents are grade-A whackadoodles. The aunt drove back to her sister's house to return the car her nephew had escaped in and to pick up his stuff. The parents had already donated all of their son's belongings to charity, they wouldn't allow his distraught brother to call him, and they were sitting in the living room with their fellow church members discussing the possibility that their son (the gay one) was possessed by demons. It would be sad if it weren't so infuriating.
Luckily, it looks like the kid is back in school and on track to graduate with a full sports scholarship, and he seems to be handling everything as well as could be expected.
Luckily, it looks like the kid is back in school and on track to graduate with a full sports scholarship, and he seems to be handling everything as well as could be expected.
15
I saw that about the demons. These poor people, if all the gays in America are possessed by demons, that's millions of demons all over America, not including the bisexual demons, Democratic-voting demons, Muslim demons, etc...
Life must be like one big "Night of the Living Dead" movie to them. It's a miracle they ever leave the house.
Life must be like one big "Night of the Living Dead" movie to them. It's a miracle they ever leave the house.
16
I wonder what Loveschild will have to say!
Your mum reminds me of my friend's mum, dan. She calls her son and his boyfriend 'my two boys'. <3 her so much!
There will always be a place in my home for gay kids with asshole parents. I will never stop going to catholic church, and I'll never stop being openly supportive of gay rights. There's gotta be someone in the congregation setting the right example, doesn't there?
Your mum reminds me of my friend's mum, dan. She calls her son and his boyfriend 'my two boys'. <3 her so much!
There will always be a place in my home for gay kids with asshole parents. I will never stop going to catholic church, and I'll never stop being openly supportive of gay rights. There's gotta be someone in the congregation setting the right example, doesn't there?
17
I wonder if the classmate who started this whole hellish chain of events is high fiveing his buddies for getting rid of "the faggot" or does he feel a touch of remorse, guilt or shame for what he did?
Karma has a strange and twisted sense of justice either way.
Karma has a strange and twisted sense of justice either way.
18
The classmate spent months gaining the outed kid's trust by using a fake internet name and claiming to be gay to get him to send nude pics and self- incriminating emails. Then, the classmate shows them to every kid at school he can before a teacher notices, and then happily gives them to the principal. Sadly, this classmate was apparently a "friend" of the outed boy, who never guessed his friend would set him up like this. The poor kid lost his family, his school, his car, all his personal belongings and his friends in one day.
People like this don't have much of a conscience. He was not punished by the school at all, who said he did "nothing wrong." I wonder if his parents said anything? Or were they afraid he would report them to Fascist Indoctrination High?
People like this don't have much of a conscience. He was not punished by the school at all, who said he did "nothing wrong." I wonder if his parents said anything? Or were they afraid he would report them to Fascist Indoctrination High?
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