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Thursday, March 4, 2010

At Large Everything You Need Is In Grand Forks

Posted by on Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 3:25 PM

welcometograndforks.jpg

I'm in Grand Forks, North Dakota, all day today (and all night tonight), which explains my near-total absence today from Slog. (Such a bad day to be offline—I mean, could this be any more delicious?) It's a balmy 30 degrees outside so I took a cab from my inconveniently located hotel and headed to to downtown Grand Forks—which was almost entirely destroyed by a flood in 1997—for a walk. East Grand Forks, Minnesota, is right across the bridge from Grand Forks, North Dakota, and here's the first thing you see as you enter Minnesota...

GFwhiteys.jpg

Thanks for the heads up, Minnesota.

Someone up there must have been looking out me because on my brief stroll I managed to stumble over everything I ever wanted: lunch, chocolate covered potato chips, and porn. More photos after the jump.

GFamazinggrains.jpg

This is where I had lunch. The very nice, very buff, very bearded, very home-brewin' Kaylen made the soup. It was delicious. I recommend it. If you're ever in Grand Forks, go to Amazing Grains and tell them I sent ya. But hands off Kaylen: I'm saving him for a friend.

GFchocoshop.jpg

This is a famous old Grand Forks chocolate shop that rebuilt in its original location after the flood. It's very, very pink inside. The chocolate covered potato chips were delicious.

GFcrosses.jpg

These are my crosses to bear... on my hips! (Sorry—there's a collection of Cathy comics on the bookshelf in the lobby of my hotel.) No doubt Grand Forks old and famous and beloved chocolate shop was thrilled when the adult bookstore opened next door...

GFsexshop.jpg

Lots of pink in there too. And very romantix.

This detail might interest New Hampshire state representative Nancy Elliot: Romantix has a gay section—which is probably why God sent that flood in 1997 (the store hadn't opened yet but He's omniscient and saw it coming)—and it also has an anal section. Now if only homosexuals have anal sex, if only homos put their penises in rectums and wiggle them around in feces, Romantix wouldn't have an anal section and a gay section. The gay section would be the anal section and vice-versa, right?

I wanted to take a picture of the anal section to send to Nancy Elliot—there were only women on the covers of the DVDs in the anal section—but the clerk asked me to put my phone away. But I did manage to get a picture of this blow-up-doll-of-size:

GFlovedoll.jpg

Um... is Fatty Patty good or bad for the fat-acceptance movement? Almost all blow-up dolls are skinny little air-filled bitches—see the dolls to Patty's right—who only serve to reinforce prevailing cultural biases about what is and is not attractive. Does Fatty Patty and her "Colossal 3 Love Holes!" open minds while advancing the cause of sexy-at-every-size cause? Or does the copy on the box ("Now That's a Big Bitch!") negate any good that Patty for her plus-sized, blow-up sisters?

Discuss.

 

Comments (45) RSS

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Will in Seattle 1
sorry, I'm just looking at all the helicopters over the U Dist after the protestors went up the Ave to the UW Tower ... what were you saying?
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on March 4, 2010 at 3:29 PM
doesurmindglow 2
Haha, what are you doing in Grand Forks, Dan?

That is, besides enjoying soup, chocolate-covered potato chips, edible symbol's of Christ's death, and innovation in the movement for fat-acceptance pornography?

I mean, it is a strange place for a February vacation.
Posted by doesurmindglow on March 4, 2010 at 3:30 PM
jasonzenobia 3
I think Fatty Patty kicks ass.
Has anyone ever made a big, fat, hairy man doll?
We could make it look just like Roy Ashburn.
Posted by jasonzenobia http://jasonzenobia.blogspot.com/ on March 4, 2010 at 3:35 PM
very bad homo 4
Fatty Patty is amazing. She made me completely forget whatever comment I was going to make.

You should bring her to the next Slog Happy.
Posted by very bad homo on March 4, 2010 at 3:39 PM
5
Chocolate-covered bacon, anyone?
Posted by bookworm on March 4, 2010 at 3:40 PM
Womyn2me 6
I got a chocolate last supper several easters ago and have slowly made my way up both ends of the table. Only jesus is left. I plan on a picture taking session followed by a delicious Good Friday come April.
Posted by Womyn2me http://http:\\www.shelleyandlaura.com on March 4, 2010 at 3:43 PM
7
You could play Excorsist and put a chocolate cross in Fatty Patty's pussy. I'm sure she'd love it.
Posted by Fatty Patty's Pussy on March 4, 2010 at 3:45 PM
8
I worked in an adult entertainment emporium off and on for a good number of years. The number one question? Do you think my wife would like this? Heterosexuals are clueless when it comes to sex ... not that I would ever point a finger.
Posted by I'm just tuggin' along on March 4, 2010 at 3:51 PM
Enigma 9
@5 I have some bacon in my freezer right now, and I now know what part of my Friday night will consist of.
Thank you.
Posted by Enigma http://approvereferendum71.org/ on March 4, 2010 at 3:52 PM
Timmytee 10
I'd like a Fatty Patty covered in chocolate, please--to go!
Posted by Timmytee on March 4, 2010 at 3:54 PM
Womyn2me 11
PS, Dan, when you go to places like Grand Forks, do people recognise you?

Do the locals run around screaming that one of the most famous perverts in the world is in town? Do you get bibles thrown at your motel window? Do you get propositioned by closeted preachers ?
Posted by Womyn2me http://http:\\www.shelleyandlaura.com on March 4, 2010 at 3:55 PM
12
How exciting! I grew up in Grand Forks. March isn't the best time to see it, and the drive from the airport into town is hideous, so I'm glad you didn't let your first impressions ruin the city for you. Whitey's is wonderful--back in the 30s and 40s it was billed as one of the swankier bars between Chicago and the West Coast, though the post-flood building isn't as glamorous. UND has a beautiful UW-style campus, all brick and ivy and lawns.
Posted by G. Borchert on March 4, 2010 at 4:03 PM
Reverse Polarity 13
I've been to Grand Forks.

It's even more fun when it's 30° BELOW zero. Or not.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on March 4, 2010 at 4:06 PM
Canadian Nurse 14
Is there any place to find out Dan's speaking schedule in advance?

@2: One of Dan's links shows he's speaking at a UND multicultural awareness committee event. I'm not sure whether the "multi" in his culture is "gay" or "sex advice columnist." The whole press release seems a little off, as they're promising to present 'his speech, "Savage Love."'
Posted by Canadian Nurse on March 4, 2010 at 4:11 PM
kim in portland 15
Mmmm.... chocolate covered potato chips! It is good to know you can keep yourself amused. Enjoy acting your shoe size and not your age. And, have a safe trip home.

Ps. I hope your hotel has a nice cozy bar to cap your day with.
Posted by kim in portland http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2010/11/fast-paced_video_provides_a_fu.html on March 4, 2010 at 4:12 PM
linda with a y 16
A old friend, who ironically is named Patty and who looks kinda like Fatty Patty, not that I have ever seen her in that exact position, would absolutely crack up if she saw this.

Um, why is Whitey's flying a Canadian flag?
Posted by linda with a y on March 4, 2010 at 4:13 PM
kim in portland 17
Canadian Nurse,

Have you tried his Facebook fan page, link can be found on the Savage Love page.
Posted by kim in portland http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2010/11/fast-paced_video_provides_a_fu.html on March 4, 2010 at 4:18 PM
slake 18
I actually once got lost driving from Fargo to Grand Forks. It's, umm, a straight line. In my defense, I'm not a very good driver.
Posted by slake on March 4, 2010 at 4:22 PM
Ness 19
Looks like quite the quaint little town, but isn't it somehow blasphemous to EAT a cross?

Also, I had an article published today on the website I write for about being GGG. Because I was about to steal your idea, I prefaced the article by singing your praises, Dan. You can find it here: http://collegecandy.com/2010/03/04/sexy-…

Anywhoo.. have fun in Grand Forks. At first I thought you were in Forks, WA (home of the wonderful Twilight vampires) and was about to ask what the fuck was wrong with you. I take my preemptive wtf back. I'm sorry.
Posted by Ness http://www.collegecandy.com/author/nessfraser on March 4, 2010 at 4:26 PM
20
@16 Probably because it's less than an hour from the border and welcomes the many Canadian's that come to town on the hunt for cheap booze, cigs and the WalMart. Pretty much the same as any town on either side of the boundary.
Posted by Foxy Loyx on March 4, 2010 at 4:44 PM
Fifty-Two-Eighty 21
I'll bet you didn't know that the whole Red River valley (yeah, where you are right now) was once the bottom of Lake Agassiz, a post-glacial lake that covered a huge chunk of the northern US and Canada. Those bluffs way off in the distance were the shoreline.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on March 4, 2010 at 4:44 PM
22
What- no pictures of Kaylen? BOOOOOOOOO.

We bear lovers suffer through your parade o' twinks on Slog constantly- you can't throw us a bone every once in a while?
Posted by UNPAID COMMENTER on March 4, 2010 at 4:51 PM
23
Wow Dan, as probably the only North Dakotan that reads the stranger and SLOG, I welcome you. From Fargo, but all the same, welcome.
Posted by 42zero on March 4, 2010 at 4:51 PM
samktg 24
@Ness
Eating a cross blasphemous? Nah, it's considered one and same as Jesus, and Catholics eat him all the time. The chocolate cross is just a tasty alternative to the crusty wafer.
Posted by samktg http://effyeaharthistory.tumblr.com/ on March 4, 2010 at 5:05 PM
Frau Blucher 25
Dan, you are oh-so right, about the deliciousness of the Roy Ashburn story.
Posted by Frau Blucher on March 4, 2010 at 5:11 PM
gloomy gus 26
What a sweet travelogue! I'm sure Frizzelle is very much enjoying being Ranking Slog Gay with you so busy outside the Urban Archipelago.
Posted by gloomy gus on March 4, 2010 at 6:10 PM
27
"I took a cab... for a walk." sigh.
Posted by walkon on March 4, 2010 at 6:25 PM
28
Dear Dan,

Come to Minneapolis, and go to the Smitten Kitten. They don't have a gay or straight section. They get that no sexual enjoyment belongs exclusively to anyone. They have an anal wall with fun things for guys and gals, a wall of things that go buzz, a huge selction of silicone friends for use with or without harnesses, and bookshelves full of porn. This is the best store ever! I can think of no other reason to go to MN, but it's a damn sight better than ND. And get the hell out of Grand Forks before the flooding starts!
Posted by catballou on March 4, 2010 at 6:30 PM
Fifty-Two-Eighty 29
@28: I was there last June. Wish I'd known that then - sounds like fun.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on March 4, 2010 at 6:38 PM
30
Aren't we all so fortunate that Dan Savage shares everything about his life? Dan Savage is really interesting.
Posted by Wake me when he's unemployed on March 4, 2010 at 6:52 PM
biju 31
Is it just me or did anyone else see the picture of Whiteys and read it as "Shiteys"?
Posted by biju on March 4, 2010 at 7:10 PM
32
Fuck the picture of Fatty Patty! Did you get a picture of the "very nice, very buff, very bearded, very home-brewin' Kaylen?"
Posted by madscntst on March 4, 2010 at 7:30 PM
33
Does this mean we'll not be getting an SL question of the day today/night?
Posted by mike hammerhead on March 4, 2010 at 7:39 PM
JunieGirl 34
By the time you finish blowing Fatty Patty up, you've passed out, so her "colossal" holes (how is that a selling point?) won't do you much good till you can catch your breath.
Posted by JunieGirl on March 4, 2010 at 7:44 PM
Urgutha Forka 35
As a former native of Minnesota and a current resident of Florida... I used to complain about the sheer amount of snow and cold during MN winters but now I would gladly take that back in exchange for the redneck, gun-totin, Palin-lovin', gub'mint-hatin', you-negroes-get-in-the-back-of-the-bus, rhetoric that comes out way too frequently and way too easily around here. The midwest is cold, and it's sorta backwards (e.g., the sign in Dan's post) but at least they're not blatantly and proudly racist.

Go gophers...
Posted by Urgutha Forka on March 4, 2010 at 11:25 PM
Cory 36
Grand Forks... One visit was enough. The chocolate place was homey, the porn shop guy funny, busloads of Canadian consumers amusing, but I was pretty glad to get home after my visit.
Posted by Cory on March 5, 2010 at 1:39 AM
Caylan 37
Here's a few photos of Kaylen/Caylan - http://www.flickr.com/photos/caylan/3849…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/caylan/4066…
Posted by Caylan http://www.caylan.net on March 5, 2010 at 4:20 AM
Matt from Denver 38
@ 37, I think you have to go through some process in order to have links post. But if you want to save time, just post that last parts of your links ("caylan/4066etc" without anything that precedes this part of your link. We can figure it out from there.)

Posted by Matt from Denver on March 5, 2010 at 5:23 AM
Caylan 39
The friends here warned if I didn't post these, they would... so here you go, Savage Community at large...

1, 2, 3.
Posted by Caylan http://www.caylan.net on March 5, 2010 at 5:40 AM
40
If you'd only gotten here a few days earlier, you could have seen the sled dogs on the river, between Amazing Grains and Whiteys! You'll have to get back here next year. . . .

Here's a photo: http://mypixelatedoasis.blogspot.com/201…
Posted by Angela71 on March 5, 2010 at 5:58 AM
vitupera 41
@39 Why thank you, much appreciated. That first one was adorable.
Posted by vitupera on March 5, 2010 at 12:33 PM
42
@37. Holy-woof! Your girlfriend is damn lucky
Posted by Drew2u on March 6, 2010 at 8:49 AM
43
as a fat woman, who couldn't care less about any "fat acceptance movement", i think the fatty patty doll is cool.. i think it would open minds because there are alot of men out there who like fucking larger women, even if lots of other people can't/don't believe that.. that's consumer driven proof right there... and if anyone got hung up on the text on the boxes of almost any porn product, they'd already be missing the point..
Posted by becky on March 6, 2010 at 10:01 AM
44
chippers! I love them
Posted by tfh on March 7, 2010 at 7:50 AM
45
Oh Dan, this entry is fantastic. I was born in and grew up near Grand Forks, and for a short time during college lived above the coffee shop that is across the street from Romantix. Haha!
Posted by nessie on May 4, 2010 at 12:53 PM

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