Slog
News & ArtsFriday, February 26, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Roommated
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Feb 26, 2010 at 2:43 PM
I am a closeted bisexual female college junior. I also happen to be in love with my roommate and best friend, another girl. Normally I'm able to keep my emotions and attraction in check. I don't sneak glances at her when she's changing or naked after coming back from the shower. But sometimes I get into sticky situations. She will ask me to do things, like rub Icy Hot on her bare back or help her pick out underwear, things she would never ask a guy who was attracted to her to do. She asks me to do these things because I'm her closest friend and she trusts me, but I feel like I'm betraying that trust by living with her and being in these situations when I have such strong feelings for her. So am I betraying her? If so, what do I do? Do I move out? We've been living together for almost two years, and it may seem strange if I just up and move suddenly. Do I reveal my sexuality and feelings to her and hope for the best? I'm certain she would be supportive of my coming out, but I'm afraid of her reaction and its effect on our friendship if I admit my feelings for her.This Girl Is Fearful
My response after the jump...
You say you're worried about the impact coming out will have on your friendship, TGIF, but have you given any thought to the impact not coming out is having on your friendship?
Every interaction you have with your roommate/crush—at least every interaction you have with a tube of Icy Hot in your hands—puts you in an incredibly awkward, incredibly fraught, incredibly uncomfortable position. Because you haven't risked being honest with your roommate, TGIF, she asks you to do things for her that she might not otherwise and parades around naked and you can't relax and enjoy these interactions on any level. While all of this is titillating in the abstract, in reality it just creates stress. Because every time it happens—the Icy Hot, the showers, the underwear—you have to worry about how she's going to react when you do finally tell her or she finally figures out. Maybe she'll be fine with it... but there's a very real chance she'll feel violated, TGIF, a very real chance she'll feel betrayed, and the more times you've rubbed Icy Hot into the small of her back, or the more times she's strolled around in front of you naked, the potentially greater her feelings of violation and betrayal.
So tell her, tell her now, apologize for not telling her sooner. This is a time in your life—junior year in college—when you can legitimately pin your failure to come out sooner on your age. You don't have to tell her how long you've known your bi, or how long you've had feelings for her, but you do have to tell her you have feelings for her.
And here's hoping—fingers crossed—that she feels the same way about you, TGIF, and the Icy Hot was a hint.
2
Boy, do I ever disagree. Just leave things as they are. You get to see her naked and rub her back. Be happy.
3
People are still closeted in college these days? Back when I was in college, the straight girls were all bi, bi were all lesbian, and the lesbians were drowning in nipples.
Well, I went to Bard, so maybe it was different elsewhere.
Well, I went to Bard, so maybe it was different elsewhere.
6
I remember back in the day when Dan's advice would have been "Get drunk, see what happens...if she gets squidgy, you can blame the booze."
I don't think Dan would lick that doorknob today.
I don't think Dan would lick that doorknob today.
7
This one time this friend of mine asked me to shave the back of his neck right after he got out of the shower. Yes, he needed my help to do this, but no, he wasn't usually that fastidious with his grooming.
I'm glad I eventually figured that out.
But even if sometimes an Icy Hot rubdown is just a case of sore muscles, Dan's right. Tell her now or risk a much more painful kind of damage to your friendship.
I'm glad I eventually figured that out.
But even if sometimes an Icy Hot rubdown is just a case of sore muscles, Dan's right. Tell her now or risk a much more painful kind of damage to your friendship.
8
My god, it's like a letter written by me 7 years ago... I was in the exact same situation when I was in college. It was because of this roommate that I realized I was bisexual. I never told her, and I always regretted it.
9
At the least come out to her! You can decide about sharing your interest after you see her response to that. I definitely feel like I'd be hurt if my best friend was bi and she didn't tell me pretty quickly.
My best friend told me two hours after she woke up, the first time she had a dream about another woman. It took me several months and a direct conversation to clue in that changing in front of her was getting difficult for her, but I'm a clueless idiot, and she's probably not.
My best friend told me two hours after she woke up, the first time she had a dream about another woman. It took me several months and a direct conversation to clue in that changing in front of her was getting difficult for her, but I'm a clueless idiot, and she's probably not.
10
"You ought to know that I am starting to notice these feelings for girls that I usually only have for boys. I think I may be attracted to girls and boys, and as one of my closest friends, I would like your advice...."
12
Dwight nailed it. Get her drunk and see what happens. Odds are she's still gonna freak, but what have you got to lose?
15
maybe its because you went to bard, but people are definitely still closeted in college. I can name three, but i won't because that would be uncool.
16
maybe its because you went to bard, but people are definitely still closeted in college. I can name three, but i won't because that would be uncool.
17
Good advice, Dan. The only advice that makes any sense.
But,
>you've known your bi
Agh! Dan!
There are three forms of 'your':
1) yore--The good old days: In days of yore, you could walk around in nothing but fur underpants.
2) your--the second person possessive: Are those your fur underpants?
3) you're--a contraction of you + are: You're going to go out in public in nothing but fur underpants?
Please correct this before you use it in a column!
But,
>you've known your bi
Agh! Dan!
There are three forms of 'your':
1) yore--The good old days: In days of yore, you could walk around in nothing but fur underpants.
2) your--the second person possessive: Are those your fur underpants?
3) you're--a contraction of you + are: You're going to go out in public in nothing but fur underpants?
Please correct this before you use it in a column!
19
"You've" is fine in this context (in both instances, even), as it is the abbreviation of "you have."
22
@19 I'm pretty sure #17 was talking about the "your bi" part of the sentence. It should be "you're bi" as in "you are".
23
These two have been roommates for ALMOST TWO YEARS. Assuming the strolling around naked and icy-hot rubbing has been going on the entire time, I can't imagine the feelings of betrayal would be any stronger if she found out now or six months from now. There is a limit to how pissed off you can be, and TGIF has already crossed that threshold. As such, there's no more harm in telling her later or letting her figure it out.
24
@4, 17 Notice the six correct uses of your/you're prior to the one in question. I don't think he needs the punctuation lesson, unless you're proving your editorial skills for a job interview. In which case, well played!
25
Move. If she's not a lesbian or bi, then she's gonna be pissed and it will be way too much drama. Cut your losses and move on. Or, at a minimum, make sure you already have another place to live lined up so if she gets bitchy you can bail.
27
I watched this happen not in college, but senior year of high school between 2 of my friends. There really isn't much to hope for if she's totally straight, but you need to tell her you're bi at least. Her asking you to rub icy hot on her doesn't sound 200% straight to me anyway, but really I wouldn't get my hopes up. Stick with just telling her you're bi at first.
28
If this was written around the time it was posted she should definitely come out. There's likely a lot of time left in the semester so the roommate has a long time to freak out, get over it, and be fine with it.
Plus, there's always the possibility that she's lesbian, bi, or just a little interested.
Plus, there's always the possibility that she's lesbian, bi, or just a little interested.
32
I'm not clear if you've had previous relationships with women or not (or if they're known about), but if not, you should tell her that you're just starting to develop an attraction to her. I think this may be a case for a "little white lie." That way there is no weirded out, "how long has this been going on?" It's something "new" that you've never "experienced with another woman before." Might save you some face....but tell her. Who knows? Maybe the back rubs were a come on...;)
33
I'm not sure why everyone thinks the roommate will freak out if she's straight. I'm straight, and I wouldn't give a shit if one of my female friends was into me and enjoyed rubbing Icy Hot on my back. I'd just tell her I wasn't interested and hopefully that would be that.
35
Aw... so painful. I've been in that exact same situation. It's really difficult to tell someone when the "friendship" has already been established. How do you get past that? You just have to take a chance I guess, and deal with the fall out. I wish her luck. I have a tendency to be attracted to straight girls who want really large He-men to bend them over backwards... and I am so very obviously not that. Good luck woman!!
36
@6, I disagree - that would be Dan's advice in a situation where the two of them weren't living together and the stakes were lower. I don't think he's "gone soft" over time; his advice is remarkably consisent. It would be stupid to go the "get 'er drunk and hit on her" route when you live together and it could go really really badly.
39
Tell her this week that you're bi, or starting to think you might be bi, whatever. Don't mention the attraction to her. The idea that she's a potential object of attraction for you will occur to her without you making it obvious by saying so directly.
If she suddenly becomes very modest around the room, you'll know that she's squicked by the idea that you might be attracted to her. In that case, she deserves a veneer of plausible deniability to at least make the rest of the semester bearable. If she doesn't ask, say nothing. If she does ask, say something vague about how she is very attractive, but being attracted to her would be awkward. Both of these things are true, but not complete. (If she refuses to drop the issue after these hints, then you probably should come clean, but give her plenty of chances to decide she doesn't really wanna know.)
If she keeps on walking around naked, asking you to apply topical creams to her body, and asking you underwear questions, she is flirting with you (and she knows she is flirting with you). In that case, you don't sit her down for a serious conversation about how you are attracted to her. You make a pass. If she shoots you down, you back off--immediately. (If this happens and she keeps walking around naked, asking you to apply topical creams, etc., then she's the one being inappropriate.)
If she suddenly becomes very modest around the room, you'll know that she's squicked by the idea that you might be attracted to her. In that case, she deserves a veneer of plausible deniability to at least make the rest of the semester bearable. If she doesn't ask, say nothing. If she does ask, say something vague about how she is very attractive, but being attracted to her would be awkward. Both of these things are true, but not complete. (If she refuses to drop the issue after these hints, then you probably should come clean, but give her plenty of chances to decide she doesn't really wanna know.)
If she keeps on walking around naked, asking you to apply topical creams to her body, and asking you underwear questions, she is flirting with you (and she knows she is flirting with you). In that case, you don't sit her down for a serious conversation about how you are attracted to her. You make a pass. If she shoots you down, you back off--immediately. (If this happens and she keeps walking around naked, asking you to apply topical creams, etc., then she's the one being inappropriate.)
41
I had a similar situation in college. I was a sophomore closeted lesbian living across the hall from a super cute, out lesbian. We became very close friends who cuddled constantly, gave each other massages, and confided in each other. I developed an intense crush on her and was tormented by the thought of confessing it if she didn't reciprocate and having her feel betrayed that our innocent friendship wasn't so innocent on my side.
Naturally, I was being an idiot. She was a lesbian! I told her, she felt the same way, and we're getting married on our sixth anniversary this fall. Sometimes it DOES work out.
Naturally, I was being an idiot. She was a lesbian! I told her, she felt the same way, and we're getting married on our sixth anniversary this fall. Sometimes it DOES work out.
42
Tell her you've admitted to yourself that you're bi and have grown attracted to her, and then offer to move out. This will show you understand how awkward the situation might be for her. She'll probably say that you don't have to move out, and then you two can figure it out from there.
45
I kind of had this situation before... I would only tell the girl if I knew there was a good chance she might be interested in me, too. Otherwise... Why would I want to mess up a good thing, even if I felt a bit guilty? Being attracted to someone isn't a crime.
But uh I guess this is a question of 'degrees'... How guilty does TGIF feel? What are the vibes the other girl is giving off? How much does TGIF value the friendship? How much does she want a relationship? How much does she just want to come clean?
In my case... I knew a relationship was never going to happen, I liked the state of my friendship, and I liked the perks. We broke off after awhile because of other circumstances, and I didn't regret my choice.
But uh I guess this is a question of 'degrees'... How guilty does TGIF feel? What are the vibes the other girl is giving off? How much does TGIF value the friendship? How much does she want a relationship? How much does she just want to come clean?
In my case... I knew a relationship was never going to happen, I liked the state of my friendship, and I liked the perks. We broke off after awhile because of other circumstances, and I didn't regret my choice.
46
agree with dans advice. tell her youre gay, tell her you have a crush, dont tell her for how long its been that way.
i disagree with those commenters who think alcohol should be involved here. tgifs problem might sound like the plot of a porn movie to some, but its really an delicate, awkward, potentially friendship-ending situation. everybody needs to keep a clear head.
ideally, shell be into you, too. hopefully, shell be ok with you being gay, although you still might want to move out, because its just not cool to be around an unattainable crush all day.
i disagree with those commenters who think alcohol should be involved here. tgifs problem might sound like the plot of a porn movie to some, but its really an delicate, awkward, potentially friendship-ending situation. everybody needs to keep a clear head.
ideally, shell be into you, too. hopefully, shell be ok with you being gay, although you still might want to move out, because its just not cool to be around an unattainable crush all day.
50
I can't read anymore because i'm still laughing at number 3. In fact, i'm not going to read anymore, i'm just going to walk away and let that be the thing that makes me chuckle for the next two hours. -easily amused.
51
Um.
Tell her your gay THEN wait a while and say you're attracted to her. For heavens sake don't dump it ALL on her at ONCE.
Add alcohol. I cannot stress this enough.
Tell her your gay THEN wait a while and say you're attracted to her. For heavens sake don't dump it ALL on her at ONCE.
Add alcohol. I cannot stress this enough.
52
whoa whoa whoa - the straight roommate has no valid reason to feel betrayed if TGIF comes out to her. i almost always agree with you, dan, but you really think TGIF needs to apologize? is it her fault that her roommate ASSUMED she was straight? suddenly the oppressively heteronormative environment dominant in our society becomes the fault of the bi girl who has feelings for her best friend? TGIF is in the tough situation, not her roommate. she shouldn't feel violated - TGIF didn't do anything, and TGIF is the one who may feel awkward - she just did what her friend asked.
yes, TGIF should come out, but no, she SHOULD NOT apologize. nor necessarily share her feelings, which could make things messy, until she feels it appropriate and at a point where she's comfortable sharing that.
yes, TGIF should come out, but no, she SHOULD NOT apologize. nor necessarily share her feelings, which could make things messy, until she feels it appropriate and at a point where she's comfortable sharing that.
53
@39, LISTEN TO 39!!! That comment hit it on the head. I had the same situation TGIF was in and if I would've had the vagina to follow the advice of comment 39 I could've been having sex instead of blushing constantly and hiding my attraction...
And pleae please please send an update!!
ps: if she asks to you cuddle... its a flagrent sign, even more obvious than the icy hot :)
And pleae please please send an update!!
ps: if she asks to you cuddle... its a flagrent sign, even more obvious than the icy hot :)
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
Hating People Doesn't Make Them Thinner by Jen Graves
-
Los Angeles Gay Bar Bans Bachelorette Parties Until Marriage Equality Is Attained by David Schmader
-
Fill in the Blank by Grant Brissey
-
This Reminds Me of the Great Calculator Scare of the Late '70s/Early '80s by David Schmader
-
Idiot Tries to Defend Bigoted Anti-Gay-Marriage Preacher on Anderson Cooper by Paul Constant
-
Six Moms with Too Much Time on Their Hands and a Shitty Website Decide to Fight Gay Superheroes by Paul Constant
-
Why Mayor McGinn's Wife Canceled Her Family's Seattle Times Subscription by Eli Sanders
-
What the Hell Is Wrong With Seattle's Pride Parade? by Dominic Holden
-
The Saturday Morning News by Unpaid Intern
-
NYC Man Ticketed for Not Riding in the Bike Lane by Jonathan Golob
RSS
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (53) RSS