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News & ArtsThursday, February 25, 2010
Sex Today's Dear Prudence...
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Feb 25, 2010 at 8:59 AM
And I would've told the mother to tell the kid that... there are kinky women out there. And GGG women. And women who enjoy wearing latex. And that he'll be fine.
UPDATE: In all fairness to Prudence, people, I happen to agree 100% with the second half of this statement—well, I agree with the last word in the second half of this statement anyway: "While it can be difficult to fully extinguish a fetish, Kafka says behavioral therapy can make it less engulfing." Yes, it can be difficult to "fully extinguish a fetish"—it's can actually be what's know as "impossible"—and putting it that way irks me because it posits that there's something sad about this, i.e. that it would be better for all—for 13-year-old boys, for their mothers, for Prudence—if we could pry open the heads of 13-year-old boys, rip out their kinks, and reprogram them to only be interested in sex acts that meet with the approval of their mothers and their mothers' favored advice columnists. But I agree that fetishists—even at age 13—should be wary of becoming "engulfed" by their kinks; that is, they should be told that the goal isn't to extinguish their fetishes, but to incorporate them into their healthy and hopefully GGG adult sexual relationships. And if they want GGG partners to indulge them, they'll have to be GGG themselves, i.e. just as accommodating of their partners' desires—including their desires for vanilla sex.
3
Oh, kewl. I can tweet this. Or put it on my Facebook. I'm going to do both and then email it to you for your personal archives.
4
Um, wow. I feel sorry for this boy.
It's kind of depressing to know there are professionals who can, with a straight face, directly attribute all kinds of psych ailments to the fetish itself -- and not maybe the massive social stigma attached. I imagine if I thought my fetish wasn't so deviant and shunned, I wouldn't be so fucking nervous and obsessed all the time.
It's kind of depressing to know there are professionals who can, with a straight face, directly attribute all kinds of psych ailments to the fetish itself -- and not maybe the massive social stigma attached. I imagine if I thought my fetish wasn't so deviant and shunned, I wouldn't be so fucking nervous and obsessed all the time.
5
Heh heh. That "harmless" little latex glove fetish will turn into a full-blown, totally over-the-top latex fetish in no time at all. Not that there's anything wrong with that, either.
6
They changed Prudences a couple of years ago - the previous Prudence was much more open-minded and intelligent than this one. The current Prudence is usually an idiot and not worth reading. It's sad to think that people are taking her advice about most anything.
9
There are times when I just want to pull my hair out over the way people react to certain fetishes. I remember a Savage Love where all the guy wanted was to rub his girlfriend's feet when she came home from work - and this skeeved her out! WTF? Why I wouldn't give for my boyfriend to have this fetish!
Ditto for gloves. When I watch old movies I feel so jealous of the fashion - when women always wore gloves and hats. Assuming this is about the gloves and not the latex (which it might be) this kid might well grow up to be the kind of man who goes out of his way to buy his wife fancy, sexy gloves all the time. Where can I sign up?
Ditto for gloves. When I watch old movies I feel so jealous of the fashion - when women always wore gloves and hats. Assuming this is about the gloves and not the latex (which it might be) this kid might well grow up to be the kind of man who goes out of his way to buy his wife fancy, sexy gloves all the time. Where can I sign up?
10
Since a large number of people can't be exposed to latex, I hope this kid finds an allergy free girl to indulge him. Over and over and over...when he's old enough of course.
11
The truth is, the mother wrote to Prudie rather than Dan because she wanted someone who would say it's wrong and needs to be fixed. The latex glove thing skeeves her out and she wants someone who'll tell her it's wrong and how to fix it.
12
The kid is worried that he won't be able to find a girlfriend, which will probably be true for quite a while... Women don't kinky until later in life, generally.
He's asking for help. Why shouldn't he get it?
He's asking for help. Why shouldn't he get it?
15
...good advice, Dan.
He's thirteen. Give the boy as much latex as he can handle (gloves, condoms, etc.)...and if he likes those dishwashing gloves, dear, buy him several pair and put him to work cleaning the house.
He's a teenager...a teenage boy. Having an unusual, sexual fetish comes with the hormones...be glad you don't live on a farm.
If your son is not causing himself any real harm, give him a little room to explore his identity and sexuality. And, please stop telling the kid that he has a disorder...unless you want him to develop one and blame you for it.
He's thirteen. Give the boy as much latex as he can handle (gloves, condoms, etc.)...and if he likes those dishwashing gloves, dear, buy him several pair and put him to work cleaning the house.
He's a teenager...a teenage boy. Having an unusual, sexual fetish comes with the hormones...be glad you don't live on a farm.
If your son is not causing himself any real harm, give him a little room to explore his identity and sexuality. And, please stop telling the kid that he has a disorder...unless you want him to develop one and blame you for it.
16
@12: A lot of boys don't find girlfriends for quite a while. His quirk is just like the quirks of many guys that give them trouble in the dating pool -- whether it happens to be a sexual fetish, a hobby, a habit, or an interest. Guys who love football or video games don't just give them up to placate their girlfriends -- they negotiate and find other shared interests.
What this kid needs is someone to tell him that yes, it'll be a little harder to find a girlfriend, but only because his fetish is kind of narrow. He needs to know that he can find or negotiate another glove fetishist, but also that maybe not finding a girlfriend to indulge his fetish isn't the end of the world either. That's the help he needs.
Not even going to touch the "women don't get kinky until later" comment. I'm sure somebody else will pick that up.
What this kid needs is someone to tell him that yes, it'll be a little harder to find a girlfriend, but only because his fetish is kind of narrow. He needs to know that he can find or negotiate another glove fetishist, but also that maybe not finding a girlfriend to indulge his fetish isn't the end of the world either. That's the help he needs.
Not even going to touch the "women don't get kinky until later" comment. I'm sure somebody else will pick that up.
17
I would ask the mom how she would feel about her son approaching her about her fetishes. I think the kid should look at his mom's internet history and have a talk to her about whatever he finds. Then make her promise to never look at it or do it again for the rest of her life. "Mom, I think you have a penis fetish and I want you to promise to never touch one again."
18
@12, where exactly is HE asking for help? His Mom - who is a sex-negative asshole - is asking for help. The son - the one whose happiness we should be concerned with - wants to buy gloves, and likes glove porn. He was embarassed BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT looking at glove porn. You think he promised to give it up for any reason besides to make his mom happy?
Yes, he's worried about finding a partner - so what he needs is the reassurance that Dan just gave him. A GGG partner - the only kind of partner worth having - will indulge this very tame kink.
Yes, it may be tough to find a girlfriend in high school who's into it, and that sucks. But that doesn't mean he needs a psychiatrist, any more than gay teenagers, who also can have trouble finding boyfriends in high school, need a psychiatrist. It sucks - life isn't fair. But move to a big city as soon as possible.
Along those lines, you know how we know just how wrong the advice was? Because in 1985 - a mere 25 years ago - you could have substituted "my son is gay" for "my son likes latex", and Prude or her mainstream stand-in would have said the exact same things: it's a psychiatric disorder (homosexuality was not fully removed from the DSM until 1986); it will limit his future sexual partner options; it can be changed.
Yes, he's worried about finding a partner - so what he needs is the reassurance that Dan just gave him. A GGG partner - the only kind of partner worth having - will indulge this very tame kink.
Yes, it may be tough to find a girlfriend in high school who's into it, and that sucks. But that doesn't mean he needs a psychiatrist, any more than gay teenagers, who also can have trouble finding boyfriends in high school, need a psychiatrist. It sucks - life isn't fair. But move to a big city as soon as possible.
Along those lines, you know how we know just how wrong the advice was? Because in 1985 - a mere 25 years ago - you could have substituted "my son is gay" for "my son likes latex", and Prude or her mainstream stand-in would have said the exact same things: it's a psychiatric disorder (homosexuality was not fully removed from the DSM until 1986); it will limit his future sexual partner options; it can be changed.
19
Sorry, I had tried to edit "sex-negative asshole" out of that comment, but apparently failed - that's probably unfairly harsh to the mom, although she's not acting admirably in any case.
20
Thank you, Dan, for providing a smarter, more insightful, and more enlightened alternative to the Dear Prudes of this world. Perhaps cleaning up the mess left by other hack advice columnists should be a regular feature.
22
I basically agree with your advice Dan, but I would add that fetishes can lead to diminished emotional health, in that fetishists often use them (subconsciously or inadvertantly) as a way to reduce intimacy.
Like so many things in life, it requires healthy management by the festishist to make sure he/she is still having emotionally healthy, fulfilling relationships both inside and outside the fetish itself.
Like so many things in life, it requires healthy management by the festishist to make sure he/she is still having emotionally healthy, fulfilling relationships both inside and outside the fetish itself.
23
16, It's a lot harder to find partners willing to accomodate a latex glove fetish than than to find someone who will overlook a predilection for videogames or football. His fetish would limit his available pool to such a vast extent that it could retard his sexual development in other ways.
I agree that he should be counseled to accept women not into gloves. It doesn't mean he has to give up the kink entirely, but it would be advantageous if it didn't become a fetish in the "gotta have it" sense of the word.
I agree that he should be counseled to accept women not into gloves. It doesn't mean he has to give up the kink entirely, but it would be advantageous if it didn't become a fetish in the "gotta have it" sense of the word.
24
LOL, I know @14, but since the mom mentioned that he has asked for them at the grocery and shops online for them, he may have his heart set on a specific brand, size, material, etc.
25
All I have to say is that I am so glad that I have my mother and not this woman or Prudie. When my mother found out about my fetish, I too was horribly guilty and embarrassed. Luckily, my mother told me that nothing was wrong with me and assured me that I was not so weird that I would never find love (which I worried about just like this boy does). She did NOT make me go in for a complete psychological workup and she did not contact the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers. I cannot imagine the harm that it would have done to me if my mother had decided that my fetish meant I was mentally ill or needed the assistance of someone who specialized in sexual abusers. Just the thought makes me feel nauseated. I had enough trouble coming to terms with the fact that my sexual desires weren't missionary only in the dark without this ridiculousness being piled on as well.
26
@24: I figured he's 13 and "latex gloves" is common parlance.
But good point. Maybe he needs therapy to expose him to .. um ... different materials, sizes, and brands of gloves. "Ooh, neoprene, mmm."
But good point. Maybe he needs therapy to expose him to .. um ... different materials, sizes, and brands of gloves. "Ooh, neoprene, mmm."
27
@23
Really? Even in my teens, if a hot guy would have offered his attentions with a request that I wear gloves while giving him handjobs, I would have giggled at how strange it seemed, and then jumped right in.
I have no interest in rubber gloves, but I know I did a lot stranger things when I was trying to get the guy I liked to like me back.
Really? Even in my teens, if a hot guy would have offered his attentions with a request that I wear gloves while giving him handjobs, I would have giggled at how strange it seemed, and then jumped right in.
I have no interest in rubber gloves, but I know I did a lot stranger things when I was trying to get the guy I liked to like me back.
28
The weirdest thing I found about the Prudence letter was that the (13 year old) kid was ASKING his mom to buy him the gloves. Why can't he get them on his own!? They're available at drugstores and lab supply catalogs. Collect away, delete your computer history, and leave mom out of it!
29
@23: We *expect* women to be patient with gamers and football fans because we think it's "natural" for guys to have those kinds of interests (and "natural" for women to not) and because there are just so many of them that it's easier to "overlook" rather than find the few guys who don't give a crap about either.
The problem with his glove fetish isn't that it's a rare fetish, but how he and women will treat it as part of their relationship. It sounds more like he's concerned that girls won't like him JUST because of his fetish, not that he's unwilling to compromise (although maybe he just hasn't thought of that).
So we're looking at a couple of different angles here -- whether this kid can learn that he may need to compromise with future partners, OR whether he needs to actually hide/reject his fetish in order to expand his dating pool because women won't accept him otherwise.
The former is pretty reasonable, but the latter will almost certainly create bigger problems down the road.
The problem with his glove fetish isn't that it's a rare fetish, but how he and women will treat it as part of their relationship. It sounds more like he's concerned that girls won't like him JUST because of his fetish, not that he's unwilling to compromise (although maybe he just hasn't thought of that).
So we're looking at a couple of different angles here -- whether this kid can learn that he may need to compromise with future partners, OR whether he needs to actually hide/reject his fetish in order to expand his dating pool because women won't accept him otherwise.
The former is pretty reasonable, but the latter will almost certainly create bigger problems down the road.
30
"He says patients are greatly relieved when they come to feel they control the fetish instead of having it control them—which may be what your son is experiencing now." Nothing wrong with that advice, and he will definitely be able to find more indulging girlfriends if he learns how to incorporate his fetish in otherwise fulfilling sexual relationships, rather than have to base his sexual relationships entirely on his fetish. That is, if it can be learned. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
31
Damn, my parents had it easy. My only trouble at 13 was that all I would eat was grilled cheese sandwiches. But, if I'd had this glove love thing going on, I bet they'd have shut the fuck up about the grilled cheese sandwich issue.
33
Some useful advice to the kid and his mom - see if you can get him into a good German University.
No, seriously.
No, seriously.
34
Learning to have some discretion should help the little scamp out immensely, too. There's nothing wrong with having a fetish, but a lot of the kids in high school don't know that.
35
This Prudie's priggish attitudes toward sex and life in general are so ridiculous that they are becoming legend. Margo Howard (the former Prudie) was never that way and often commented to various posters on The Fray. A bunch of us have been writing "Pseudie" parodies for YEARS.
Dan, if you want to read a regular weekly smackdown of Prudie the prude, do come and visit us at http://www.theflymagazine.blogspot.com . We are all former posters on Slate who got sick of the censorship.
Dan, if you want to read a regular weekly smackdown of Prudie the prude, do come and visit us at http://www.theflymagazine.blogspot.com . We are all former posters on Slate who got sick of the censorship.
36
I didn't find anything particularly distasteful about Prudie's answer... It's not that the son has a fetish, but that at 13, he already sounds kind of engrossed in it... Piles of rubber gloves in his room... Constantly shopping for more... That isn't a "harmless enjoys beating off wearing gloves," that's behavior bordering on obsessive collection and fixation.
Should the mother be accepting that her son is gonna have a fetish and not try to "eradicate it entirely?" Yes. However, just as having fetish does not automatically equal deranged, having a fetish does not automatically equal NOT deranged. There's indulging in a fetish in a healthy way, and indulging a fetish in an unhealthy way.
Frankly, I think therapy (SEX POSITIVE therapy) would really help the kid accept his fetish (it sounds as if he's scared of the "abnormalness" of it, and his mother bewildered by how to help him), while also letting his sexuality grow out of something beyond the fixation.
For everybody screaming that Prudie and the Mom are sex-negative assholes, the Mom didn't shame him, didn't yell at him, didn't throw away all his gloves. I think she's just sort of lost as to how to deal with it... I know it's SHOCKING, but not a lot of people deal openly and honestly with sexuality, even their own.
Therapy could also help the kid in giving him someone to talk to, someone who probably will see the fetish as harmless (a therapist who specializes in treating fetishes will probably get a kick out of the "innocent" charm of it, compared to perhaps other more sadistic fetishes they run across), and is accepting, and is NOT his mom.
Should the mother be accepting that her son is gonna have a fetish and not try to "eradicate it entirely?" Yes. However, just as having fetish does not automatically equal deranged, having a fetish does not automatically equal NOT deranged. There's indulging in a fetish in a healthy way, and indulging a fetish in an unhealthy way.
Frankly, I think therapy (SEX POSITIVE therapy) would really help the kid accept his fetish (it sounds as if he's scared of the "abnormalness" of it, and his mother bewildered by how to help him), while also letting his sexuality grow out of something beyond the fixation.
For everybody screaming that Prudie and the Mom are sex-negative assholes, the Mom didn't shame him, didn't yell at him, didn't throw away all his gloves. I think she's just sort of lost as to how to deal with it... I know it's SHOCKING, but not a lot of people deal openly and honestly with sexuality, even their own.
Therapy could also help the kid in giving him someone to talk to, someone who probably will see the fetish as harmless (a therapist who specializes in treating fetishes will probably get a kick out of the "innocent" charm of it, compared to perhaps other more sadistic fetishes they run across), and is accepting, and is NOT his mom.
37
Sexual ABUSERS? Really? This boy is going to have multiple psychological problems because of his overbearing prude of a mother, not because he's so fond of latex. It may even be his fetish stems exactly from her constant disapproval.
38
"I certainly wouldn't have advised the woman to sick a pack of shrinks on her poor son..." It's 'sic,' not 'sick."
39
I'm so happy they posted a link to this page over at slate, because as soon as I read that letter, I couldn't wait to see what dan savage had to say. I think there's merit to ensuring that something you enjoy doesn't take over your life, but prudence tried to walk the line and failed. there were a few good pieces of advice in there and a whole lot of judgmental phobic crap almost covering it all up. the poor kid. though...I too wondered why he asks his mother to buy him the gloves. maybe he's not as embarrassed as his mom thinks he is...or as embarrassed as she thinks he SHOULD be.
40
I have ADD with some OCD behaviors. And yes, I think this kid should see a shrink. His obsession from early childhood is going to limit his sexual options, and he should learn to control and understand his fetish. Better the issue is tackled now than later, when it is that much more ingrained. If he's OCD he could easily get to the point where he CAN'T have sex without incorporating a rubber glove in some way. No, it's not a huge tragedy, but it's inconvenient and could cause problems. Embrace the fetish, but some visits to a good therapist could really help this kid.
41
I can't abide the new Prudie. I don't think I've ever once agreed with anything she has to say. I think it's that awful blonde harpy from The View under a pseudonym.
43
Dan, I am SO GLAD you addressed this shit. Like previous posters have said- here's a teenage boy who'll be happy to wear a condom. Fucking jackpot! This is such a mild, harmless fetish and any good woman would be happy to indulge him. And if she won't, then DTMFA her ass. This boy's only problems are a) his harpy of a mother, and b) his lack of discretion- he does need to learn to keep his sex life a bit more private. Prudence suggesting therapy for the kid, oh my god! Way to GIVE him complexes.
44
Dan, I am SO GLAD you addressed this shit. Like previous posters have said- here's a teenage boy who'll be happy to wear a condom. Fucking jackpot! This is such a mild, harmless fetish and any good woman would be happy to indulge him. And if she won't, then DTMFA her ass. This boy's only problems are a) his harpy of a mother, and b) his lack of discretion- he does need to learn to keep his sex life a bit more private. Prudence suggesting therapy for the kid, oh my god! Way to GIVE him complexes.
45
@33: WTF? i live in germany, and while teenagers are more inclined to wear condoms here than in the states, there is otherwise no difference in latex abundance. you are clearly basing your suggestion on out-of-date stereotypes and have probably never even left the usa.
46
My take on this mother's letter is that she was, and had been, making a real effort to be understanding. loving and supportive with her son. Her motivation for writing Prudie and seeking whatever other help might be suggested seemed to me to be totally focused on helping him be happy and strong in his life, not to try and suppress or hide his true self.
Calling someone like that a "sex-negative asshole" isn't really helpful to anyone, especially to other parents reading it who might be discouraged from seeking help for their child when they really should be, for the child's safety and well being.
Calling someone like that a "sex-negative asshole" isn't really helpful to anyone, especially to other parents reading it who might be discouraged from seeking help for their child when they really should be, for the child's safety and well being.
47
When I first read the Dear Prudence letter I thought to myself, "Why didn't the mother write to Dan Savage and why is 'Prudie' even tackling this subject?"
As one poster stated earlier, I think the mother was writing more to justify her abject horror at her sons sexual awakening. She's already started the poor kid on a shame trail that if anything else, will be difficult to break from later in life.
I mean c'mon! I masturbated to all sorts of weird shit when I was kid and I didn't grow up to be some freak this mom sees her son as.
As one poster stated earlier, I think the mother was writing more to justify her abject horror at her sons sexual awakening. She's already started the poor kid on a shame trail that if anything else, will be difficult to break from later in life.
I mean c'mon! I masturbated to all sorts of weird shit when I was kid and I didn't grow up to be some freak this mom sees her son as.
48
@45: Far be it for me to defend Will in Seattle (who's an absolute flaming jackass 99% of the time), but do me a favor and go to YouTube and search "latex." Then explain to me why almost all of the videos are from Germany.
49
I forgot to mention that I think this is Slate's obvious attempt at being "edgier" and provide bait for page views and comments.
50
Neither Prudence nor the mother said, "The kid is a pervert, should be ashamed of himself, and should never, ever do anything but missionary within marriage." They just want the kid to not let his fetish take over his life, or even just his sex life.
I do agree that she could probably find a therapist without contacting that sexual abusers group, though. I sincerely hope that if she does decide to go through them to get a referral, that she never lets her son know that she did.
I do agree that she could probably find a therapist without contacting that sexual abusers group, though. I sincerely hope that if she does decide to go through them to get a referral, that she never lets her son know that she did.
51
Given the parade of comments that have advocated therapy for this kid, I can tell a lot of people here clearly have no idea what it's like to grow up with a fetish; I do, because I DID grow up with one and I still have it today. You want to know what else? I have a great sex life because both me and my boyfriend are both into it. It's not common either (certainly less common than latex anyway). So what's the big deal? How does having a fetish at a young age in any way necessitate therapy?
Oh, but you say - what about those ADD and OCD claims that were mentioned? Well, guess what - I have OCD too. I take meds for it and I'm fine; does it get rid of the fetish? Of course not - treat them as separate issues.
Moreover, Therapy would have made me feel worse about my fetishes because it would have further stigmatized them. It was only after I stopped trying to train myself out of it that it stopped becoming such a problem. I strongly believe this kid is going to be perfectly fine - albeit a bit kinky.
Oh, but you say - what about those ADD and OCD claims that were mentioned? Well, guess what - I have OCD too. I take meds for it and I'm fine; does it get rid of the fetish? Of course not - treat them as separate issues.
Moreover, Therapy would have made me feel worse about my fetishes because it would have further stigmatized them. It was only after I stopped trying to train myself out of it that it stopped becoming such a problem. I strongly believe this kid is going to be perfectly fine - albeit a bit kinky.
52
@#6
the old dear prudence is now on
http://www.wowowow.com/
as dear margo. she also has mentioned that she knows and if friends with dan savage.
the old dear prudence is now on
http://www.wowowow.com/
as dear margo. she also has mentioned that she knows and if friends with dan savage.
53
The title of the column: "Kid Has a Kinky Fetish"
Isn't that redundant? Are there fetishes that aren't kinky? Or kinky things that aren't fetishes?
Isn't that redundant? Are there fetishes that aren't kinky? Or kinky things that aren't fetishes?
54
@6 One more thing to add, the former "dear prudence" was Margo Howard, daughter of Ann Landers. She is one of the best advice columnists alive...and she only post two letters, two days a week. So, for those who bitch about Dan repeating his daily letters in his weekly columns, quit your bitching and be grateful that he entertains us as much as he does. Thanks Dan!
55
My initial impression was that the letter to Prudie was a fake. What kind of teenager volunteers that sort of information to his mom?
56
I just read Prudie's column, and thought, wow, wish Dan were reading this - and you WERE! Great advice from you. Pity the poor kid. Shame I'm old enough to be his mother coz I lurrrrve men in latex gloves.
57
@36 you do make some good points, however--i'm inclined to think that the mom's probably overstating it, and understandably so. it's her kid, she's freaked out, it's all new to her. but one panicky mother's 'piles of latex' is another's 'one fucking glove in the corner.' people who aren't used to alternate expressions of sexuality can often feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as abnormal.
58
OR we could all go say this stuff HERE http://www.slate.com/id/2245889/
where we won't be preaching to the choir.
where we won't be preaching to the choir.
59
Given this mom's concern about what she "perceives to be a strange fetish," I'd bet dollars to doughnuts she didn't write Dan because she doesn't know he exists. To her credit, she was asking if she should be concerned or if she should let it go. Too bad she asked the question after eliciting a promise to "give it up forever," ensuring he would feel like an out-of-control-freak when he (of course) couldn't keep his promise.
60
Oh yeah, and too bad she didn't do a simple Google search for "sex advice column" before writing anyone for advice.
61
The fact that it is latex is what puts it over the top, I'm not even sure I would call latex a fetish since it's so popular. Yeah, no woman will ever want to put on a cute red latex dress, gloves, and knee-high boots for her sick, twisted, deviant boyfriend.
63
I've always thought the Sloggers were pretty adept at tone and perception until now. All the hating on Prudie and the mom, when the mom was just concerned- "Should I try to stop him, or should I just chalk it up to a personality quirk and worry no longer?" and Prudie was just trying to point them in a positive direction for resources- "To find the right therapist...—not because your son is or will be an abuser, but because these professionals are knowledgeable about paraphilias."
Geez guys, lighten up. I've read Dan, Margo Howard and Emily Yoffe since they started, and I doubt that Margo would have proffered Dan's advice either. Even Dan took this way over the top- not all Americans read Slog, SavageLove, or share this group's attitudes re: sex and fetishes. Prudie's advice was more guilty of being mainstream than anything else.
Geez guys, lighten up. I've read Dan, Margo Howard and Emily Yoffe since they started, and I doubt that Margo would have proffered Dan's advice either. Even Dan took this way over the top- not all Americans read Slog, SavageLove, or share this group's attitudes re: sex and fetishes. Prudie's advice was more guilty of being mainstream than anything else.
64
@ 63 - The tone was not "take your kid to a therapist to learn to integrate his unusual sexual tastes into his overall personality" It was more "take your kid to a therapist because he is KINKY and his sexual tastes are a PROBLEM." That's what most everyone here is having a problem with.
65
Yeah, what you said, OutInBumF. I've always been amused at the stance of most of Dan's fans that if you're not thinking about sex 24\7, you're a prude or you don't like sex or you don't want anyone else to have sex or you want to outlaw sex. Ridiculous. Someone of us have jobs, families and responsibilities. You know, lives. ;o)
What saddens me most about the letter is there's no mention of the 13-year-old's father. He seems to be completely absent from his son's life. Does he live in another state or country, is he completely indifferent to his son's welfare or is he just dead? If we had more fathers who would actually father, maybe we'd have fewer screwed-up people in the world. People who could talk to their dads about their problems, sexual and otherwise. Funny nobody else picked up on that aspect of the letter. Maybe because they were too busy bashing the mom and Prudie.
What saddens me most about the letter is there's no mention of the 13-year-old's father. He seems to be completely absent from his son's life. Does he live in another state or country, is he completely indifferent to his son's welfare or is he just dead? If we had more fathers who would actually father, maybe we'd have fewer screwed-up people in the world. People who could talk to their dads about their problems, sexual and otherwise. Funny nobody else picked up on that aspect of the letter. Maybe because they were too busy bashing the mom and Prudie.
67
I know this comment is late to the party. But the mother of the boy with the latex interest mentioned that he has been fascinated with gloves since he was very young. This sounds more like what is referred to 'on the spectrum' as an 'overriding special interest' of an AS (Aspergers) or HFA (High functioning autistic) personality. Many people with high functioning processing differences are not diagnosed if they have normal speech development. Since many of them are gifted, the shy ones may be undiagnosed if they are average or above average in school Back to the letter - The addition of a sexual interest in gloves could have more to do with the onset of puberty co-mingling with an existing intense hobby interest. While it still might now or in the future also be under the category of a (likely harmless) fetish, I would definitely have recommend seeing a specialist whose focus is on diagnosing austitic spectrum disorders. In the case of Aspergers and HFA personalities, if only to cross a autistic or sensory processing issues off the list. At the very least, if this boy is on or borderline processing along autistic or Asperger's lines, that knowledge would be of immense value in allowing he and his family to understand him and his needs/responses better.
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